Decade's Advocate

The last blog of 2009 for Sports and Thoughts is a milestone of sorts, dear readers. It serves as the final entry concluding the first full year of blogging for yours truly.

Please hold your applause to the end.

With that in mind, I'd like to reminisce with a reflective version of Quick Thinking highlighting the world that was through my eyes over the past year. And, I'm proud of having the discipline to continue to blog knowing full well my words reach very few, I want to shut the door on 2009 and open up one that holds better things for all of us in 2010.

Like my boy T.S. Eliot said, "For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."

Brilliant.

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Not So Quick Thinking
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January

-- I wore the same number in my sports career as Forrest Gump. That makes me feel a bit uneasy despite his fictitious status.

-- All major NCAA Football programs didn't achieve integration until 1972. Think about that when you watch this year's Inauguration.

-- Whenever I see Hillary Clinton speaking on TV, I can't help but think one thing: Is her dick bigger than mine?

-- The porn industry is asking for a bail out. I refuse to believe things have gotten so bad that people are too broke to masturbate.

-- Last I checked masturbation was free. Or am I doing it wrong?

-- Quote of the Year comes from my 12 year old nephew when asking me how much I weighed, "Really? My dad weighs 220 pounds. But you're ripped. Dad's all apple crisp, Ben & Jerry's and Gregg's chocolate cake."

February

-- R.I.P every idiot who, in an effort to 'think outside the box' and sound smart, called into local radio stations saying, "Maybe we should trade Brady..."

-- Never question the game of a man who just married the wealthiest supermodel in the world.

-- Quote of the Year II comes from a coworker whom I've never met. I heard this gem from a cell phone conversation he was having at work: "You better come to your senses! In 6-8 months you're going to be missing me 'cuz the kid will look just like me. Stop being stupid."

-- Apparently he learned how to whisper in a saw mill.

-- And, based on the tub of Muscle Milk he keeps on his desk for all to see, he learned how to speak to women at his local GNC.

-- JAGER BOMBS!!!

March

-- Memo to ARod: You can't wear a sleeveless shirt and invite the world to your "gun show" if you're trying to convince us that you're NOT taking steroids anymore.



-- As a matter of fact, even if you WEREN'T trying to convince the world you're clean, you can't take pictures like that.

-- Ever.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that the tequila shots ARod admittedly had to "loosen up" before his recent Details shoot were served in a syringe.

June

-- If Kraft Sports Productions is to the New England Patriots as NESN is to the Boston Red Sox: Does that mean Kristina Akra is Kraft's answer to NESN's Heidi Watney?



-- Advantage: Watney.

-- Sage Rosenfels sounds more like a character from a J.R.R. Tolkien book than someone who is going to compete for a starting quarterback job in the NFL this year.

-- Quote of the Year III comes from my boy Big Nick when he was asked, by an unnamed assailant, what he would do if he ever woke up to find a woman masturbating in a chair next to him: "I'd just tell your mom to go home."

-- A well-placed "momma joke" is timeless.

-- Ladies, be thankful you don't get "morning wood." Having to go pee with an erection is very confusing.

-- Desire is stronger than Love...and its not even close.

-- Papelbon has come to earth and, before its all said and done, he'll have cost us a must win game.

August

-- Hunch of the Year: I think this year's defending Super Bowl Champion Steelers are going be a lot like the defending Super Bowl Champion Steerlers of 2006.

-- For those that don't know they finished that season 8-8.

-- MLB players that are "Designated for Assignment" might as well be told "Hey, go fuck yourself."

-- Memo to all the people out there who wish they were smarter: Intelligence isn't automatically knowing the answers. It's about putting forth the effort to find the answers.

-- Put forth the effort.

-- Quote of the Year IV comes from a teammate on my Sunday morning basketball team when reacting to me posting up our opponents point guard and hitting a no look lay up off glass: "You should shoot not looking at the basket more often."

-- A compound found in blue M&M dye, called Brilliant BlueG, has been found to prevent permanent damage that typically follows a traumatic spinal cord injury.

-- The side effect, however, is BBG turns the patient blue.

-- So THAT'S why there wasn't a Wheelchair Smurf!

-- The LFL is further proof that some people think "half-naked" women are the best medicine for tough times.

-- Jackie Danico of the New England Euphoria supports that school of thought:



-- But the smart ones know the real solution is the "all-naked" variety.

September

-- The Red Sox celebrating their wild card birth following a loss feels a lot like a man bragging about hooking up with a hot chick while she was black out drunk.

-- In my defense, though, she didn't seem that drunk.

-- Early Christmas Wish of the Year: I would love to see the HBO Series Hard Knocks follow the New England Patriots through training camp next year.

-- The Cincinnati Bengals are better than you think.

-- Seattle's color man Mike Blowers' accurate AM radio prediction that Seattle rookie Matt Tuiasosopo would hit his first major league home run during his second at bat on a 3-1 fastball into left center field in Toronto is the most incredible prognostication ever made.

-- EVER.

-- And it's not even close.

-- It also provides further proof that God is a sports fan.

October

-- How great would it be if the NFL had a one game playoff instead of all those tie breakers to decide wild card berths?

-- That's a rhetorical question.

-- Memo to ESPN: Please have a talk with your MNF crew. Commentary like "back door gap discipline" should never be used during a football telecast.

-- Unless, of course, I'm watching the Lingerie Football League.

-- HAY-OOOO!!

-- I'm thankful there's a fine line between the criminal culpability for recording and releasing video of a naked celebrity sportscaster and watching said video on the Internet.

-- I have enough legal issues as it is.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Michael Barrett is the early 2010 Oscar favorite for Best Live Action Short Film.

-- And Best Costume Design.

-- Nothing knocks a girl from the proverbial mountain-top-of-hotness to the muffin-top-buffet-line faster than the following question: "Um, do you have a plunger?"

-- Am I the only one that thinks C.C. Sabathia looks like the Monster from Young Frankenstein?


-- Putting on the RIIIIIITTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZ!

-- My flatulence, following a night of drinking, should be considered a WMD.

-- Steve Phillips' lost his wife, house and, in all likeliness, his second high profile job because of an extramarital affair with Brooke Hundley, a production assistant at ESPN, who looks like the love child of Meatloaf and Rosie.

-- But, on the bright side, she has a wicked cool blaster.



-- Listen to Yoda about the dark side you should have, Steve.

-- Maybe he has PGAD.

-- For those who don't know, PGAD is a newly described disorder that is not yet fully understood and refers to the experience of persistent feelings of genital arousal that are not associated with sexual stimulation of any kind.

-- When I was young it wasn't called "PGAD." It was called "Puberty."

-- Or Hoggin'.

-- Real friendship isn't about remembering your best friend's birthday every year, it's about being able to forget their birthday without any disappointment or hurt feelings.

-- Women like Elisabetta Canalis, Clooney's newest girlfriend, provide the security I need to continue my man crush on the artist formerly known as Doug Ross, M.D.



November

-- I'm starting to learn that secrets only live in the hearts and minds of the foolish.

