The Morning After: Then There Were Two

The best thing about NFL Championship Sunday was the foreseeable blunder of Brett Favre when the game was on the line. While Mr. Favre's career numbers with Green Bay, New York and Minnesota may be enviable, his propensity to fail those teams in big spots is not.

Consider the interceptions karmic punishment from the sports gods, dear readers. Punishment for holding teams hostage in the previous years as Brett pondered retirement. Punishment for feeding his ego by creating a media frenzy following every indecisive day. Punishment for biding his time with the Jets so he could be signed by the Vikings to exact revenge on the Packers for his dishonorable discharge. His habitual miscues are a clear message from the sports gods' that one man's need to repair his ego is not bigger than the game.

I hope Brett is listening this off-season.

------------------
Quick Thinking
------------------

-- J-E-T-S...suck, Suck, SUCK!

-- Scheduling Note: The Pro-Bowl will be played on Sunday, January 31st at 7:30 pm.

-- Ignore accordingly.

-- PC Basketball seems to have taken a big step back after last year's promising season.

-- With apologies to all the folks who would've loved to reciprocate an elbow, push or flagrant foul that wasn't whistled, the pain in my titanium-laced joints has finally forced me into basketball retirement.

-- That groan you just heard was from Big Nick because he knows he'll have to do all the dirty work now.

-- Am I the only one that feels a sense of accomplishment after clogging a toilet?

-- The NFL's two best teams are in the Super Bowl.

-- Brett Favre won't retire this time for the same reason he couldn't retire all those other times: He doesn't want his last play from scrimmage to be an interception that led to an NFC Championship loss.

-- You know what they say, Brett - once is an accident, twice is a coincidence and three times is a trend. Your capacity for choking when the stakes are at their highest is a trend.

-- And not the kind that people want to copy.

-- Oh, and as me and my boy Mac were texting following your recent choke Sunday, we hope Desmond Howard and Drew Bledsoe are still on your Christmas card list for that Super Bowl XXXI victory.

-- Simple As... is another head bobbin' jam from Kid Cudi.

-- But not in a gay way.

-- Glen Davis would like to shed the "Big Baby" moniker in place of being called "Uno Uno."

-- I know, right?

-- Seeing old friends is the best way to remember how easy life used to be.

-- While seeing old friends' pictures of you is the best way to remember the name of the barber you no longer go to.

-- It makes me a little sad that because of Jersey Shore the disparity between New Jersey douche bags and Rhode Island douche bags no longer exists.

-- Each character on that show exceed all acceptable levels of douchebagery.

-- Wouldn't you agree, Erik?

-- And those who watch it are a special kind of "wannabe" douche bags.

-- That's right, I said it.

-- Painful Reality Check of the Week: It appears Tom Brady's work ethic & Peyton Manning's whining have switched places.

-- When The Game Was Ours by Larry Bird & Magic Johnson, with help from Jackie McMullen, is an insightful look into the basketball landscape of the late 70's, 80's and early 90's.

-- Quote of the Week is credited to Larry Bird, from page 47 of said book, in response to how he felt about his Indiana State teammates being jealous of all the attention he received in college, "Hell, I'm jealous of them too. I'm jealous because I never got to play with a Larry Bird."

-- Tough to argue with that.

-- The book also tells the story of how the foundation for the basketball world we know today was created.

-- Thanks Magic.

-- Thanks Larry.

-- Despite this creepy commercial.

Too Soon?

Bitter break-ups are all around us, dear readers. Entertainment television and grocery store magazine racks inundate us with images of celebrity relationships gone sour. And, if that wasn't reminder enough, we see it occur with friends and family members in our everyday lives.

Even late night TV, a place of comedic respite for viewers winding down from a long day, is currently entrenched in a relationship controversy. NBC plans to send Conan O'Brien packing, with a rumored settlement check of $45 million dollars in his pocket, after only 7 months as host of the Tonight Show.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

Can you believe NBC wants Conan gone so badly they're paying him so much to do so?

I can't.

