Decade's Advocate

The last blog of 2009 for Sports and Thoughts is a milestone of sorts, dear readers. It serves as the final entry concluding the first full year of blogging for yours truly.

Please hold your applause to the end.

With that in mind, I'd like to reminisce with a reflective version of Quick Thinking highlighting the world that was through my eyes over the past year. And, I'm proud of having the discipline to continue to blog knowing full well my words reach very few, I want to shut the door on 2009 and open up one that holds better things for all of us in 2010.

Like my boy T.S. Eliot said, "For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."

Brilliant.

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Not So Quick Thinking
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January

-- I wore the same number in my sports career as Forrest Gump. That makes me feel a bit uneasy despite his fictitious status.

-- All major NCAA Football programs didn't achieve integration until 1972. Think about that when you watch this year's Inauguration.

-- Whenever I see Hillary Clinton speaking on TV, I can't help but think one thing: Is her dick bigger than mine?

-- The porn industry is asking for a bail out. I refuse to believe things have gotten so bad that people are too broke to masturbate.

-- Last I checked masturbation was free. Or am I doing it wrong?

-- Quote of the Year comes from my 12 year old nephew when asking me how much I weighed, "Really? My dad weighs 220 pounds. But you're ripped. Dad's all apple crisp, Ben & Jerry's and Gregg's chocolate cake."

February

-- R.I.P every idiot who, in an effort to 'think outside the box' and sound smart, called into local radio stations saying, "Maybe we should trade Brady..."

-- Never question the game of a man who just married the wealthiest supermodel in the world.

-- Quote of the Year II comes from a coworker whom I've never met. I heard this gem from a cell phone conversation he was having at work: "You better come to your senses! In 6-8 months you're going to be missing me 'cuz the kid will look just like me. Stop being stupid."

-- Apparently he learned how to whisper in a saw mill.

-- And, based on the tub of Muscle Milk he keeps on his desk for all to see, he learned how to speak to women at his local GNC.

-- JAGER BOMBS!!!

March

-- Memo to ARod: You can't wear a sleeveless shirt and invite the world to your "gun show" if you're trying to convince us that you're NOT taking steroids anymore.



-- As a matter of fact, even if you WEREN'T trying to convince the world you're clean, you can't take pictures like that.

-- Ever.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that the tequila shots ARod admittedly had to "loosen up" before his recent Details shoot were served in a syringe.

June

-- If Kraft Sports Productions is to the New England Patriots as NESN is to the Boston Red Sox: Does that mean Kristina Akra is Kraft's answer to NESN's Heidi Watney?



-- Advantage: Watney.

-- Sage Rosenfels sounds more like a character from a J.R.R. Tolkien book than someone who is going to compete for a starting quarterback job in the NFL this year.

-- Quote of the Year III comes from my boy Big Nick when he was asked, by an unnamed assailant, what he would do if he ever woke up to find a woman masturbating in a chair next to him: "I'd just tell your mom to go home."

-- A well-placed "momma joke" is timeless.

-- Ladies, be thankful you don't get "morning wood." Having to go pee with an erection is very confusing.

-- Desire is stronger than Love...and its not even close.

-- Papelbon has come to earth and, before its all said and done, he'll have cost us a must win game.

August

-- Hunch of the Year: I think this year's defending Super Bowl Champion Steelers are going be a lot like the defending Super Bowl Champion Steerlers of 2006.

-- For those that don't know they finished that season 8-8.

-- MLB players that are "Designated for Assignment" might as well be told "Hey, go fuck yourself."

-- Memo to all the people out there who wish they were smarter: Intelligence isn't automatically knowing the answers. It's about putting forth the effort to find the answers.

-- Put forth the effort.

-- Quote of the Year IV comes from a teammate on my Sunday morning basketball team when reacting to me posting up our opponents point guard and hitting a no look lay up off glass: "You should shoot not looking at the basket more often."

-- A compound found in blue M&M dye, called Brilliant BlueG, has been found to prevent permanent damage that typically follows a traumatic spinal cord injury.

-- The side effect, however, is BBG turns the patient blue.

-- So THAT'S why there wasn't a Wheelchair Smurf!

-- The LFL is further proof that some people think "half-naked" women are the best medicine for tough times.

-- Jackie Danico of the New England Euphoria supports that school of thought:



-- But the smart ones know the real solution is the "all-naked" variety.

September

-- The Red Sox celebrating their wild card birth following a loss feels a lot like a man bragging about hooking up with a hot chick while she was black out drunk.

-- In my defense, though, she didn't seem that drunk.

-- Early Christmas Wish of the Year: I would love to see the HBO Series Hard Knocks follow the New England Patriots through training camp next year.

-- The Cincinnati Bengals are better than you think.

-- Seattle's color man Mike Blowers' accurate AM radio prediction that Seattle rookie Matt Tuiasosopo would hit his first major league home run during his second at bat on a 3-1 fastball into left center field in Toronto is the most incredible prognostication ever made.

-- EVER.

-- And it's not even close.

-- It also provides further proof that God is a sports fan.

