The Morning After: Vicious Cycles

Now that the dust has settled from a VERY busy month in sports I'm finally allowed the opportunity to discuss a few topics that received far more attention from the media than deserved in the past weeks.

I can hear you already, dear readers: "What topics?! What topics are you going to shed light on today, Daddy?! DO TELL!"

Whoa...time out. TIME OUT!

You all know I love class participation (after all, it does account for 25% of your grade.) However, I think we already discussed my specific feelings toward you calling me "Daddy." [See, Dropping Knowledge and Balls, 3/24/09]

But, despite my objection, you have just let the proverbial cat-out-of-the-bag and, as a result, we have to incorporate a safety word into our relationship. I told you I wasn't ready to take this relationship to that level but you've forced my hand and leave me no choice.

You should have heeded my previous warnings, dear readers. Punishment will come simple & swift: I'm not going to share the safety word with you (not yet, anyway.) I'll work it in towards the bottom of the blog. Until then, however, you'll have to deal with the consequences of your actions.

Bring out the Gimp.

Now, as I was saying...wait. WAIT! Can someone please grab that gag ball over there? I can't continue amidst all this screaming.

That's better. Moving on...

Ok, where was I? Oh, that's right: I want to cover a few topics today that have received far too much press lately: Brett Favre & Manny Ramirez.

Neither athlete is a stranger to headlines but both became "hot-button" topics again in the past weeks. And, as we all know, when stories get to that level the media coverage has a habit of making too much noise and too little sense -- all sound and fury with no substance.

But, lucky for me, where there's stupidity there's opportunity.

What opportunity you ask? Impressive question. Even more impressive is that fact that you had the constitution to ask it with a gag ball in your mouth while playing punch-and-tickle with with the Gimp.

Kudos to you!

As a reward, you've earned the knowledge of our safety word: Bananas. Please make note of it.

Onto answering the question.

In their haste to exhaust every angle the media managed to overlook the simple truth about each story. I'll examine what was overlooked below.

ESPN, a.k.a The Worldwide Leader, was so concerned with their "what's happening now" updates that they forget to think about if what their sportscasters were reading from the prompters was even newsworthy.

Basic diversion tactic.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

I can't blame ESPN, though.

Sport has become more about business than "the game." And, like any other media outlet that is supported by advertising revenue, ESPN is pushing sports as a business to gain one thing: ratings. Said ratings give ESPN the ammunition to calculate what advertisers will pay to run commercials on their network. How do you think they pay for all those talking heads and flashy graphics?

This isn't a new concept, y'all. News outlets have been using fear to up rating and circulation numbers since their inception. ESPN is just a sports version of that. Instead of using fear they use speculation.

Shit, even Monks who take a vow of silence use propaganda to illicit desired responses from individuals and control the masses (Double entendre anyone?) Some of them make great beer, too.

But I digress with the help of Delirium Tremens. Yummy.

It's a simple equation, really: Speculation + Highlights = Ratings.

You actually think that just because ESPN covers sports there isn't an agenda within every broadcast? Really?

You probably also think the NFL cares more about the Super Bowl game itself as opposed to the billions of dollars in revenue they make from advertisers buying air time. Good grief.

Listen, if you don't understand what I'm saying than you should probably stop reading my blog. The concept seems so simple & obvious to me that I'm not going to continue with examples.

Oh, and let me help with another topic you might be struggling with: Santa Claus isn't real.

[SIDE NOTE: END]


FAVRE

The continuation of the Brett Favre saga is about one thing: a man on a journey attempting to repair his damaged ego. Period. Favrie (not a typo) has become the slighted boyfriend who was broken up with. A younger, sexier quarterback lured the eye of the Green Bay Packers and they sent Brett packing.

"Don't let the door hit ya!"

A man's ego can't handle that kind of rejection! ESPECIALLY if that man is a professional athlete. As an athlete, Brett has been doted on and coddled his entire career. He's gotten everything he wants in life with relative ease (just like most elite athletes.) There's simply no reference point for how to handle rejection.

And, to boot, he got the worst break up line of all time: 'It's not you, it's me."

Brutal.

The Jets were a rebound girl. A place where he didn't really want to be but where he could repair his bruised ego and start feeling better about himself. Starting the season at 8-3 helped Brett do just that. Mission accomplished he hit cruise control to save himself for the REAL plan: to date the hated next door neighbor and rub it in his ex-girlfriends face.

