The Morning After: Week 3

It's the sport of kings, better than diamond rings...

I'm tired of teams being confused by the new formation, popularized by the 2008 Miami Dolphins, NFL teams are using as part of their offensive scheme this season. In my mind there's a simply way to end this trend: one hard hit.

Wildcat Formation + One Hard Hit = No More Wildcat.

Maybe I'm simplifying too much. Am I? The formation can't be that difficult to defend, can it?

When you see a quarterback lined up as a wide receiver, in what is known around the league as the "Wildcat" formation, he's not the "precious" anymore. Don't believe me? Go ask Gollum.

And, after you're done chatting with that fictional jewelry freak, ask yourself this question: What happens to all those rules the NFL has issued protecting the quarterback when he's lined up as a wide receiver?

Got the answer yet?

All those rules become null and void. He's not a quarterback anymore. He's a wide receiver. So the only rules that govern said quarterback in the "Wildcat" formation are the same ones that govern every wide receiver on each down. And one of those rules says a wide receiver can be "chucked" up to 5 yards past the line of scrimmage.

So, with that said, let's offer some advice too all those Defensive Coordinators out there: take advantage of it! Send your safety full speed and tell him to embed his helmet in the quarterback's chest as the ball is snapped. Sure, you might get a 15 yard penalty, but you won't get another "Wildcat" formation.

Ever.

But if a hard hit is too violent a solution for your delicate sensibilities, don't fret, I have a suggestion for you too!

Instead of giving your safety the "right-to-kill" maybe you could install a "Wildcat" specific defense. And maybe it would be similar to a traditional "Cover 2" defense. And maybe instead of playing zone and reacting your defense gets aggressive and tries to scratch out the eyes of the offensive players.

Either way.

Rawr.

-------------------
Quick Thinking
-------------------

-- Big surprise that Woody Allen, a man who married his "stepdaughter," is leading the charge to get Roman Polanski released from jail despite his guilty plea on a statutory rape charge for molesting a 13-year-old girl in 1977.

-- I guess the heart wants what it wants, right Woody?



-- I'm tired of sportscasters tripping over themselves to tell me how great Brett Favre is.

-- The Red Sox celebrating their wildcard birth following a loss feels a lot like a man bragging about hooking up with a hot chick while she was black out drunk.

-- In my defense, though, she didn't seem that drunk.

-- Memo to all the expecting mom's out there: It's never ok to name your son "Blaine."

-- Never.

-- Despite the win over Atlanta, the Patriots still feel like a .500 team to me.

-- Early Christmas Wish of the Week: I would love to see the HBO Series Hard Knocks follow the New England Patriots through training camp next year.

-- Santa, if you're listening, there's some special treats from Connie's Kitchen in it for you.

-- And not the kind you get under the mistletoe, you dirty old man.

-- The Cincinnati Bengals are better than you think.

-- Bullet by Rhymefest featuring Citizen Cope is a jam from 2006 that needs the dust blown off it.

-- Greg Lewis made the catch of a lifetime against the 49ers.

-- The old Tom Brady used to let his performance do the talking.

-- The new Tom Brady yells at his teammates and looks to the refs for missed calls.

-- I miss the old Tom Brady.

-- The $25 million suit filed by David Givens against the Tennessee Titans could be a case that simply highlights the risks of being a professional football player or it may provide further proof that an NFL organization will do anything to win, including withholding medical information from its players.

-- My guess is it's 50-50.

-- The Red Sox are in the playoffs for the sixth time in seven seasons. Try and enjoy the accomplishment, Sox Nation, instead of stressing about our losing streak.

-- Seattle's color man Mike Blowers' accurate AM radio prediction that Seattle rookie Matt Tuiasosopo would hit his first major league home run during his second at bat on a 3-1 fastball into left center field in Toronto is the most incredible prognostication ever made.

-- EVER.

-- And it's not even close.

-- It also provides further proof that God is a sports fan.

-- Quote of the Week comes from my boy Jake in reaction to the MMS functionality from AT&T going live for the iPhone: "Hooray for MMS messaging. Now I can send you pictures of my johnson."

-- I've changed my phone number for lesser threats.

-- Tim Tebow reminds me a lot of Rex Grossman and Brady Quinn. None of which can play quarterback in the NFL.