On the off chance you read this, Conan, I would like to offer a sincere thank you for all the ridiculous characters and bits you introduced to the world during your television career. I'll miss the hair, Vomiting Kermit, Pimpbot 5000, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, La Bamba, Andy's Little Sister, Joel Godard, Mr. T, Bob Dole, Conando, Wax Tom Cruise & Fonz, Horny Manatee, Recliner of Rage and In the Year 2000.

But I'll miss you most of all, Masterbating Bear.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

With Conan's final show and the age old adages of "laughter is the best medicine" & "time heals all wounds" serving as my inspiration -- or justification -- I feel it's time I'm allowed a humorous public quip, which I created on someecards.com, concerning my failed marriage from nearly 7 years ago.

If I'm wrong and it's still too soon I suppose I'll be the guy checking IDs in hell. I really hope I'm not, though. Because, with my perspiration issues, eternity will be one endless underarm sweat stain.



Some might call it cold-hearted. Others will consider it cathartic.

I agree with the latter.

The Morning After: And So It Goes...

This year's NFL Playoffs have reinforced the age old adage that, in the football game of life, the apple certainly does not fall far from the tree. Or, more specifically, a team's performance always reflects their coach's personality.

Always.

Listen, dear readers. I could go down the entire list of 2009 Playoff coaches and their respective team's on field play to help prove a point. But, I feel that would be a waste of time because the opening statement is self-evident. I'm simply trying to highlight the importance of coach's attitude and how it effects his team's play.

People say "coaches coach and players play," implying the two are mutually exclusive. They're not. NFL coaches and players personify the definition of a co-dependent relationship where each amplifies the weaknesses, and strengths, of the other.

You still want an example, don't you? Okay, I'll give in.

Let's look at our beloved New England Patriots. Coach Belichick projects a matter-of-fact attitude -- with a sprinkle of self entitlement -- and usually comes across as indifferent. And how did our team look against Baltimore last Sunday?

Exactly.

------------------
Quick Thinking
------------------

-- The only thing I really miss since the Patriots' season ended 10 days ago is the video web site segment Belichick Breakdown.

-- Well, that, and the fact that coach is referred to as "The Belestrator" while analyzing game film during the show.

-- Awesome nickname.

-- Helps humanize coach Belichick a little bit.

-- Blanket Memo of the Week: While we're talking about nicknames, I'd like to offer a sincere thank you to all the girls I've ever dated for never giving me the pet name "moopsie."

-- Question of the Week goes out to all the ladies in the crowd. Maybe I've been asleep at the wheel but when exactly did country music become the universal aphrodisiac?

-- Would someone please break Brett Favre's hip and put an end to the egomaniacal roller coaster that has becoming his football legacy.

-- The best golfer in the world, renowned for his mental toughness & focus, is going to therapy for sexual addiction implying he had no control over his transgressions and feels a bit disingenuous to me.

-- Wonder if Elin is buying it.

-- Would be more believable if you vanished in the Woods of Wisdom, Tiger.

-- Zen Question of the Week: If something you never really wanted in the first place decides to go away, did you still lose it?

-- The 2009 Jets remind me of the young, hungry team we were blessed with in 2001.

-- I hope you rediscover the hunger in 2010, boys.

-- Especially you, Mr. Bundchen.

-- Congratulations to Kerry Ceurvels Martin, my dear childhood friend's wife, who is being inducted into the Salve Regina Basketball Hall of Fame this weekend.

-- 1080 points and 1155 rebounds are incredible accomplishments, Worm. Enjoy the well-deserved recognition.

-- Oh, and thanks for letting me violate some of your friends during my college days.

-- Celebrity Look Alike Award of the Week goes to my cousin Joe for being the spitting image of Daddy Warbucks while wearing his tuxedo.



-- Beats looking like Punjab, brother.

-- Sage Advice of the Week goes to all my married friends out there. When you find yourself in a group of single guys engaged in "locker room talk" please don't try and contribute with stories of you and your wife's sexual escapades.

-- Ever.

-- Seriously. EV-ER.

