I wish life came with a closed-captioned button. Not so much to understand every language. (Which, by the way, would be awesome!) But more so that people could understand me.
My tendency to speak quickly leaves some people confused by both what words I've spoken and, more importantly, what I meant by said words. I've made efforts to slow my speech in the past to no avail. The speed of my thoughts -- the sole influence -- is difficult to impede.
Does anyone know a good mental construction company that specializes in speed bumps?
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Quick Thinking
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-- It's time for Bill Belichick to be forced into early retirement.
-- That's right, I said it.
-- Life Lesson of the Week was learnt by yours truly while fighting a brutal stomach bug last week: "sharting" is, in fact, the ass' version of premature ejaculation.
-- Same fail. Different hole.
-- And not nearly as easy to clean up.
-- Terry Francona will lose a lot of sleep shuffling his line up this season.
-- Speaking of Tito, am I the only one who thinks he resembled Shia LaBeouf during his playing days?
-- Ben Roethlisberger's behavior is part of an alarming trend highlighting the worst qualities of today's entitled athlete.
-- "No" means no, Ben.
-- None of us can be 100% sure a crime took place in that bathroom but the resignation of Sgt. Jerry Blash, the officer who took the first report from Roethlisberger's recent accuser, one day before the Georgia Bureau of Investigation released official case documents is the proverbial smoke.
-- And where there's smoke...
-- Where's Super Mr. Superhero when you need him?
-- Equally alarming is the intelligence level, or lack thereof, of every Ben loving bumpkin who can't take their "fan" hat off when faced with his history of abusive behavior towards women.
-- I'm beginning to realize that my comfort level with being alone is more unique than I originally thought.
-- And it's ever increasing.
-- I wish The Most Interesting Man in the World was my life coach.
-- You know times are changing when digital heartbreak has become the norm.
-- Or when youth sports teams are given "recognition awards" instead of trophies.
-- Coddling the psyche of children playing sports by making everyone a "winner" is far too short sighted, y'all.
-- Just when you thought Reese's Peanut Butter Cups monopolized the greatest marriage of two flavors the Food Kingdom has ever seen, along comes Baconnaise!
-- Your heard me. Baconnaise.
-- I'm not joking.
3 comments:
Perhaps Ben needs pointers coming from the self-admitted expert at breaking down "woman" emotionally. If only he had some witty one-liners! Instead of crying rape, she would be wondering why he didn't call her the next day... Those same "stupid" people wonder how one can disclose such a disgust for the female gender, yet run to the aid of one drunk sorority girl (does being 20 years old still constitute being an adolescent?) who falls victim to an overly-aggressive NFL quarterback. Let's take the term "quarterback" out of the scenario... Obviously nobody else in the National Football League has EVER made a pass at ANY female, wanted or unwanted... shame on you, Mr. Roethlisberger! Shame on you.
Relative to the idea of CC'ing what you say, I will admit that while it's not entirely necessary, I believe that ultimately people would be more willing to understand what you're trying to say if you're more willing to accept some modicum of accountability for what you're saying. While it's drastically easier to adopt the "If you don't like what I have to say, fuck you" attitude, sometimes having a bit of tact goes a long way.
Dear E-Boog,
Your enviable insight can only be attributed to an ivy league caliber education alongside years of success with the opposite sex.
If Ben was blessed with the same intelligence and wit -- the kind that makes all the ladies swoon -- maybe his current predicament could have been avoided all together.
I hope your girlfriend realizes how lucky she is.
Keep up the good work.
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