-- Memo to all the ladies who are in love with those brooding characters found in Stephenie Meyer's and Charlaine Harris' books: Vampires and werewolves aren't real.

-- Neither is eternal love.

-- The chances that any man, particularly a vampire, would literally spend an eternity with one woman is the most unrealistic plot line of those stories.

-- It's actually the most unrealistic plot line of ANY story.

-- However, as a vampire, I would at least consider spending an eternity with Jamie Westenhiser:



-- As long as we had some coconut oil.

-- And Gregg's Chocolate Cake

-- There's no truth to the rumor that following his accusations the Detriot Lions were faking injuries to slow Cleveland's no-huddle offense, Mr. Mangini phoned all his past girlfriends to see what they may have faked.

-- I hope they at least kept the change.

December

-- Memo to Tiger Woods: Putting your balls in multiple holes is only acceptable on the golf course.

-- Nothing ruins that clean-out-of-the-shower feeling faster than a poorly timed fart while bending over to dry your feet.

-- Quote of the Year VI comes from a 30-something friend who recently went on a date with a 19-year-old girl, "I think local authorities sounded an AMBER Alert when she got into my car."

-- Could be the funniest thing I've ever heard.

-- There's nothing worse than having a chance to dig out that bothersome nose nugget while leaving your home only to look up and see your neighbor waving at you.

-- The rapid nose-pick-to-wave motion is pretty obvious.

-- And awkward.

-- Tiger Woods' over active libido implies some sort of testosterone boosting PED use.

-- With a heaping side of ego juice.

-- And maybe a few resulting STDs.

-- The Green Mile, a movie getting a lot of airtime on AMC lately, is one of two movies to make me cry as an adult.

-- The other was the video footage of my wedding day.

-- I don't think either will have a sequel.

-- Quote of the Year VII comes from my boy Kevin as we flipped through The Phoenix's personal section while eating some slices at Fellini's Pizza, "Shit, there can't be that many girls in the state of RI trying to pay their way through college."

-- Memo to Daryl Johnston: Don't be afraid to put the lights on when you get dressed.



-- And the media thought Randy Moss' effort on Sunday was offensive.

-- Yikes.

-- Quote of the Year VIII comes from my boy Sean when, while we stood in line near the bar waiting to order beers at The Avery in Providence when an obvious drag queen squeezed ahead of us to get the bartender's attention, he quipped, "We'll just wait our turn. Anyone with a dick who is confused enough to wear a dress is dangerous."

-- Thanks to all those in the media that defended Randy Moss' play against the Carolina Panthers last week while unwittingly introducing the phrase "check the coach's tape" as a viable excuse to combat obvious poor performance.

-- It will become my "go to" excuse for any poor decision I make in 2010.

-- Because we all know I'm prone to a poor decision on occasion.

-- And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to...

-- A portrait of the artist as a young man:



-- Or as his childhood alter ego: Captain Starch.

-- Sage Advice of the Year: Nothing positive ever comes out of a lifestyle anchored by booze, sex and drugs.

-- NOTHING.

-- Unless, of course, you check the coach's tape.

The Morning After: Week 15

What we've got here is a failure to communicate.

I've learned a valuable lesson this week, dear readers. A lesson I will not soon forget.

And, in an effort to give during this holiday season, I'm going to share what I've recently learned with all of you. Sit back, put down the eggnog and allow Santa TJ to come down the knowledge chimney with a bag full of goodies to help you navigate through the shitty mess that sometimes consumes our lives. Consider it the best stocking stuffer of all time.

Fucking Garmin and Tom-Tom have nothing on me.

The lesson is simply this: People SAY they want the truth but they don't.

Let that sink in.

People don't want the truth. What people really want is to have THEIR version of the truth verified and proven to be correct. The "real" truth matters very little. It's "their" truth that people care most about. The danger, of course, is anything that goes against "their" version of the "truth," whether it's based in reality or not, is met with denial and disbelief.

Just ask Christopher Columbus.

The truth is too simple in current times. Today's Avatar world is one of CGI, motion capture and special effects. Shit, we even use "emoticons" to express our emotion in texts and emails. Our entire lives have become simulated, dear readers. And, when the "real" truth doesn't fit into that simulation, people simply meltdown.

So, in addition to all the gifts you've wrapped this week, be sure to give people in your life the one vital gift that doesn't fit into a box with tissue paper: confirmation that the belief structure regulating their lives is accurate.

Even when it's not.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Thanks to all those in the media that defended Randy Moss' play against the Carolina Panthers last week while unwittingly introducing the phrase "check the coach's tape" as a viable excuse to combat obvious poor performance.

-- It will become my "go to" excuse for any poor decision I make in 2010.

-- Because we all know I'm prone to a poor decision on occasion.

-- And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to...

-- Patriots fans have been treated to a record of 125-50 (including playoffs) and 3 Super Bowl Championships in the past decade.

-- No wonder most have been complaining like spoiled brats this year.

-- Truth is no match for paranoia.

-- Think Mike Tyson in his prime against Butterbean.

-- Or King Hippo.

-- 24 Hour Karate School is The Mighty Mos' latest triumph.

-- Quote of the Week comes from Randy Moss when addressing the media following New England's 17-10 win over Buffalo on Sunday, "These shoulders that I have on my body, you could put the earth on [them]."

-- Thanks, Atlas.

-- But we'll settle for your best effort on every play.

-- R.I.P. Tiger's legacy.

-- I'm not on Team Edward.

-- Or Team Jacob.

-- I am, however, on Team Count Chocula.

-- And, when it's available, Team Boo Berry.

-- Were Biz Markie and Warren Sapp separated at birth?



-- Or maybe they're just friends.

-- Extra Credit Assignment of the Week: Check out the documentary Expelled: Intelligence Not Allowed starring Ben Stein as he investigates the different evolutionary theories of Darwinism and Intelligent Design.

-- Shout out to Ken Rapoza, a former colleague, who's favorite phrase "Always stay in school even if it's not in a classroom" has stuck with me all these years.

-- Congratulations to Sharae Spears for being named Playboy's 2009 Cyber Girl of the Year.



-- And for not being named one of Tiger's mistresses.

-- The "tuck rule" luck that propelled Tom Brady & the New England Patriots into the NFL's elite team stratosphere is starting to run out.

-- And we all know what happens when luck runs out.

-- A portrait of the artist as a young man:



-- Or as his childhood alter ego: Captain Starch.

-- Sage Advice of the Week: Nothing positive ever comes out of a lifestyle anchored by booze, sex and drugs.

-- NOTHING.

-- Unless, of course, you check the coach's tape.

The Morning After: Week 14...

...and counting.

We've reached that point in the NFL season where math starts to matter, dear readers. I know, I know, I wish I would have payed more attention in algebra too. But have no fear! I've called in my friend Captain Math to help us swim through the murky-mathematical-NFL-Playoff-scenario waters.

So grab your swimmies, dive in and be prepared for some shrinkage.

Wait. What?

Really?

Change in plans, dear readers. Apparently Captain Math has misplaced his abacus cape and isn't prepared to speculate Playoff scenarios with us today. Let's all get out of the water before our hands get pruney.

