A Pre-emptive Thank You

To all you costume freaks out there.

I'd like to start this blog by asking you to take a stroll with me down memory lane. Not a long stroll, mind you. More of a brisk walk. Feel free to hold my hand if you need some support over the rocky terrain.

I'm here to help.

In a previous blog, I made the following statement:

"The 'girls' have been kept under wraps for the entire Fall and Winter seasons -- except on Halloween, of course -- the only 'cold' weather month it's socially acceptable for girls to embrace their inner sluts."

Sorry, dear readers. I'm not offering a musical interlude so you can confirm the above. I'm weary from having to constantly prove myself. If you don't believe me by now it's a you problem, not a me problem.

Moving along...

The section in the above excerpt separated by dashes is what I'd like to use as the catalyst for a heartfelt "thank you."

Thank you to the majority of the female population from the majority of the male population.

Thank you.

Thank you to all the strong-minded, sexually independent women out there who continue to comfortably embrace their inner sluts on All Hallow's Eve.


[SHORT DIGRESSION: START]

Don't know about All Hallow's Eve? Tsk, tsk, reader. Get back in school and, this time, pay attention instead of sniffing glue.

[SHORT DIGRESSION: END]

It would be redundant to put the word "slutty" in front of each costume deserving of such gratitude. So, while you're reading this particular list of interjection recipients, do me a favor and consider "slutty" the understood adjective.

Thanks be to all the nurses, cowgirls, cops, she-devils, dominatrices, waitresses, playboy bunnies, celebrity wanna-be's, french-maids, biker babes, pussy cat dolls, pop-culture icons, kitty cats (basically any animal with a tail and ears), school girls, construction workers, mechanics, cheerleaders, teachers, secretaries, runway models, strippers, hookers, military personal, stewardesses, queens, butterflies, angels (again, basically anything with wings), princesses, etc.

The list goes on-and-on. There is an infinite number of possibilities and all are equally deserving of being thanked.

We'll extend a special thank you to all the random girls that wear as little lingerie as possible. To be honest, I'm not even sure what your costume is, but I KNOW it's slutty.

Thank you, girls. Thank you for trailblazing new ways to express your sexuality. Grown men everywhere would have NO reason to go out on Halloween without you. And, while you're feeling ambitious, continue to push the bad taste envelope. Or, more specifically, continue to push up your cleavage and skirt lines on Halloween allowing men everywhere to objectify you.

"Trick" or "Treat," Ladies?

We'll have to let all the fellas decide.

The Morning After: Week 6

Snow-Out

There's really not much to say this week, Patriot Nation.

Sunday's beatdown was the "perfect storm" of the New England Patriots playing well and the Tennesse Titans mailing it in. Or, maybe, Jeff Fisher's boys were just "a-scared" of the snow. Either way, the game reminded me of my college days when I was owning people in Tecmo Super Bowl.

I was unstoppable playing as the Pittsburgh Steelers.

------------------
Quick Thinking
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-- The Patriots aren't as good as they looked on Sunday and not as bad as they looked against Denver in the second half last Sunday. At 4-2 they're atop the AFC East and sparking optimism.

-- But I'll stay my judgement until they face the Colts following their bye week on Nov. 15th.

-- Memo to Meghan McCain: Try "spontaneously" hitting a treadmill instead of wearing a push up bra, pouting your lips and posting the picture on your twitter account.



-- Mariano Rivera's recent warm-up routine in game 3 of the ALCS shows that spitters aren't always necessarily quitters.

-- Sometimes they're just cheaters.

-- Quote of the Week comes from Big Nick when watching the Patriots game at a dive bar on Sunday. While waiting for her order from the bartender, an overweight woman standing near me titled her head, smelled my shirt and asked, "Smells good, what cologne?" to which I replied, "I think it's just my fabric softener." As I turned back to the game, Big Nick leaned over and quipped, "No. It's that new Calvin Klein scent, 'Snowball's Chance.'"

-- Good looking out, Nick. Thanks for making Guinness shoot out my nose.

-- Can someone please explain to me the allure of Jon & Kate Plus 8?

-- If "providing inspiration" is the new criteria for being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, Hugh Hefner should be practicing his acceptance speech for next year.

-- Brady's performance on Sunday matched the TD output from his previous 5 starts.

-- Women like Elisabetta Canalis, Clooney's newest girlfriend, provide the security I need to continue my man crush on the artist formerly known as Doug Ross, M.D.



-- An umpire addressing the media at a post-game news conference apologizing for blown calls is reason # 5,000,872 that Major League Baseball needs to begin full-game usage of instant replay.