-- It's gross.

Decade's Advocate

The last blog of 2009 for Sports and Thoughts is a milestone of sorts, dear readers. It serves as the final entry concluding the first full year of blogging for yours truly.

Please hold your applause to the end.

With that in mind, I'd like to reminisce with a reflective version of Quick Thinking highlighting the world that was through my eyes over the past year. And, I'm proud of having the discipline to continue to blog knowing full well my words reach very few, I want to shut the door on 2009 and open up one that holds better things for all of us in 2010.

Like my boy T.S. Eliot said, "For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning."

Brilliant.

------------------------
Not So Quick Thinking
------------------------

January

-- I wore the same number in my sports career as Forrest Gump. That makes me feel a bit uneasy despite his fictitious status.

-- All major NCAA Football programs didn't achieve integration until 1972. Think about that when you watch this year's Inauguration.

-- Whenever I see Hillary Clinton speaking on TV, I can't help but think one thing: Is her dick bigger than mine?

-- The porn industry is asking for a bail out. I refuse to believe things have gotten so bad that people are too broke to masturbate.

-- Last I checked masturbation was free. Or am I doing it wrong?

-- Quote of the Year comes from my 12 year old nephew when asking me how much I weighed, "Really? My dad weighs 220 pounds. But you're ripped. Dad's all apple crisp, Ben & Jerry's and Gregg's chocolate cake."

February

-- R.I.P every idiot who, in an effort to 'think outside the box' and sound smart, called into local radio stations saying, "Maybe we should trade Brady..."

-- Never question the game of a man who just married the wealthiest supermodel in the world.

-- Quote of the Year II comes from a coworker whom I've never met. I heard this gem from a cell phone conversation he was having at work: "You better come to your senses! In 6-8 months you're going to be missing me 'cuz the kid will look just like me. Stop being stupid."

-- Apparently he learned how to whisper in a saw mill.

-- And, based on the tub of Muscle Milk he keeps on his desk for all to see, he learned how to speak to women at his local GNC.

-- JAGER BOMBS!!!

March

-- Memo to ARod: You can't wear a sleeveless shirt and invite the world to your "gun show" if you're trying to convince us that you're NOT taking steroids anymore.



-- As a matter of fact, even if you WEREN'T trying to convince the world you're clean, you can't take pictures like that.

-- Ever.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that the tequila shots ARod admittedly had to "loosen up" before his recent Details shoot were served in a syringe.

June

-- If Kraft Sports Productions is to the New England Patriots as NESN is to the Boston Red Sox: Does that mean Kristina Akra is Kraft's answer to NESN's Heidi Watney?



-- Advantage: Watney.

-- Sage Rosenfels sounds more like a character from a J.R.R. Tolkien book than someone who is going to compete for a starting quarterback job in the NFL this year.

-- Quote of the Year III comes from my boy Big Nick when he was asked, by an unnamed assailant, what he would do if he ever woke up to find a woman masturbating in a chair next to him: "I'd just tell your mom to go home."

-- A well-placed "momma joke" is timeless.

-- Ladies, be thankful you don't get "morning wood." Having to go pee with an erection is very confusing.

-- Desire is stronger than Love...and its not even close.

-- Papelbon has come to earth and, before its all said and done, he'll have cost us a must win game.

August

-- Hunch of the Year: I think this year's defending Super Bowl Champion Steelers are going be a lot like the defending Super Bowl Champion Steerlers of 2006.

-- For those that don't know they finished that season 8-8.

-- MLB players that are "Designated for Assignment" might as well be told "Hey, go fuck yourself."

-- Memo to all the people out there who wish they were smarter: Intelligence isn't automatically knowing the answers. It's about putting forth the effort to find the answers.

-- Put forth the effort.

-- Quote of the Year IV comes from a teammate on my Sunday morning basketball team when reacting to me posting up our opponents point guard and hitting a no look lay up off glass: "You should shoot not looking at the basket more often."

-- A compound found in blue M&M dye, called Brilliant BlueG, has been found to prevent permanent damage that typically follows a traumatic spinal cord injury.