October

-- How great would it be if the NFL had a one game playoff instead of all those tie breakers to decide wild card berths?

-- That's a rhetorical question.

-- Memo to ESPN: Please have a talk with your MNF crew. Commentary like "back door gap discipline" should never be used during a football telecast.

-- Unless, of course, I'm watching the Lingerie Football League.

-- HAY-OOOO!!

-- I'm thankful there's a fine line between the criminal culpability for recording and releasing video of a naked celebrity sportscaster and watching said video on the Internet.

-- I have enough legal issues as it is.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Michael Barrett is the early 2010 Oscar favorite for Best Live Action Short Film.

-- And Best Costume Design.

-- Nothing knocks a girl from the proverbial mountain-top-of-hotness to the muffin-top-buffet-line faster than the following question: "Um, do you have a plunger?"

-- Am I the only one that thinks C.C. Sabathia looks like the Monster from Young Frankenstein?


-- Putting on the RIIIIIITTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZ!

-- My flatulence, following a night of drinking, should be considered a WMD.

-- Steve Phillips' lost his wife, house and, in all likeliness, his second high profile job because of an extramarital affair with Brooke Hundley, a production assistant at ESPN, who looks like the love child of Meatloaf and Rosie.

-- But, on the bright side, she has a wicked cool blaster.



-- Listen to Yoda about the dark side you should have, Steve.

-- Maybe he has PGAD.

-- For those who don't know, PGAD is a newly described disorder that is not yet fully understood and refers to the experience of persistent feelings of genital arousal that are not associated with sexual stimulation of any kind.

-- When I was young it wasn't called "PGAD." It was called "Puberty."

-- Or Hoggin'.

-- Real friendship isn't about remembering your best friend's birthday every year, it's about being able to forget their birthday without any disappointment or hurt feelings.

-- Women like Elisabetta Canalis, Clooney's newest girlfriend, provide the security I need to continue my man crush on the artist formerly known as Doug Ross, M.D.



November

-- I'm starting to learn that secrets only live in the hearts and minds of the foolish.

-- Memo to all the ladies who are in love with those brooding characters found in Stephenie Meyer's and Charlaine Harris' books: Vampires and werewolves aren't real.

-- Neither is eternal love.

-- The chances that any man, particularly a vampire, would literally spend an eternity with one woman is the most unrealistic plot line of those stories.

-- It's actually the most unrealistic plot line of ANY story.

-- However, as a vampire, I would at least consider spending an eternity with Jamie Westenhiser:



-- As long as we had some coconut oil.

-- And Gregg's Chocolate Cake

-- There's no truth to the rumor that following his accusations the Detriot Lions were faking injuries to slow Cleveland's no-huddle offense, Mr. Mangini phoned all his past girlfriends to see what they may have faked.

-- I hope they at least kept the change.

December

-- Memo to Tiger Woods: Putting your balls in multiple holes is only acceptable on the golf course.

-- Nothing ruins that clean-out-of-the-shower feeling faster than a poorly timed fart while bending over to dry your feet.

-- Quote of the Year VI comes from a 30-something friend who recently went on a date with a 19-year-old girl, "I think local authorities sounded an AMBER Alert when she got into my car."

-- Could be the funniest thing I've ever heard.

-- There's nothing worse than having a chance to dig out that bothersome nose nugget while leaving your home only to look up and see your neighbor waving at you.

-- The rapid nose-pick-to-wave motion is pretty obvious.

-- And awkward.

-- Tiger Woods' over active libido implies some sort of testosterone boosting PED use.

-- With a heaping side of ego juice.

-- And maybe a few resulting STDs.

-- The Green Mile, a movie getting a lot of airtime on AMC lately, is one of two movies to make me cry as an adult.

-- The other was the video footage of my wedding day.

-- I don't think either will have a sequel.

-- Quote of the Year VII comes from my boy Kevin as we flipped through The Phoenix's personal section while eating some slices at Fellini's Pizza, "Shit, there can't be that many girls in the state of RI trying to pay their way through college."

-- Memo to Daryl Johnston: Don't be afraid to put the lights on when you get dressed.



-- And the media thought Randy Moss' effort on Sunday was offensive.

-- Yikes.

-- Quote of the Year VIII comes from my boy Sean when, while we stood in line near the bar waiting to order beers at The Avery in Providence when an obvious drag queen squeezed ahead of us to get the bartender's attention, he quipped, "We'll just wait our turn. Anyone with a dick who is confused enough to wear a dress is dangerous."

-- Thanks to all those in the media that defended Randy Moss' play against the Carolina Panthers last week while unwittingly introducing the phrase "check the coach's tape" as a viable excuse to combat obvious poor performance.

-- It will become my "go to" excuse for any poor decision I make in 2010.

-- Because we all know I'm prone to a poor decision on occasion.

-- And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to...

-- A portrait of the artist as a young man:



-- Or as his childhood alter ego: Captain Starch.

-- Sage Advice of the Year: Nothing positive ever comes out of a lifestyle anchored by booze, sex and drugs.

-- NOTHING.

-- Unless, of course, you check the coach's tape.