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Lately I've heard a lot of friends talk about how they're afraid of identity theft.
And, while I can sympathize when it comes to fear, I find it impossible to share their anxiety for this particular fear because, well, I couldn't give my fucking identity away.
Even if I tried.
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Quick Thinking
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-- Big ups to the boys at Bar Stool Sports for another solid addition to their t-shirt arsenal.
-- The "inches" marker on the back is genius.
-- "Selling" and "giving away" are not the same thing.
-- Unless, of course, you're at the strip club.
-- HAYY-OOOOO!
-- The NFL should be applauded for their recent focus on protecting players from illegal hits.
-- But don't be fooled, dear readers, the NFL's new vigilant safety campaign is the beginning of a slippery slope pushing for one thing and one thing only: an 18-game regular season.
-- Looks like we finally have ourselves a Bilbo Baggins for Peter Jackson's highly anticipated prequel The Hobbit. Undercover geeks everywhere rejoice!
-- Hope Peter taps into Leonard Nimoy's Middle Earth musical prowess for the soundtrack.
-- See, readers. I told you I wasn't joking about being a closet dork.
-- Here's a link from the top shelf to convince any remaining naysayers.
-- I'M OLD GREGG!!!
-- It pains me to write, but, Showtime's Dexter has officially jumped the shark.
-- In hopes of climbing to 5-2 and not falling to 4-3, I'm throwing the Cement Shoes on Big Ben and the Steelers (-3) in Miami this weekend.
-- Let's hope Mr. Roethlisberger treats me better than he does undergraduate lushes in college bar bathrooms.
We come out of the Patriots' bye week up $550.00 with a record of 4-1 thanks to all those Cement Shoes I've been handing out.
But now Week 6 is upon us, dear readers, and the home team is tasked with trying to keep the number in their loss column to 1.
So am I.
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Quick Thinking
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-- Quote of the Week is awarded to Creepy Work Guy for telling a small group of us, "Violence isn't a big part of my life anymore, but I did rumble a lot when I was younger."
-- I wonder if Dallas, Sodapop or Pony Boy were part of his crew.
-- Counter Intuitive Advice of the Week tells us that sometimes getting people to hate you is the best life decision you can make for yourself.
-- And for them.
-- Why the fuck do I keep receiving AARP membership cards in the mail?
-- "Justin Timberlake played me in a movie" must be the greatest pickup line Sean Parker has in his repertoire.
-- The millions of dollars from owning 7% of Facebook probably don't hurt, either.
-- Dallas visiting Minnesota, plus a point-and-a-half-a-pimple, will be wearing the Cement Shoes this weekend. I hate having to depend on Playboy Tony, but I'll take him over Brett's old ass any day.
-- Congratulations to Joan Rivers for following in the footsteps of Betty White as Snickers' ad agency's newest reclamation project.
-- Oh, wait. That's not Joan Rivers?
-- Really?
-- My bad.
-- Ben & Jerry's new flavor Milk & Cookies is their greatest ice cream innovation to date
-- Brett should take a cue from Chad OchoCinco and change his last name to PickSix.
-- And he needs to stop taking relationship advice from Greg Oden.
-- ZING!
-- There's no truth to the rumor that hockey season recently began.
-- Oh, wait, that's not a rumor?
-- Shit, I'm off my game today.
-- My bad...again.
-- I'm tired of people getting angry with me by remembering things I've never even said.
-- Or, at least, I don't THINK I said those things.
-- But don't hold me to that.
I supposed a quick explanation is in order for those of you who haven't heard the word "mindo" before.
There's actually not much to explain.
Mindo, pronounced "min-doe," is a simple word that can be used as a verb, noun or adjective. End of story. Inject the word into your vocabulary, dear readers, and try it on for size.
After a little use I'm sure you'll agree the word is, in fact, mindo.
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Quick Thinking
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-- The ESPN Monday Night Football hype machine personifies excess.
-- Unless, of course, your team is taking the field on that particular Monday Night.
