Last week I began a conversation based on the Gender Debate that always seems to be a 'hot button topic' for society. [See: The Great Gender Debate: Opening Arguments, Joyce, 8/14/09]
In that dialogue I made the following statement:
"Life is about all those little victories that make up our own individual definition of what happiness is. Some of those victories, along with the resulting happinesses, are EXTREMELY gender specific."
Caught up? Good. Moving along...
As the title of this chapter of the Great Gender Debate suggests we're going to delve into the "cleavage" of one of my favorite topics:
B-O-O-B-S. Boobs. BOOBS. BOOBS!
(See what I did there?)
Don't fret, ladies. This blog isn't going to be a "Playboy Pictorial" view on the female anatomy. It's going to be an educational "after-school-special," if you will, that will grant you V.I.P access into the male infatuation with the home of your mammary glands.
So let's ask the million dollar question: Why do guys like boobs?
Be warned, ladies. As I address that question don't be fooled by its rhetorical nature or by the answer that is commonly provided: Men like boobs because WE DON'T HAVE THEM.
Simple, right?
Wrong.
It's more complicated than you can begin to imagine.
[SIDE NOTE: START]
I'm not suggesting that men like every resident of Boobville.
For example: some implants are really awful, "Easty/Westys" just aren't natural and "Marty Feldmans" are plain fucking weird.
Don't know about Marty Feldmans?
Yikes.
[SIDE NOTE: END]
Listen, ladies. I'm not going to bore you with all the sexual and practical reasons guys love boobs. You already know them all. If you didn't, bras wouldn't be a billion dollar industry and none of us men would have been breast fed.
Sorry Victoria. Your secret is out.
What I AM going to do is tell you what you DON'T know. Specifically this: men see breasts as the great equalizer. When we see a woman's breasts it's a victory for us. Exposed areolae means WE WIN!
I know that's not the answer you're used to hearing and you might be asking, "How?"
Good question.
To fully answer the "How?" we have to let the boys breathe and take a peek at man's best friend: his penis.
Good thing I manscaped.
A man's ego is almost entirely tied to that most important part of HIS body. Every man walking is a direct reflection of his penis size. I don't need to elaborate on that assessment, dear readers. I'm a guy. I know it to be true and now you know it too.
Trust me.
Now, the only body part on a female that has the same type of "self worth" quality attached to it is the breast. Women's egos are closely tied to their breast size. (Again, girls, if it wasn't -- there wouldn't be a push-up bra or breast implants.)
So now you're probably asking: "What the hell do BOOBS have to do with a man's ego?" Again, easy answer. And I'll use an example to get my point across instead of "talking."
A man sees a really hot girl. Maybe even a girl that is so hot she is officially "out of his league." (Most female movie stars fit in to this equation, and I'll get to that in Boobs II.) Now, if that man is lucky enough to get that girl drunk enough to see her boobs, he has won. What has he won? An ego boost.
Because upon seeing said BOOBS there will be 1 of 2 results:
1) The hot girls' boobs are so disgusting that when she takes her bra off, they look like two pillow cases with quarters in the bottom of them. The hot girl is suddenly not so hot and the man can walk away armed with that knowledge making the girl's "hotness" null and void.
2) The hot girls' boobs are so perfect that he wants to keep them around for a while and show them off to all his friends. Why would a man do that? He gets to boost his ego by walking around with a woman that has perfect boobage.
In both cases it's Man's Ego 1, Boobs 0.
It's not about the id. It's not about the superego. It's all about the ego.
Think about it. You MUST have some guy friends, right? How many times have you heard a guy say, "She's not that hot, but she has great tits."? In truth, you can insert ANY adjective in the place of great and the same goal is achieved. That goal, of course, is the guy "justifying" an "ugly" girl so his ego can remain intact. The BOOBS are the equalizer in that equation.
How do I know? Have you ever heard a guy say, "Ya, she's ugly and she has really awful tits but she has a great personality!"
Exactly.
Everything we do, as men, is in some way stroking our ego. Why do you think we masturbate so much?
(to be continued....)
3 comments:
No love for booties? Buns don't the stroke ego huh?... Damn.
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for taking the time to read the slice of my dementia that manifests itself as sportsandthoughts.com. Be sure to try some of our additional refreshments while you're here.
Drink it in.
And, while you're wiping away that Kool-Aid mustache, let me take a moment to try and address your questions.
First, I have nothing but love for the derriere. When asked the proverbial "guy" question concerning my preference for boobs or buns I unfailingly answer the later. I am, indeed, an ass man.
But not in a gay way.
Second, we'll certainly investigate our love for buns and how said love contributes to the stroking of egos & the GGD a later date.
Wouldn't be considered a "great debate" unless it touched on a topic that I enjoy slapping so much now would it?
But, so you know, I can't be held responsible for any welts or bruises.
In the interim, however, I'll leave you this "tribal" question: What is it that everybody has that some pirates and theives try to take?
Exactly.
This picture of Marty makes the entire blog for me. :)
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