-- Dante Wesley's hit on Clifton Smith was cowardice personified.

-- Real friendship isn't about remembering your best friend's birthday every year, it's about being able to forget their birthday without any disappointment or hurt feelings.

-- "Where the Wild Things Are" is a 2009 version of "The Banana Splits" without the instruments.

-- And in desperate need of some Prozac.

-- I don't miss Dane Cook.

-- Not even a little bit.

-- You know you're too old for your surroundings when everybody else smells like an Abercrombie & Fitch store.

-- "Slumdog Millionaire", an incredibly unrealistic love story with a happy ending, superbly supplies what all movie-goers are longing for: escapism.

-- Steve Phillips' lost his wife, house and, in all likeliness, his second high profile job because of an extramarital affair with Brooke Hundley, a production assistant at ESPN, who looks like the love child of Meatloaf and Rosie.

-- But, on the bright side, she has a wicked cool blaster.



-- Listen to Yoda about the dark side you should have, Steve.

-- Maybe he has PGAD.

-- For those who don't know, PGAD is a newly described disorder that is not yet fully understood and refers to the experience of persistent feelings of genital arousal that are not associated with sexual stimulation of any kind.

-- When I was young it wasn't called "PGAD." It was called "Puberty."

-- Or Hoggin'.

-- Uncomfortable Conversation of the Week comes from a couple that were standing much too close to me at a bar this weekend:

Girl: "Thanks for carrying me to my car last weekend. I was wasted."

Guy: "I didn't carry you anywhere. We hooked up in my car."

Girl: "Oh. Thanks, anyways."

-- And, somewhere, a father weeps.

The Morning After: Week 5

I usually enjoy being right...

On Friday, June 5th, I wrote the following statement, "Papelbon has come to earth and, before it's all said and done, he'll have cost us a must win game."

Don't believe me?

Your lack of faith disappoints me, dear readers. But I'll offer proof in the form of the following link:
http://originalsportsandthoughts.blogspot.com/2009/06/morning-after-vicious-cycles.html.

And, while you satiate your skepticism, I'll sing a musical interlude.

INTERLUDE: "Every anywhere, heights, plains, peaks or valleys. Entrances, exits, vestibules and alleys. Windin' roads that test the firm nerve, fortune or fatal behind the blind curve. The engine oil purrs, light flash to a blur, speed work through the earth make your motor go scurrrr."

Mos Def with The Roots. Awesome.

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm pointing out this prediction, dear readers. Rest assured, I'm not here to say, "I told you so." I'm simply here to point out that the failure we witnessed on Sunday was the same failure we witnessed all season long and the flaws in our team need to be remedied or we'll experience the same heartache next October.

Listen, I never imagined Papelbon's meltdown would be on display in a playoff game, Sox Nation. Nor did I think it would happen with 2 outs and a 2 run lead. But it did happen. And, in its wake, it left us with a familiar option: "Wait 'Til Next Year." Come to think of it, I think that old adage is hanging in the back of my closet somewhere.

I hope it still fits.

--------------------
Quick Thinking
--------------------

-- Nothing knocks a girl from the proverbial mountain-top-of-hotness to the muffin-top-buffet-line faster than the following question: "Um, do you have a plunger?"

-- And my response to said question earned yours truly the Quote of the Week, "Funny you should ask. As a matter of fact, I do have a plunger. But I also have a front door. Guess which one I hope you find first?"

-- True story.

-- Randy Moss is hurt more severely than we're being told.

-- Memo to all NFL defensive players: Can someone puh-leeeze choke slam the quarterback when he lines up as a wide receiver so I don't have to watch and/or hear about the Wildcat offense anymore?

-- Thanks in advance.

-- Tom Brady's career record of 1-6 against the Broncos shows that every great athlete has his kryptonite.

-- We learned a long time ago it wasn't women.

-- Am I the only one that thinks C.C. Sabathia looks like the Monster from Young Frankenstein?



-- Putting on the RIIIIIITTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZ!

-- Star Wars: In Concert is an immersive, multimedia experience built around John Williams' score -- anchored by a three-story, high-definition LED screen showing clips from all six Star Wars movies -- currently on tour worldwide.

-- 32 years later and Star Wars continues to polarize and generate revenue.

-- Ride that shit 'til the wheels fall off, George.

-- The new South Park episode, where Ike sees dead celebrities, is the funniest I've seen in a long, long time.

-- In a galaxy not so far away.

-- ESPN Films' documentary series 30 for 30 is worth watching every Tuesday night at 8pm.

-- The Cowboys' overtime victory in Kansas City earned coach Wade Phillips a longer stay of execution.

-- But not THAT much longer.