-- Then it's inspiring.
-- On the bright side, the Red Sox not making the playoffs will help me cope when the Patriots miss the tournament later this year.
-- We're an 8-8 team, Patriot Nation.
-- Embattled quarterback Michael Vick finally came full circle to regain a starting position on an NFL roster.
-- He quickly lost it after sustaining a rib injury diving for the goal line yesterday.
-- Karma: 1. Michael Vick: 0.
-- There's no truth to the rumor that Adam Richman's popular show Man vs. Food will be renamed Man vs. Coronary Disease next season.
-- I got dibs on his host spot when he eventually drops.
-- Quote of the Week goes to Big Slick for his enlightened observation as we started day-drinking following an aggressive night of debauchery, "I don't know if this is possible, but I think I'm hung over AND drunk."
-- There's no truth to the rumor that The Town's climatic shoot out at Fenway Park was loosely based on Theo Epstein and Larry Lucchino's troubled negotiations following the disappointing 2005 season.
-- Cement Shoe Pick of the Week is Pats/Miami Over @ 47.5. Brady needs to throw 3 TDs just to keep the game competitive.
-- His hair will have to throw a few as well to give us a chance at a win.
-- Memo from my blog's Department of Redundancy Department: Mos Def's Umi Says transcends all musical tastes, generations, genres and,when you listen to every word, it inspires.
-- Be inspired.
One week does not a season make, dear readers, but while Tom Brady & Co. were serving up a big, heaping bowl of optimism Sunday to Patriot Nation against the Bengals, yours truly was serving up a tasteful concoction of his own to his friendly online sportsbook.
My Week 1 "Lock of Week" -- Pats/Cincy Over -- came in laughably easy.
Let's hope both dishes are still on the menu this Sunday.
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Quick Thinking
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-- Hey, Wes, big ups for defying modern medicine, playing Sunday, crossing the plane twice and being the best-known-fantasy-sleeper-pick in 2010.
-- The New York Jets' hype machine hit a Baltimore Raven colored brick wall Monday night.
-- Your message would be better received by Mr. Kraft, Randy, if you shortened your 16 minute rant into a 3 second quip. I'm thinking something like, "Spend cash, homey." would work.
--Zen Question of the Week: Is a hot girl stopped at a traffic light picking her nose still hot? (Answer below)
-- Quote of the Week comes from my Pops for quipping the following while watching the Patriots dismantle Cincinnati on Sunday, "I haven't been this excited about Tight Ends since my days in the armed forces."
-- Apple doesn't fall too far, y'all.
-- The Davalos twins are more proof that god is, in fact, a man.
-- And, apparently, he's an ass man as well.
-- Or, at least, an air-brushed ass man.
[ EDITOR'S NOTE: Despite being void of any nudity, the desired picture punchline violates photobucket's prudish terms of use and can not be displayed. Simply click here to see it and let's pretend this never happened.]
-- Dallas enters yet another season touted as the "most talented team in the league" by media and NFL "experts" alike.
-- Too bad they won't make the playoffs this year.
-- That's right. I said it.
-- Betty White's new 15 minutes of fame will last longer than she does.
-- Yup. I just said that, too.
-- I wouldn't pick Mark Sanchez as my quarterback in a high school fantasy football league.
-- I'd stay clear of Tony Romo, too.
-- The Lock of the Week nod goes to Kansas City (+2.5) @ Cleveland. I'm taking the points in what is sure to be a very close game between two groups of coaches -- all former Patriots' assistants -- who know each other very, very well.
-- Programming Note of the Week: Conan's comeback starts 11/8/10 on TBS.
-- I think I'll show my support my donning a Masturbating Bear costume for Halloween.
-- Zen Answer of the Week: Only if she uses it for lubricant.
-- Despite a great Week 1 showing by their defense, the Patriots will only go as far as Tom Brady and his hair can take them.
-- The viral My Butt Is Big campaign, which focuses on my favorite part of the female anatomy, has been confirmed by Nike as a fake.
