Decade's Advocate

The last blog of 2009 for Sports and Thoughts is a milestone of sorts, dear readers. It serves as the final entry concluding the first full year of blogging for yours truly.

Please hold your applause to the end.

With that in mind, I'd like to reminisce with a reflective version of Quick Thinking highlighting the world that was through my eyes over the past year. And, I'm proud of having the discipline to continue to blog knowing full well my words reach very few, I want to shut the door on 2009 and open up one that holds better things for all of us in 2010.

Like my boy T.S. Eliot said, "For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."

Brilliant.

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Not So Quick Thinking
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January

-- I wore the same number in my sports career as Forrest Gump. That makes me feel a bit uneasy despite his fictitious status.

-- All major NCAA Football programs didn't achieve integration until 1972. Think about that when you watch this year's Inauguration.

-- Whenever I see Hillary Clinton speaking on TV, I can't help but think one thing: Is her dick bigger than mine?

-- The porn industry is asking for a bail out. I refuse to believe things have gotten so bad that people are too broke to masturbate.

-- Last I checked masturbation was free. Or am I doing it wrong?

-- Quote of the Year comes from my 12 year old nephew when asking me how much I weighed, "Really? My dad weighs 220 pounds. But you're ripped. Dad's all apple crisp, Ben & Jerry's and Gregg's chocolate cake."

February

-- R.I.P every idiot who, in an effort to 'think outside the box' and sound smart, called into local radio stations saying, "Maybe we should trade Brady..."

-- Never question the game of a man who just married the wealthiest supermodel in the world.

-- Quote of the Year II comes from a coworker whom I've never met. I heard this gem from a cell phone conversation he was having at work: "You better come to your senses! In 6-8 months you're going to be missing me 'cuz the kid will look just like me. Stop being stupid."

-- Apparently he learned how to whisper in a saw mill.

-- And, based on the tub of Muscle Milk he keeps on his desk for all to see, he learned how to speak to women at his local GNC.

-- JAGER BOMBS!!!

March

-- Memo to ARod: You can't wear a sleeveless shirt and invite the world to your "gun show" if you're trying to convince us that you're NOT taking steroids anymore.



-- As a matter of fact, even if you WEREN'T trying to convince the world you're clean, you can't take pictures like that.

-- Ever.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that the tequila shots ARod admittedly had to "loosen up" before his recent Details shoot were served in a syringe.

June

-- If Kraft Sports Productions is to the New England Patriots as NESN is to the Boston Red Sox: Does that mean Kristina Akra is Kraft's answer to NESN's Heidi Watney?



-- Advantage: Watney.

-- Sage Rosenfels sounds more like a character from a J.R.R. Tolkien book than someone who is going to compete for a starting quarterback job in the NFL this year.

-- Quote of the Year III comes from my boy Big Nick when he was asked, by an unnamed assailant, what he would do if he ever woke up to find a woman masturbating in a chair next to him: "I'd just tell your mom to go home."

-- A well-placed "momma joke" is timeless.

-- Ladies, be thankful you don't get "morning wood." Having to go pee with an erection is very confusing.

-- Desire is stronger than Love...and its not even close.

-- Papelbon has come to earth and, before its all said and done, he'll have cost us a must win game.

August

-- Hunch of the Year: I think this year's defending Super Bowl Champion Steelers are going be a lot like the defending Super Bowl Champion Steerlers of 2006.

-- For those that don't know they finished that season 8-8.

-- MLB players that are "Designated for Assignment" might as well be told "Hey, go fuck yourself."

-- Memo to all the people out there who wish they were smarter: Intelligence isn't automatically knowing the answers. It's about putting forth the effort to find the answers.

-- Put forth the effort.

-- Quote of the Year IV comes from a teammate on my Sunday morning basketball team when reacting to me posting up our opponents point guard and hitting a no look lay up off glass: "You should shoot not looking at the basket more often."

-- A compound found in blue M&M dye, called Brilliant BlueG, has been found to prevent permanent damage that typically follows a traumatic spinal cord injury.

-- The side effect, however, is BBG turns the patient blue.

-- So THAT'S why there wasn't a Wheelchair Smurf!

-- The LFL is further proof that some people think "half-naked" women are the best medicine for tough times.

-- Jackie Danico of the New England Euphoria supports that school of thought:



-- But the smart ones know the real solution is the "all-naked" variety.

September

-- The Red Sox celebrating their wild card birth following a loss feels a lot like a man bragging about hooking up with a hot chick while she was black out drunk.

