Magic Shades

I'm growing tired of all the complaints coming from my male counterparts these days. I keep hearing comments like, "All she does is talk about 50 Shades" this and "She wants me to take her to Magic Mike to look at naked guys" that. Listen, fellas, please don't let insecurity cloud your judgement here.

Now is not the time for complaints.

Now is the time for applauding the efforts of women who are embracing a fictional sadist and a group of male strippers as the springboard to asserting their own sexuality. Freak flags are out, boys. And the only thing your complaints are doing is preventing them from flying free.

Let them fly free, baby.

The thing is, I understand why you might feel insecure. Really. I do. But you need to shift the paradigm and realize Magic Mike and Mr. Grey aren't your competition.

Not even close.

What they are, in fact, is your ally. Maybe not your best friend, but definitely someone you should admire for the service they're providing.

Yup, I said it.

Male strippers on the big screen and Christian Grey between the pages are the greatest warming trays of all time. (Even better than the ones at your favorite all-you-can-eat Chinese food place!) And you wanna know why?

Easy.

Once the credits roll and the final chapter ends, guess who all these women are going to look toward in an attempt to transform their newly found fantasies into reality? That's right: You.

You, big guy.

So it's time to man up and enjoy the circumstances you've been gifted. Put away the animosity, shed the insecurity and let these ladies express themselves. Because you know that dream you have every summer? Well, it's happening all around you.

And it's happening right now.

The weather is hot, single girls everywhere are reading porn and, as a result, they're all horny as hell while on the look-out for their own personal Christian Grey or Magic Mike.

Stop complaining about it.

2 Things: Feeding Emotions

ONE: Day Dream Teaming

The 1992 USA Basketball "Dream Team" is, and always will be, the best basketball team ever assembled. Shit, the Dream Team is the best team ever assembled in the history of teams and Kobe's assertion otherwise is ludicridiculous.

That's right.

Ludicridiculous.

Because there isn't a word in today's English language that effectively captures the level of idiocy & ignorance found in his statement.

Other than ludicridiculous, of course.

TWO: Literary Love Connection

The success of Twilight & 50 Shades has zero to do with their respective author's literary prowess or story quality and everything to do with a woman's longing for love. All kinds of love, really. Doesn't matter.

Real? Fictional?

Whatever.

Being treasured by vampires, werewolves or a sadist?

That works.

A woman's desire for being loved is the equivalent to an emotional pizza craving.

And any slice will satisfy.

Quick Thinking: Battle of the Senses

Hey, Ladies, you can keep Shades of Grey, Johnny Depp, Team Jacob, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Reynolds, George Clooney, Team Edward, The Jonas Brothers, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Magic Mike, David Beckham, Ryan Gosling, McSteamy, McDreamy AND McConaughey.

I'll take Jessica Biel.

Game.



Set.



Match.

Viva La Stool Sample!

There's a old saying that goes something like, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Unless you're asking George W., of course.

And, Georgie's interpretation notwithstanding, I need to note said famous idiom as I highlight the fact the boys over at Barstool Sports stole from me again.

Yup. Again.

They found their most recent "Guess That Ass" contestant Jessica Rafalowski, who has also become el presidente's newest favorite girl on earth, because of yours truly.

That's right, I said it.

The media powerhouse that is "El Prez" got his content from the lowly world of sports+thoughts for the second time since I answered an open job invite back in February of 2010. The proof is in my previous blog, the below pictures from his latest rape and, of course, the pudding.

Exhibit A: Posted by sports + thoughts on 6/13/12.



Exhibit B: Posted by el prez on 6/15/12.



Shameful, indeed.

Now that I think of it, there's another famous idiom that says, "Pride comes before the fall." Or maybe I'm thinking of a lesser known one that warns, "Steal from me once, shame on you. Steal from me twice, go fuck yourself."

I get them confused.

I'm not drinking the haterade, Portnoy. I get it. You're doing what all large companies do: steal from the little guy and call "dibs." I get it. It's smart business. Barstool Sports is the blueprint for what blogs can become and possesses the type of brand recognition sports+thoughts could only dream of. (Not to mention cornering the market on college girl creeping and boy wonder howitzer pictures.)

Sandusky much?

Listen, if you want to stand on the shoulders of an unknown blogger and call yourself tall, that's fine. At least have the courage to recognize the skills, chief. I may not be as well known as you are now but my success in some media capacity is inevitable and, when I achieve it, I'm gonna become the proverbial thorn in your side.

Believe it.

But, until I get there, I'll have to formulate a different plan. My gut tells me it will involve your wife, an affair, followed by cell phone pictures posted on my blog. I'm guessing she's a "good Jewish girl" but, if she's not, I'll make her one and see how strong those "dibs" calls of yours really are.

I guess you're not the only one who has a new favorite girl on earth, brother.

Game on.

Quick Thinking: Cookie Monsta

There's a group of you who have experienced Connie's Kitchen and, as a result, already know what truth lives behind the following statement: My Moms can bake. Straight up.