-- The side effect, however, is BBG turns the patient blue.

-- So THAT'S why there wasn't a Wheelchair Smurf!

-- The LFL is further proof that some people think "half-naked" women are the best medicine for tough times.

-- Jackie Danico of the New England Euphoria supports that school of thought:



-- But the smart ones know the real solution is the "all-naked" variety.

September

-- The Red Sox celebrating their wild card birth following a loss feels a lot like a man bragging about hooking up with a hot chick while she was black out drunk.

-- In my defense, though, she didn't seem that drunk.

-- Early Christmas Wish of the Year: I would love to see the HBO Series Hard Knocks follow the New England Patriots through training camp next year.

-- The Cincinnati Bengals are better than you think.

-- Seattle's color man Mike Blowers' accurate AM radio prediction that Seattle rookie Matt Tuiasosopo would hit his first major league home run during his second at bat on a 3-1 fastball into left center field in Toronto is the most incredible prognostication ever made.

-- EVER.

-- And it's not even close.

-- It also provides further proof that God is a sports fan.

October

-- How great would it be if the NFL had a one game playoff instead of all those tie breakers to decide wild card berths?

-- That's a rhetorical question.

-- Memo to ESPN: Please have a talk with your MNF crew. Commentary like "back door gap discipline" should never be used during a football telecast.

-- Unless, of course, I'm watching the Lingerie Football League.

-- HAY-OOOO!!

-- I'm thankful there's a fine line between the criminal culpability for recording and releasing video of a naked celebrity sportscaster and watching said video on the Internet.

-- I have enough legal issues as it is.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Michael Barrett is the early 2010 Oscar favorite for Best Live Action Short Film.

-- And Best Costume Design.

-- Nothing knocks a girl from the proverbial mountain-top-of-hotness to the muffin-top-buffet-line faster than the following question: "Um, do you have a plunger?"

-- Am I the only one that thinks C.C. Sabathia looks like the Monster from Young Frankenstein?


-- Putting on the RIIIIIITTTTTTTTTZZZZZZZZZZZ!

-- My flatulence, following a night of drinking, should be considered a WMD.

-- Steve Phillips' lost his wife, house and, in all likeliness, his second high profile job because of an extramarital affair with Brooke Hundley, a production assistant at ESPN, who looks like the love child of Meatloaf and Rosie.

-- But, on the bright side, she has a wicked cool blaster.



-- Listen to Yoda about the dark side you should have, Steve.

-- Maybe he has PGAD.

-- For those who don't know, PGAD is a newly described disorder that is not yet fully understood and refers to the experience of persistent feelings of genital arousal that are not associated with sexual stimulation of any kind.

-- When I was young it wasn't called "PGAD." It was called "Puberty."

-- Or Hoggin'.

-- Real friendship isn't about remembering your best friend's birthday every year, it's about being able to forget their birthday without any disappointment or hurt feelings.

-- Women like Elisabetta Canalis, Clooney's newest girlfriend, provide the security I need to continue my man crush on the artist formerly known as Doug Ross, M.D.



November

-- I'm starting to learn that secrets only live in the hearts and minds of the foolish.

-- Memo to all the ladies who are in love with those brooding characters found in Stephenie Meyer's and Charlaine Harris' books: Vampires and werewolves aren't real.

-- Neither is eternal love.

-- The chances that any man, particularly a vampire, would literally spend an eternity with one woman is the most unrealistic plot line of those stories.

-- It's actually the most unrealistic plot line of ANY story.

-- However, as a vampire, I would at least consider spending an eternity with Jamie Westenhiser:



-- As long as we had some coconut oil.

-- And Gregg's Chocolate Cake

-- There's no truth to the rumor that following his accusations the Detriot Lions were faking injuries to slow Cleveland's no-huddle offense, Mr. Mangini phoned all his past girlfriends to see what they may have faked.

-- I hope they at least kept the change.

December

-- Memo to Tiger Woods: Putting your balls in multiple holes is only acceptable on the golf course.

