The Morning After: Apology 101

Dear Tiger,

Your apology, while a necessary evil to start the reconstruction of your image, sounded rigid. An apology's words are secondary to the sincerity in which they are delivered and, unfortunately, your statement had a robotic tone void of any real emotion.

Probity isn't always enough.

Listen, Eldrich, you're the most powerful athlete in the world and you, along with the rest of us, are acutely aware of that fact. You were hampered by your father with the stresses of adulthood before you were even an adult. And, while those stresses have shaped your golfing skills, the metamorphosis from "boy" to "greatest golfer in the world" has come at a cost.

And that cost was your childhood.

Growing up tall, lanky and "geeky" -- with the braces and glasses -- I'm sure you weren't too popular with the ladies and didn't get to experience the normal adolescent fumblings in the back seats of cars like the rest of us. But now that you're the most powerful, most recognizable athlete in the world you feel entitled to indulge in all the women throwing themselves at you because of everything you sacrificed in the past.

We get it.

But understanding the "why" doesn't mean you don't have things to be sorry for, Tigger. What it does mean is that you don't have to apologize to us, the fans. Apologize to your family, to your wife, your kids and, to a certain extent, your business partners. But stop apologizing to the public.

You don't owe me, or any other golf fan for that matter, an explanation. Our relationship has never been intimate. We've always been the folks pestering you for an autograph, snapping pictures of you in your back swing, and being accosted by your caddy for doing so.

We watch you play. We watch you win. That's it.

Once you start playing and winning again we'll forget about your infidelity; but your family never will. All the tournament victories and broken records won't erase their experienced hardship. So don't worry about us, Tiger.

Don't worry about staged "statements" to repair your image. Don't worry about asking us to have faith in you again. Don't worry about informing us of your renewed faith. Don't worry about what the public thinks of you. Do worry about your family, though, because the rest is only noise. Just be sure you're actions and words are sincere towards them.

Preferably without a hideous blue curtain behind you.

Good Luck,
Sports & Thoughts

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Quick Thinking
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-- What the hell ever happened to Shea Hillenbrand?

-- White Knuckle Award of the Week goes to Pamela Anderson for, um, obvious reasons.



-- Let it go, Pam.

-- Let. It. Go.

-- The Central Falls High School labor fiasco is further proof that the city I grew up in has almost entirely collapsed.

-- What else do you expect from a city once labeled "Sparkle City?"

-- Let's look at the bright side, though. At least we have a national audience watching as we crumble.

-- Every athlete should take notes on how well embattled Red Sox third baseman Mike Lowell has handled himself over the past 2 years amidst failed trades & trade rumors.

-- Tim Tebow 2.0 still won't be good enough to be an effective NFL quarterback.

-- Neither would Tebow 3.0.

-- Or 4.0 for that matter.

-- LaDainian Tomlinson is another in long line of great running backs that will make the NFL Hall of Fame without the taste of victory only afforded by winning a championship.

-- Bar Refaeli in a bikini is exhibit # 4,555,568,300,495,144 that God is, most definitely, a Man.



-- And, apparently, He's a Red Sox fan.

-- WICKED PISSAH!!!

-- Where have you gone Tony Kornheiser? PTI Nation turns their lonely eyes to you.

-- According to the Hurwitz James Company, the safest house in the world, located in Beverly Hills, CA., is on the market for a mere $7.25 million.

-- It just moved atop my list of "destination spots" during the impending Zombie Apocalypse.

-- Speaking of the Zombie Apocalypse, a new movie tackling that genre called The Crazies comes out Friday.

-- I'm curious to see how many of my ex-girlfriends are starring in it.

-- BLAMMO!

-- Mosi Tatupu, a pre-Patriot Nation fan favorite from '78-'90 & pioneer for today's Hawaiian football talent hotbed, passed away yesterday at the age of 54. I'd like to take a moment and extend my sincere condolences to his family.

The Morning After: Waiting Game

We find ourselves in the midst of our calendar's biggest sports lull this week, dear readers. The Super Bowl has come and gone. NBA teams are in neutral until the playoffs. Baseball is on the horizon but offers no competitive release until March. College basketball is nothing until the Madness begins. The Olympics has lost its shine. And hockey simply doesn't count.

But, hey, at least golf season has started.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The talent and skill level of Olympic skiers can't be fully appreciated through television broadcasts.

-- Hyperbole Award of the Week goes to Tom Verducci for this excerpt from The Yankee Years describing Derek Jeter's infamous "Flip Play" out against Oakland in the 2001 ALDS:

"Jeter made a play that only could have been made by a player with supreme alertness, the mental computing power to quickly crunch the advanced baseball calculus needed to process the trajectory and speed of Spencer's throw and the speed and location of a runner behind his back, and the athletic and improvisational skills while running in a direction opposite to the plate."

-- I guess "He just got lucky" didn't read as well.

-- ...then Jeter looked at what he had done and saw it was good. And, in the bottom of the 7th, he rested from all his work...

-- Good grief.

-- Question of the Week: What is the longest running sporting event in the United States?

-- Here's a hint: the Westminster Dog Show places second.

-- Since when is parading dogs with names like "Flornell Spicy Bit of Halleston" & "Rock Ridge Night Rocket" around in a circle on a cheesy stage considered a sport?

-- Wonder where "stripping" places on that list...

-- Wakka, wakka, wakka.

-- If Curling is seriously considered an Olympic sport than I'm officially starting a petition to get Team Flip Cup and Beer Pong in the 2014 Games.

-- Nothing says "I Love You" on Valentine's Day more than a Snapped marathon on Oxygen.

