Quick Thinking: Let's Go Have a Goddamn Snack

I know one game does not a season make but, since HBO's Hard Knocks aired this summer, the Jets have been crowned as the class of the AFC and, by a majority of media outlets, as the "best team in football."

So where do they stand following a 45-3 drubbing at the hands of the Patriots on Monday Night Football? Were the wheels officially hammered off the hype machine or did a great team simply have a bad game?

I don't know.

What I do know, however, is that while I enjoyed the ass-kicking as much as any other in Patriot Nation, the victory - in and of itself - means very little. It wasn't a playoff win. It wasn't a championship win. It was one game. And, as we all know, one game does not a season make.

Unless it's the Super Bowl.

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-- The signing of Carl Crawford means Jacoby Dreamboat just became Jacoby Tradebait.

-- It also means the age old adage, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" is Theo's new battle cry.

-- Looks like you need some more milk to wash down all that humble pie you were served on Monday night, Rex.

-- I'd recommend sticking to the skim variety.

-- Hey, Brett, at least the interception fever that has ended your previous 3 seasons can't stop your egomaniacal run toward 300 consecutive games started.

-- You may have sustained some injuries but at least you haven't tarnished your legacy in the process or anything.

-- NOT!!!

-- The respective performances of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning over the past 3 weeks with both throwing to sub-par receivers should end the debate on who the better quarterback is.

-- Tom is so good right now he's even transforming "questionable post-game wardrobe decisions" into "trendy male fashions." Let's hope he can pull off wearing the Cement Shoes (-3) this weekend in Chi-town.

-- If you haven't seen Jimmy Fallon, JT & The Roots perform The History of Rap than you NEED to.

-- Now.

-- Randy Moss being traded has turned out to be the greatest example of addition by subtraction since J.R. was shot on Dallas.

-- I'm guessing Randy wishes it was all a dream, too.

-- Why are all the ladies screaming? Did Bradley Cooper just take his shirt off or something?

-- Shit. He did?

-- Ok, fine. I'll give this one up to all my female readers out there. Have fun soaking it in, ladies.



[EDITOR'S NOTE: Sorry, ladies. I tried. But photobucket is the law around these parts.]

-- But the sound I was referring to was the collective cheer heard from Woman Nation on Sunday following the sumo chop Haloti Ngata used to break Mr. Roethlisberger's nose.

-- The irony, of course, is after getting his nose broken, trapping drunk co-eds in bathrooms while his entourage stands guard is now officially Big Ben's only recourse when he feels like getting "lucky."

-- Too soon?

-- I mean, c'mon, if there was an "e" at the end of his "rap" BEFORE his nose looked like a right angle...

-- Obligatory photos of three incredibly hot women.









-- I know the above pictures were void of any witty introduction. But, as we all know, one shirtless man needs to be balanced out by three hot women.

-- Sorry, ladies, I don't make the rules. I simply try to follow them.

Quick Thanking: Gobble, Gobble, Bitches.

America's favorite Hangover Holiday provides the perfect opportunity for starting an annual practice of paying respect to some of the sights, sounds and events that, up to this point, have directly or indirectly shaped yours truly as a person and, in most cases, the psyche-molding magic was achieved unbeknownst even to those providing it.

Let us give thanks.

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-- I'm thankful my Super Bowl kicker's name was Adam Vinatieri and not Scott Norwood.

-- Or Ray Finkle.

-- I'm thankful the judicial system is as imperfect as I am.

-- I'm thankful my nephews realize love is measured by interaction and not purchased gifts.

-- I'm thankful the Joyce Brothers Grimm have atoned for childhood wrongs by providing two sets of children who have kept hope alive in my heart since the day they were born.

-- I think Fencepost Roboto will provide more of the same.

-- Times a million.

-- I'm thankful my gut instinct is right most of the time.

-- I'm also thankful its wrong on occasion.

-- I'm thankful my journey is like no other I've ever heard off.

-- I'm thankful I can "go deep" better than Brett Favre ever will.