-- No hard feelings on this end about being teased by a spurious ad campaign, though. I'm used to women faking things.
We live in a world where every human behavior has been coddled into a "condition" and remedied with a "prescription."
Medication Nation, y'all. Pop a pill and drink it in.
The problem, however, is obvious: some undesirable conduct can't be remedied over-the-counter at your local CVS Pharmacy. So, until the "cure-all" pill is released, I'm starting a lobby to change the negative connotation associated with common human M.O.'s by simply calling them something else.
Let's start this "give-it-a-name" movement with "Passive Aggressive" by renaming it "Progressive Aggressive." That way, all the folks that haven't had enough time to mature can blame a contemporary condition saving them the embarrassing admission of being an adult who still acts like a child.
New & improved name.
Same chicken shit behavior.
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Quick Thinking
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-- You Gotta Be Shittin' Me Award of the Week goes to Shane Van Dyke for writing AND directing Titanic 2 which, by the way, was released straight to DVD on 8/24/10.
-- Yup, you read that right. Titanic 2.
-- I wonder how it ends?
-- Zen Question of the Week asks who's the bigger idiot: The man who writes and directs Titanic 2 or the man who watches it?
-- There's no truth to the rumor that Shane's next project will be Hidenburg 2: Hot Air.
-- Momentum is a fickle mistress.
-- And turns out she's quite the slut, too.
-- Just when I thought "Creepy Work Guy" couldn't get any creepier he shows up on the job wearing a tie with a lingerie-clad Betty Boop in suggestive poses on it.
-- Boop-Boop-Be-Yikes.
-- Big ups to Jessica Alba for finally emerging from her "mommy cave." Welcome back, Jess. We missed you.
-- A lot.
-- Bigger ups to K.!.D. for being cast on Lifetime's new series Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Who Wants to be Queer.
-- Shooting starts in October.
-- Dumbest Facebook Status Update of the Week goes to Derrick Merlin Wildstar who recently informed us:
-- Um, what?
-- And why the hell did I accept his friend request? Wizards freak me out.
-- You shall NOT PASS!
-- Memo to All the Road Warriors Out There: I appreciate your homage to Mad Max but you can't have a "Bad Ass" skull and crossbones decal on the back window of the RV you're driving when the vinyl siding is pink.
-- Unless, of course, you're trying to raise your Moron Index.
-- Or, better yet, your OXY Moron Index.
-- RIM SHOT!
-- Oh, Speak & Spell, you'll always have a place in my heart as the greatest babysitting innovation of all time.
-- As well as the "toy" responsible for my fascination with words.
-- And Joshua from War Games.
-- Shall we play a game?
Fill-in-the-ellipsis accordingly.
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Quick Thinking
--------------------- Few things are more satisfying than seeing your boss as you emerge from the single stall office bathroom following an epic "three flusher" and greeting him with a nod & a smile as he walks in after you.
-- Soak it in, boss man. Soak. It. In.
-- The Red Sox need to win at least 33 of their remaining 46 games to even have a chance at the Playoffs this year.
-- You do the math.
-- Eddie. EDDIE!!! I want to talk to you! Why did you sign with the Miami Heat, EDDIE!?!?!?
-- Eddie Murphy's Raw helped shape my sense of humor.
-- Maybe that's why most of my jokes offend people.
-- Memo to All My Hard Working Ladies: I respect the effort, girls, but just because you're fucking the boss doesn't mean you are the boss.
-- Memo to All My Hard Working Ladies II: On the bright side, though, all those sext messages will come in handy for the inevitable sexual harassment suit following the eventual break up.
-- I need less Will Ferrell on TV promoting his new movie The Other Guys.
-- But I always need more cowbell.
-- Invisalign braces are more discreet than I originally feared.
-- I hope I can have them removed before prom pictures next year, though.
-- There's no truth to the rumor that Gillette's new innuendo-laced "tug and pull" marketing campaign will be replaced by the more direct "it's like a happy ending facial every time you shave."