-- Nothing ruins that clean-out-of-the-shower feeling faster than a poorly timed fart while bending over to dry your feet.

-- Quote of the Year VI comes from a 30-something friend who recently went on a date with a 19-year-old girl, "I think local authorities sounded an AMBER Alert when she got into my car."

-- Could be the funniest thing I've ever heard.

-- There's nothing worse than having a chance to dig out that bothersome nose nugget while leaving your home only to look up and see your neighbor waving at you.

-- The rapid nose-pick-to-wave motion is pretty obvious.

-- And awkward.

-- Tiger Woods' over active libido implies some sort of testosterone boosting PED use.

-- With a heaping side of ego juice.

-- And maybe a few resulting STDs.

-- The Green Mile, a movie getting a lot of airtime on AMC lately, is one of two movies to make me cry as an adult.

-- The other was the video footage of my wedding day.

-- I don't think either will have a sequel.

-- Quote of the Year VII comes from my boy Kevin as we flipped through The Phoenix's personal section while eating some slices at Fellini's Pizza, "Shit, there can't be that many girls in the state of RI trying to pay their way through college."

-- Memo to Daryl Johnston: Don't be afraid to put the lights on when you get dressed.



-- And the media thought Randy Moss' effort on Sunday was offensive.

-- Yikes.

-- Quote of the Year VIII comes from my boy Sean when, while we stood in line near the bar waiting to order beers at The Avery in Providence when an obvious drag queen squeezed ahead of us to get the bartender's attention, he quipped, "We'll just wait our turn. Anyone with a dick who is confused enough to wear a dress is dangerous."

-- Thanks to all those in the media that defended Randy Moss' play against the Carolina Panthers last week while unwittingly introducing the phrase "check the coach's tape" as a viable excuse to combat obvious poor performance.

-- It will become my "go to" excuse for any poor decision I make in 2010.

-- Because we all know I'm prone to a poor decision on occasion.

-- And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to...

-- A portrait of the artist as a young man:



-- Or as his childhood alter ego: Captain Starch.

-- Sage Advice of the Year: Nothing positive ever comes out of a lifestyle anchored by booze, sex and drugs.

-- NOTHING.

-- Unless, of course, you check the coach's tape.

The Morning After: Week 15

What we've got here is a failure to communicate.

I've learned a valuable lesson this week, dear readers. A lesson I will not soon forget.

And, in an effort to give during this holiday season, I'm going to share what I've recently learned with all of you. Sit back, put down the eggnog and allow Santa TJ to come down the knowledge chimney with a bag full of goodies to help you navigate through the shitty mess that sometimes consumes our lives. Consider it the best stocking stuffer of all time.

Fucking Garmin and Tom-Tom have nothing on me.

The lesson is simply this: People SAY they want the truth but they don't.

Let that sink in.

People don't want the truth. What people really want is to have THEIR version of the truth verified and proven to be correct. The "real" truth matters very little. It's "their" truth that people care most about. The danger, of course, is anything that goes against "their" version of the "truth," whether it's based in reality or not, is met with denial and disbelief.

Just ask Christopher Columbus.

The truth is too simple in current times. Today's Avatar world is one of CGI, motion capture and special effects. Shit, we even use "emoticons" to express our emotion in texts and emails. Our entire lives have become simulated, dear readers. And, when the "real" truth doesn't fit into that simulation, people simply meltdown.

So, in addition to all the gifts you've wrapped this week, be sure to give people in your life the one vital gift that doesn't fit into a box with tissue paper: confirmation that the belief structure regulating their lives is accurate.

Even when it's not.

------------------
Quick Thinking
------------------

-- Thanks to all those in the media that defended Randy Moss' play against the Carolina Panthers last week while unwittingly introducing the phrase "check the coach's tape" as a viable excuse to combat obvious poor performance.

-- It will become my "go to" excuse for any poor decision I make in 2010.

-- Because we all know I'm prone to a poor decision on occasion.

-- And the Understatement of the Year Award goes to...