-- September's Stupidest Thing Said Award goes to Whoopi Goldberg who quipped the following when asked about Roman Polanski's arrest: "I know it wasn't 'rape-rape.' I think it was something else, but I don't believe it was 'rape-rape.'"

-- Well said, Whoopi.

-- But I have one question for you: Do you "like" Roman Polanski? Or do you "like-like" him?

Once is an accident, twice is a trend...

by Old Man Lemon

I'm a firm believer in the old adage "Don't talk about it, be about it." With that in mind, instead of a series of apologies and promises following my Week 2 absense, dear readers, I'll simple ask that you grant me a stay of judgement and trust there will not be a repeat of that careless nature the rest of the season.

Thanks.

Now that we're friends again let's start today with a quick recap of Week 1 and immediately dive into this weekend's matchups.

The silver lining in Week 1, of course, was the New England Patriots sqeaked by with a 25-24 victory. In reality, our hometown Pats had no business even winning that game. But we don't live in reality. We live in the land of "spreads" & "covers." And, having not covered our teased spread of -2, we dug ourselves a bit of a hole and came up two extra points short of hitting pay dirt. So, instead of winning $1100 for our Greek Island vacation, we're down $100. Captain Math tells us that's a $1200 swing, dear readers.

But that's why they call it betting.

3 Game Tease of the Week:

(REMINDER: In a 3-game tease the bettor is allowed to manipulate the spread or over/under 9 points in each game.)

1) San Francisco 49ers (+7) vs. Minnesota Vikings

The San Francisco 49ers have not started a season 3-0 since 1998. They are visiting a 2-0 Minnesota Vikings team who had to overcome halftime deficits against weak opponents like the Browns and the Lions. Past history doesn't really come into play for this game. The 49ers are a different team under new head coach Mike Singletary while the Vikings are just enjoying the buzz created by the "un-un-retirement" of attention whore Brett Favre. This game features 2 of the top 3 running backs in yards-per-game this season with Peterson (1st) and Gore (3rd). It also features the league's 4th (Vikings) and 7th (49ers) ranked defenses. I'm thinking San Francisco (+16) has enough of a defense and a running game to control the clock, keep it close and, maybe, steal a win on the road.

2) New Orleans Saints (-6) vs. Buffalo Bills

The next stop for the Drew Brees Offensive Juggernaut is Buffalo. The Bills have the league's 28th ranked defense, giving up nearly 400 yards per game, while the Saints' league leading offensive is racking up 470 yards per game. In addition, there are rumors that Brees and his coach are gunning for Tom Brady's regular season touchdown record of 50 set during the Patriots undefeated season in 2007. I'm thinking Brees adds 5 more TDs to his total in Buffalo this weekend as the Saints (+3) roll.

3) Carolina Pathers vs. Dallas Cowboys (46 0/U)

After laying an egg on Sunday night last weekend, the 'Boys and Regular Season Romo(TM) welcome the 0-2 Carolina Panthers to JerryWorld. (To combat insecurity, some men buy expensive cars. Others build billion stadiums.) Despite Romo's efforts (13-29, 127 yards. 1 TD-3 INT. 29.6 rating) America's Team still had a chance to defeat the Giants, who are considered an elite team in the NFL. I like R.S.R and the Cowboys (over 37) to bounce back and put up some points proving the old adage that "they do things bigger in Texas."

I hope all three games do things "bigger" than our Week 1 tease did for a total play of $480.

CEMENT Pick of the Week:

You may be thinking it's hyperbole to give a game the "must win" label this early in the season. But trust me, dear readers, it's not. As I always say, "Numbers don't lie. People do." Since the NFL expanded its playoff field to 12 teams in 1990 only 3 have gone on to actually make the tournament after starting the season 0-3: the '92 Chargers, the '95 Lions and the '98 Bills.

The Tennessee Titans are too strong on both sides of the ball to become the forth team in 11 years to challenge NFL's historically unkind treatment of 0-3 teams. Plus, as Coach Boone taught me, in "Greek mythology the Titans were greater even than the gods and they ruled their universe with absolute power." So we're betting $1200 that, this weekend, the football field in New York is Tennessee's universe. And they're going to rule it like Titans (+3) and be CEMENT.

Remember dear readers: when life gives you lemons, drink the lemonade.

And when bookies give you lines, try to make it rain.