Thanks for nothing, Captain Math.

I hope you get demoted.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The older I get the more I realize how effin' hard being human is.

-- Brain Food: A study done by the Center for Public Integrity shows one in five college women will be raped, or experience an attempted rape, before graduation.

-- And less than 5 percent will report the crime.

-- Do better, fellas. Take the "e" off the end of your "rap."

-- Brain Food II: What is the name & location of the oldest bar in the world? (answer below)

-- Memo to Daryl Johnston: Don't be afraid to put the lights on when you get dressed.



-- And the media thought Randy Moss' effort on Sunday was offensive.

-- Yikes.

-- Luck, not talent, will help the Patriots make the Playoffs this year.

-- I hope the Colts or Saints run the table so I never hear from Mercury Morris again.

-- Ever.

-- Shannon Spake looks better as a brunette.

-- The Red Sox are closer with the Lackey and Crawford signings.

-- But they still need a few big bats to make noise in 2010.

-- Quote of the Week comes from my boy Sean when, while we stood in line near the bar waiting to order beers at The Avery in Providence when an obvious drag queen squeezed ahead of us to get the bartender's attention, he quipped, "We'll just wait our turn. Anyone with a dick who is confused enough to wear a dress is dangerous."

-- Friends that share my sense of humor comfort me like a warm blanket.

-- We'd be up shit's creek sans paddle without Wes Welker.

-- The only thing that can stop the Boston Celtics from winning another championship this year is the injury bug.

-- Brain Food II Answer: Sean's Bar in Athlone, Ireland.

-- Wish I would have known that during my '06 trip.

-- The Patriots need to get their first road win this weekend or their up-and-down season is all but over.

-- The Winter Classic feels like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to attend a hockey game inside storied Fenway Park.

-- I wish I had tickets.

-- And I don't even enjoy watching hockey.

The Morning After: Week 13

New England, we have a problem...

I'm going to heed the advice of my elders and stay my tongue this week because I don't have anything nice to say, dear readers. How could I, you ask? Well, the frustration from 2nd half collapses and lottery ticket mistresses is simply too much for me to combat this week.

But, if this week in sports is anything like our previous one, I'll abandon silence and listen to Mrs. Alice Roosevelt Longworth's advice when it comes to sharing one's opinion concerning others.

Hope all of you will be sitting next to me.

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Quick Thinking
------------------

-- Our New England Patriots just lost back-to-back games for the first time since 2006.

-- We can't lose 3 in a row.

-- Can we?

-- There's nothing worse than having a chance to dig out that bothersome nose nugget while leaving your home only to look up and see your neighbor waving at you.

-- The rapid nose-pick-to-wave motion is pretty obvious.

-- And awkward.

-- My Week 3 prediction that "despite the win over Atlanta, the Patriots still feel like a .500 team to me" was met by skepticism and laughter by all my closest friends and family members.

-- So was my preseason prediction that the Steelers had a "2006" vibe about them and would finish the season around 8-8.

-- But you know what they say about he who laughs last...

-- Congratulations to my team, The Unknowns, for not having a regular season victory in our 30-plus Men's Basketball League but somehow managing to win the Championship in the final seconds last week.

-- It's all about how you finish, y'all.

-- Hope the Patriots take notice.

-- Quote of the Week comes from yours truly in response to my long-haired, headband wearing opponent saying "fuck you" to me following a block I made against him in the final seconds of said championship game, "I have a flowbee in my trunk if you want a trim before you head home...or some eyeliner to complete your look. Whatever works."

-- I guess I'd be mad too if my team was the number 1 seed and we lost the Championship to a team who didn't win in the regular season.

-- In our defense, though, the playoffs were the only time our entire team showed up.

-- Maybe we should change our team name to The Possums.

-- The cracks in the New England Patriots' dynasty foundation are getting bigger week by week.

-- Tiger Woods' over active libido implies some sort of testosterone boosting PED use.

-- With a heaping side of ego juice.

-- And maybe a few resulting STDs.

-- It makes perfect sense that Mindy Lawton, the fifth woman to come forward and claim an affair with Tiger Woods, is the "ugliest" of the bunch. After all, she lived in his home town and would frequently cross paths with Woods.



-- The wisdom of Hannibal Lecter knows no bounds.

-- I'm starting to think Christmas decorations may be Tony Romo's kryptonite.

-- Or maybe it's the seasonal music.

-- Proud Uncle Moment of the Week comes from researching RI Youth Sports in The Valley Breeze and reading that, "Tyge Joyce is one of the team's [Lincoln's] best shooters and is a threat from anywhere on the offensive end."

-- Keep shooting, TJ3. Keep shooting.

-- Just remember to get your uncle a press pass when you make it big.

-- The fact that Tiger Woods has gone from untouchable athlete to comedic fodder for talk show hosts annoys me.

-- No. I'm not condoning his behavior.

-- The Green Mile, a movie getting a lot of airtime on AMC lately, is one of two movies to make me cry as an adult.

-- The other was the video footage of my wedding day.

-- I don't think either will have a sequel.

-- Quote of the Week II comes from my boy Kevin as we flipped through The Phoenix's personal section while eating some slices at Fellini's Pizza, "Shit, there can't be that many girls in the state of RI trying to pay their way through college."

-- Showtime's Dexter makes serial killing look fun.

-- Just when I thought I had shed my musical guilty pleasure Timbaland goes and releases Carry Out featuring Justin Timberlake.

-- Curse you, your hypnotic beats & your dreamy collaborator, Timbaland.

-- Curse you.

Define "Cheating"

- verb (used without object, informal): to be sexually unfaithful (often followed by "on")

I feel compelled to start this blog with an apology regarding the headline.

"Why?"

Good question. Early participation points, class. Well done.

I'm sorry because, based on this blog's title, readers who know me might be thinking I'm going to offer a comprehensive opinion on "cheating" in relationships. And, while I have an infinite number of opinions on cheating in relationships through my personal field research and shared experiences with friends & family, I'm not going to write about that topic today. Or any other day for that matter.

It's a door I simply don't want to open.

"Why?"

Again? You're quite inquisitive today, dear readers. Dangerously inquisitive. I use the word "dangerously" because the topic of cheating, thrust into the spotlight by Tiger Woods' recent transgressions, is polarizing. Extremely polarizing.

Lots of adverbs flying around today.

In addition to being polarizing, view points on cheating tend to be very gender specific and I'm weary adding fuel to an already heated gender debate.

Very weary.

Or maybe I just need some motivation.

[MOTIVATIONAL SIDE NOTE: START]

Is there another kind of opinion other than a comprehensive one?

That's a rhetorical one, folks. If an opinion is not comprehensive -- it's not an opinion -- it's simply a declarative statement made for simple conversation.

Do the world a favor and stop making statements and start having opinions. Real opinions.

YOUR opinions.

[MOTIVATIONAL SIDE NOTE: END]

That helped.

Ok, here goes: The reason I don't want to openly discuss the topic of cheating isn't fear. Fear has nothing to do with it. Nor am I worried about any personal repercussions from blogging about such a taboo topic.

