Quick Thinking: Speaking Impaired

I wish life came with a closed-captioned button. Not so much to understand every language. (Which, by the way, would be awesome!) But more so that people could understand me.

My tendency to speak quickly leaves some people confused by both what words I've spoken and, more importantly, what I meant by said words. I've made efforts to slow my speech in the past to no avail. The speed of my thoughts -- the sole influence -- is difficult to impede.

Does anyone know a good mental construction company that specializes in speed bumps?

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Quick Thinking
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-- It's time for Bill Belichick to be forced into early retirement.

-- That's right, I said it.

-- Life Lesson of the Week was learnt by yours truly while fighting a brutal stomach bug last week: "sharting" is, in fact, the ass' version of premature ejaculation.

-- Same fail. Different hole.

-- And not nearly as easy to clean up.

-- Terry Francona will lose a lot of sleep shuffling his line up this season.

-- Speaking of Tito, am I the only one who thinks he resembled Shia LaBeouf during his playing days?



-- Ben Roethlisberger's behavior is part of an alarming trend highlighting the worst qualities of today's entitled athlete.

-- "No" means no, Ben.

-- None of us can be 100% sure a crime took place in that bathroom but the resignation of Sgt. Jerry Blash, the officer who took the first report from Roethlisberger's recent accuser, one day before the Georgia Bureau of Investigation released official case documents is the proverbial smoke.

-- And where there's smoke...

-- Where's Super Mr. Superhero when you need him?

-- Equally alarming is the intelligence level, or lack thereof, of every Ben loving bumpkin who can't take their "fan" hat off when faced with his history of abusive behavior towards women.

-- I'm beginning to realize that my comfort level with being alone is more unique than I originally thought.

-- And it's ever increasing.

-- I wish The Most Interesting Man in the World was my life coach.

-- You know times are changing when digital heartbreak has become the norm.

-- Or when youth sports teams are given "recognition awards" instead of trophies.

-- Coddling the psyche of children playing sports by making everyone a "winner" is far too short sighted, y'all.

-- Just when you thought Reese's Peanut Butter Cups monopolized the greatest marriage of two flavors the Food Kingdom has ever seen, along comes Baconnaise!

-- Your heard me. Baconnaise.

-- I'm not joking.

Quick Thinking: Allure Got My Tongue

My train of thought was almost permanently derailed after seeing my top celebrity crush, Emmanuelle Chriqui, in Allure magazine's annual "nude" issue today. Lucky for me, I escaped serious bodily injury.



My ability to string together any insightful or meaningful sentences this week, however, was not so fortunate.

The Rebirth of Quick

Evolution is vital for survival, dear readers. Even the written lunacy of sports + thoughts, which at first glance may seem inanimate and incapable of change, must evolve to continue and thrive in its literary environment.

Nothing exists in a vacuum.

So we're starting today's column with a small programming note in an attempt to embrace the idea that evolution is, in fact, innate -- regardless of the medium in which something exists.

Programming Note: "The Morning After" tltle will be replaced.

At the advice of my trusted council, some may even call it a fellowship, I've decided to scrap the "Morning After" title in favor of simply calling my weekly column "Quick Thinking." The Morning After moniker isn't dead and will still appear from time-to-time in a different context.

In all honesty, the "Q.T." style has always been my vision, my goal...my baby.

And no one pushes baby out of the headline.

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Quick Thinking
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-- I don't know who the man behind the man behind the man is, but I don't like him.

-- I'll take Roseanne Barr singing The Star-Spangled Banner over Steven Tyler singing God Bless America any day of the week.

-- You might want to step into the 21st Century and look into Auto Tune, Mr. Tyler.

-- Oh, and speaking of what century we're in: It's 2010 AD, Steven. Not 210 BC. Giving your daughter a tongue kiss on national TV is frowned upon.

-- And really creepy.

-- Unless, of course, you're Woody Allen.

-- I am the antithesis of each individual showcased on TLC's Hoarding: Buried Alive.

-- Hearing Rem Dawg doing color commentary full-time for the Red Sox again comforts me like a warm blanket.

-- Seeing Heidi Watney between innings, on the other hand, makes that same warm blanket a little bit wet.

-- HAY-OOOOOOOOO!

-- The landscape of modern day hip-hop as we know it would not be the same without the influential brilliance of Gil Scott-Heron.

-- Idiot Award of the Week goes to two unknown fools for commenting on some young lady's Facebook post about the weather with weak come-ons:



-- Guess "Nice shoes, wanna screw?" doesn't work like it used to.