-- I'm thankful it wasn't 3 degrees colder the night of January 9th, 2004.

-- Or 3 degrees warmer, for that matter.

-- I'm pretty pumped I wasn't driving my Xterra that night as well.

-- I'm thankful my polarizing personality lets me know where I stand with people at all times.

-- Helps keeps me relaxed.

-- Doesn't do shit for my persistent pit stains, though.

-- I'm thankful my hometown is Central Falls, R.I.

-- Or, rather, The City of Dreams. (It's lesser known moniker.)

-- Based on the current governing body, corruption, cocaine and indictments should be in there somewhere.

-- I'm thankful Victoria has a secret.

-- Especially her "push up" ones.

-- I'm thankful the Zombie Renaissance is happening all around me.

-- I'm also thankful my stellar crossbow skills will keep me safe when the Renaissance evolves into the Apocalypse.

-- I'm thankful The Foundation allows me to be, well, me.

-- I'm thankful the demons in my closet don't visit as much.

-- I do miss "TJ" at times, though.

-- I'm thankful kdb was unapproachable.

-- I'm thankful Common's The Light provided me a musical personification of what love needs to be.

-- I'm thankful the Red Sox won a World Series Championship during my lifetime.

-- And then did it again.

-- I'm thankful v2.0 has challenged my views and sharpened my wits.

-- He also provided THE blueprint for behaviors I need to keep an eye out for when v3.0 arrives.

-- I'm thankful for every girl who broke my heart.

[Editor's Note: The resulting "rebounds" may not share that sentiment.]

-- I'm thankful for musical interludes.

-- If the second verse doesn't give you goosebumps on your goosebumps be sure to check your pulse.

-- I'm thankful the Team Chickenhawk triumvirate -- Yoda, Grandma JoJo & The Illegal Rudder -- took me under their collective wings in '99 and provided support as I discovered independence during my NYC years.

-- I'm thankful "potential" is eternal.

-- Reflection is, too.

-- I'm thankful I've seen 2 different versions of "The Big Three."

-- I'm thankful Shannon protected my youth, Saydie stood post after college and Umi shines her light today.

-- I'm thankful the sins of my father passed along to me.

-- And, now identified, I won't allow my son to be victimized by them.

-- I'm thankful I know what it feels like to dunk a basketball.

-- I'm also thankful I made it through my "career" avoiding being dunk'd on. Had a few in-game scuffles, flagrant fouls and post-game confrontations to keep that streak alive.

-- You know what they say about making an omelet...

-- I'm thankful Big Nick provides a moral standard I'll never obtain.

-- Doesn't mean I can't keep trying.

-- I'm thankful this blog has provided the voice I need to make sense of it all.

-- I'm thankful you take a little time out of your day to read sportsandthoughts.com.

-- Yes, you.

Quick Thinking: Character Flaws

True character is displayed during the valleys - not the peaks - of life, dear readers. So, while I'm dusting myself off for the umteenth time, my focus will be on things I live for.

And writing this blog is one of those things.

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-- The Boston Celtics will run away with the Eastern Conference Title this year.

-- Then roll over Los Angeles in 5 for the franchises' 18th championship.

-- When I eventually have children, I've decided I want to "cut the cord" with the follow caveat: I get to use those big novelty scissors politicians use when a new, upscale hotel is opened in the heart of their city.

-- Hope I make it through hospital security with 'em.

-- Michael Vick's reclamation project is officially complete.

-- Congratulations on debunking all those relationship stereotypes swirling around professional athletes, Mr. Parker. You've squandered the love of a beautiful woman in addition to the privilege that comes along with it.

-- But, on the bright side, at least you'll make Tiger's Christmas card list this year.

-- So you have that going for you...

-- The over/under in the Cowboys/Lions game is wearing the Cement Shoes this weekend.

-- If they don't, I'll be wearing a pair at the bottom of the Blackstone River by Monday morning.