-- In my defense, though, she didn't seem that drunk.

-- Early Christmas Wish of the Year: I would love to see the HBO Series Hard Knocks follow the New England Patriots through training camp next year.

-- The Cincinnati Bengals are better than you think.

-- Seattle's color man Mike Blowers' accurate AM radio prediction that Seattle rookie Matt Tuiasosopo would hit his first major league home run during his second at bat on a 3-1 fastball into left center field in Toronto is the most incredible prognostication ever made.

-- EVER.

-- And it's not even close.

-- It also provides further proof that God is a sports fan.

October

-- How great would it be if the NFL had a one game playoff instead of all those tie breakers to decide wild card berths?

-- That's a rhetorical question.

-- Memo to ESPN: Please have a talk with your MNF crew. Commentary like "back door gap discipline" should never be used during a football telecast.

-- Unless, of course, I'm watching the Lingerie Football League.

-- HAY-OOOO!!

-- I'm thankful there's a fine line between the criminal culpability for recording and releasing video of a naked celebrity sportscaster and watching said video on the Internet.

-- I have enough legal issues as it is.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Michael Barrett is the early 2010 Oscar favorite for Best Live Action Short Film.

-- And Best Costume Design.

-- Nothing knocks a girl from the proverbial mountain-top-of-hotness to the muffin-top-buffet-line faster than the following question: "Um, do you have a plunger?"

-- Am I the only one that thinks C.C. Sabathia looks like the Monster from Young Frankenstein?


-- Putting on the RIIIIIITTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZ!

-- My flatulence, following a night of drinking, should be considered a WMD.

-- Steve Phillips' lost his wife, house and, in all likeliness, his second high profile job because of an extramarital affair with Brooke Hundley, a production assistant at ESPN, who looks like the love child of Meatloaf and Rosie.

-- But, on the bright side, she has a wicked cool blaster.



-- Listen to Yoda about the dark side you should have, Steve.

-- Maybe he has PGAD.

-- For those who don't know, PGAD is a newly described disorder that is not yet fully understood and refers to the experience of persistent feelings of genital arousal that are not associated with sexual stimulation of any kind.

-- When I was young it wasn't called "PGAD." It was called "Puberty."

-- Or Hoggin'.

-- Real friendship isn't about remembering your best friend's birthday every year, it's about being able to forget their birthday without any disappointment or hurt feelings.

-- Women like Elisabetta Canalis, Clooney's newest girlfriend, provide the security I need to continue my man crush on the artist formerly known as Doug Ross, M.D.



November

-- I'm starting to learn that secrets only live in the hearts and minds of the foolish.

-- Memo to all the ladies who are in love with those brooding characters found in Stephenie Meyer's and Charlaine Harris' books: Vampires and werewolves aren't real.

-- Neither is eternal love.

-- The chances that any man, particularly a vampire, would literally spend an eternity with one woman is the most unrealistic plot line of those stories.

-- It's actually the most unrealistic plot line of ANY story.

-- However, as a vampire, I would at least consider spending an eternity with Jamie Westenhiser:



-- As long as we had some coconut oil.

-- And Gregg's Chocolate Cake

-- There's no truth to the rumor that following his accusations the Detriot Lions were faking injuries to slow Cleveland's no-huddle offense, Mr. Mangini phoned all his past girlfriends to see what they may have faked.

-- I hope they at least kept the change.

December

-- Memo to Tiger Woods: Putting your balls in multiple holes is only acceptable on the golf course.

-- Nothing ruins that clean-out-of-the-shower feeling faster than a poorly timed fart while bending over to dry your feet.

-- Quote of the Year VI comes from a 30-something friend who recently went on a date with a 19-year-old girl, "I think local authorities sounded an AMBER Alert when she got into my car."

-- Could be the funniest thing I've ever heard.

-- There's nothing worse than having a chance to dig out that bothersome nose nugget while leaving your home only to look up and see your neighbor waving at you.

-- The rapid nose-pick-to-wave motion is pretty obvious.

-- And awkward.

-- Tiger Woods' over active libido implies some sort of testosterone boosting PED use.

-- With a heaping side of ego juice.

-- And maybe a few resulting STDs.

-- The Green Mile, a movie getting a lot of airtime on AMC lately, is one of two movies to make me cry as an adult.

-- The other was the video footage of my wedding day.

-- I don't think either will have a sequel.

-- Quote of the Year VII comes from my boy Kevin as we flipped through The Phoenix's personal section while eating some slices at Fellini's Pizza, "Shit, there can't be that many girls in the state of RI trying to pay their way through college."