-- C'mon, guys. Do better.

-- Having the bank to sign Hall of Famer Peter Gammons should give you an idea of how much revenue NESN generates for the Red Sox.

-- Everyone likes the taste of a cash cow, y'all.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that FEMA will hand out Zoo Towels to help boost state morale during the aftermath of Rhode Island's Great Flood of 2010.

-- I hope I get the monkey one.

-- Celebrity Look A Like of the Week goes to Donovan McNabb for looking like Sergeant Mertaugh from those Lethal Weapon movies during his introductory press conference for the Redskins.


-- Beats having Riggs' mullet, Mr. McNabb.

-- Also known as "My Haircut" circa 1989.

-- Curse you, Ultra Super Hold AquaNet.

-- Curse you.

The Morning After: Don't Pull My Finger

After much deliberation I've decided when I'm blessed with children I will never creep them out by having them "pull my finger" before I play the personal ass horn.

Which I happen to be very proficient at.

Nor will I tell them a "mouse with a trumpet ran by" following one of my concertos in flatulent minor. Instead, I'm going to create a mythical creature to assist them in understanding sounds of the body much like Sesame Street has done to promote literacy. And I'm pretty sure I'll name this creature Gastro the Ass Monster.

In the same way Wally personifies the iconic outfield wall at Fenway Park, Gastro will help my children personify the "toots" that are released from their "bums" with a cute & fuzzy smiling monster.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

I picture Gastro as a taller, skinnier version of Elmo. I'm thinking it'll be brown, too. But not like a "shit brown." More like a soft raw sienna. Gastro will have one eye, no nose and no mouth. What he will have, however, is a blow hole where his belly button would be along with really short limbs. It'll also be wearing a jetpack. Gastro the Ass Monster is built for speed! Oh, and it'll be wearing a helmet.

Safety first, right?

[SIDE NOTE: END]

So my plan is to provide my offspring with insight into their bodily functions by introducing them to Gastro the Ass Monster.

Seems full proof to me.

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Quick Thinking
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-- I would be praying for Donovan McNabb to don the silver and black next year if I were a Raiders fan.

-- Too bad there's a trickle-down idiocy epidemic in Raider Nation.

-- Ricky Martin announced this week that he's "proud to be a fortunate homosexual man."

-- [Insert joke here]

-- I respect his integrity, though. I mean, it's not like he's trying to sell a book, steal headlines or jump start a fizzling career.

-- April Fools' Day jokes are never as funny as you think they'll be.

-- The "Tim Tebow Watch" is exhausting.

-- In Case You Missed It Memo of the Week: Tiger Woods is playing in the Masters which starts on Thursday, April 8th.

-- I like venison just as much as the next guy, but when is Evolution going to do Its job and rewire deer so they can jump out of the way of those headlights?

-- I hope the zeal most men display in their effort to be "first" when commenting on a web post doesn't matriculate into their bedroom practices.

-- Ski Beatz' Taxi, featuring Mos Def & Whosane, is as good as it gets.

-- The biblical undercurrents surrounding Opening Day are undeniable.

-- Doug Gottlieb is the Guy Smiley of NCAA Basketball.



-- Beating A Dead Horse Award of the Week goes to anyone involved in the production of Hangover 2.

-- Or should it be the "Resurrection of a One Trick Pony Award of the Week?"

-- Hangover 2 starts filming in October, by the way.

-- Is it creepy if I watch Erin Andrews on Dancing With the Stars through a peep hole?

-- Quote of the Week comes from nephew Tyge after he watched a young woman walk past us recently in Providence prompting him to observe, "See that Uncle Terry? She had the Brazilian bumps, baby. The Brazilian bumps."

-- Quote of the Week II comes from yours truly in an attempt to strategically respond to my nephew, "Why? Did she have acne?"

-- Playing dumb is the only recourse I have when faced with the stark reality of my nephew's over active libido.

-- I should probably tell him about Gastro the Ass Monster.

-- Lucy Pinder, pictured below, has been crowned "Queen of Boobs" by the British magazine Nuts.



-- I'd love to be her King.



-- Or, at the very least, her Court "Chester."

-- RIM SHOT!

The Morning After: Aliens, Tiger & Brackets...Oh My!

Predictability has become, well, predictable. It's even evolved into the "obvious" realm in most cases. And, while "I told you so" is one of my favorite phrases, I don't feel that sentiment can be expressed following the announcement that Tiger will play in the Masters. I think "tell me something I didn't know" or "no shit" feels more appropriate.

