The Morning After: Week 15

What we've got here is a failure to communicate.

I've learned a valuable lesson this week, dear readers. A lesson I will not soon forget.

And, in an effort to give during this holiday season, I'm going to share what I've recently learned with all of you. Sit back, put down the eggnog and allow Santa TJ to come down the knowledge chimney with a bag full of goodies to help you navigate through the shitty mess that sometimes consumes our lives. Consider it the best stocking stuffer of all time.

Fucking Garmin and Tom-Tom have nothing on me.

The lesson is simply this: People SAY they want the truth but they don't.

Let that sink in.

People don't want the truth. What people really want is to have THEIR version of the truth verified and proven to be correct. The "real" truth matters very little. It's "their" truth that people care most about. The danger, of course, is anything that goes against "their" version of the "truth," whether it's based in reality or not, is met with denial and disbelief.

Just ask Christopher Columbus.

The truth is too simple in current times. Today's Avatar world is one of CGI, motion capture and special effects. Shit, we even use "emoticons" to express our emotion in texts and emails. Our entire lives have become simulated, dear readers. And, when the "real" truth doesn't fit into that simulation, people simply meltdown.

So, in addition to all the gifts you've wrapped this week, be sure to give people in your life the one vital gift that doesn't fit into a box with tissue paper: confirmation that the belief structure regulating their lives is accurate.

Even when it's not.

------------------
Quick Thinking
------------------

-- Thanks to all those in the media that defended Randy Moss' play against the Carolina Panthers last week while unwittingly introducing the phrase "check the coach's tape" as a viable excuse to combat obvious poor performance.

-- It will become my "go to" excuse for any poor decision I make in 2010.

-- Because we all know I'm prone to a poor decision on occasion.

-- And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to...

-- Patriots fans have been treated to a record of 125-50 (including playoffs) and 3 Super Bowl Championships in the past decade.

-- No wonder most have been complaining like spoiled brats this year.

-- Truth is no match for paranoia.

-- Think Mike Tyson in his prime against Butterbean.

-- Or King Hippo.

-- 24 Hour Karate School is The Mighty Mos' latest triumph.

-- Quote of the Week comes from Randy Moss when addressing the media following New England's 17-10 win over Buffalo on Sunday, "These shoulders that I have on my body, you could put the earth on [them]."

-- Thanks, Atlas.

-- But we'll settle for your best effort on every play.

-- R.I.P. Tiger's legacy.

-- I'm not on Team Edward.

-- Or Team Jacob.

-- I am, however, on Team Count Chocula.

-- And, when it's available, Team Boo Berry.

-- Were Biz Markie and Warren Sapp separated at birth?



-- Or maybe they're just friends.

-- Extra Credit Assignment of the Week: Check out the documentary Expelled: Intelligence Not Allowed starring Ben Stein as he investigates the different evolutionary theories of Darwinism and Intelligent Design.

-- Shout out to Ken Rapoza, a former colleague, who's favorite phrase "Always stay in school even if it's not in a classroom" has stuck with me all these years.

-- Congratulations to Sharae Spears for being named Playboy's 2009 Cyber Girl of the Year.



-- And for not being named one of Tiger's mistresses.

-- The "tuck rule" luck that propelled Tom Brady & the New England Patriots into the NFL's elite team stratosphere is starting to run out.

-- And we all know what happens when luck runs out.

-- A portrait of the artist as a young man:



-- Or as his childhood alter ego: Captain Starch.

-- Sage Advice of the Week: Nothing positive ever comes out of a lifestyle anchored by booze, sex and drugs.

-- NOTHING.

-- Unless, of course, you check the coach's tape.