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We need to stop the madness, dear readers. Please.
Stop. The. Madness.
Choosing sides of some fictitious battle between wolves and bats has become an unhealthy distraction for some of you and, as a result, I'm forced to start a counter-attack in hopes of balancing the scales. So, that said: fuck Team Jacob. And Team Edward, for that matter.
That's right. I said it.
I'm on Team Terrence.
And I encourage all of you to be an active participant on Your Team, too.
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Quick Thinking
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-- The dog days are right around the corner with the Yanks, Sox and Rays separated by a P-hair, or 1.5 games, atop the AL East.
-- Anticipate accordingly.
-- Landon Donovan is further proof that having a hot wife doesn't preclude infidelity.
-- Memo to Tom Brady: Please cut your hair and start acting more like the 3-time Super Bowl Champion we've all come to love and less like the supermodel wife we've grown far too familiar with seeing lately.
-- Just because a person is skilled at telling stories doesn't mean every story they tell is a "story." Know what I'm saying?
-- How I Got Over, the latest installment of The Roots' musical evolution, will invade your brain with its hooks, beats and choruses.
-- Right On.
-- Language Barrier Quote of the Week goes to my new colleague Patrick Cartier for saying the following when attempting to order a post training session libation at a Mexican restaurant in Newington, CT, "Can I have a glass of cerveza, please."
-- At least he used "gracias" correctly.
-- Not as embarrassing as the time I attempted to order "Apple Pie a la mode with ice cream" from T.G.I. Fridays back in '91.
-- Needless to say, my date took 2nd base off her menu later that night on account of my idiocy.
-- True story.
-- I'm tired of hearing about referees dictating the outcome of sporting events.
-- Regardless of the sport.
-- Vampires and werewolves engaged in an epic Shakespearean battle for the affection of a woman is fiction, ladies.
-- And bad fiction at that.
-- Am I the only one fighting a strong urge to say "for the pushin'" whenever someone says "cushion?"
-- FOR THE PUSHIN'!!!!!!
-- I know, I know...it's juvenile.
-- Pull my finger and we'll talk about it.
* extends finger *
The Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers -- with 32 Championships between them -- are squaring off in Game 7 of the NBA Finals tonight. And, while rigid rules aren't my favorite thing, tonight's event requires me to impose the following ultimatum: Any member of Guy Nation who doesn't watch Game 7 tonight forfeits their Man Card.
That's right, I said it.
I'm not going to give you a list of reasons why, fellas. The statement is self-evident. I will, however, answer one question.
Yes, in the back. What's your question?
Good grief. If I had a digital eraser I would whip it at your head. Lucky for you, even if I did, my aim isn't that great. Plus, anger is no match for the pedagogic responsibility compelling me to answer your inquiry regardless of how weak it is. After all, you're a part of Guy Nation and, as we all know, Guy Nation is only as smart as its dumbest member.
The reason these rules don't apply to women is because, well, they're women. Any effort from the sweeter sex to watch sports is a bonus for all inhabitants of Guy Nation. A major bonus, in fact.
Duh.
So, stupid questions aside, brethren, I implore you to heed my words: If you've ever attempted a urinal cake melt and you're not watching Game 7 of the NBA Finals tonight I'll be forced to revoke your Man Card.
Permanently.
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Quick Thinking
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-- The NBA is so crooked I almost feel bad for my bookie.
-- Almost.
-- Sometimes the best "inside joke" is the one only you know about.
-- It bothers me the hip-hop duo Pete Philly & Perquisite, along with their absolute jam Hope, featuring Talib Kweli, have flown under my radar since 2005 because of record label marketing machines that control society's music consumption.
-- But I can't turn on a radio without hearing the musical shit sandwich that is Justin Bieber.
-- Double U. Tee. Eff.
-- Epic Failure Award of the Week goes to the gentleman at Karta Bar last Thursday who, while on an obvious first date, ordered a salad with a sugar-rimmed martini glass chaser while the attractive young lady he dined with was served a burger and scotch on the rocks.
-- True story.
-- Memo to All the Ladies: Hitting the treadmill wearing a sports bra may be uncomfortable on hot & humid days but at least you never have to worry about your balls sticking to your leg.
-- And then sitting on them.
-- Ouchie.
-- I'd take "bouncing" pain over the "getting sat on" variety any day of the week.
-- Allowing others to be correct when predicting your behavior provides them with a false sense of intelligence that is easily manipulated.
-- I hope Joe Montana is getting a hefty check from Sketchers for their new marketing campaign because he tarnishes his legacy with every commercial I see.
