Patriot Reined

While never possessing any skills of my own, I've heard time and time again how they tend to diminish. And, when they do, it's a rapid decent. After watching that massacre in Arrowhead Stadium last night, it seems that time has come for the beloved leader of Patriot Nation: Tom Brady.

Thanks for the Championship memories, Tom. You've given an entire fan base the greatest gift we could ask for: a championship dynasty. Not only did you have one of the greatest careers in NFL history, your winning pedigree gifted surrounding players and coaches alike opportunities -- along with contracts -- they would have never secured otherwise. 

And your assist legacy doesn't end there. 

Women in bars across America felt such a tingle in their collective pink parts watching you play, they would turn to the closest Patriot-hat-wearing-man-with-scruff in their proximity for immediate gratification. And we're not talking about plain Janes here, Mr. Brady. We're talking about girls as intimidatingly beautiful as your offensive output was in 2007. I mean, let's face it, an entire generation of boys and girls in the New England area named Brady have you to thank: both for their name and the preceding 9-month "opportunity" to provide said name.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

Trust me. I wouldn't have met my wife without your help. She still has me wear the hat in bed while calling me "Tom" on occasion. 

True story.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

All in all, it was an epic run, Tom. But your time has passed. 

Just ask Derek Jeter. 

#RET12E

Classic Distraction Tactic

Dear Boston Red Sox,

It would have made more sense if Jeter's infamous list of ex-girlfriends were paraded on the field -- including Alba, Biel, Johansson, Banks & Ms. Minka -- as a farewell gesture for yesterday's curtain call. 

Would have made the event more watchable, too. They certainly have more of a connection to him than the likes of Brown and Pierce. Even his one-night conquests do. 

With break up gift bags to boot. #yeahjeets 

Thanks for punctuating a season riddled with failure with yet another one. Can't wait to see you bring in Joe Namath, BoZo the Clown & Karl Malone when it's Papi's turn. #re2pect

Sincerely, 
Sox Nation

Quick Thinking: Obvious Isn't Always Obvious

It's not always easy to calm the noise that is life, dear readers. It's nearly impossible most of the time. But doing so is a very necessary part of maintaining happiness.

Paramount, actually.

So my advice today is simple: take a moment and think about what solely makes YOU happy. It could be a hug from that special person, it could be a song, it could be a favorite TV show, it could be talking to a favorite family member, it could be chocolate cake, it could taking a long shower, it could be running in the rain, it could be riding a motorcycle, it could dressing like a clown…it could be anything, really. 

Whatever it is, embrace that shit. Because when you lose self happiness you'll never find it anywhere else.

Regardless of how hard you look.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The viral story that won't go away starring a man attending Comic Con tripping on 'shrooms and texting a girlfriend the experience is faker than his girlfriend.

-- Question of the Week: How much revenue did the computer & video game industry generate in 2013? (Answer near bottom of blog)

-- Here's a hint: it was 10.5 billion in 2009.

-- And the number has mos definitely gone up.

-- No, that's not a typo.

-- Speaking of bullshit stories, LeBron claiming his summer weight loss is the result of a "carb-cutting diet" is the biggest sports-related lie since Orioles' Brady Anderson credited "sideburns" for his sudden hitting power in the 90's. 

-- Quote of the Week goes to Nolan Bushnell, the man who brought us Atari, for saying "Everyone who has ever taken a shower has had an idea. It's the person who gets out of the shower, dries off, and does something about it that makes a difference."

-- Preaching to the choir, Nolan. Preaching to the choir.

-- By the way, thanks for gifting me a way to defeat my older brothers at something competitive during my formative years.

-- Oh, and for providing a spark for the early development of my trash talking skillz.

-- That's right, skills to the "z."

-- I was UNSTOPPABLE at Dig Dug, Stampede & Keystone Kapers. 

-- The ass-kickings I took following their embarrassing loses were well worth the resulting therapy bills.

-- Video Games: The Movie is an insightful little documentary detailing the birth of the gaming industry that dominates our popular culture today. 

-- Answer of the Week: 24.8 billion dollars.

-- For perspective, that number is nearly 3 times what the NFL generated in 2013.

-- Sounds strange when you read it aloud. Try it, "In 2013, the gaming industry generated 3 times the revenue of the National Football League, the most lucrative sport in American history."

-- It's a full blow Geek Apocalypse up in here, y'all.

-- Get on board or perish.

-- Braaaains.

Quick Thinking: Perspective

As the world continues to rally around FIFA World Cup soccer, even with team USA winning, I'm reminded of how little the sport interests me. I'm also reminded by every media outlet and sports talk caller that "soccer is going to take over in the US soon" and I "just don't get it." 