That's an important statement, dear readers. I've made peace with myself and every relationship I've been in. Truth be told, I make "peace" with myself almost everyday in the shower. Peace be with you.

And also with you.

But, as far as past relationships go, I've cheated in some and was cheated on in others.

Cheating is simple. Cheating is about the person who's doing it. The "cheater" is attempting to quench some strange thirst they feel -- either born from childhood issues, insecurities or the fact that they feel the need to fuck everyone they see. Whatever the reason, CHEATING IS SELF-IMPOSED. It's a singular decision made by the person doing it. Period.

Cheating is NOT about the deficiencies of the significant-other being cheated on. Most of the time, it's not even about the hotness or intriguing qualities of the "other person." The significant-other and "other person" are simply characters in the life-movie of the cheater.

The cheater isn't thinking "will this hurt my significant other?" They're not thinking, "I wonder if the 'other person' is cheating on someone, too." If any of those thoughts occurred to the cheater they wouldn't be cheating. The cheater is filling a void -- others emotions and feelings aren't in the equation.

However, cheating behavior does evolve. The reason a cheater cheats when he/she's 18 are completely different from the reason they cheat when they're 25, etc. If someone tells you different they're lying. Or, they're too detached from themselves to understand why they're doing what they're doing in life. And the "detached," dear readers, are the scariest type of people in this world.

I'm going far deeper than I ever intended.

Moving forward, am I a bad person for cheating? No. Are the girls who cheated on me bad people? No. I would argue that they're stupid, but that doesn't necessarily make them "bad." Listen, I'm not DEFENDING cheaters. I'm just looking at the behavior for what it is. Cheating makes both parties what they are: human. Nothing more.

The good news is cheating is a behavior. It can be unlearned if the cheater realized why they've done it in the past and resolve to never do it again. Changing the behavior may not be easy but it can be accomplished.

Shit, I've certainly gotten away from my original blog thought. I need to end this relationship cheating digression.

The last thing I'm going to say about cheating in relationships is actually the reason I didn't want to start down this slippery slope in the first place. But, as my typing has continued, I feel impelled to type my final thought.

Ready?

The reason I didn't want to get into a blog about infidelity in relationships is because it's inevitable. And, faced with that hard truth, people get upset. Getting upset about cheating in relationships is a waste of time. The fact of the matter is this: everyone will experience relationship infidelity during the course of their lifetime.

EVERYONE.

Zero exceptions. Me, you, your current boyfriend, my first girlfriend, your dad, my mom, my old priest, everyone. End of discussion. Relationships are easier if you accept it, live life not judging those that do and just try and understand why they do it.

I guess I need to amend my beginning apology. And, to pull a line from my favorite movie: I'm sorry I'm not sorry about a potentially misleading title. Clearly, it wasn't misleading at all.

However, I am sorry I had to be the one to tell you about the reality of cheating in relationships.

Well, maybe.

The Morning After: Week 12

Major Infraction

The Tiger Woods "transgression" debacle is proof positive most men, even elite, billion dollar athletes, are helpless against the controlling power their libido has over any sense of morality or good judgment.

You don't think a man's libido is that strong? Really?

This is who Tiger Woods cheated on:



Forget that she's beautiful. Elin is the mother of his daughter, Sam and son, Charlie. Two children, by the way, who are too young to understand how far the shadow of their father's infidelity will reach and effect the rest of their lives.

Idiocy personified if you ask me.

The thing is, Tiger will live with the guilt. He'll live with the guilt and convert all the negative publicity into a focused anger that will fuel his competitive fire resulting in a display of competitive prowess never before seen on a golf course.

But no matter how many tournaments he wins or records he breaks the one thing Tiger cares about most -- his golfing legacy -- will be forever tarnished.

Hope the "transgressions" were worth it, Eldrich.

-------------------
Quick Thinking
-------------------

-- I wish people would stop confusing kindness for weakness.

-- Drew Brees made the Patriots' defense look like a jayvee squad on Monday Night.

-- The silver lining, of course, is the biggest problem isn't our defense. It's the predictable offensive play calling.

-- Pun intended.

-- Memo to Tiger Woods: Putting your balls in multiple holes is only acceptable on the golf course.

-- Speaking of Tiger, I'm still going to watch & cheer for him despite his "transgressions."

-- Does that mean my moral compass is broken, too?

-- Don't look now, but my AFC Super Bowl pick Tennessee Titans are on a 5-game winning streak and back in the thick of the Wild Card race.

-- And my NFC pick, the Minnesota Vikings, are a postseason lock.

-- Nothing ruins that clean-out-of-the-shower feeling faster than a poorly timed fart while bending over to dry your feet.

-- Especially after a night of drinking Coors Light and eating buffalo wings.

-- I suppose worse things could happen while bending over in the shower.

-- If you don't see that the Football gods are favoring Vince Young than you're simply not paying attention.

-- Or you choose not to believe in secular deities.

-- Tiger's erratic driving skills continue to be his achilles heel.

-- When's the last time you experienced the same simple exhilaration you felt going down a hill on your bike and letting go of the handle bars for the first time?

-- Orgasms don't count. Keep thinking.

-- Ya, I don't have an answer either.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Elin became suspicious of Tiger after he changed his ring tone to Area Codes.

-- Quote of the Week comes from a 30-something friend who recently went on a date with a 19-year-old girl, "I think local authorities sounded an AMBER Alert when she got into my car."

-- Could be the funniest thing I've ever heard.

-- Well played, my 30-something friend who wishes to remain anonymous. Well played.

The Morning After: Week 11

A week removed from the New England Patriots losing to the Indianapolis Colts and the dust still hasn't settled. Since everyone else in the sports world has an opinion about the loss, the blown lead and, specifically, the epic fourth-and-two failure, I think it's time my voice is heard.

Bottom line: Going for "it" was a good call.

That's right, I said it.

It wasn't just a fourth-and-two, y'all. It was a fourth-and-fuck-you. The Patriots needed 2 yards to blemish Indy's perfect record. So "it" was really going for the win not just a first down. With Brady, Moss & Welker -- the best possession receiver in the NFL -- getting 2 yards should be, as my boy Mr. Moss would say, straight cash.

It just didn't work out on that particular play.

But next time the Patriots are in a game situation where 2 yards is the one thing that stands between them and victory I want Mr. Belichick to make the same call. A call like that doesn't mean he has no faith in his defense. It means he has supreme confidence in his offense.

And he should. The cup is more than half full when it comes to New England's offense, dear readers.

Proactively going for the win, regardless of the yardage, field position or game situation, is better than kicking the ball away and hoping for the best.

So keep coaching your way, Bill. The decision to go for the first down gave your team the best chance to win the game. And, as we all know, that's not the kind of decision you can judge in a vacuum. (Actually, you can't do a lot things in a vacuum. But that's a different story for a different time.)

So that's my 2 cents.

Feel free to keep the change.

------------------
Quick Thinking
------------------

-- I'm starting to learn that secrets only live in the hearts and minds of the foolish.