"Duh" sounds pretty good, too.

On March 3rd I wrote: Tiger Woods will play the Masters because rebuilding his image starts and ends with winning his first post-scandal major.

Duh, right? Right.

But what Tiger's return declaration lacked in surprise it made up for with consternation. The announcement not only provides additional evidence his February "apology" was staged, it also proves the same ego responsible for Tiger's current predicament is alive and well -- thriving, in fact -- giving us further proof that once an entitled athlete, always an entitled athlete.

Yes, Tigger's return was predictable but, and this is what worries me, the news affirms money, ego & ratings trump morality in this recession, fear-filled world we all live in. That, dear readers, is a scary proposition.

Don't say I didn't tell you so.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The news of Jesse James cheating on his very famous wife, Sandra Bullock...

(wait for it...wait for it...)

-- ...Blindsided me.

-- Wakka, wakka, wakka.

-- Blame the Wizard Alien, Jesse.

-- Being subtle seems to be a lost art form.

-- The madness has begun and casual fans everywhere declare, "Shit. I was gonna pick them." as their brackets fall apart.

-- Painful Reality Check of the Week goes to all the folks labeled "great kissers" as a result of participating in one of those popular relationship surveys on Facebook: You're not all great kissers. Sorry.

-- But I hear saying you are is a sure fire way to pick up women in D.C.

-- Right, Erik?

-- According to Facebook I, on the other hand, have a 96% chance to survive the impending Zombie Apocalypse. So I have that going for me.

-- Which is nice.

-- Nostalgic Movie Quote of the Week goes to Johnny Utah when he provides a much needed "wake up call" to Bohdi by saying, "I am an Efff Beee Eyeeeee Agent!"

-- And who says Keanu can't act?

-- Quote of the Week come from Big Nick while we listened to WEEI callers debate their feelings about whether or not they could root for Tiger at the Masters because he cheated on his wife, "If I didn't root for people who cheated on their significant others, I wouldn't have any friends left."

-- Your moral compass keeps us all on the straight and narrow, brother. No joke.

-- But that Wizard Alien is persuasive.

-- Internal Debate of the Week: "Are outdoor activities, like hunting or fishing, more of a 'sport' than cheerleading?"

-- Let's see:

Exhibit A: Redneck Rick sits camouflaged in a tree and pulls a trigger to kill Bambi. That's not a sport, that's Duck Hunt.

Exhibit B: Cheerleadering "fliers" are thrown 30 feet in the air and risk broken bones, paralysis and, in some instances, death following a failed "stunt."

Exhibit C: I have fond memories learning about the intricacies of "lollipop pants" while being bused to & from my basketball games in high school. (Those trips did wonders for team morale.)

-- Internal Debate Answer of the Week: Cheerleading is, in fact, more of a "sport" than hunting or fishing.

-- Goooooooo TEAM!

****SPIRIT FINGERS****

The Morning After: Spring Ahead

Spring is in the air, dear readers.

Enjoy accordingly.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Nomar's retirement as an injury prone journeyman does zero justice to the nine wicked good Hall of Fame caliber years he had in a Red Sox uniform.

-- Good luck at ESPN, Nomah. Thanks for the memories.

-- I understand the privilege and entitlement that must accompany being a premiere quarterback for the Steelers, Big Ben, but take that bulls-eye off your back and keep your libido at bay.

-- I've written a little song to save you when your bodyguards fail to keep you out of compromising situations when you're partying:

"Step 1: Keep your junk in your pants.
Step 2: Check that your junk's in your pants.
Step 3: Make sure your junk's in your pants.
And that's the way you do it, It's your junk in your pants!"

-- It'll be your wallet's favorite song.

-- Trust me.

-- NOOOOOMMAAAHH!

-- Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, a rare neurological condition, causes those who suffer from it to see their every day environments -- including objects and individuals -- askew.

-- So THAT'S what's wrong with me.

-- Homework Assignment of the Week goes to Ron Artest and his tragic hair experiment accomplice Boogie the Barber: See Rodman, Dennis. (1986-2000) Poor Decisions for Dummies...and NBA Players. Detroit, San Antonio, Chicago: Publisher's Press.



-- Turning the clocks ahead this weekend is just another in a long list of signs that Spring is right around the corner.

-- So is Opening Day.