-- Memo to Daryl Johnston: Don't be afraid to put the lights on when you get dressed.



-- And the media thought Randy Moss' effort on Sunday was offensive.

-- Yikes.

-- Quote of the Year VIII comes from my boy Sean when, while we stood in line near the bar waiting to order beers at The Avery in Providence when an obvious drag queen squeezed ahead of us to get the bartender's attention, he quipped, "We'll just wait our turn. Anyone with a dick who is confused enough to wear a dress is dangerous."

-- Thanks to all those in the media that defended Randy Moss' play against the Carolina Panthers last week while unwittingly introducing the phrase "check the coach's tape" as a viable excuse to combat obvious poor performance.

-- It will become my "go to" excuse for any poor decision I make in 2010.

-- Because we all know I'm prone to a poor decision on occasion.

-- And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to...

-- A portrait of the artist as a young man:



-- Or as his childhood alter ego: Captain Starch.

-- Sage Advice of the Year: Nothing positive ever comes out of a lifestyle anchored by booze, sex and drugs.

-- NOTHING.

-- Unless, of course, you check the coach's tape.

The Morning After: Week 15

What we've got here is a failure to communicate.

I've learned a valuable lesson this week, dear readers. A lesson I will not soon forget.

And, in an effort to give during this holiday season, I'm going to share what I've recently learned with all of you. Sit back, put down the eggnog and allow Santa TJ to come down the knowledge chimney with a bag full of goodies to help you navigate through the shitty mess that sometimes consumes our lives. Consider it the best stocking stuffer of all time.

Fucking Garmin and Tom-Tom have nothing on me.

The lesson is simply this: People SAY they want the truth but they don't.

Let that sink in.

People don't want the truth. What people really want is to have THEIR version of the truth verified and proven to be correct. The "real" truth matters very little. It's "their" truth that people care most about. The danger, of course, is anything that goes against "their" version of the "truth," whether it's based in reality or not, is met with denial and disbelief.

Just ask Christopher Columbus.

The truth is too simple in current times. Today's Avatar world is one of CGI, motion capture and special effects. Shit, we even use "emoticons" to express our emotion in texts and emails. Our entire lives have become simulated, dear readers. And, when the "real" truth doesn't fit into that simulation, people simply meltdown.

So, in addition to all the gifts you've wrapped this week, be sure to give people in your life the one vital gift that doesn't fit into a box with tissue paper: confirmation that the belief structure regulating their lives is accurate.

Even when it's not.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Thanks to all those in the media that defended Randy Moss' play against the Carolina Panthers last week while unwittingly introducing the phrase "check the coach's tape" as a viable excuse to combat obvious poor performance.

-- It will become my "go to" excuse for any poor decision I make in 2010.

-- Because we all know I'm prone to a poor decision on occasion.

-- And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to...

-- Patriots fans have been treated to a record of 125-50 (including playoffs) and 3 Super Bowl Championships in the past decade.

-- No wonder most have been complaining like spoiled brats this year.

-- Truth is no match for paranoia.

-- Think Mike Tyson in his prime against Butterbean.

-- Or King Hippo.

-- 24 Hour Karate School is The Mighty Mos' latest triumph.

-- Quote of the Week comes from Randy Moss when addressing the media following New England's 17-10 win over Buffalo on Sunday, "These shoulders that I have on my body, you could put the earth on [them]."

-- Thanks, Atlas.

-- But we'll settle for your best effort on every play.

-- R.I.P. Tiger's legacy.

-- I'm not on Team Edward.

-- Or Team Jacob.

-- I am, however, on Team Count Chocula.

-- And, when it's available, Team Boo Berry.

-- Were Biz Markie and Warren Sapp separated at birth?



-- Or maybe they're just friends.

-- Extra Credit Assignment of the Week: Check out the documentary Expelled: Intelligence Not Allowed starring Ben Stein as he investigates the different evolutionary theories of Darwinism and Intelligent Design.

-- Shout out to Ken Rapoza, a former colleague, who's favorite phrase "Always stay in school even if it's not in a classroom" has stuck with me all these years.

-- Congratulations to Sharae Spears for being named Playboy's 2009 Cyber Girl of the Year.



-- And for not being named one of Tiger's mistresses.

-- The "tuck rule" luck that propelled Tom Brady & the New England Patriots into the NFL's elite team stratosphere is starting to run out.

-- And we all know what happens when luck runs out.