----------------------------
[ Season Record: 0-1-0 ]
[ Cement PotW: 1-0-0 ]
[ Bank: $ - 100.00 ]

The Debut

by Old Man Lemon

This column will provide guidance to those fans who make the occasional wager on NFL games throughout the season. It will also assume that those reading it are familiar with some basic gambling terms such as: "prop bet", "over/under", "money line", "straight bet" and "teasing" among others.

Oh, wait, you don't bet on football? That's ok.

Neither do I.

No topic is off limits for Old Man Lemon, dear readers. Well, save one: please don't ask how I got my nickname. It's a childhood scar that will never fully heal.

Ok, let's put the pleasantries behind us and get down to business.

We're starting this football season with 2 goals. First, we want the New England Patriots to make the playoffs. While yours truly is a Pats fan rest assured that my hope for their success will never interfere with my money risking prognostications. Second, we're looking to fund an all-expense paid trip to the Greek Islands for me and Mrs. Lemon...one that lasts three months.

3 Game Tease of the Week

(NOTE: In a 3-game tease the bettor is allowed to manipulate the spread 9 points in each game.)

1) Tennessee Titans (+6) vs. Pittsburgh Steelers

The Pittsburgh Steelers open the 2009 season as defending Super Bowl Champions playing host to the Tennessee Titans. The Steelers are 3-8 against the Titans since '99. Two of those victories came with a side of ketchup in the comforts of Heinz Field and all three saw the Steelers score 34 points in victory. I don't see their offense putting up that many points against a Titans team that held them to 14 points last year without the help of then injured, now traded, Albert Haynesworth. The last time the Steelers lost a season opener was in 2002. Well, I'm grabbing the Titans (+15) and betting the next time they lose a home opener is tonight.

2) Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots (-11)

Tom Brady hasn't seen any regular season action since the "dirty-helmet-to-knee-hit-heard-round-new-england" by Bernard Pollard in last season's opener. This year, the Patriots are playing host to the Buffalo Bills who set records in offensive futility during the preseason resulting in the firing of their Offensive Coordinator. In addition to being disgruntled with the offense, Buffalo's newly acquired wide receiver Terrell Owens called out Bill Belichick when making cracks to the media about "bringing his spy camera" instead of "popcorn" to the game on MNF. All the bravado aside, though, the Patriots are 16-2 against the Bills since '00. Lightning doesn't strike in two straight home openers so I'm betting the Patriots (-2) and Brady light up the Bills.

3) Oakland Raiders vs. San Diego Chargers (-9.5)

Do you really need any acumen concerning this match-up? It's the Raiders. C'mon, really? Ok, I'm taking the Chargers (-.5) even though they're playing in Oakland because they've won 11 straight against the Silver & Black.

We'll be wagering $600.00 on the above 3 games.

(Remember, a "tease" means all three games have to cover the "teased" spread to be a winner.)

CEMENT Pick of the Week:

We're spitting in the face of conventional wisdom that says "never bet on the home team" this week, trusted followers. I've always felt that if you're going to take a "risk" it should be with the team you undoubtedly know most intimately -- your "home" team. That said, we'll make our second wager on the Patriots for the CEMENT Pick of the Week.

Call it wishful thinking but with their weak defense (ranked 32nd in preseason play) the Patriots offense is going to have to score points at a record pace this season. The over/under line of 47.5 with the return of Tom Brady for their home opener is too low. I'm betting the Brady Bunch will get 7 touchdowns by themselves. Taking over 47.5 will be the easiest $500.00 I've ever made.

Remember dear readers: when life gives you lemons, drink the lemonade.

And when bookies give you lines, try to make it rain.

-------------------------
[ Season Record: 0-0-0 ]
[ Cement PotW: 0-0-0 ]
[ Bank: $ 0.00 ]

Quick Thinking: Two Weeks Notice

The recent retirement of Tedy Bruschi, one of the caretakers of Patriot Nation, marks the beginning of the end for the Dynastic Patriots that we've come to love over the past decade.

I think I just made that word up.

But despite the liberty I've just taken with the English Language it doesn't mean I'm being overdramatic. At some point all the pillars of our beloved team are going to begin to retire. Even the most notabe pillar, Tom Brady, will retire sooner rather than later.

Tom Brady has given us something New England Patriot fans have never had. Sure, the 3 Super Bowls and undefeated season were great. But I'm talking about something else. As Patriot fans we've never had a quarterback, the key position that determines success in the NFL, that was an automatic first ballot Hall of Famer.

