Quick Thinking: Mandatory Sentencing

The Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers -- with 32 Championships between them -- are squaring off in Game 7 of the NBA Finals tonight. And, while rigid rules aren't my favorite thing, tonight's event requires me to impose the following ultimatum: Any member of Guy Nation who doesn't watch Game 7 tonight forfeits their Man Card.

That's right, I said it.

I'm not going to give you a list of reasons why, fellas. The statement is self-evident. I will, however, answer one question.

Yes, in the back. What's your question?

Good grief. If I had a digital eraser I would whip it at your head. Lucky for you, even if I did, my aim isn't that great. Plus, anger is no match for the pedagogic responsibility compelling me to answer your inquiry regardless of how weak it is. After all, you're a part of Guy Nation and, as we all know, Guy Nation is only as smart as its dumbest member.

The reason these rules don't apply to women is because, well, they're women. Any effort from the sweeter sex to watch sports is a bonus for all inhabitants of Guy Nation. A major bonus, in fact.

Duh.

So, stupid questions aside, brethren, I implore you to heed my words: If you've ever attempted a urinal cake melt and you're not watching Game 7 of the NBA Finals tonight I'll be forced to revoke your Man Card.

Permanently.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The NBA is so crooked I almost feel bad for my bookie.

-- Almost.

-- Sometimes the best "inside joke" is the one only you know about.

-- It bothers me the hip-hop duo Pete Philly & Perquisite, along with their absolute jam Hope, featuring Talib Kweli, have flown under my radar since 2005 because of record label marketing machines that control society's music consumption.

-- But I can't turn on a radio without hearing the musical shit sandwich that is Justin Bieber.

-- Double U. Tee. Eff.

-- Epic Failure Award of the Week goes to the gentleman at Karta Bar last Thursday who, while on an obvious first date, ordered a salad with a sugar-rimmed martini glass chaser while the attractive young lady he dined with was served a burger and scotch on the rocks.

-- True story.

-- Memo to All the Ladies: Hitting the treadmill wearing a sports bra may be uncomfortable on hot & humid days but at least you never have to worry about your balls sticking to your leg.

-- And then sitting on them.

-- Ouchie.

-- I'd take "bouncing" pain over the "getting sat on" variety any day of the week.

-- Allowing others to be correct when predicting your behavior provides them with a false sense of intelligence that is easily manipulated.

-- I hope Joe Montana is getting a hefty check from Sketchers for their new marketing campaign because he tarnishes his legacy with every commercial I see.

-- I don't think a man with unusually small hands can really be considered a man.

-- A Man Card can't be bigger than the man hands holding it, chief.

-- Celebrity Look A Like of the Week goes to Pau Gasol for looking like a real life version of Abu from Disney's Aladdin.



-- After fielding the question for nearly 20 years I need to say - once and for all - I am, unequivocally, an ass man.

-- And, no. Not in a gay way.

-- Unless, of course, it's really cold outside.

-- Brrrr.