The Morning After: Don't Pull My Finger

After much deliberation I've decided when I'm blessed with children I will never creep them out by having them "pull my finger" before I play the personal ass horn.

Which I happen to be very proficient at.

Nor will I tell them a "mouse with a trumpet ran by" following one of my concertos in flatulent minor. Instead, I'm going to create a mythical creature to assist them in understanding sounds of the body much like Sesame Street has done to promote literacy. And I'm pretty sure I'll name this creature Gastro the Ass Monster.

In the same way Wally personifies the iconic outfield wall at Fenway Park, Gastro will help my children personify the "toots" that are released from their "bums" with a cute & fuzzy smiling monster.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

I picture Gastro as a taller, skinnier version of Elmo. I'm thinking it'll be brown, too. But not like a "shit brown." More like a soft raw sienna. Gastro will have one eye, no nose and no mouth. What he will have, however, is a blow hole where his belly button would be along with really short limbs. It'll also be wearing a jetpack. Gastro the Ass Monster is built for speed! Oh, and it'll be wearing a helmet.

Safety first, right?

[SIDE NOTE: END]

So my plan is to provide my offspring with insight into their bodily functions by introducing them to Gastro the Ass Monster.

Seems full proof to me.

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Quick Thinking
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-- I would be praying for Donovan McNabb to don the silver and black next year if I were a Raiders fan.

-- Too bad there's a trickle-down idiocy epidemic in Raider Nation.

-- Ricky Martin announced this week that he's "proud to be a fortunate homosexual man."

-- [Insert joke here]

-- I respect his integrity, though. I mean, it's not like he's trying to sell a book, steal headlines or jump start a fizzling career.

-- April Fools' Day jokes are never as funny as you think they'll be.

-- The "Tim Tebow Watch" is exhausting.

-- In Case You Missed It Memo of the Week: Tiger Woods is playing in the Masters which starts on Thursday, April 8th.

-- I like venison just as much as the next guy, but when is Evolution going to do Its job and rewire deer so they can jump out of the way of those headlights?

-- I hope the zeal most men display in their effort to be "first" when commenting on a web post doesn't matriculate into their bedroom practices.

-- Ski Beatz' Taxi, featuring Mos Def & Whosane, is as good as it gets.

-- The biblical undercurrents surrounding Opening Day are undeniable.

-- Doug Gottlieb is the Guy Smiley of NCAA Basketball.



-- Beating A Dead Horse Award of the Week goes to anyone involved in the production of Hangover 2.

-- Or should it be the "Resurrection of a One Trick Pony Award of the Week?"

-- Hangover 2 starts filming in October, by the way.

-- Is it creepy if I watch Erin Andrews on Dancing With the Stars through a peep hole?

-- Quote of the Week comes from nephew Tyge after he watched a young woman walk past us recently in Providence prompting him to observe, "See that Uncle Terry? She had the Brazilian bumps, baby. The Brazilian bumps."

-- Quote of the Week II comes from yours truly in an attempt to strategically respond to my nephew, "Why? Did she have acne?"

-- Playing dumb is the only recourse I have when faced with the stark reality of my nephew's over active libido.

-- I should probably tell him about Gastro the Ass Monster.

-- Lucy Pinder, pictured below, has been crowned "Queen of Boobs" by the British magazine Nuts.



-- I'd love to be her King.



-- Or, at the very least, her Court "Chester."

-- RIM SHOT!