Shit, forget about being in the Hall of Fame. Mr. Brady is considered one of the best of all time. How can we expect to replace the best player who plays the crucial position that measures success in the league and not expect to take a step back?

I'm not trying to overstate his importance for the sake of this article, dear readers. But Tom Brady is cut from the same cloth as the game's best: Montana, Elway, Aikman & Marino. And what was the biggest problem for those player's respective organizations after their Hall of Fame skills started to diminish?

Exactly.

Finding a replacement for a franchise quarterback is not an easy task. My worry is the Patriots don't have the luxury of past experience. They've never felt the growing pains associated with replacing a first ballot Hall of Fame quarterback.

In other words: the franchise lacks precedent. Even if Tom gets a new contract and we lock him down for a few more years the Patriots are still going to need a quarterback of the future and that future needs to start now.

Still not with me? Let's try a different tactic.

Can you name all the great Patriot quarterbacks? (That's a trick question.)

Of course you can't. Our franchise hasn't had any. Plunkett was decent. Grogan had heart. Bledsoe was better than average and helped resurrect the franchise under the tutelage of The Tuna. But none of them are in the same class as Tom Brady.

And it's not even close.

The chances of upgrading the position upon Brady's departure are non-existent. We're going to have to suffer through some failed experiments (much like we did during our 11-5 season with Matt Cassell at the helm.)

Still think I'm being overdramatic?

Let's look at Denver as an example that embodies my concern. Elway retired in 1999 following back-to-back Super Bowl victories. Since his retirement Denver has tried the likes of Griese, Plummer and Cutler to fill Elway's shoes. In total, Denver has started 5 different quarterbacks since Elway's departure with the same result: failure.

To exacerbate the situation, Denver traded their Pro Bowl quarterback this offseason and are STILL looking for a long-term solution 10 seasons later.

My point is simple: whilst Bruschi's retirement offers us a chance to be nostalgic and reflect on our past successes the bottom line is Teddy's announcement marks the beginning of the end for the great dynasty we've all come to love.

Bill's teary speech spoke volumes.

The New England Patriots have been so dominant over the past decade that we, as fans, EXPECT to win every game and those expectation will have to be curbed starting now. Think I'm wrong? Watch Bill's speech during Bruschi's retirement press conference again. We may all share those sentiments in the near future.

I'm not trying to take Patriot Nation to NegativeTown. I'm simply expressing my long-term concerns for our franchise.

But let's try and be more upbeat. Let's hope we get another one or two Super Bowls before the dismantling of our Patriots begins. Let's worry about worrying at a later date. Rest assured, though, the dismantling WILL happen. Actually, don't look now...but I think it's already begun.

So enjoy the ride while it lasts and be sure to fasten your seatbelts, Patriot Nation. Brady's knee injury last year and Bruschi's retirement this year isn't the light of a promising future at the end of the tunnel.

It's the reality of 5-10 years of mediocrity coming up on the horizon.

-------------------
Quick Thinking
-------------------

-- To celebrate the AFL's 50th Anniversary the New England Patriots, one of its original franchises, will open their 2009 season wearing throwback uniforms.

-- Call it nostalgia. Call it good fashion sense. But I think teams just look better wearing their throwbacks.

-- C'mon ladies, admit it: even you think Brady looks more dreamy sporting his throwback duds.

-- Fuck it. If you can't admit it, I will. He looks more dreamy sporting his throwback duds.

-- That's right, I said it.

-- Truth be told, though, I don't care if he wears his wife's underwear on the field so long as he stays healthy.

-- Hunch of the Week: I think this year's defending Super Bowl Champion Steelers are going be a lot like the defending Super Bowl Champion Steerlers of 2006.

-- For those who don't know: they finished that season 8-8.

-- Go easy, Steeler Nation. Look up the meaning of the word "hunch" before beating me with that piece of rebar in your hand.

-- MLB players that are "Designated for Assignment" might as well be told "Hey, go fuck yourself."

-- How poorly Matt Cassell performs this year will show how good of a team he had surrounding him last year.

-- I don't like country music, but I'm a big fan of the brunette in Justin Moore's Small Town USA video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_NOaiQLl6U

-- Please don't ask why I was watching CMT.

-- When you have nieces of your own that like country music you'll understand.