-- I don't remember dating a girl name Karma. But, based on how much the bitch hates me, I must have.

-- She should have realized I wasn't a keeper.

-- Quote of the Week goes to my favorite co-worker who made the following observation while having a post work libation, "Terrence, that girl is special...well, for a Hooters' girl."

-- They're all special, mate.

-- They're all cukin' frazy, too.

-- Beyonce's new commercial supports the age old marketing adage that sex does, in fact, sell.

-- There's no truth to the rumor an assistant falling to his death from a video taping tower is a microcosm of Notre Dame's football program during the post Lou Holtz era.

-- Too soon?

-- Does remembering when microwave popcorn was invented make me old?

-- Really?

-- Next thing you know you'll be telling me eating that same bag of popcorn near the local grade school during recess makes me creepy.

-- Useless Information Award of the Week goes to the New England Patriots for having a player named Zoltan.

-- Don't mess with him.

-- -- Remember, y'all, if you've ever enjoyed a laugh while reading and you have a facebook account, PLEASE CLICK HERE to become a fan.

-- Big ups to Kansas State University professor Mark Haub for changing the perception of my love for Twinkies from a "guilty pleasure" to a "healthy diet option."

-- Emmy Rossum, following in the footsteps of Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox, is the latest starlet to fall for Adam Duritz.

-- This is Ms. Rossum.



-- And this is Mr. Duritz.



-- If his pimp prowess continues, Adam will overtake Justin Timberlake atop my "man crush" list.

-- As well as Wilt Chamberlain.

You Can Take the Boy Out of C.F. ...

This blog is a shout out to a childhood friend who, since kindergarten, has navigated the minefield known as friendship with Terrence Joyce. (Think Saving Private Ryan but, rather than having a bunch of Germans shooting at you while you storm the beaches, you have to dodge the mean-spirited quips of my multiple personalities. Oh, and we outnumber the German army by millions.)

My friend, one Mr. Jorge Betancourt, offered an eye opening observation when he said: "I just want to tell you you're slackin' on your blog."

He's right.

The fact of the matter is simple: I'm not writing solely for my own selfish, cathartic needs anymore. As incredible as it may seem I actually have fans. Sure, maybe not enough to fill a school bus to capacity but certainly enough to push that same school bus out of harm's way so long as it was down a steep hill. Either way, regardless of the real number, fans are the personification of accountability which means I need to be, well, more accountable.

If I "expect" friends, strangers and other cyberspace dwellers to consistently read my inane babble than I need to provide a more consistent stream of said babble.

Lesson learned.

Big ups for the reality check, brother. Never be afraid to keep 'em coming.

Quick Thinking: Take My Life...Please

Lately I've heard a lot of friends talk about how they're afraid of identity theft.

And, while I can sympathize when it comes to fear, I find it impossible to share their anxiety for this particular fear because, well, I couldn't give my fucking identity away.

Even if I tried.

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-- Big ups to the boys at Bar Stool Sports for another solid addition to their t-shirt arsenal.



-- The "inches" marker on the back is genius.

-- "Selling" and "giving away" are not the same thing.

-- Unless, of course, you're at the strip club.

-- HAYY-OOOOO!

-- The NFL should be applauded for their recent focus on protecting players from illegal hits.

-- But don't be fooled, dear readers, the NFL's new vigilant safety campaign is the beginning of a slippery slope pushing for one thing and one thing only: an 18-game regular season.

-- Looks like we finally have ourselves a Bilbo Baggins for Peter Jackson's highly anticipated prequel The Hobbit. Undercover geeks everywhere rejoice!

-- Hope Peter taps into Leonard Nimoy's Middle Earth musical prowess for the soundtrack.

-- See, readers. I told you I wasn't joking about being a closet dork.

-- Here's a link from the top shelf to convince any remaining naysayers.

-- I'M OLD GREGG!!!

-- It pains me to write, but, Showtime's Dexter has officially jumped the shark.