-- A portrait of the artist as a young man:



-- Or as his childhood alter ego: Captain Starch.

-- Sage Advice of the Week: Nothing positive ever comes out of a lifestyle anchored by booze, sex and drugs.

-- NOTHING.

-- Unless, of course, you check the coach's tape.

The Morning After: Week 14...

...and counting.

We've reached that point in the NFL season where math starts to matter, dear readers. I know, I know, I wish I would have payed more attention in algebra too. But have no fear! I've called in my friend Captain Math to help us swim through the murky-mathematical-NFL-Playoff-scenario waters.

So grab your swimmies, dive in and be prepared for some shrinkage.

Wait. What?

Really?

Change in plans, dear readers. Apparently Captain Math has misplaced his abacus cape and isn't prepared to speculate Playoff scenarios with us today. Let's all get out of the water before our hands get pruney.

Thanks for nothing, Captain Math.

I hope you get demoted.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The older I get the more I realize how effin' hard being human is.

-- Brain Food: A study done by the Center for Public Integrity shows one in five college women will be raped, or experience an attempted rape, before graduation.

-- And less than 5 percent will report the crime.

-- Do better, fellas. Take the "e" off the end of your "rap."

-- Brain Food II: What is the name & location of the oldest bar in the world? (answer below)

-- Memo to Daryl Johnston: Don't be afraid to put the lights on when you get dressed.



-- And the media thought Randy Moss' effort on Sunday was offensive.

-- Yikes.

-- Luck, not talent, will help the Patriots make the Playoffs this year.

-- I hope the Colts or Saints run the table so I never hear from Mercury Morris again.

-- Ever.

-- Shannon Spake looks better as a brunette.

-- The Red Sox are closer with the Lackey and Crawford signings.

-- But they still need a few big bats to make noise in 2010.

-- Quote of the Week comes from my boy Sean when, while we stood in line near the bar waiting to order beers at The Avery in Providence when an obvious drag queen squeezed ahead of us to get the bartender's attention, he quipped, "We'll just wait our turn. Anyone with a dick who is confused enough to wear a dress is dangerous."

-- Friends that share my sense of humor comfort me like a warm blanket.

-- We'd be up shit's creek sans paddle without Wes Welker.

-- The only thing that can stop the Boston Celtics from winning another championship this year is the injury bug.

-- Brain Food II Answer: Sean's Bar in Athlone, Ireland.

-- Wish I would have known that during my '06 trip.

-- The Patriots need to get their first road win this weekend or their up-and-down season is all but over.

-- The Winter Classic feels like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to attend a hockey game inside storied Fenway Park.

-- I wish I had tickets.

-- And I don't even enjoy watching hockey.

The Morning After: Week 13

New England, we have a problem...

I'm going to heed the advice of my elders and stay my tongue this week because I don't have anything nice to say, dear readers. How could I, you ask? Well, the frustration from 2nd half collapses and lottery ticket mistresses is simply too much for me to combat this week.

But, if this week in sports is anything like our previous one, I'll abandon silence and listen to Mrs. Alice Roosevelt Longworth's advice when it comes to sharing one's opinion concerning others.

Hope all of you will be sitting next to me.

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Quick Thinking
------------------

-- Our New England Patriots just lost back-to-back games for the first time since 2006.

-- We can't lose 3 in a row.

-- Can we?

-- There's nothing worse than having a chance to dig out that bothersome nose nugget while leaving your home only to look up and see your neighbor waving at you.

-- The rapid nose-pick-to-wave motion is pretty obvious.

-- And awkward.

-- My Week 3 prediction that "despite the win over Atlanta, the Patriots still feel like a .500 team to me" was met by skepticism and laughter by all my closest friends and family members.

-- So was my preseason prediction that the Steelers had a "2006" vibe about them and would finish the season around 8-8.

-- But you know what they say about he who laughs last...

-- Congratulations to my team, The Unknowns, for not having a regular season victory in our 30-plus Men's Basketball League but somehow managing to win the Championship in the final seconds last week.

-- It's all about how you finish, y'all.

-- Hope the Patriots take notice.

-- Quote of the Week comes from yours truly in response to my long-haired, headband wearing opponent saying "fuck you" to me following a block I made against him in the final seconds of said championship game, "I have a flowbee in my trunk if you want a trim before you head home...or some eyeliner to complete your look. Whatever works."

-- I guess I'd be mad too if my team was the number 1 seed and we lost the Championship to a team who didn't win in the regular season.

-- In our defense, though, the playoffs were the only time our entire team showed up.