He might as well have worn a Vikings uniform during the last 5 games of the Jets season.

Don't fool yourselves, dear readers. This continued saga isn't about the love of the game or wanting one last shot at "winning the big one" or about the health of his arm as ESPN would have you believe.

It's about one thing and one thing only: saying "Fuck You!" to the girl -- um, I mean TEAM -- that told him the relationship was over when he wasn't ready for it to be.

Typical relationship psychology: you always want what you can't have.

Just like in relationships, though, you end up looking like a fool when you do things for the wrong reasons. Stubbornness isn't attractive. When it's all said and done Brett's gonna come to the same conclusion we've all come to at one point or another -- revenge is never really worth it -- unless you're ratings increase watching it happen.

Right ESPN?

Let go, Brett. The white knuckles are tarnishing your golden legacy.


MANNY

This one's as simple as it gets: Manny Ramirez took Performance Enhancing Drugs (PEDs.)

Duh.

If you take your "sports fan" hat off and put your "rational person" hat on for a second you'll come to the safe assumption that most power hitters since the epic home run race between "Mike McGwire & Sammy Sooser" in '98 have used, or are currently using, PEDs.

There's simply too much proof floating around out there. It's obvious that PEDs make good players great and great players immortal. Don't give me that "steroids don't help you hit a 95mph fast ball" nonsense. Players wouldn't use PEDs unless they worked.

Go ask Brady Anderson what he thinks and get back to me.

Performance Enhancing Drugs are as much a part of the game as the seventh inning stretch. Why do you think the Steroid Era moniker exists? Because of 2 or 3 guys? Get your head of the sand. PED and steroid use has been linked to baseball since the mid-80's and Manny's test showed us that they're still being used today.

I've spent a lot of time wondering why baseball players would risk so much by still taking PEDs. The testing, the penalties and the media scrutiny are effective deterrents, right? Manny's suspension shows us that's obviously not the case. I believe the game of baseball has evolved to the point where players risk more by NOT doing them.

Just ask Big Papi.

Think about it. Baseball is a game to us fans but its a J-O-B to the players. If there was a substance that you could take that would improve your jobby-job skills thus giving you the opportunity to make millions of more dollars in your respective field, would you take it?

That's a rhetoricial question.

Don't bullshit me and tell me you wouldn't. More importantly, don't bullshit yourself. Of COURSE you would take that substance. Why wouldn't you?

Favor time! I need everyone to sit down and put away their morality sticks for a bit. I'm going to say something that you might not agree with. Ready: I don't blame the athletes. I don't.

Please sit down and put your stick away like I asked before I grab the gag ball and bring out the Gimp again.

Thanks in advance.

Ok, so if I don't blame the people actually taking the drugs than who do I blame? Great questions today, class! (I see an A++ for some one's class participation grade in the near future!)

I blame the media.

The same media that is busy crucifying Manny today was just as busy praising Sammy and Mark for saving baseball in '98 (And DON'T tell me the media didn't know the players were taking steroids.) The same 'long ball' that helped create ESPN's highlight sports world is now being condemned.

How can the media be on such opposite ends of the same topic only 10 years later?

I KNOW you know the answer this time, dear readers. I'll even help with another fancy equation to help you see it: Home Runs in '98 + PED Cheats in '09 = (That's right, baby) RATINGS!

ESPN's exhaustive coverage of all steroid related stories in baseball isn't about protecting the sanctity of a game being tarnished by drugs. They don't care about that. What they do care about is having something to talk about.

Steroid use in baseball has become the equivalent of that couple in your office having an affair in that everyone knows about. It's not news but makes for great water cooler gossip, doesn't it?

It has gotten to the point where PED use isn't even the story anymore. ESPN has experts telling us all we need to know about Manny's prescriptions, his apology, his doctor's name, his trainer's past and his parent's signed permission slip for little Manny to take steroids. The media would have you believe it's all about "Manny being Manny." But it's not.

It's about Manny being what he is: today's version of a professional baseball player.

And, last I checked, that's not really news worthy.

---------------------
The Big Question
---------------------

At times, as sports fans, we can be very critical of our athletes. Most people think that because they make millions of dollars athletes should always be focused on one thing: winning the game.