This blog is for those who missed that opportunity.

Connie bakes treats. And not just any kind of treats, y'all. She bakes the kind of treats that, after you eat them, you can recall with absolute clarity where you were when you first tried one, the kind of treats that make memories for you, the kind of treats that you want everyone you know to have, the kind of treats that you always crave and the kind of treats you can never have enough of.

Baking skills like you read about.

And, now that she's moving toward the next chapter of her life, Connie is going to start offering those treats to paying customers. (That's right, "Let them eat Connie's Kitchen" is right around the corner.) But, before we get the goodness out there, we need to build a brand, find a voice and raise customer awareness.

That's where me & my friends at Stebbings come in.

They bring the design heat.




See?

I bring, well...um, charm, I guess. (Actually, I don't bring much charm.)

I can bring some word skills at times, though.

With that in mind, below is a draft of the product blurbs and voice I've constructed to go along with Stebbings logo for Connie's new venture. Her baking chops may have passed me by, but the skill of molding everyday ingredients into something consumable for the masses has not.

Sweet.

#himom

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Connie's Kitchen Thinking
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COOKIES

Chocolate Chip

The world’s most recognized cookie mixed with a dash of our secret ingredient: Connie’s TLC™.

And, trust us, that makes all the difference.

Chocolate Crinkles

Chocolate deliciousness showered in powdered sugar.

Looks like milk isn’t the only one who just found a new favorite cookie.

Oatmeal Raisin

The wholesome oats and raisins along with Connie’s TLC™ will surely stir memories from your childhood. Or create them.

Time traveling has never been so sweet. (Just don’t forget to buckle your safety belt!)

Oatmeal Cranberry Chunk

We replaced the raisins with cranberries and added white chocolate chips to satisfy your sweet tooth. Think of them as oatmeal raisin’s long lost cousin.

Let the friendly family flavor feud begin!

Peanut Butter

Classic, salty & sweet. These handcrafted cookies may have been pressed into form with a fork, but each was certainly shaped with love.

Shaped with Connie’s TLC™, to be exact.

Raspberry Thumbprints

Buttery shortbread, raspberry preserves and an almond glaze are the main culprits that make up these unique treats.

Lucky for you, eating more than one isn’t a crime.

Snickerdoodles

We’re not sure where snickerdoodles gained their namesake either. But we know the cinnamon sugar goodness is no mystery.

It’s elementary, my dear.

Sugar

The cookie in its most basic form.  6 ingredients: Sugar, eggs, butter, flour, vanilla and, of course, Connie’s TLC™. Yes, they’re simple.

But far from plain.


SPECIALTIES

Brownie Bites

Fudgy goodness that will help you scratch those anytime-of-day chocolate itches.

Yes. It’s ok to keep scratching.

Chocolate Chip Squares

Our classic chocolate chip cookie revisited. (Well, actually just reshaped.) Turns out it is hip to be square.

It’s yummy, too.

Connie’s TLC™ Squares

A layer of shredded coconut on top of a layer of chocolate chips on top of a layer of walnuts on top of a layer of graham cracker crust all topped with Connie’s TLC™.

If you don’t feel the love, we know your taste buds will.

Date and Nut Squares

Dates & nuts mixed together give these cakey squares their signature taste. Powdered sugar gives them their signature look.

We’ll give you permission to enjoy both.

Peanut Butter Balls

Our trademark specialty: Hand-rolled peanut butter batter dipped in Connie’s homemade chocolate sauce.

We’re pretty sure you’ll love them to pieces.

Raisin Squares

They don’t wear glasses. And they’re not from California. But they will make your taste buds dance.

Or so we heard. (Through the grapevine, of course.)

Toffee Nut Bars

Decadent dessert bars molded with Connie’s TLC™ out of brown sugar, coconut and walnuts. They’re sweet. They’re buttery. They’re nutty.

Grab ‘em.

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

I'm not sure what makes me feel more gay:

a) Bringing my laptop with me to the Nissan dealership so I can blog while waiting for my Juke to get her scheduled tune-up.

or

b) The fact that I actually drive a Nissan Juke.

Tough call.

It's A Celebration, Bitches!

Today is my birthday. That's right, May 14th is my birthday.

May 14th, 1975 to be exact.

And, while I won't we taking advantage of my local chain restaurant's button-filled vested clapping birthday chorus line, I will be taking advantage of the reflective pause birthday's offer.

Birthday's gift us with an opportunity to reflect on the past year, give thanks for the good -- hopefully remember what we learned from the bad, of course -- set benchmarks for future ones and reminisce the unavoidable moments that have shaped who we are at whatever age we're currently at.

A quick consult with Captain Math tells me I've reached 37 this year. A number, by the way, that is very surprising to me. But the surprise has less to do with my past near-death experience and more to do with the fact that I'm kind of an asshole yet no one has choked the life out of me.

(And by "kind of" I mean "definitively.")

So I guess I have that going for me.

Happy Birthday to me.