-- Memo to all the people out there who wish they were smarter: Intelligence isn't automatically knowing the answers. It's about putting forth the effort to find the answers.

-- Put forth the effort.

-- Quote of the Week comes from my nephew when I told him it would have to be his "best day" to gain the affection of his teenage crush: "Good thing today's my best day."

-- My brother and sister-in-law are in for a long haul when he starts high school.

-- Memo to all the buffoons who think managers have nothing to do with the success of their team: The Colorado Rockies were 18-28 with Clint Hurdle and 56-32 without him.

-- They also lead the NL Wildcard by 1 game.

-- You do the math.

-- Memo to all Pharmaceutical Companies: I know it's big business and all but can you please stop focusing on pills that make our dicks harder and start focusing on pills that actually cure something?

-- We need solutions. Not revenue generating pacifiers.

-- Memo to MLB: Make a decision to release or destroy the infamous "103" list during THIS off season so leaked names don't ruin the fan's enjoyment of watching games NEXT season.

-- My vote is to destroy the mothafucker.

-- Lots of memos this week. Good thing I'm stocked up on Post-it Notes!

-- Trimming their quarterback depth chart to two by releasing Andrew Walter should tell you all you need to know about the health of Tom Brady's shoulder going into to Week 1.

-- Or maybe Bill has his eye on another quarterback.

-- Is it me or did Papelbon really start throwing again after his job was "threatened" by the signing of Billy Wagner?

-- Quote of the Week II comes from a teammate on my Sunday morning basketball team when reacting to me posting up our opponents point guard and hitting a no look lay up off glass: "You should shoot not looking at the basket more often."

-- For the record it's a patented move from my, albeit small, repertoire.

-- I've said it before and I'll say it again: Put Me On by Bobby Ray, aka B.o.B, is an absolute fucking jam.

-- Shaq needs to worry more about his foul shooting skills and less about his popping skills with the JabbaWokeeZ or his choke slamming skills in the WWE if he wants to win a championship in Cleveland.
-- JAM!

-- A compound found in blue M&M dye, called Brilliant BlueG, has been found to prevent permanent damage that typically follows a traumatic spinal cord injury.

-- The side effect, however, is BBG turns the patient blue.

-- So THAT'S why there wasn't a Wheelchair Smurf!

-- Durf.

-- Living in Rhode Island again for the past 11 months has taught me one thing: the "douche-bag" population has reached its peak and needs to be thwarted by incorporating "how to be awesome" classes into our general education curriculum.

-- Congratulations on a great career, Tedy. I'm looking forward to the made-for-TV movie.

-- In all seriousness, you will be missed as the field general and heart of our defense. Good luck in the next phase of your life.

-- The LFL is further proof that some people think "half-naked" women are the best medicine for tough times.

-- Jackie Danico of the New England Euphoria supports that school of thought:



-- But the smart ones know the real solution is the "all-naked" variety.

-- Just when my love affair with Hugh Hefner had plateaued Playboy goes and combines my two favorite things with their Best But Bracket promotion: http://brackets.playboy.com/butts

-- Can't wait to see...

**pun alert**pun alert**

-- ...how it ends.

-- Thanks for the applause. Be sure to tip your waitresses.

GGD: Boobs

Last week I began a conversation based on the Gender Debate that always seems to be a 'hot button topic' for society. [See: The Great Gender Debate: Opening Arguments, Joyce, 8/14/09]

In that dialogue I made the following statement:

"Life is about all those little victories that make up our own individual definition of what happiness is. Some of those victories, along with the resulting happinesses, are EXTREMELY gender specific."

Caught up? Good. Moving along...

As the title of this chapter of the Great Gender Debate suggests we're going to delve into the "cleavage" of one of my favorite topics:
B-O-O-B-S. Boobs. BOOBS. BOOBS!

(See what I did there?)

Don't fret, ladies. This blog isn't going to be a "Playboy Pictorial" view on the female anatomy. It's going to be an educational "after-school-special," if you will, that will grant you V.I.P access into the male infatuation with the home of your mammary glands.

So let's ask the million dollar question: Why do guys like boobs?

Be warned, ladies. As I address that question don't be fooled by its rhetorical nature or by the answer that is commonly provided: Men like boobs because WE DON'T HAVE THEM.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

It's more complicated than you can begin to imagine.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

I'm not suggesting that men like every resident of Boobville.