-- Memo to all the ladies who are in love with those brooding characters found in Stephenie Meyer's and Charlaine Harris' books: vampires and werewolves aren't real.

-- Neither is eternal love.

-- Unless you're Hugh Hefner.

-- Sorry.

-- The chances that any man, especially a vampire, would literally spend an eternity with one woman is the most unrealistic plot line of those stories.

-- It's actually the most unrealistic plot line of ANY story.

-- However, as a vampire, I would at least consider spending an eternity with Jamie Westenhiser:



-- As long as we had some coconut oil.

-- And Gregg's Chocolate Cake.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that the ice skating bear who killed a trainer in the Bishkek circus during rehearsals last week is signing with The Russian National Hockey.

-- For those keeping score at home:
Mother Nature - 1. Training bears to ice skate in the circus - 0.

-- The new marketing campaign for Snickers, featuring Adam Nougatieri & Patrick Chewing, makes me long for the days when their commercials were funny.

-- For example:



-- Or better yet:



-- The WORLD...

-- If I were Jason Varitek I'd be more concerned with why I lost Heidi Watney to Nick Green instead of whether or not the Red Sox would let me keep the "C" on my uniform as a back-up catcher for the 2010 season.

-- Tom Brady set a franchise record for completions on Sunday against the team that propelled him to stardom, the New York Jets, when Mo Lewis hit Drew Bledsoe on September 23rd, 2001.

-- And somewhere in Walla Walla, Washington Drew Bledsoe bottles his Doubleback wine and weeps.

-- The word around Flying B Vineyard is Bledsoe has become an excellent cork soaker.

-- Wakka, wakka, wakka.

-- Watching Kris Brown of the Houston Texans miss critical field goals the past two weeks is another in a long list of examples of just how clutch Adam Vinatieri has been throughout his career.

-- I'd be worried if I were a Steelers fan.

-- Society Makes Me Sad Award of the Week: Khloe & Lamar's wedding spurned a special 2-hour episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

-- Strike that. Society Makes Me Sad Award of the Week: Keeping Up with the Kardashians is in its fourth season.

-- That means people are actually WATCHING it.

-- Good grief.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that following his accusations the Detriot Lions were faking injuries to slow Cleveland's no-huddle offense, Mr. Mangini phoned all his past girlfriends to see what they may have faked.

-- I hope they at least kept the change.

A Pre-emptive Thank You

To all you costume freaks out there.

I'd like to start this blog by asking you to take a stroll with me down memory lane. Not a long stroll, mind you. More of a brisk walk. Feel free to hold my hand if you need some support over the rocky terrain.

I'm here to help.

In a previous blog, I made the following statement:

"The 'girls' have been kept under wraps for the entire Fall and Winter seasons -- except on Halloween, of course -- the only 'cold' weather month it's socially acceptable for girls to embrace their inner sluts."

Sorry, dear readers. I'm not offering a musical interlude so you can confirm the above. I'm weary from having to constantly prove myself. If you don't believe me by now it's a you problem, not a me problem.

Moving along...

The section in the above excerpt separated by dashes is what I'd like to use as the catalyst for a heartfelt "thank you."

Thank you to the majority of the female population from the majority of the male population.

Thank you.

Thank you to all the strong-minded, sexually independent women out there who continue to comfortably embrace their inner sluts on All Hallow's Eve.


[SHORT DIGRESSION: START]

Don't know about All Hallow's Eve? Tsk, tsk, reader. Get back in school and, this time, pay attention instead of sniffing glue.

[SHORT DIGRESSION: END]

It would be redundant to put the word "slutty" in front of each costume deserving of such gratitude. So, while you're reading this particular list of interjection recipients, do me a favor and consider "slutty" the understood adjective.

Thanks be to all the nurses, cowgirls, cops, she-devils, dominatrices, waitresses, playboy bunnies, celebrity wanna-be's, french-maids, biker babes, pussy cat dolls, pop-culture icons, kitty cats (basically any animal with a tail and ears), school girls, construction workers, mechanics, cheerleaders, teachers, secretaries, runway models, strippers, hookers, military personal, stewardesses, queens, butterflies, angels (again, basically anything with wings), princesses, etc.

The list goes on-and-on. There is an infinite number of possibilities and all are equally deserving of being thanked.

We'll extend a special thank you to all the random girls that wear as little lingerie as possible. To be honest, I'm not even sure what your costume is, but I KNOW it's slutty.

Thank you, girls. Thank you for trailblazing new ways to express your sexuality. Grown men everywhere would have NO reason to go out on Halloween without you. And, while you're feeling ambitious, continue to push the bad taste envelope. Or, more specifically, continue to push up your cleavage and skirt lines on Halloween allowing men everywhere to objectify you.

"Trick" or "Treat," Ladies?

We'll have to let all the fellas decide.

The Morning After: Week 6

Snow-Out

There's really not much to say this week, Patriot Nation.

Sunday's beatdown was the "perfect storm" of the New England Patriots playing well and the Tennesse Titans mailing it in. Or, maybe, Jeff Fisher's boys were just "a-scared" of the snow. Either way, the game reminded me of my college days when I was owning people in Tecmo Super Bowl.

I was unstoppable playing as the Pittsburgh Steelers.

------------------
Quick Thinking
------------------

-- The Patriots aren't as good as they looked on Sunday and not as bad as they looked against Denver in the second half last Sunday. At 4-2 they're atop the AFC East and sparking optimism.

-- But I'll stay my judgement until they face the Colts following their bye week on Nov. 15th.

-- Memo to Meghan McCain: Try "spontaneously" hitting a treadmill instead of wearing a push up bra, pouting your lips and posting the picture on your twitter account.



-- Mariano Rivera's recent warm-up routine in game 3 of the ALCS shows that spitters aren't always necessarily quitters.

-- Sometimes they're just cheaters.

-- Quote of the Week comes from Big Nick when watching the Patriots game at a dive bar on Sunday. While waiting for her order from the bartender, an overweight woman standing near me titled her head, smelled my shirt and asked, "Smells good, what cologne?" to which I replied, "I think it's just my fabric softener." As I turned back to the game, Big Nick leaned over and quipped, "No. It's that new Calvin Klein scent, 'Snowball's Chance.'"

-- Good looking out, Nick. Thanks for making Guinness shoot out my nose.

-- Can someone please explain to me the allure of Jon & Kate Plus 8?

-- If "providing inspiration" is the new criteria for being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, Hugh Hefner should be practicing his acceptance speech for next year.

-- Brady's performance on Sunday matched the TD output from his previous 5 starts.

-- Women like Elisabetta Canalis, Clooney's newest girlfriend, provide the security I need to continue my man crush on the artist formerly known as Doug Ross, M.D.



-- An umpire addressing the media at a post-game news conference apologizing for blown calls is reason # 5,000,872 that Major League Baseball needs to begin full-game usage of instant replay.

-- Dante Wesley's hit on Clifton Smith was cowardice personified.

-- Real friendship isn't about remembering your best friend's birthday every year, it's about being able to forget their birthday without any disappointment or hurt feelings.