-- Resigning Nomar so he could retire in a Red Sox uniform is the best shortstop acquisition the Sox have made since, um, signing Nomar.

-- Memo of the Week goes to every upstart talent in the NBA who might play the Lakers in the playoffs: Let sleeping dogs lie, fellas. Don't challenge Kobe.

-- Unless you're in Denver.

-- Run To Home Base Update of the Week: We're off to a great start with $95.00 in donations!

-- Congratulations to The Hurt Locker for winning Best Picture at this year's Academy Awards.

-- Or, as I like to call it, The Redneck's Rocky.

-- I know he's an elite businessman and must be very intelligent but every time I hear Robert Kraft speak he sounds drunk.

-- I hope he, unlike Broadway Joe, cares about his team
stru--gg--ling.

-- NOOOOMMMMMMAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

The Morning After: Run To Home Base

I'm running in the "Run To Home Base 9K" this May, faithful followers. The race is a 5.6 mile run through Boston finishing at home plate in Fenway Park. Pretty cool, right?

But there's a catch.

Each registrant is required to raise $1000 before May 1st to donate to Massachusetts General's Home Base Program. A program, by the way, that has personal significance and is committed to serving the needs of veterans with combat stress disorders and/or traumatic brain injury.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

My father served and saw combat in Vietnam. While his symptoms are less severe than some, he still receives weekly treatment at the Veteran's Hospital for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Trusting you with that information means I'm trusting you readers more than most of the people I've ever met. But, then again, I have more fingers than I do readers so I'm confident my secrets are safe with all of you!

And, while I have stories from my childhood that make sense now that I'm armed with the knowledge of how PTSD can affect individuals, I'd rather not discuss them over this digital medium. Plus, those are my dad's stories; he should be the one that tells them.

Some say he's even a better story teller than I am.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

This is the first time I've used this forum to ask for your help, dear readers. And, to be honest, I don't feel very comfortable doing it. Asking for help has never been my strong suit. But, I guess even I need to take a break at times from all the jokes and sarcasm no matter how brief that break may be.

If you'd like to help CLICK HERE.
Or you can copy and paste the following link into your browser:
www.runtohomebase.org/runtohomebase/TerrenceJoyce

Remember: No donation is too small. Unless, of course, you're trying to donate a nickel.

Please donate more than a nickel.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Tiger Woods will play the Masters because rebuilding his image starts and ends with winning his first post-scandal major.

-- Plus, sex addict or not, Tigger is still an egomaniac who's sole focus is to pass Jack Nicklaus for most career major wins.

-- I'm starting to think that idle hands focus less on the devil's work and more on self love.

-- I'm Old and I Don't Give A Fuck Award of the Week goes to Tommy Heinsohn for managing to steal a kiss from Maria Menounos during the Nets/Celtics game last Saturday night.



-- Tommy Points galore!

-- This artist's work is further proof that being cheesy, indeed, isn't easy.

-- The Buffalo Bills not offering Terrel Owens a contract extension after a mediocre year of service is further proof that the wheels are officially coming off the "T.O." marketing machine.

-- Celebrate accordingly.

-- I think Walken's remix of Lady Gaga's Poker Face is better than Kid Cudi's.

-- Bucket List Entry of the Week is the Frozen Dead Guy Days festival, which occurs every year on the first weekend of March in Nederland, CO.

-- Every time I watch this preview for the new HBO Sports Documentary Magic & Bird: A Courtship of Rivals, premiering March 6th at 8pm, I get goose bumps on my goose bumps.

-- I'll never tire of books or documentaries that provide insight into the greatest rivalry sports has ever seen.

-- Quote of the Week comes from Ice-T in the final moments of Chris Rock's documentary Good Hair where he says, "I think a woman can to anything she wants to her body because if she ain't happy with herself, she gonna bring pain to everyone else around her."

-- Can I get an "AMEN!?"

-- I'm not sure what's worse: The Bachelor's Jake choosing Vienna or people choosing to actually watch the show which has spawned 14 seasons.

-- Idiot Award of the Week goes to Strange Gym Guy who grabbed a weighted stretch bar in the ab area, spun it around his back, above his head and then threw it to the ground.

-- I appreciate your ninja bow skills, Strange Gym Guy, but we're at Planet Fitness in Cumberland not a Kumamoto battlefield.

-- WAAAHHHH-TAAAHHHHH!!

-- And, while Planet Fitness may be the "judgment free zone," I'm going to continue to pass judgment on your idiocy.