-- Remember, y'all, if you've ever enjoyed a laugh while reading and you have a facebook account, PLEASE CLICK HERE to become a fan.
-- Quote of the Week goes to a new co-worker who said the following while telling a few folks about a very strict diet that forces her to bring all her food from home, "I used to store nuts in plastic all the time but they'd taste funny by the time I ate them."
-- Check, please.
-- Sometimes playing dumb is the smartest thing to do.
-- Memo to All Members of Men Nation: Wearing clear nail polish is never acceptable.
-- EVER.
-- Welcome to Boston, Shaq. Here's to hoping your effort will match your comedic timing.
-- Now put down the Twinkies and hit the gym.
-- Mullets are an underappreciated art form.
-- I inherently don't trust men who have slicked back hair and wear dress shoes with tassels on them.
-- They're just plain creepy.
-- Then again, I guess I really don't trust anyone. But men with slicked back hair and tasseled dress shoes are at the top of my list.
-- That's right, Bad Touch. I'm talking to you. And, no, you can't have my home address.
-- Stop asking.
Each sports + thoughts blog I write offers me the relief of cathartic writing and, hopefully, makes a few of you laugh. (On rare occasions, dear readers, it may even make you think.)
But the ultimate goal of sports + thoughts is to help its author realize a dream of becoming a full-time writer for a newspaper or media outlet.
That said, I know more folks are reading my blog than are officially "following" me and I need to get my numbers up. But doing so via blogger.com is follower prohibitive.
Too many friggin' steps.
In order to combat that issue I've created a fan page on facebook. So, if you've ever enjoyed a laugh (or two) while reading a blog from sports + thoughts and you have a facebook account,
PLEASE CLICK HERE to become a fan and help a wannabe writer attempt to manifest destiny.
Or, at the very least, manufacture it.
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Quick Thinking
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-- So long, 2010 Red Sox. We hardly knew ya.
-- Chelsea Baker's knuckle ball is the latest example that "throwing like a girl" isn't necessarily a bad thing.
-- Keep spinning 'em, Chelsea.
-- As is the case with most award shows, the ESPYs didn't live up to the marketing hype or the red carpet circus that preceded it.
-- Brooklyn Decker in her pink dress, on the other hand...
-- R.I.P. Emmanuelle Chriqui from atop my celebrity crush list.
-- Quote of the Week comes from my uncle, a soon-to-be-retired state worker, who quipped the following as we watched a few RI magistrates mingle with some very young ladies at a wedding we attended this weekend: "If you grab a camera and take a few pictures, we'll both be living off a state pension for the rest of our lives."
-- I was too busy making sure gin & tonic didn't fly out my nose to snap any photos.
-- Sage Advice of the Week comes from the Mighty Mos and goes out to Jacoby Ellsbury following his "Nu-uh" Press Conference last week: Don't talk about it. Be about it.
-- Peace.
-- Your toughness and desire to play are both in question, Jakey, and are officially "on the clock."
-- But, hey, at least the pink hats still think you're dreamy.
-- There's no truth to the rumor that Mel Gibson has landed the lead role in Cyrano de Bergerac on Broadway this winter.
-- On the bright side, Mel, you seem to be aging gracefully.
-- All joking aside, Mr. Gibson, it appears you've gotten your heart broken and money taken by a very attractive woman. Happens to the best of us.
-- Get over it.
-- And try counting to ten a few times.
-- Weddings are a bizarre social ritual.
-- So is a Maid of Honor speech that lasts 12 minutes.
-- Quote of the Week II comes from Gl!derman who, when asked the following question by yours truly via text: "My sister-in-law just sent me a friend request on facebook. Your thoughts?" responded, "Early signs of the Apocalypse."
-- 2012 is right around the corner. I guess it's time to start those Bucket Lists...
-- Benicio Del Torro's accent in The Wolfman shows how far he's come since playing Fenster in The Usual Suspects.
-- He'll flip you. Flip you for real.
-- On second thought, let's not be too hasty...