-- "Where the Wild Things Are" is a 2009 version of "The Banana Splits" without the instruments.

-- And in desperate need of some Prozac.

-- I don't miss Dane Cook.

-- Not even a little bit.

-- You know you're too old for your surroundings when everybody else smells like an Abercrombie & Fitch store.

-- "Slumdog Millionaire", an incredibly unrealistic love story with a happy ending, superbly supplies what all movie-goers are longing for: escapism.

-- Steve Phillips' lost his wife, house and, in all likeliness, his second high profile job because of an extramarital affair with Brooke Hundley, a production assistant at ESPN, who looks like the love child of Meatloaf and Rosie.

-- But, on the bright side, she has a wicked cool blaster.



-- Listen to Yoda about the dark side you should have, Steve.

-- Maybe he has PGAD.

-- For those who don't know, PGAD is a newly described disorder that is not yet fully understood and refers to the experience of persistent feelings of genital arousal that are not associated with sexual stimulation of any kind.

-- When I was young it wasn't called "PGAD." It was called "Puberty."

-- Or Hoggin'.

-- Uncomfortable Conversation of the Week comes from a couple that were standing much too close to me at a bar this weekend:

Girl: "Thanks for carrying me to my car last weekend. I was wasted."

Guy: "I didn't carry you anywhere. We hooked up in my car."

Girl: "Oh. Thanks, anyways."

-- And, somewhere, a father weeps.

The Morning After: Week 5

I usually enjoy being right...

On Friday, June 5th, I wrote the following statement, "Papelbon has come to earth and, before it's all said and done, he'll have cost us a must win game."

Don't believe me?

Your lack of faith disappoints me, dear readers. But I'll offer proof in the form of the following link:
http://originalsportsandthoughts.blogspot.com/2009/06/morning-after-vicious-cycles.html.

And, while you satiate your skepticism, I'll sing a musical interlude.

INTERLUDE: "Every anywhere, heights, plains, peaks or valleys. Entrances, exits, vestibules and alleys. Windin' roads that test the firm nerve, fortune or fatal behind the blind curve. The engine oil purrs, light flash to a blur, speed work through the earth make your motor go scurrrr."

Mos Def with The Roots. Awesome.

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm pointing out this prediction, dear readers. Rest assured, I'm not here to say, "I told you so." I'm simply here to point out that the failure we witnessed on Sunday was the same failure we witnessed all season long and the flaws in our team need to be remedied or we'll experience the same heartache next October.

Listen, I never imagined Papelbon's meltdown would be on display in a playoff game, Sox Nation. Nor did I think it would happen with 2 outs and a 2 run lead. But it did happen. And, in its wake, it left us with a familiar option: "Wait 'Til Next Year." Come to think of it, I think that old adage is hanging in the back of my closet somewhere.

I hope it still fits.

--------------------
Quick Thinking
--------------------

-- Nothing knocks a girl from the proverbial mountain-top-of-hotness to the muffin-top-buffet-line faster than the following question: "Um, do you have a plunger?"

-- And my response to said question earned yours truly the Quote of the Week, "Funny you should ask. As a matter of fact, I do have a plunger. But I also have a front door. Guess which one I hope you find first?"

-- True story.

-- Randy Moss is hurt more severely than we're being told.

-- Memo to all NFL defensive players: Can someone puh-leeeze choke slam the quarterback when he lines up as a wide receiver so I don't have to watch and/or hear about the Wildcat offense anymore?

-- Thanks in advance.

-- Tom Brady's career record of 1-6 against the Broncos shows that every great athlete has his kryptonite.

-- We learned a long time ago it wasn't women.

-- Am I the only one that thinks C.C. Sabathia looks like the Monster from Young Frankenstein?



-- Putting on the RIIIIIITTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZ!

-- Star Wars: In Concert is an immersive, multimedia experience built around John Williams' score -- anchored by a three-story, high-definition LED screen showing clips from all six Star Wars movies -- currently on tour worldwide.

-- 32 years later and Star Wars continues to polarize and generate revenue.

-- Ride that shit 'til the wheels fall off, George.

-- The new South Park episode, where Ike sees dead celebrities, is the funniest I've seen in a long, long time.

-- In a galaxy not so far away.

-- ESPN Films' documentary series 30 for 30 is worth watching every Tuesday night at 8pm.

-- The Cowboys' overtime victory in Kansas City earned coach Wade Phillips a longer stay of execution.

-- But not THAT much longer.

-- My flatulence, following a night of drinking, should be considered a WMD.

-- Painfully Reality Check of the Week: The New York Yankees are cement to win the World Series this year.

-- The sad part is there are some folks out there that actually WANT to see Marge Simpson naked.

-- Are classical musicians who perform Star Wars: In Concert considered to be "geeks" by other classical musicians?

-- Finally got a chance to watch Gran Torino and was disappointed by both the poor acting and the plot predictability.

-- You know things are bad in Patriot Nation, dear readers, when our defense makes Kyle Orton look like a Pro-Bowl quarterback.

-- And signing a 40-year-old linebacker is not the solution.

The Morning After: Week 4

Enjoying the unenjoyable.

A fan base is only as loyal as its expectations.

What I mean by that, dear readers, is the lower a fan's expectations are for his or her favorite team, the more genuine the support they will show said team during a given season. The converse is also true. The higher a fan's expectations are for his or her favorite team, the more frustration replaces support when said team struggles during a given season.

I know, I know. I'm getting a bit too abstract and you're all wondering, "What's your point?"

My point is this: the success of the New England Patriots over the past decade has skewed our expectations as fans and we can't let those skewed expectations dampen our support for our current team.

And I'm at the top of the list.

So instead of complaining I think what we need to do is realize that victory is no longer a foregone conclusion when our Patriots take the field.

We need to watch our team grow into a champion instead of expecting them to be champions by default.

We need to support Tom Brady on every poor pass as he finds his timing while he continues to get healthy.

We need to have faith in Bill Belichick and his coaching staff that the recent personnel decisions they made were in the best interest of our team.

And, ultimately, we need to sit back and appreciate the fact that our team, filled with new names and faces, is starting to play well and find its identity.

So let's enjoy the ride.

-------------------
Quick Thinking
-------------------

-- The New England defense is starting to look faster and faster every week.

-- And that's a lot faster than they've looked in a long, long time.

-- If I were Bobby Bowden, I wouldn't want to be replaced by a guy named "Jimbo" either.

-- Granted, Favre played well against his old team on Monday Night Football. But the media needs to take their collective tongue out of his ass.

-- Memo to Cowboy Nation: You're in trouble when Romo can't even win regular season games anymore.

-- How great would it be if the NFL had a one game playoff instead of all those tie breakers to decide wild card berths?

-- That's a rhetorical question.

-- Kelly Ann Waltz is the latest exotic pet owner to be killed by an animal she spent her life caring for.

-- But, on the bright side, the black bear who mauled Kelly extended Mother Nature's undefeated streak against Idiots-Who-Keep-Wild-Animals-as-Pets.

-- I'm worried that all seems quiet on the eastern front with the start of October baseball just days away.