-- My flatulence, following a night of drinking, should be considered a WMD.

-- Painfully Reality Check of the Week: The New York Yankees are cement to win the World Series this year.

-- The sad part is there are some folks out there that actually WANT to see Marge Simpson naked.

-- Are classical musicians who perform Star Wars: In Concert considered to be "geeks" by other classical musicians?

-- Finally got a chance to watch Gran Torino and was disappointed by both the poor acting and the plot predictability.

-- You know things are bad in Patriot Nation, dear readers, when our defense makes Kyle Orton look like a Pro-Bowl quarterback.

-- And signing a 40-year-old linebacker is not the solution.

The Morning After: Week 4

Enjoying the unenjoyable.

A fan base is only as loyal as its expectations.

What I mean by that, dear readers, is the lower a fan's expectations are for his or her favorite team, the more genuine the support they will show said team during a given season. The converse is also true. The higher a fan's expectations are for his or her favorite team, the more frustration replaces support when said team struggles during a given season.

I know, I know. I'm getting a bit too abstract and you're all wondering, "What's your point?"

My point is this: the success of the New England Patriots over the past decade has skewed our expectations as fans and we can't let those skewed expectations dampen our support for our current team.

And I'm at the top of the list.

So instead of complaining I think what we need to do is realize that victory is no longer a foregone conclusion when our Patriots take the field.

We need to watch our team grow into a champion instead of expecting them to be champions by default.

We need to support Tom Brady on every poor pass as he finds his timing while he continues to get healthy.

We need to have faith in Bill Belichick and his coaching staff that the recent personnel decisions they made were in the best interest of our team.

And, ultimately, we need to sit back and appreciate the fact that our team, filled with new names and faces, is starting to play well and find its identity.

So let's enjoy the ride.

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Quick Thinking
-------------------

-- The New England defense is starting to look faster and faster every week.

-- And that's a lot faster than they've looked in a long, long time.

-- If I were Bobby Bowden, I wouldn't want to be replaced by a guy named "Jimbo" either.

-- Granted, Favre played well against his old team on Monday Night Football. But the media needs to take their collective tongue out of his ass.

-- Memo to Cowboy Nation: You're in trouble when Romo can't even win regular season games anymore.

-- How great would it be if the NFL had a one game playoff instead of all those tie breakers to decide wild card berths?

-- That's a rhetorical question.

-- Kelly Ann Waltz is the latest exotic pet owner to be killed by an animal she spent her life caring for.

-- But, on the bright side, the black bear who mauled Kelly extended Mother Nature's undefeated streak against Idiots-Who-Keep-Wild-Animals-as-Pets.

-- I'm worried that all seems quiet on the eastern front with the start of October baseball just days away.

-- Tom Brady is getting closer, y'all.

-- Zombieland is a 1:21 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

-- Quote of the Week comes from LeBron James in response to Braylon Edwards allegedly punching one of his friends outside a Cleveland night club, "My friend is 130 pounds. Seriously. It's like hitting one of my kids."

-- Sounds like someone needs to stop sipping on the Haterade, Braylon.

-- Did you know there was a music genre called "Horrorcore?"

-- And, no, I'm not talking about the irritating jingles you hear in elevators.

-- So Ambitious is Jay-Z and Pharrell's latest collaborative triumph.

-- Beating the Baltimore Ravens on Sunday was a huge step forward for the the 2009 New England Patriots.

-- Despite the win, I'm still keeping my season expectations low but my hopes very high.

-- Jon Gruden's insight will be missed in the MNF booth when he inevitably takes a coaching position next season.

-- You know it's a new world, dear readers, when professional sports leagues have to start issuing rules and regulations for appropriate athlete tweeting behaviour.

-- So let me get this straight: We've gone from "You play to win the game" to "You play to tweet after the game?"

-- HELLO?!?

-- Memo to anyone who's planning a vacation to Thailand: skip the bungee jump.

-- What the hell happened to the Tennessee Titans?

-- Memo to ESPN: Please have a talk with your MNF crew. Commentary like "back door gap discipline" should never be used during a football telecast.

-- Unless, of course, I'm watching the Lingerie Football League.

-- HAY-OOOO!!

-- Speaking of which, are breast implants going to be considered illegal performance enhancers in the LFL?

-- I'm thankful there's a fine line between the criminal culpability for recording and releasing video of a naked celebrity sportscaster and watching said video on the Internet.

-- I have enough legal issues as it is.

-- Minnesota Viking Jarred Allen has the best mullet in the NFL.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Michael Barrett is the early 2010 Oscar favorite for Best Live Action Short Film.

-- And Best Costume Design.