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This is my 100th blog, folks.
No applause necessary.
In the scheme of things, I don't even know what that means. What I do know, however, is that my writing has evolved into a compulsion of sorts and the dream of doing it professionally is stronger than ever.
Until something better comes along, anyway.
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Quick Thinking
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-- Obscure News Conference Soundbite of the Week That You Need to Hear comes from the Golden Boy of Patriot Nation when asked by a reporter, "Did you hear the Jets were gonna win the Super Bowl?". (Scroll to the 8:50 mark) His response was, "The Jets? They....yeah. Well we've heard that for a few years, so..."
-- But you and I both know what he wanted to say was, "The Jets? They can go fuck themselves."
-- I really wish he would have said it, too. I mean someone on the Patriots' side needs to start talking shit. And who better than 3-time Super Bowl Champion Tom Brady?
-- The verbal bitch slap subtlety buried in his response to the follow up question was even better. (I won't ruin the surprise. You can open that present yourself.)
-- Jurassic 5 alum Chali 2na's new single effort, Lock Shit Down feat. Talib Kweli, is ill.
-- And I'm not just talking about the baseline, y'all. (Which is) I'm talking the entire package. Take 3:34 out of your life and dig on the visuals in the video.
-- Sometimes knowing you can do something is better than actually doing it.
-- Except when it comes to farting, of course.
-- Quote of the Week goes to yours truly for answering a colleague's, um, "personal" question concerning my surgically repaired arm strength with the following response, "I'm not worried about my arm strength, Jose. That's what dogs and peanut butter are for."
-- All the fantasy football hype has me wondering: what are my fantasy projections for this season?
-- I'm guessing 4,387 smart ass comments, 44 blogs, 17 facebook defriendings, 3 arguments, 4 shoving matches and 1 death threat for a projected 316 fantasy points.
-- Those are 1st round draft worthy stats, bitches!
-- Heartache of the Week Award goes to Burger King for changing Ad Agencies and dumping "The King" mascot.
-- Mel Brooks, we turn our broken hearts to you.
-- Nothing I'll miss more than the sweet oil of Flame Body Spray.
-- That's right, I said it. The essence of hot beef was a big hit with the ladies.
-- And was deadly with a jar of peanut butter at the pound.
Trying to find the Least Funny Fan of the Most Interesting Man (or LFFMIM for short) is no easy task, dear readers. Trust me. While I found hundreds of viable candidates during my search over the past 7 days, I may have bitten off more than I could chew attempting to crown a new winner each week.
I think I'm gonna need some interns.
And not only to work through the fan inspired drivel on the Dos Equis facebook page. But the more I read the more I fear contracting stupidity via osmosis and interns would be the perfect line of defense helping prevent that.
I'm full on stupid as it is.
I'm mean, seriously, the posts are so bad you can actually taste the idiocy that inspired them. It's palpable. Just like when someone farts near you and it ends up in your mouth a little bit. Only minus the shit particles.
But no less harmful.
Below are some of this week's unwitting contestants.
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Andre actually earns an LFFMIM Honorable Mention for his entry. Maybe it's because I have a soft spot for basketball quips. Or maybe it's because the pain of Magic Johnson's sky hook from Game 4 of the 1987 NBA Finals still haunts me.
Name recognition alone earned McJaks a spot on this week's list. Not only do I see Mr. Lewis as a recurring character in my blog but I plan on using his namesake as the default nickname for strangers. Standbys like "Buddy", "Sport" and, my favorite, "Chief" pale next to the incomparable "McJaks."
And this week's winner is Mr. Daniel Olsen. His posts are so dumbing that I couldn't pick just one. (They resonate better as a group, anyway.) In all honestly, I don't even know what these comments mean. Except the one about the Glass Chess Board of Death, of course.
Keep trying to be funny on the Dos Equis facebook page, my friends.
Whenever I find myself in need of a laugh I head over to the Dos Equis facebook page and, with each visit, I unearth a booty of comedy gold.
Lines from The Most Interesting Man in the World fans like, "On his feet he wears Dos Sockies" and "He literally made a silk purse out of a sow's ear" are the envy of comedy writers everywhere.
And they always put me in a good mood.
I've decided I can no longer keep this treasure trove to myself, dear readers. I'm going to share my favorites with you every week in a little blog I like to call, "The Search for the Least Funny Fan of the Most Interesting Man in the World."
Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?
My only hope is that you, too, may find a similar nugget of life's balance in Dos Equis Nation that I have.
To get us started this week, I'm simply going to show you a random sampling of the page void of any quips, dissection or breakdown. In future blogs I'm sure I'll have something to say about whichever fan posted comments I decide are the least funny for that particular week but, for today, I'll let them stand on their own merit.
You're about to discover why.
Keep trying to be funny on the Dos Equis facebook page, my friends.
I spent my formidable years, specifically grades 1 thru 8, tucked away in the booming metropolis of Central Falls attending Holy Trinity School.
The city had more cash back then.
What we also had was a CYO basketball team called the Holy Trinity Blue Demons. That's right, baby. The Blue Demons. We even had yellow t-shirts with the little blue dude on the front. Think Duke's Blue Devils. (pictured below)
But without the dumb ass C-target. (pictured above)
The problem is simple: very few people seem to remember my childhood CYO team's mascot. Even worse still, there seems to be zero proof that the little demon even existed.
And that's where you come in, dear readers.
I'm offering a bounty to any of my Holy Trinity alums who have proof that we were, in fact, the Blue Demons.
If you have a picture of someone wearing the t-shirt I speak of, I'll reward you with 100 bucks. But, if you have an intact version of the t-shirt stashed away in your parents basement that you can give me, I'll had over 250 buck-a-roos.
No joke.
The rules are simple pretty simple, folks. First come, first rewarded.
Let the games begin.
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Quick Thinking
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-- Reason # 1,459,340,209 this Country has Been Downgraded to AA Status: A petition has been started by one Lair Scott urging support for Bert & Ernie to marry.
-- True story.
-- I'm sorry you got beat as a kid and all, Lair, but how can you think there's a valuable message of tolerance in two Sesame Street characters, who only exist when they have some person's hand up their ass, exchanging vows?
-- Let's not over complicate things, y'all. Bert & Ernie are fucking puppets with poor fashion sense who sing songs about rubber duckies and teach kids how to count. Not advocates for educating kids about alternative lifestyles.
-- That's what parents are for.
-- I love everything Mr. Kraft has done for Patriot Nation and for football but, seriously, why does he always sound like the local drunk during interviews?
-- Speaking of football, isn't the preseason like your favorite booty call? You miss her terribly when she's not around but you don't really pay attention to her when she is.
-- I recently read it takes the average user a mere 3.5 seconds to decide the value of a newly visited web site.
-- Makes you wonder if the "Internet" is contributing to our nation's continued ADD epidemic.
-- And, as my boy K.!.D. points out, that's barely enough time to ejaculate.
-- Unless, of course, you're giving the cheerleading captain a thorough lollipop pants search following an away game back in 1990.
-- Don't judge me. I was nervous.
-- Plus she was really hot.
ESPN's Top 10 Plays wants you to believe the below video was filmed at Stan Van Gundy's Orlando Magic basketball camp.
But you and I both know it's unmistakeable footage of Marty Joyce running point at the Central Falls Community Center during his lunchtime workouts back in '82.
Will the wonders of CGI and the internet never cease!?
They must have edited out his trademark no-look, no-catch pass, though.