-- Tom Brady is getting closer, y'all.

-- Zombieland is a 1:21 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

-- Quote of the Week comes from LeBron James in response to Braylon Edwards allegedly punching one of his friends outside a Cleveland night club, "My friend is 130 pounds. Seriously. It's like hitting one of my kids."

-- Sounds like someone needs to stop sipping on the Haterade, Braylon.

-- Did you know there was a music genre called "Horrorcore?"

-- And, no, I'm not talking about the irritating jingles you hear in elevators.

-- So Ambitious is Jay-Z and Pharrell's latest collaborative triumph.

-- Beating the Baltimore Ravens on Sunday was a huge step forward for the the 2009 New England Patriots.

-- Despite the win, I'm still keeping my season expectations low but my hopes very high.

-- Jon Gruden's insight will be missed in the MNF booth when he inevitably takes a coaching position next season.

-- You know it's a new world, dear readers, when professional sports leagues have to start issuing rules and regulations for appropriate athlete tweeting behaviour.

-- So let me get this straight: We've gone from "You play to win the game" to "You play to tweet after the game?"

-- HELLO?!?

-- Memo to anyone who's planning a vacation to Thailand: skip the bungee jump.

-- What the hell happened to the Tennessee Titans?

-- Memo to ESPN: Please have a talk with your MNF crew. Commentary like "back door gap discipline" should never be used during a football telecast.

-- Unless, of course, I'm watching the Lingerie Football League.

-- HAY-OOOO!!

-- Speaking of which, are breast implants going to be considered illegal performance enhancers in the LFL?

-- I'm thankful there's a fine line between the criminal culpability for recording and releasing video of a naked celebrity sportscaster and watching said video on the Internet.

-- I have enough legal issues as it is.

-- Minnesota Viking Jarred Allen has the best mullet in the NFL.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Michael Barrett is the early 2010 Oscar favorite for Best Live Action Short Film.

-- And Best Costume Design.

The Morning After: Week 3

It's the sport of kings, better than diamond rings...

I'm tired of teams being confused by the new formation, popularized by the 2008 Miami Dolphins, NFL teams are using as part of their offensive scheme this season. In my mind there's a simply way to end this trend: one hard hit.

Wildcat Formation + One Hard Hit = No More Wildcat.

Maybe I'm simplifying too much. Am I? The formation can't be that difficult to defend, can it?

When you see a quarterback lined up as a wide receiver, in what is known around the league as the "Wildcat" formation, he's not the "precious" anymore. Don't believe me? Go ask Gollum.

And, after you're done chatting with that fictional jewelry freak, ask yourself this question: What happens to all those rules the NFL has issued protecting the quarterback when he's lined up as a wide receiver?

Got the answer yet?

All those rules become null and void. He's not a quarterback anymore. He's a wide receiver. So the only rules that govern said quarterback in the "Wildcat" formation are the same ones that govern every wide receiver on each down. And one of those rules says a wide receiver can be "chucked" up to 5 yards past the line of scrimmage.

So, with that said, let's offer some advice too all those Defensive Coordinators out there: take advantage of it! Send your safety full speed and tell him to embed his helmet in the quarterback's chest as the ball is snapped. Sure, you might get a 15 yard penalty, but you won't get another "Wildcat" formation.

Ever.

But if a hard hit is too violent a solution for your delicate sensibilities, don't fret, I have a suggestion for you too!

Instead of giving your safety the "right-to-kill" maybe you could install a "Wildcat" specific defense. And maybe it would be similar to a traditional "Cover 2" defense. And maybe instead of playing zone and reacting your defense gets aggressive and tries to scratch out the eyes of the offensive players.

Either way.

Rawr.

-------------------
Quick Thinking
-------------------

-- Big surprise that Woody Allen, a man who married his "stepdaughter," is leading the charge to get Roman Polanski released from jail despite his guilty plea on a statutory rape charge for molesting a 13-year-old girl in 1977.

-- I guess the heart wants what it wants, right Woody?



-- I'm tired of sportscasters tripping over themselves to tell me how great Brett Favre is.

-- The Red Sox celebrating their wildcard birth following a loss feels a lot like a man bragging about hooking up with a hot chick while she was black out drunk.

-- In my defense, though, she didn't seem that drunk.

-- Memo to all the expecting mom's out there: It's never ok to name your son "Blaine."

-- Never.

-- Despite the win over Atlanta, the Patriots still feel like a .500 team to me.

-- Early Christmas Wish of the Week: I would love to see the HBO Series Hard Knocks follow the New England Patriots through training camp next year.

-- Santa, if you're listening, there's some special treats from Connie's Kitchen in it for you.

-- And not the kind you get under the mistletoe, you dirty old man.

-- The Cincinnati Bengals are better than you think.

-- Bullet by Rhymefest featuring Citizen Cope is a jam from 2006 that needs the dust blown off it.

-- Greg Lewis made the catch of a lifetime against the 49ers.

-- The old Tom Brady used to let his performance do the talking.

-- The new Tom Brady yells at his teammates and looks to the refs for missed calls.

-- I miss the old Tom Brady.

-- The $25 million suit filed by David Givens against the Tennessee Titans could be a case that simply highlights the risks of being a professional football player or it may provide further proof that an NFL organization will do anything to win, including withholding medical information from its players.

-- My guess is it's 50-50.

-- The Red Sox are in the playoffs for the sixth time in seven seasons. Try and enjoy the accomplishment, Sox Nation, instead of stressing about our losing streak.

-- Seattle's color man Mike Blowers' accurate AM radio prediction that Seattle rookie Matt Tuiasosopo would hit his first major league home run during his second at bat on a 3-1 fastball into left center field in Toronto is the most incredible prognostication ever made.

-- EVER.

-- And it's not even close.

-- It also provides further proof that God is a sports fan.

-- Quote of the Week comes from my boy Jake in reaction to the MMS functionality from AT&T going live for the iPhone: "Hooray for MMS messaging. Now I can send you pictures of my johnson."

-- I've changed my phone number for lesser threats.

-- Tim Tebow reminds me a lot of Rex Grossman and Brady Quinn. None of which can play quarterback in the NFL.

-- September's Stupidest Thing Said Award goes to Whoopi Goldberg who quipped the following when asked about Roman Polanski's arrest: "I know it wasn't 'rape-rape.' I think it was something else, but I don't believe it was 'rape-rape.'"

-- Well said, Whoopi.

-- But I have one question for you: Do you "like" Roman Polanski? Or do you "like-like" him?

Once is an accident, twice is a trend...

by Old Man Lemon

I'm a firm believer in the old adage "Don't talk about it, be about it." With that in mind, instead of a series of apologies and promises following my Week 2 absense, dear readers, I'll simple ask that you grant me a stay of judgement and trust there will not be a repeat of that careless nature the rest of the season.

Thanks.

Now that we're friends again let's start today with a quick recap of Week 1 and immediately dive into this weekend's matchups.