-- Maybe we should change our team name to The Possums.

-- The cracks in the New England Patriots' dynasty foundation are getting bigger week by week.

-- Tiger Woods' over active libido implies some sort of testosterone boosting PED use.

-- With a heaping side of ego juice.

-- And maybe a few resulting STDs.

-- It makes perfect sense that Mindy Lawton, the fifth woman to come forward and claim an affair with Tiger Woods, is the "ugliest" of the bunch. After all, she lived in his home town and would frequently cross paths with Woods.



-- The wisdom of Hannibal Lecter knows no bounds.

-- I'm starting to think Christmas decorations may be Tony Romo's kryptonite.

-- Or maybe it's the seasonal music.

-- Proud Uncle Moment of the Week comes from researching RI Youth Sports in The Valley Breeze and reading that, "Tyge Joyce is one of the team's [Lincoln's] best shooters and is a threat from anywhere on the offensive end."

-- Keep shooting, TJ3. Keep shooting.

-- Just remember to get your uncle a press pass when you make it big.

-- The fact that Tiger Woods has gone from untouchable athlete to comedic fodder for talk show hosts annoys me.

-- No. I'm not condoning his behavior.

-- The Green Mile, a movie getting a lot of airtime on AMC lately, is one of two movies to make me cry as an adult.

-- The other was the video footage of my wedding day.

-- I don't think either will have a sequel.

-- Quote of the Week II comes from my boy Kevin as we flipped through The Phoenix's personal section while eating some slices at Fellini's Pizza, "Shit, there can't be that many girls in the state of RI trying to pay their way through college."

-- Showtime's Dexter makes serial killing look fun.

-- Just when I thought I had shed my musical guilty pleasure Timbaland goes and releases Carry Out featuring Justin Timberlake.

-- Curse you, your hypnotic beats & your dreamy collaborator, Timbaland.

-- Curse you.

Define "Cheating"

- verb (used without object, informal): to be sexually unfaithful (often followed by "on")

I feel compelled to start this blog with an apology regarding the headline.

"Why?"

Good question. Early participation points, class. Well done.

I'm sorry because, based on this blog's title, readers who know me might be thinking I'm going to offer a comprehensive opinion on "cheating" in relationships. And, while I have an infinite number of opinions on cheating in relationships through my personal field research and shared experiences with friends & family, I'm not going to write about that topic today. Or any other day for that matter.

It's a door I simply don't want to open.

"Why?"

Again? You're quite inquisitive today, dear readers. Dangerously inquisitive. I use the word "dangerously" because the topic of cheating, thrust into the spotlight by Tiger Woods' recent transgressions, is polarizing. Extremely polarizing.

Lots of adverbs flying around today.

In addition to being polarizing, view points on cheating tend to be very gender specific and I'm weary adding fuel to an already heated gender debate.

Very weary.

Or maybe I just need some motivation.

[MOTIVATIONAL SIDE NOTE: START]

Is there another kind of opinion other than a comprehensive one?

That's a rhetorical one, folks. If an opinion is not comprehensive -- it's not an opinion -- it's simply a declarative statement made for simple conversation.

Do the world a favor and stop making statements and start having opinions. Real opinions.

YOUR opinions.

[MOTIVATIONAL SIDE NOTE: END]

That helped.

Ok, here goes: The reason I don't want to openly discuss the topic of cheating isn't fear. Fear has nothing to do with it. Nor am I worried about any personal repercussions from blogging about such a taboo topic.

That's an important statement, dear readers. I've made peace with myself and every relationship I've been in. Truth be told, I make "peace" with myself almost everyday in the shower. Peace be with you.

And also with you.

But, as far as past relationships go, I've cheated in some and was cheated on in others.

Cheating is simple. Cheating is about the person who's doing it. The "cheater" is attempting to quench some strange thirst they feel -- either born from childhood issues, insecurities or the fact that they feel the need to fuck everyone they see. Whatever the reason, CHEATING IS SELF-IMPOSED. It's a singular decision made by the person doing it. Period.

Cheating is NOT about the deficiencies of the significant-other being cheated on. Most of the time, it's not even about the hotness or intriguing qualities of the "other person." The significant-other and "other person" are simply characters in the life-movie of the cheater.

The cheater isn't thinking "will this hurt my significant other?" They're not thinking, "I wonder if the 'other person' is cheating on someone, too." If any of those thoughts occurred to the cheater they wouldn't be cheating. The cheater is filling a void -- others emotions and feelings aren't in the equation.