I do get it, though. 

Soccer isn't as big in the USA as other parts of the 
world -- and NEVER will be -- because we have other sports to distract us. The majority of countries aren't afforded the same variety so they focus on what they have: futbol.

It's all about your location specific point-of-view, I suppose.

Just like Chief Brody, the water-fearing protagonist who lives on an island, says in Jaws, "It's only an island if you look at from the water."

Exactly, Chief.

Exactly.  

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Quick Thinking
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-- Sometimes I feel like a left-handed handshake in a right-handed handshake world.

-- Extend your left hand for your next 5 handshakes if you're having difficulty grasping what I mean.

-- No pun intended.

-- Listening to Papi pout is getting real old.

-- Having official scorers "change their minds" when he does is getting even older.

-- Watching Papi hit game winning home runs, however, never will.

-- TWO DOTS is the greatest puzzle game to hit a handheld device since Tetris hit Nintendo's Game Boy.

-- Speaking of Tetris, 789,550 was my record score in high school.

-- Yes, I still remember it.

-- And, no, I didn't have many friends.

-- All the talk surrounding The Washington Redskins logo feels manufactured.

-- Watching the 2014 FIFA World Cup has taught me one very important fact: soccer fans are less about passion and more about patience.

-- And you can take my word for it because I know the difference between patience and passion. 

-- After all, I haven't gotten a blow job since the last World Cup.

-- True story.

-- The summer of "where will Bron Bron land?" has officially begun.

-- Celtic Green would bring his eyes out.

-- Too bad Rondo is known league wide as a shitty teammate.

-- Rondo aside, I would guess he'll go to LA for the glitz and glamour.

-- The story of Red Sox employee Jack Lanzillotti and his girlfriend Jessica getting killed this weekend when a car accident crossed the corner they were standing on is further proof that this can all be snatched away from us in a flash, y'all.

-- It's also further proof that we only get one shot at this.

-- So make sure you're living the life you want and not the one you pretend you want.

-- Unless you're watching Yo Gabba Gabba, of course.

-- So yummy. So yummy.

Quick Thinking: Finish Lined

The recent "hot button topic" in MLB implying there aren't enough black players in baseball as a result of racism is tired and irresponsible. There's a lower number of young black players in the league because the sport, as a whole, doesn't appeal to young fans.

Even the most ardent fans are tired of the patient-at-the-plate-pitch-count-raising tactics of players resulting in 4 or 5 hour games. Kids grow up -- regardless of race -- wanting to "be" that favorite player they watch on TV. And none of them are watching baseball players.

Don't complicate a problem with the race card, media, because it deflects attention from what the real issue is.

Baseball simply isn't fun to watch anymore.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Gary Busey's teeth give me nightmares.



-- But I love his commercial for Amazon's Fire TV.

-- Hello Lamp.

-- With a global pig pile of tragedy on top of natural disaster on top of political strife, you'd have to be asleep at the wheel to not realize the world seems to be going to shit.

-- Profound, I know.

-- Unfortunately, most of us are too busy being consumed by social media, petty selfishness, "smart" phones and selfies to realize the severity of it.

-- Monday's 118th Boston Marathon is the most important freedom movement to hit the city since Paul Revere's ride on April 18th, 1775.

-- Tiger Woods will never win another major championship.

-- Believe it.

-- Last night's 30-for-30 on EPSN detailing the ascension and eventual decline of the Detriot Pistons in the late 80's and early 90's is the best I've seen since last year's Jimmy V inspired Survive and Advance.

-- It also reminded me of the NBA's linebacker mentality that shaped the way I played the game.

-- In my defense, it seemed wrong not to use my fouls every game.

-- Or draw blood trying.

Quick Thinking: Debatable

I'm beginning to learn my core belief system in life needs to be refined.

And not because someone is asking me to "grow" in a way adults are supposed to or because an ultimatum has been issued or because I had some life changing event. I'm not rethinking my belief system for any of those things.

I'm reassessing things in my life because I look around at all the surrounding charters and I feel it's time I not only expected more out of them, but also out of me. Higher standards aren't a bad thing, y'all.

Time to embrace them. 

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Quick Thinking 
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-- The only thing Jerry Remy is guilty of is being a parent.

-- Which, for those of us who are, is a job motivated largely by guilt to begin with.

-- And there's no word for what his son is.

-- Performance enhancing drugs are a main ingredient in the success -- and resulting profitability -- of any major sport.