But they're people, too. They have personal lives. And, as we all know, sometimes personal life responsibilities supercede work responsibilities forcing us to do things we wouldn't normally do (Like seek revenge or take illegal substances.)

With that in mind, this week's question:

Q: As a professional athlete (in the sport of your choice) what would your moral barometer be?

Really think about it. Imagine everything in your life being the same. Same friends, family, significant other & kids. The one big difference: your job.

Could you really always put everything else in your life aside -- ego, family, contract worries, etc. -- and focus on just winning the game?

Speculation allowed.

-------------------
Quick Thinking
-------------------

-- Heidi Watney looks better in HD.

-- I'm glad Lowell is still wearing a Red Sox uniform.

-- Ladies, be thankful you don't get "morning wood." Having to go pee with an erection is very confusing.

-- Maybe Papi would hit better if it were a contract year.

-- Button-fly shorts exacerbate the urge to void when at a public urinal.

-- McCains desire to pardon Jack Johnson reeks of political posturing. I mean, how else can he target the voting demographic that cost him the Presidency?

-- Desire is stronger than Love...and its not even close.

-- Haven Bros. is home to one of the greatest late night snacks ever: Cheese Fries.

-- Habba-Da CHEESE FRIES! (for v2.0)

-- If pressed, though, I would have to say Velveeta is superior to their main ingredient Cheese Whiz.

-- Isiah Thomas destroyed the CBA, the Knicks and his Hall of Fame resume with arrogance and idiocy. Next in his sights: FIU.

-- I'll give you 3 guesses how its going to work out. And the first 2 don't count.

-- While known better today for his video game namesake, Madden was a tremendous NFL mind who helped reshape football in the 70's & 80's. Enjoy the time off, Coach. You've earned it.

-- I've said this before but Griffey's swing is timeless.

-- Memo to The Worldwide Leader: you really need to increase your hairstylist budget. I mean, Steve Levy's helmet? C'mon.

-- Rodney Harrison's leadership in the secondary is going to be missed more than his hard hits.

-- You know times are changing when you're at a bar and the entertainment is a shirtless man with a shaved head, save his 4 foot ponytail, painted silver beat boxing Kanye West songs.

-- True story.

-- Actually, while I'm at it, silver painted white people should never beat box 50 Cent songs either.

-- Or have 4 foot long braided ponytails.

-- Ever.

-- Dr. Dre's first verse on Eminem's track Old Time's Sake is the smoothest 20+ seconds of rap I've ever heard.

-- Ever.

-- Despite their loss to Orlando, Paul Pierce has solidified his reputation as one of the greatest Celtics ever.

-- Repetitive: Ever.

-- ESPN always touting itself as "The Worldwide Leader" reeks of insecurity. You cover all things sports and you're bigger than everyone else. WE GET IT.

-- Quote of the Week comes from me while playing a pick up game of basketball. As I posted up the wee man guarding me and turned for a shot he literally swung on my arms trying to defend me resulting in this little quip: "The monkey bars are outside, little man."

-- I made the shot.

-- Watching coverage of Tom Brady throw a football gives me butterflies.

-- I get a different kind of butterflies watching his new wife do, um, anything.

-- Like earning her red wings:



-- Van Every may not take Rocco's job this year but he will challenge Pedroia for worst hairline in baseball.

-- Papelbon has come to earth and, before its all said and done, he'll have cost us a must win game.

-- Jealousy makes you ugly.

-- It became clear to me watching the NBA Finals last night that the league and their referees have an agenda.

-- I still like Orlando in six, though.

-- Quote of the Week II comes from me as well (after all, I am Daddy.) While having a drink at a local bar during Lesbian Pride Night a woman who looked EXACTLY like Ralph Macchio walked by me prompting me to shout, "Sweep the leg, Johnny. SWEEP THE LEG!"

-- BANANAS!!!

-- Brother Ali's single Good Lord reminds me of Whitey Ford but is still worth a listen for the bass line, piano play and lyrics.

-- I used to think that people misunderstanding me was a "me" problem. I'm not so sure anymore.

-- Have you heard of Pat Venditte? He's an ambidextrous pitcher with big league "stuff."

-- Figures. The only thing I can do effectively with both hands is masturbate.