For example: some implants are really awful, "Easty/Westys" just aren't natural and "Marty Feldmans" are plain fucking weird.

Don't know about Marty Feldmans?



Yikes.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

Listen, ladies. I'm not going to bore you with all the sexual and practical reasons guys love boobs. You already know them all. If you didn't, bras wouldn't be a billion dollar industry and none of us men would have been breast fed.

Sorry Victoria. Your secret is out.

What I AM going to do is tell you what you DON'T know. Specifically this: men see breasts as the great equalizer. When we see a woman's breasts it's a victory for us. Exposed areolae means WE WIN!

I know that's not the answer you're used to hearing and you might be asking, "How?"

Good question.

To fully answer the "How?" we have to let the boys breathe and take a peek at man's best friend: his penis.

Good thing I manscaped.

A man's ego is almost entirely tied to that most important part of HIS body. Every man walking is a direct reflection of his penis size. I don't need to elaborate on that assessment, dear readers. I'm a guy. I know it to be true and now you know it too.

Trust me.

Now, the only body part on a female that has the same type of "self worth" quality attached to it is the breast. Women's egos are closely tied to their breast size. (Again, girls, if it wasn't -- there wouldn't be a push-up bra or breast implants.)

So now you're probably asking: "What the hell do BOOBS have to do with a man's ego?" Again, easy answer. And I'll use an example to get my point across instead of "talking."

A man sees a really hot girl. Maybe even a girl that is so hot she is officially "out of his league." (Most female movie stars fit in to this equation, and I'll get to that in Boobs II.) Now, if that man is lucky enough to get that girl drunk enough to see her boobs, he has won. What has he won? An ego boost.
Because upon seeing said BOOBS there will be 1 of 2 results:

1) The hot girls' boobs are so disgusting that when she takes her bra off, they look like two pillow cases with quarters in the bottom of them. The hot girl is suddenly not so hot and the man can walk away armed with that knowledge making the girl's "hotness" null and void.

2) The hot girls' boobs are so perfect that he wants to keep them around for a while and show them off to all his friends. Why would a man do that? He gets to boost his ego by walking around with a woman that has perfect boobage.

In both cases it's Man's Ego 1, Boobs 0.

It's not about the id. It's not about the superego. It's all about the ego.

Think about it. You MUST have some guy friends, right? How many times have you heard a guy say, "She's not that hot, but she has great tits."? In truth, you can insert ANY adjective in the place of great and the same goal is achieved. That goal, of course, is the guy "justifying" an "ugly" girl so his ego can remain intact. The BOOBS are the equalizer in that equation.

How do I know? Have you ever heard a guy say, "Ya, she's ugly and she has really awful tits but she has a great personality!"

Exactly.

Everything we do, as men, is in some way stroking our ego. Why do you think we masturbate so much?

(to be continued....)

The Great Gender Debate: Opening Arguments

I feel the gender debate suffers from, what I like to call, obvious ignorance. General opinion seems to be "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." And that, dear readers, is where most of the confusion starts.

Now I don't claim to be an archeologist or historian or anything. But last I checked, and correct me if I'm wrong, we're actually both "from" Earth.

Not Mars. Not fucking Venus. Earth.

Unless, of course, I fell asleep in my Western Civilization class when the teacher elaborated on that epic moment in Earth's history when: "the Earth, full of dinosaurs, was attacked by two spaceships: one from Mars, one from Venus. And instead of destroying 'Earth' these intruders became docile, decided to procreate, and started to build shopping malls and shit."

C'mon. We're not from different planets, y'all. We're simply on different teams. More importantly (and this is where I get insightful) we both have very, VERY, different definitions of what "winning" is.

And, whether you want to admit it or not, that's what life's all about folks: WINNING.

Are you still with me?

Life is about all those little victories that make up our own individual definition of what happiness is. Some of those victories, along with the resulting happinesses, are EXTREMELY gender specific.

That's the reason I'm opening the gender debate door, dear readers. I'm going to step inside and analyze some of the rationale behind what MY gender feels the idea of winning translates into.

Don't fret, boys. I'm not going to expose our team goals, objectives, gender secrets or anything like that. I'm simply going to provide some insight that the ladies may find beneficial in their effort to understand us.

It's your proverbial win/win situation.

Stay tuned.

Suspension of Disbelief

Samuel Taylor Coleridge devised the idea of "willing suspension of disbelief" to help readers justify the use of fantastic or non-realistic elements in literature.