-- In hopes of climbing to 5-2 and not falling to 4-3, I'm throwing the Cement Shoes on Big Ben and the Steelers (-3) in Miami this weekend.

-- Let's hope Mr. Roethlisberger treats me better than he does undergraduate lushes in college bar bathrooms.

Quick Thinking: 4-1

We come out of the Patriots' bye week up $550.00 with a record of 4-1 thanks to all those Cement Shoes I've been handing out.

But now Week 6 is upon us, dear readers, and the home team is tasked with trying to keep the number in their loss column to 1.

So am I.

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-- Quote of the Week is awarded to Creepy Work Guy for telling a small group of us, "Violence isn't a big part of my life anymore, but I did rumble a lot when I was younger."

-- I wonder if Dallas, Sodapop or Pony Boy were part of his crew.



-- Counter Intuitive Advice of the Week tells us that sometimes getting people to hate you is the best life decision you can make for yourself.

-- And for them.

-- Why the fuck do I keep receiving AARP membership cards in the mail?

-- "Justin Timberlake played me in a movie" must be the greatest pickup line Sean Parker has in his repertoire.

-- The millions of dollars from owning 7% of Facebook probably don't hurt, either.

-- Dallas visiting Minnesota, plus a point-and-a-half-a-pimple, will be wearing the Cement Shoes this weekend. I hate having to depend on Playboy Tony, but I'll take him over Brett's old ass any day.

-- Congratulations to Joan Rivers for following in the footsteps of Betty White as Snickers' ad agency's newest reclamation project.

-- Oh, wait. That's not Joan Rivers?



-- Really?

-- My bad.

-- Ben & Jerry's new flavor Milk & Cookies is their greatest ice cream innovation to date

-- Brett should take a cue from Chad OchoCinco and change his last name to PickSix.

-- And he needs to stop taking relationship advice from Greg Oden.

-- ZING!

-- There's no truth to the rumor that hockey season recently began.

-- Oh, wait, that's not a rumor?

-- Shit, I'm off my game today.

-- My bad...again.

-- I'm tired of people getting angry with me by remembering things I've never even said.

-- Or, at least, I don't THINK I said those things.

-- But don't hold me to that.

Quick Thinking: Inspirational Mindo

I supposed a quick explanation is in order for those of you who haven't heard the word "mindo" before.

There's actually not much to explain.

Mindo, pronounced "min-doe," is a simple word that can be used as a verb, noun or adjective. End of story. Inject the word into your vocabulary, dear readers, and try it on for size.

After a little use I'm sure you'll agree the word is, in fact, mindo.

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-- The ESPN Monday Night Football hype machine personifies excess.

-- Unless, of course, your team is taking the field on that particular Monday Night.

-- Then it's inspiring.

-- On the bright side, the Red Sox not making the playoffs will help me cope when the Patriots miss the tournament later this year.

-- We're an 8-8 team, Patriot Nation.

-- Embattled quarterback Michael Vick finally came full circle to regain a starting position on an NFL roster.

-- He quickly lost it after sustaining a rib injury diving for the goal line yesterday.

-- Karma: 1. Michael Vick: 0.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Adam Richman's popular show Man vs. Food will be renamed Man vs. Coronary Disease next season.

-- I got dibs on his host spot when he eventually drops.

-- Quote of the Week goes to Big Slick for his enlightened observation as we started day-drinking following an aggressive night of debauchery, "I don't know if this is possible, but I think I'm hung over AND drunk."

-- There's no truth to the rumor that The Town's climatic shoot out at Fenway Park was loosely based on Theo Epstein and Larry Lucchino's troubled negotiations following the disappointing 2005 season.

-- Cement Shoe Pick of the Week is Pats/Miami Over @ 47.5. Brady needs to throw 3 TDs just to keep the game competitive.

-- His hair will have to throw a few as well to give us a chance at a win.

-- Memo from my blog's Department of Redundancy Department: Mos Def's Umi Says transcends all musical tastes, generations, genres and,when you listen to every word, it inspires.

-- Be inspired.