The silver lining in Week 1, of course, was the New England Patriots sqeaked by with a 25-24 victory. In reality, our hometown Pats had no business even winning that game. But we don't live in reality. We live in the land of "spreads" & "covers." And, having not covered our teased spread of -2, we dug ourselves a bit of a hole and came up two extra points short of hitting pay dirt. So, instead of winning $1100 for our Greek Island vacation, we're down $100. Captain Math tells us that's a $1200 swing, dear readers.

But that's why they call it betting.

3 Game Tease of the Week:

(REMINDER: In a 3-game tease the bettor is allowed to manipulate the spread or over/under 9 points in each game.)

1) San Francisco 49ers (+7) vs. Minnesota Vikings

The San Francisco 49ers have not started a season 3-0 since 1998. They are visiting a 2-0 Minnesota Vikings team who had to overcome halftime deficits against weak opponents like the Browns and the Lions. Past history doesn't really come into play for this game. The 49ers are a different team under new head coach Mike Singletary while the Vikings are just enjoying the buzz created by the "un-un-retirement" of attention whore Brett Favre. This game features 2 of the top 3 running backs in yards-per-game this season with Peterson (1st) and Gore (3rd). It also features the league's 4th (Vikings) and 7th (49ers) ranked defenses. I'm thinking San Francisco (+16) has enough of a defense and a running game to control the clock, keep it close and, maybe, steal a win on the road.

2) New Orleans Saints (-6) vs. Buffalo Bills

The next stop for the Drew Brees Offensive Juggernaut is Buffalo. The Bills have the league's 28th ranked defense, giving up nearly 400 yards per game, while the Saints' league leading offensive is racking up 470 yards per game. In addition, there are rumors that Brees and his coach are gunning for Tom Brady's regular season touchdown record of 50 set during the Patriots undefeated season in 2007. I'm thinking Brees adds 5 more TDs to his total in Buffalo this weekend as the Saints (+3) roll.

3) Carolina Pathers vs. Dallas Cowboys (46 0/U)

After laying an egg on Sunday night last weekend, the 'Boys and Regular Season Romo(TM) welcome the 0-2 Carolina Panthers to JerryWorld. (To combat insecurity, some men buy expensive cars. Others build billion stadiums.) Despite Romo's efforts (13-29, 127 yards. 1 TD-3 INT. 29.6 rating) America's Team still had a chance to defeat the Giants, who are considered an elite team in the NFL. I like R.S.R and the Cowboys (over 37) to bounce back and put up some points proving the old adage that "they do things bigger in Texas."

I hope all three games do things "bigger" than our Week 1 tease did for a total play of $480.

CEMENT Pick of the Week:

You may be thinking it's hyperbole to give a game the "must win" label this early in the season. But trust me, dear readers, it's not. As I always say, "Numbers don't lie. People do." Since the NFL expanded its playoff field to 12 teams in 1990 only 3 have gone on to actually make the tournament after starting the season 0-3: the '92 Chargers, the '95 Lions and the '98 Bills.

The Tennessee Titans are too strong on both sides of the ball to become the forth team in 11 years to challenge NFL's historically unkind treatment of 0-3 teams. Plus, as Coach Boone taught me, in "Greek mythology the Titans were greater even than the gods and they ruled their universe with absolute power." So we're betting $1200 that, this weekend, the football field in New York is Tennessee's universe. And they're going to rule it like Titans (+3) and be CEMENT.

Remember dear readers: when life gives you lemons, drink the lemonade.

And when bookies give you lines, try to make it rain.

----------------------------
[ Season Record: 0-1-0 ]
[ Cement PotW: 1-0-0 ]
[ Bank: $ - 100.00 ]

The Debut

by Old Man Lemon

This column will provide guidance to those fans who make the occasional wager on NFL games throughout the season. It will also assume that those reading it are familiar with some basic gambling terms such as: "prop bet", "over/under", "money line", "straight bet" and "teasing" among others.

Oh, wait, you don't bet on football? That's ok.

Neither do I.

No topic is off limits for Old Man Lemon, dear readers. Well, save one: please don't ask how I got my nickname. It's a childhood scar that will never fully heal.

Ok, let's put the pleasantries behind us and get down to business.

We're starting this football season with 2 goals. First, we want the New England Patriots to make the playoffs. While yours truly is a Pats fan rest assured that my hope for their success will never interfere with my money risking prognostications. Second, we're looking to fund an all-expense paid trip to the Greek Islands for me and Mrs. Lemon...one that lasts three months.

3 Game Tease of the Week

(NOTE: In a 3-game tease the bettor is allowed to manipulate the spread 9 points in each game.)

1) Tennessee Titans (+6) vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

The Pittsburgh Steelers open the 2009 season as defending Super Bowl Champions playing host to the Tennessee Titans. The Steelers are 3-8 against the Titans since '99. Two of those victories came with a side of ketchup in the comforts of Heinz Field and all three saw the Steelers score 34 points in victory. I don't see their offense putting up that many points against a Titans team that held them to 14 points last year without the help of then injured, now traded, Albert Haynesworth. The last time the Steelers lost a season opener was in 2002. Well, I'm grabbing the Titans (+15) and betting the next time they lose a home opener is tonight.

2) Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots (-11)

Tom Brady hasn't seen any regular season action since the "dirty-helmet-to-knee-hit-heard-round-new-england" by Bernard Pollard in last season's opener. This year, the Patriots are playing host to the Buffalo Bills who set records in offensive futility during the preseason resulting in the firing of their Offensive Coordinator. In addition to being disgruntled with the offense, Buffalo's newly acquired wide receiver Terrell Owens called out Bill Belichick when making cracks to the media about "bringing his spy camera" instead of "popcorn" to the game on MNF. All the bravado aside, though, the Patriots are 16-2 against the Bills since '00. Lightning doesn't strike in two straight home openers so I'm betting the Patriots (-2) and Brady light up the Bills.

3) Oakland Raiders vs. San Diego Chargers (-9.5)

Do you really need any acumen concerning this match-up? It's the Raiders. C'mon, really? Ok, I'm taking the Chargers (-.5) even though they're playing in Oakland because they've won 11 straight against the Silver & Black.

We'll be wagering $600.00 on the above 3 games.

(Remember, a "tease" means all three games have to cover the "teased" spread to be a winner.)

CEMENT Pick of the Week:

We're spitting in the face of conventional wisdom that says "never bet on the home team" this week, trusted followers. I've always felt that if you're going to take a "risk" it should be with the team you undoubtedly know most intimately -- your "home" team. That said, we'll make our second wager on the Patriots for the CEMENT Pick of the Week.

Call it wishful thinking but with their weak defense (ranked 32nd in preseason play) the Patriots offense is going to have to score points at a record pace this season. The over/under line of 47.5 with the return of Tom Brady for their home opener is too low. I'm betting the Brady Bunch will get 7 touchdowns by themselves. Taking over 47.5 will be the easiest $500.00 I've ever made.

Remember dear readers: when life gives you lemons, drink the lemonade.

And when bookies give you lines, try to make it rain.

-------------------------
[ Season Record: 0-0-0 ]
[ Cement PotW: 0-0-0 ]
[ Bank: $ 0.00 ]