Maybe someone should tell Tim Tebow it wasn't intended for use in real life situations.

Florida's senior quarterback was recently asked at a press conference if he was "saving" himself for marriage. Mr. Tebow promptly responded, "Yes, I am." The admission has sparked national media discussion and online chatter about Tim's virginity & "willpower" along with photos of what is believed to be his girlfriend.

Two things:

1) The woman in said pictures floating around the internet is not his girlfriend. It's model Lucy Pinder.

2) If Lucy Pinder was his girlfriend Tim's Christian beliefs would quickly be replaced with Born Again Christian beliefs.

Don't believe me?

Well, you know the old adage, dear readers: a picture is worth a thousand words.

And, in this case, a few moments alone in your bedroom with the door shut.



You STILL don't believe that desire can trump a belief structure?

Go ask King Henry VIII and the Church of England how they feel about it.

-------------------
Quick Thinking
-------------------

-- After seeing the tape of Lebron getting "dunked" on my thought process echoed a favorite saying of my 12th grade theology teacher, Br. William Farias: B.F.D.

-- Yes, the acronym means what you think it means.

-- New England Patriots rookies reported to camp yesterday. Football season cometh!

-- But, apparently, Tim Tebow doesn't.

-- BLAMMO!

-- Hey, Brett: I hope you're ego is getting all the stroking it needs while you "decide" whether to sign with the Vikings or stay retired.

-- Selfish prick.

-- I think we need to get off Michael Vick's back about recently visiting a strip club. He was in jail for a long time, y'all. Let the man see some titties in peace.

-- I'm happy that Matt Holiday was traded to the St. Louis Cardinals. He just didn't look right in an Oakland Athletics uniform.

-- Kudos to Hannah Storm's stylist. She gets sexier every time I watch ESPN Live.

-- Just for the record: I will never attend nor plan to attend a Gun Show.

-- Unless, of course, I'm walking around with my shirt off.

-- HAY-OOO!

-- Am I the only person who wonders what happened to Bud Dry?

-- Congratulations to Jim Rice for finally being inducted into Baseball's Hall of Fame after 15 years on the ballot. Slow and steady, Jim. Slow and steady.

-- Embargo is muscling it's way to the top of my Favorite Word List.

-- Um, yes. I actually have a list for my favorite words. But don't tell anyone, ok? It'll ruin my street cred.

-- I recently came across an old 80's movie starring Micky Rourke and my only question is: Are you fucking kidding me?



-- Quote of the Week comes from Big Nick when, while walking down the beach in the middle of the day, we spied an older woman laying on the beach with her boyfriend giving him a hand job: "Maybe one of us should lay on her other side and see if she knows how to ski."

-- Well played, Nicholas. Well played.

-- It occurred to me that the guys I've played ball with my entire life are an average of 10-12 years older than every other team in a summer league we just started competing in on Sunday mornings.

-- It also occurred to me that we're eventually going to win the championship with relative ease.

-- The only unrealistic scenario of the new Transformers Movie is the fact that Shia LeBeouf's character would move to another coast and attend college while dating Megan Fox.

-- Oakland A's Manager Bob Geren looks an awful lot like the American Dreams manager from Nintendo's Baseball Stars.

-- Best baseball game ever.

-- If I were Cantador I'd be worried about the fact that Lance has been out of competitive racing for 4 years and he still finished 3rd in the "Tour."

-- Livestrong, bitches.

-- I'm starting to feel like the Sox are going quietly into the night.

-- Despite the fact that Michael Vick's actions were despicable I still hope he gets a chance at redemption.

-- Memo to T.O.: Focus on dropping the ball less and keeping your mouth shut more. Your latest criticism of Roger Goodell is proof you still don't get it.

-- Another Memo to T.O.: You can talk shit about your boss in private to other co-workers but you can't do it in public. Especially when there's a microphone in front of you. Ge'ez.

-- Can someone please explain to me the cultural importance of Comic-Con?

-- You know you're getting old when one of the Beastie Boys is diagnosed with cancer. Good luck with the fight, MCA.

-- If you haven't done so already make time to watch HBO's documentary: The Kid: The Life and Death of Ted Williams.

-- The videos of Erin Andrews circling the Internet helps prove the age old adage that seeing hot celebrities naked never gets old.

-- EVER.