However, cheating behavior does evolve. The reason a cheater cheats when he/she's 18 are completely different from the reason they cheat when they're 25, etc. If someone tells you different they're lying. Or, they're too detached from themselves to understand why they're doing what they're doing in life. And the "detached," dear readers, are the scariest type of people in this world.

I'm going far deeper than I ever intended.

Moving forward, am I a bad person for cheating? No. Are the girls who cheated on me bad people? No. I would argue that they're stupid, but that doesn't necessarily make them "bad." Listen, I'm not DEFENDING cheaters. I'm just looking at the behavior for what it is. Cheating makes both parties what they are: human. Nothing more.

The good news is cheating is a behavior. It can be unlearned if the cheater realized why they've done it in the past and resolve to never do it again. Changing the behavior may not be easy but it can be accomplished.

Shit, I've certainly gotten away from my original blog thought. I need to end this relationship cheating digression.

The last thing I'm going to say about cheating in relationships is actually the reason I didn't want to start down this slippery slope in the first place. But, as my typing has continued, I feel impelled to type my final thought.

Ready?

The reason I didn't want to get into a blog about infidelity in relationships is because it's inevitable. And, faced with that hard truth, people get upset. Getting upset about cheating in relationships is a waste of time. The fact of the matter is this: everyone will experience relationship infidelity during the course of their lifetime.

EVERYONE.

Zero exceptions. Me, you, your current boyfriend, my first girlfriend, your dad, my mom, my old priest, everyone. End of discussion. Relationships are easier if you accept it, live life not judging those that do and just try and understand why they do it.

I guess I need to amend my beginning apology. And, to pull a line from my favorite movie: I'm sorry I'm not sorry about a potentially misleading title. Clearly, it wasn't misleading at all.

However, I am sorry I had to be the one to tell you about the reality of cheating in relationships.

Well, maybe.

The Morning After: Week 12

Major Infraction

The Tiger Woods "transgression" debacle is proof positive most men, even elite, billion dollar athletes, are helpless against the controlling power their libido has over any sense of morality or good judgment.

You don't think a man's libido is that strong? Really?

This is who Tiger Woods cheated on:



Forget that she's beautiful. Elin is the mother of his daughter, Sam and son, Charlie. Two children, by the way, who are too young to understand how far the shadow of their father's infidelity will reach and effect the rest of their lives.

Idiocy personified if you ask me.

The thing is, Tiger will live with the guilt. He'll live with the guilt and convert all the negative publicity into a focused anger that will fuel his competitive fire resulting in a display of competitive prowess never before seen on a golf course.

But no matter how many tournaments he wins or records he breaks the one thing Tiger cares about most -- his golfing legacy -- will be forever tarnished.

Hope the "transgressions" were worth it, Eldrich.

-------------------
Quick Thinking
-------------------

-- I wish people would stop confusing kindness for weakness.

-- Drew Brees made the Patriots' defense look like a jayvee squad on Monday Night.

-- The silver lining, of course, is the biggest problem isn't our defense. It's the predictable offensive play calling.

-- Pun intended.

-- Memo to Tiger Woods: Putting your balls in multiple holes is only acceptable on the golf course.

-- Speaking of Tiger, I'm still going to watch & cheer for him despite his "transgressions."

-- Does that mean my moral compass is broken, too?

-- Don't look now, but my AFC Super Bowl pick Tennessee Titans are on a 5-game winning streak and back in the thick of the Wild Card race.

-- And my NFC pick, the Minnesota Vikings, are a postseason lock.

-- Nothing ruins that clean-out-of-the-shower feeling faster than a poorly timed fart while bending over to dry your feet.

-- Especially after a night of drinking Coors Light and eating buffalo wings.

-- I suppose worse things could happen while bending over in the shower.

-- If you don't see that the Football gods are favoring Vince Young than you're simply not paying attention.

-- Or you choose not to believe in secular deities.

-- Tiger's erratic driving skills continue to be his achilles heel.

-- When's the last time you experienced the same simple exhilaration you felt going down a hill on your bike and letting go of the handle bars for the first time?

-- Orgasms don't count. Keep thinking.

-- Ya, I don't have an answer either.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Elin became suspicious of Tiger after he changed his ring tone to Area Codes.

-- Quote of the Week comes from a 30-something friend who recently went on a date with a 19-year-old girl, "I think local authorities sounded an AMBER Alert when she got into my car."

-- Could be the funniest thing I've ever heard.

-- Well played, my 30-something friend who wishes to remain anonymous. Well played.