-- Patriots fans have been treated to a record of 125-50 (including playoffs) and 3 Super Bowl Championships in the past decade.

-- No wonder most have been complaining like spoiled brats this year.

-- Truth is no match for paranoia.

-- Think Mike Tyson in his prime against Butterbean.

-- Or King Hippo.

-- 24 Hour Karate School is The Mighty Mos' latest triumph.

-- Quote of the Week comes from Randy Moss when addressing the media following New England's 17-10 win over Buffalo on Sunday, "These shoulders that I have on my body, you could put the earth on [them]."

-- Thanks, Atlas.

-- But we'll settle for your best effort on every play.

-- R.I.P. Tiger's legacy.

-- I'm not on Team Edward.

-- Or Team Jacob.

-- I am, however, on Team Count Chocula.

-- And, when it's available, Team Boo Berry.

-- Were Biz Markie and Warren Sapp separated at birth?



-- Or maybe they're just friends.

-- Extra Credit Assignment of the Week: Check out the documentary Expelled: Intelligence Not Allowed starring Ben Stein as he investigates the different evolutionary theories of Darwinism and Intelligent Design.

-- Shout out to Ken Rapoza, a former colleague, who's favorite phrase "Always stay in school even if it's not in a classroom" has stuck with me all these years.

-- Congratulations to Sharae Spears for being named Playboy's 2009 Cyber Girl of the Year.



-- And for not being named one of Tiger's mistresses.

-- The "tuck rule" luck that propelled Tom Brady & the New England Patriots into the NFL's elite team stratosphere is starting to run out.

-- And we all know what happens when luck runs out.

-- A portrait of the artist as a young man:



-- Or as his childhood alter ego: Captain Starch.

-- Sage Advice of the Week: Nothing positive ever comes out of a lifestyle anchored by booze, sex and drugs.

-- NOTHING.

-- Unless, of course, you check the coach's tape.

The Morning After: Week 14...

...and counting.

We've reached that point in the NFL season where math starts to matter, dear readers. I know, I know, I wish I would have payed more attention in algebra too. But have no fear! I've called in my friend Captain Math to help us swim through the murky-mathematical-NFL-Playoff-scenario waters.

So grab your swimmies, dive in and be prepared for some shrinkage.

Wait. What?

Really?

Change in plans, dear readers. Apparently Captain Math has misplaced his abacus cape and isn't prepared to speculate Playoff scenarios with us today. Let's all get out of the water before our hands get pruney.

Thanks for nothing, Captain Math.

I hope you get demoted.

--------------------
Quick Thinking
--------------------

-- The older I get the more I realize how effin' hard being human is.

-- Brain Food: A study done by the Center for Public Integrity shows one in five college women will be raped, or experience an attempted rape, before graduation.

-- And less than 5 percent will report the crime.

-- Do better, fellas. Take the "e" off the end of your "rap."

-- Brain Food II: What is the name & location of the oldest bar in the world? (answer below)

-- Memo to Daryl Johnston: Don't be afraid to put the lights on when you get dressed.



-- And the media thought Randy Moss' effort on Sunday was offensive.

-- Yikes.

-- Luck, not talent, will help the Patriots make the Playoffs this year.

-- I hope the Colts or Saints run the table so I never hear from Mercury Morris again.

-- Ever.

-- Shannon Spake looks better as a brunette.

-- The Red Sox are closer with the Lackey and Crawford signings.

-- But they still need a few big bats to make noise in 2010.

-- Quote of the Week comes from my boy Sean when, while we stood in line near the bar waiting to order beers at The Avery in Providence when an obvious drag queen squeezed ahead of us to get the bartender's attention, he quipped, "We'll just wait our turn. Anyone with a dick who is confused enough to wear a dress is dangerous."

-- Friends that share my sense of humor comfort me like a warm blanket.

-- We'd be up shit's creek sans paddle without Wes Welker.

-- The only thing that can stop the Boston Celtics from winning another championship this year is the injury bug.

-- Brain Food II Answer: Sean's Bar in Athlone, Ireland.