-- I don't think a man with unusually small hands can really be considered a man.
-- A Man Card can't be bigger than the man hands holding it, chief.
-- Celebrity Look A Like of the Week goes to Pau Gasol for looking like a real life version of Abu from Disney's Aladdin.
-- After fielding the question for nearly 20 years I need to say - once and for all - I am, unequivocally, an ass man.
-- And, no. Not in a gay way.
-- Unless, of course, it's really cold outside.
-- Brrrr.
The epic failure of a fellow runner who attempted to capture the last moments of my Run To Home Base experience is forgiven because, finally, it's official: I have photographic proof of crossing home plate at storied Fenway Park.
And, apparently, I was too winded to field any questions from the media.
The perennial phrase "keep the change" -- a euphemism commonly used by men when describing or inquiring about oral sex -- needs to be retired.
The shine is gone. The luster is lost. The honeymoon is over.
In its absence I offer the idiom "take it to the house."
"Why?"
Valid question.
Below is my valid retort.
[ HERE'S WHY: START ]
Fellatio can be compared, in sports terms, to a great catch made by a wide receiver.
Any great catch.
Even a catch made behind the line of scrimmage, for a loss, makes Top Plays on ESPN if it was great. Greatness helps ratings, y'all. But you know what makes any great catch even better? When a receiver scores a touchdown by taking said catch to the end zone, or rather, the house.
So fellatio is the catch while taking that catch to the house is, well, taking it to the house.
Seems simple to me.
[ HERE'S WHY: END ]So ladies I implore...no, wait. All of Guy Nation implores you: If you're not prepared to "take it to the house" please don't make the catch.
Or you might have to take one in the face, instead.
HAYY-OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!------------------
Quick Thinking
-------------------- Seeing Wes Welker participating in agility drills and running routes in June can only mean good things for the Patriots this season.
-- Same goes for Randy Moss in a contract year.
-- It took me 4 attempts and 8 days to finish watching Avatar.
-- Worst ROI movie of all time.
-- It's ok, Jim. Us Joyces are prone to making questionable calls.
-- Quote of the Week goes to NBA Analyst Avery Johnson while discussing the best game plan for beating the Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals, "Rajon Rondo is the head of the snake. And, when you take away the head of the snake, you take away the engine of the car."
-- Um, what?
-- Be careful when mixing those metaphors, Mr. Johnson. Someone could get hurt.
-- I like the Celtics in 6 so long as Samuel L. Jackson doesn't attend
one game in L.A.
-- See what I did there?
-- Violence may not always be the answer.
-- But sometimes it helps to raise the right questions.
-- Attention Starved Douchebag Award of the Week goes to that guy at my gym who was wearing his mirrored aviators while working out on Tuesday.
-- I'd bet a winning Powerball ticket Highway to the Dangerzone is the only song playing on his iPod shuffle.
-- I'm also guessing he refers to himself in the 3rd person.
-- And to his manhood as "Maverick."
-- It's still a bit weak, but the Red Sox have a pulse.
-- Speaking of the baseball, Quote of the Week II comes from my mother - Connie Lee - while discussing the current state of Sox Nation, "I just hope they didn't blow their load when sweeping the Rays in Tampa."
-- Thanks for the insight, Momma.
-- And the future therapy bills.
-- No matter how hard you try, ESPN & Bono, I won't be watching World Cup soccer.
-- Celebrity Look A Like of the Week goes to Big Baby Davis for being the spitting image of Glass Joe from Nintendo's Punch Out!!!
-- Ok, you're right, they look nothing alike. But they both react the same way to a shot in the face.
-- Speaking of taking shots to the face...
A respected family member once told me "believe nothing you hear and half of what you see." The fact that she didn't coin the phrase doesn't minimize the truth ringing through it. With her sage instruction in mind, I'd like to offer my own slice-of-life advice to all of you:
"Believe nothing you hear, half of what you see and mind your own fucking business."
And we're off...
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Quick Thinking
--------------------- Never minimize the complicated nuances of an individual's life thinking you, as an outsider, can understand them by looking at a few online photographs.
-- Or by attempting to go through their iPhone.
-- Yes. You.
-- Password is 6447 by the way.
-- The only way Orlando has a chance against the Celtics is if they hire the Gillooly boys to go all "Tonya Harding" on Rondo's knee.
-- Why?
-- Whhy?
-- Whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy?
-- While all of us are made up of between 55 and 75 % water, most of us are made up of 100 % Haterade.
-- Keep drinking it in, y'all. Keep drinking it in.
-- Birthdays just aren't that important to me.