-- Just ask the NFL about why they haven't begun testing for HGH if you don't believe me.

-- But, hey, at least they got the whole raising the goal post crossbar so players can't do any celebratory dunks following a touchdown thing taken care of.

-- It was ruining the game.

-- Speaking of performance enhancing drugs, am I the only one who thinks our beloved "Big Papi" was crying for a contract extension before the start of the season because he's not taking PEDs anymore as a result of MLB's stricter "biological passport" testing guidelines?

-- Kobe Bryant jumping over an Ashton Martin was more believable than Johnny Manziel's recent  "dunk" video.

-- I mean, seriously, the nerf hoop in my room as a kid was higher than his "regulation" rim.

-- The Ides of March have nothing on Winter's continued bullying of Spring.

-- Approved Rules Proposal 9 gives the NFL a centralized hub to aid (read: control) the replay process of each game from their New York corporate offices.

-- The.

-- Fix.

-- Is.

-- In. 

-- "Conscious uncoupling" is the dumbest PR word to be born out of our society's fixation on celebrity couples since "Bennifer."

-- Actually, I take that back, "Bennifer" was some of Mr. Affleck's and Ms. Lopez's best work in 2003.

-- Second only to the movie Gigli, of course.

Quick Thinking: Sacrificial Lamb

After a week of deliberation, I've decided not to make any sacrifices for this Lent season. Or any future Lent season, for that matter. I've accepted the fact that Hell is just part of my final destination itinerary at this point. Ain't nothing changing that.

Regardless of how much chocolate I give up for 40 days.

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Quick Thinking
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-- I'd rather live my life wondering what random fictional character, celebrity or geographic formation I would be than answer a series of social media quizzes telling me the definitive answer.

-- What if I got Nicholas Cage?


-- Or Jar Jar Binks?


-- I couldn't live with that.

-- Speaking of celebrities, Quote of the Week honors are bestowed to Benjamin Franklin for being credited with saying, "Any fool can complain, criticize and condemn -- and most fools do."

-- My man Ben was way ahead of his time.

-- He could also fly a mean kite.

-- Replace "fool" with "politician" and you'll get the modern day version of his message.   

-- Think about it.

-- PC may have 20 wins for the first time in a decade and be my alma mater, but I just don't think they're a legitimate tourney team.

-- Yesterday's signing of Darelle Revis is reported to have been a move "over a year in the making" by Mr. Belichick.

-- The man is playing chess, y'all.

-- The rest are playing checkers.

-- Word is he's close to signing the embattled Brandon Browner to anchor the other side of his secondary.

-- Can't wait for the accompanying "Team Bro-ner" t-shirts from that idiot mogul over at Barstool Sports following the signing.

Quick Thinking: Ring True

As a writer, I make it a habit to construct stories about nearly every person who crosses my path. It's a reflex of sorts. And, while I typically practice such constructions as a comedic interlude to my life, I'm acutely aware most situations I read aren't really what I think they are. Some situations are, I'm sure.

But most certainly are not.

A practical example of what I'm talking about, dear readers, would be that "lucky lady" wearing some serious bling-bling on her left ring finger over there. The fair "read" of most upon seeing said woman: she has found a man (or woman) that loves her enough to invest in such an exuberant outward sign of shared love and commitment. When my read would be the ring is a probably a symbol of constant infidelity getting muddled with increasing diamond sized apologies. (Lucky, indeed.)

The obvious reality is both "reads" are most likely inaccurate.

The moral: try not to make judgments and assumptions about individuals because their reality -- the only truth that really matters to them -- is something you probably know very little about. And could understand even less.

Unless, of course, you're a writer.

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Quick Thinking
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-- It's comical to me that Michael Sam's sexuality is a point of discussion as an NFL locker room distraction. Professional female athlete's with different sexual preferences have been sharing locker rooms for years.

-- Without incident.

-- And without the accompanying media circus, too.

-- Be professional and act like you've been there before, NFL, and I promise none of you straight players with catch "the gay" from Mr. Sam.

-- Unless you're already fabulous.

-- Or, rather…faaab-u-louuuussssssss!

-- True Detective is the smartest written show on television.

-- Think of it as the exact opposite of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

--  Zombies have officially sold out.

-- Jimmy Fallon is about as likable and nonthreatening as the male species can get while crushing his new Tonight Show gig.

-- And having old, white TV executives approve my favorite band of all time, The Roots, to continue as his house band is testament to social progression.



-- Believe it. 

-- The Providence College Friar's basketball team is "almost" nationally relevant.

-- And you know what they say about "almost," don't you?

-- Exactly.