-- Wish I would have known that during my '06 trip.

-- The Patriots need to get their first road win this weekend or their up-and-down season is all but over.

-- The Winter Classic feels like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to attend a hockey game inside storied Fenway Park.

-- I wish I had tickets.

-- And I don't even enjoy watching hockey.

The Morning After: Week 13

New England, we have a problem...

I'm going to heed the advice of my elders and stay my tongue this week because I don't have anything nice to say, dear readers. How could I, you ask? Well, the frustration from 2nd half collapses and lottery ticket mistresses is simply too much for me to combat this week.

But, if this week in sports is anything like our previous one, I'll abandon silence and listen to Mrs. Alice Roosevelt Longworth's advice when it comes to sharing one's opinion concerning others.

Hope all of you will be sitting next to me.

------------------
Quick Thinking
------------------

-- Our New England Patriots just lost back-to-back games for the first time since 2006.

-- We can't lose 3 in a row.

-- Can we?

-- There's nothing worse than having a chance to dig out that bothersome nose nugget while leaving your home only to look up and see your neighbor waving at you.

-- The rapid nose-pick-to-wave motion is pretty obvious.

-- And awkward.

-- My Week 3 prediction that "despite the win over Atlanta, the Patriots still feel like a .500 team to me" was met by skepticism and laughter by all my closest friends and family members.

-- So was my preseason prediction that the Steelers had a "2006" vibe about them and would finish the season around 8-8.

-- But you know what they say about he who laughs last...

-- Congratulations to my team, The Unknowns, for not having a regular season victory in our 30-plus Men's Basketball League but somehow managing to win the Championship in the final seconds last week.

-- It's all about how you finish, y'all.

-- Hope the Patriots take notice.

-- Quote of the Week comes from yours truly in response to my long-haired, headband wearing opponent saying "fuck you" to me following a block I made against him in the final seconds of said championship game, "I have a flowbee in my trunk if you want a trim before you head home...or some eyeliner to complete your look. Whatever works."

-- I guess I'd be mad too if my team was the number 1 seed and we lost the Championship to a team who didn't win in the regular season.

-- In our defense, though, the playoffs were the only time our entire team showed up.

-- Maybe we should change our team name to The Possums.

-- The cracks in the New England Patriots' dynasty foundation are getting bigger week by week.

-- Tiger Woods' over active libido implies some sort of testosterone boosting PED use.

-- With a heaping side of ego juice.

-- And maybe a few resulting STDs.

-- It makes perfect sense that Mindy Lawton, the fifth woman to come forward and claim an affair with Tiger Woods, is the "ugliest" of the bunch. After all, she lived in his home town and would frequently cross paths with Woods.



-- The wisdom of Hannibal Lecter knows no bounds.

-- I'm starting to think Christmas decorations may be Tony Romo's kryptonite.

-- Or maybe it's the seasonal music.

-- Proud Uncle Moment of the Week comes from researching RI Youth Sports in The Valley Breeze and reading that, "Tyge Joyce is one of the team's [Lincoln's] best shooters and is a threat from anywhere on the offensive end."

-- Keep shooting, TJ3. Keep shooting.

-- Just remember to get your uncle a press pass when you make it big.

-- The fact that Tiger Woods has gone from untouchable athlete to comedic fodder for talk show hosts annoys me.

-- No. I'm not condoning his behavior.

-- The Green Mile, a movie getting a lot of airtime on AMC lately, is one of two movies to make me cry as an adult.

-- The other was the video footage of my wedding day.

-- I don't think either will have a sequel.

-- Quote of the Week II comes from my boy Kevin as we flipped through The Phoenix's personal section while eating some slices at Fellini's Pizza, "Shit, there can't be that many girls in the state of RI trying to pay their way through college."

-- Showtime's Dexter makes serial killing look fun.

-- Just when I thought I had shed my musical guilty pleasure Timbaland goes and releases Carry Out featuring Justin Timberlake.

-- Curse you, your hypnotic beats & your dreamy collaborator, Timbaland.

-- Curse you.