-- Celtics vs. Lakers in the NBA Finals is inevitable.
-- I've never seen one episode of Lost.
-- In fact, I've never even seen one minute of one episode of Lost.
-- And, thanks to Josh Elliott and ESPN, I never will.
-- People who live their lives focused on other people's lives are a sad lot.
-- Smart Water, indeed.
-- Douchebag Award of the Week goes to yours truly for, well, being a douchebag.
-- If she was my wife, I wouldn't care about earning a parking spot for off season workout participation either.
-- Quote of the Week comes from the mighty Mos Def while rhyming on Common's track Questions, "How you got high expectations but got low patience?"
-- Ponder accordingly.
-- It's a good thing Magic Johnson could play because he can't analyze a game worth shit.
-- The Boston Bruins losing both game 7 and the series after leading 3-0 in each is further proof that sports gods exist.
-- And, apparently, they're not part of Bruin Nation.
-- But neither am I.
-- At least Floyd Landis isn't bitter or anything.
-- If Landis' claims are as "bullshit" as Lance says they are, Mr. Armstrong should simply dismiss them instead of having an impromptu press conference asserting his innocence.
-- Like most things on the Internet, Mr. Skin is pretty useless. Any heterosexual worth his merit inherently remembers nude scenes of attractive starlets.
-- I've said it once and I'll say it again: John Papelbon is the proverbial albatross hanging around the neck of the Sox bullpen.
-- I'm not sure what's worse: Hooters threatening to fire employees based on weight or these "chubby" attention whores going to local news stations to complain about it.
-- Feels like a marketing ploy to me.
-- The irony, of course, is "the camera" tends to add ten pounds.
-- Memo to TMZ Nation: Pictures of newly crowed Miss America, Rima Fakih, from 2007 dancing on a stripper pole shouldn't be considered "newsworthy."
-- You show me a beauty pageant winner and I'll show you 10 guys who have pictures and/or videos of her doing things her father wouldn't approve of.
-- Shit, they should just add an "Inappropriate Media" category to all future pageants and showcase contestants' lewd and lascivious behavior.
-- Might even help with ratings, Donald.
-- Turns out LeBron's playoff performance suffered from rumors surrounding his mother's love life and not from an injured elbow as was originally speculated.
-- I mean, I get it. Would you be able to concentrate on your job if a co-worker who looked like DaLonte West was sleeping with your mom?
-- Exactly.
-- HEY YOU GUUUUYYYYSSSSSS!!!
This year's birthday finally brings me a gift I've been waiting for my entire life.
Maturity.
And for my next trick...
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Quick Thinking
------------------------- The recreational sports one plays can be a strong indicator of their age.
-- My competitive juices were firing while bowling last night.
-- On the Wii.
-- And I'm really quite sore today.
-- Douchebag Award of the Week goes to Ben Roethlisberger for, well, being a douchebag.
-- As another birthday creeps up on me, I'm thankful I've been blessed with hairpants to cover the current state of my old, saggy ass.
-- My Calvin Klein's look like a pillow case without enough pillow.
-- With a vicious 5 o'clock shadow.
-- Curt Shilling, the most recent addition to ESPN's baseball coverage crew, doesn't look like a guy who could throw a wiffle ball past my nephew, let alone be one of the most feared former aces in recent MLB history.
-- Hey, Curt, I hear Nutrisystem is in the market for a new spokesman.
-- I wonder what kind of over-the-top superlatives Johnny Most would be using for Rondo's performance this postseason.
-- Memo to all you "studs" out there: Having sex with a promiscuous girl, even a really hot one, isn't an accomplishment, fellas.
-- It's inevitable.
-- Celebrity Look A Like Award of the Week goes to yours truly for resembling Lloyd Christmas during my youth.
-- Apparently, in addition to the bowl cut, prepping for picture day in '80 involved shaving my eyebrows.
-- ESPN's ScoreCenter is my new favorite iPhone app.
-- The push notifications for "myTeams" -- Sox, Celts and Bruins -- relieve the hassle of clicking back-and-forth between channels when 2 are engaged in epic playoff battles and the other is playing in the most heated rivalry in sports.
-- I never had the chance to study "Anonymous" during my English major career at Providence College, but he or she certainly has some good quotes floating around.
-- The Bridge, a movie documenting the tragic truth that the Golden Gate Bridge is the world's suicide destination, is a sobering narrative on how fragile the human condition is.
-- Polarizing people tend to acquire a handful of lifelong friends during their journey.
-- But polarizing people also have a tendency, by their very nature, to leave a long list of enemies in their wake.
-- Someone recently told me I was polarizing.