-- Live Out Loud, right?

-- Or, better yet, Kill Your Husband and Live Out Loud After Collecting His Life Insurance Policy.

-- Opening Day can't get here fast enough.

-- Answer of the Week: The Kentucky Derby.

-- Skinny jeans and knee high boots are a girl's best friend during the winter months.

-- Oversized sunglasses, for obvious reasons, are a close second.

-- If you don't like sleep walking through life than you need to watch Loose Change 9/11: An American Coup.

-- Ask Questions. Demand Answers.

-- Oh, and make sure those S's are crisp!

The Morning After: Humble Pie

The NFL is a quarterback driven league. With that in mind, I figured the quarterback who seemed to be playing the best football of his career would lead his team to a Super Bowl XLIV victory.

I was wrong, dear readers. Dead wrong.

While the Colts' loss may have hurt my prognosticating pride it also helped put an end to the "Brady vs. Manning Quarterback of the Decade" debate monopolizing local airwaves lately.

Wait, what's that? You don't think the debate is over? Really?

This is an obvious one, faithful followers, but I'll play along. In sports, greatness is measure by one thing and one thing only: championships. Tom Brady brought New England 3 this decade while Manning captured 1. In addition, Brady has posted a 14-4 playoff record in his career with Manning only managing a pedestrian 9-9 record over that same span.

The math is just too easy.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Phil Mickelson, Tiger's arch enemy on the links, publicly calling for Woods' return tells you all you need to know about how important Eldrich is to the game of golf.

-- Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints for winning Super Bowl XLIV and bringing home the first championship in franchise history.

-- Soak it in, New Orleans. Soak it in.

-- Mr. NFL's simulations of big plays from NFL games using a Tecmo Bowl emulator is the best thing on the internet that you don't know about.

-- Useless Tidbit of the Week: Emmanuelle Chriqui has usurped Jennifer Anniston from atop my 2010 "Celebrity Crush" list.


-- Add me to the group of guys who traded Ms. Anniston in for a different model.

-- So much for being original.

-- Speaking of not being original, I can't believe I fell victim to Peyton Manning's PR Machine and thought he was good enough to carry his team to a Super Bowl victory.

-- I should have know better after witnessing the birth of the "Manning Face" against New England in 2004.

-- It will NOT happen again.

-- Kevin Durant is fulfilling his promise as the number 2 pick in the 2007 NBA Draft and emerging as the best young player in the league.

-- While somewhere in Portland Greg "Tripod" Oden is sexting his new girlfriend.

-- Did someone say baseball season?

-- It's not about winning every game, y'all. It's about winning the last game.

-- Just ask the Saints.

-- And the 2007 New England Patriots.

-- Can someone please put the Danika Patrick bandwagon into the wall?

-- Thanks in advance.

-- In case you missed it, Brooklyn Decker landed the coveted Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover.



-- Good luck living in the shadow of your wife's new found fame, Mr. Roddick.

-- Celebrity Look A Like Award of the Week goes to big brother Timothy for looking like the artistic Todd Cleary from Wedding Crashers.



-- He's sexual and violent.

-- Did you see "King" LeBron James kick a water bottle into the stands out of frustration last week?

-- I guess Bill Shakespeare was right: Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown not yet earned by winning an NBA Championship.

-- I'm thankful McMickelson chose to use an "illegal" club in an effort to steal headlines from Tiger instead of the obvious alternative: Releasing a sex tape.

-- I like your moxy, Phil.

-- But, even in cheating, you're second best.

Prognosticate This

I think we all know the main question circulating locker rooms across America today, dear readers.

No, Erik, not that question.

Let me try and clarify a few things before moving on. First, I meant the "we" as a collective group of sports fans gearing up for today's Super Bowl as opposed to a group of guys drying their unmentionables with small white towels. Second, the opening sentence was to serve as more of a rhetorical statement than an actual question. And last, but certainly not least, even if I was being literal about locker room questions never shout that one out. Ever.

So you know, though, jock itch and herpes are very, very different things. Please treat accordingly if you're seriously questioning that. Oh, and you can keep that towel I let you borrow last week.

Moving right along.

I don't have much in the way of pithy comments or witty insight on the biggest sporting event day of the year. What I do have, however, is a gut feeling that the Colts are going to win by 2 scores. The facts are simply too obvious to deny, dear readers: Peyton Manning is the best quarterback in football and he will not be denied another Super Bowl trophy today.

Colts: 45
Saints: 31

The Morning After: Then There Were Two

The best thing about NFL Championship Sunday was the foreseeable blunder of Brett Favre when the game was on the line. While Mr. Favre's career numbers with Green Bay, New York and Minnesota may be enviable, his propensity to fail those teams in big spots is not.

Consider the interceptions karmic punishment from the sports gods, dear readers. Punishment for holding teams hostage in the previous years as Brett pondered retirement. Punishment for feeding his ego by creating a media frenzy following every indecisive day. Punishment for biding his time with the Jets so he could be signed by the Vikings to exact revenge on the Packers for his dishonorable discharge. His habitual miscues are a clear message from the sports gods' that one man's need to repair his ego is not bigger than the game.

I hope Brett is listening this off-season.

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Quick Thinking
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-- J-E-T-S...suck, Suck, SUCK!

-- Scheduling Note: The Pro-Bowl will be played on Sunday, January 31st at 7:30 pm.

-- Ignore accordingly.

-- PC Basketball seems to have taken a big step back after last year's promising season.

-- With apologies to all the folks who would've loved to reciprocate an elbow, push or flagrant foul that wasn't whistled, the pain in my titanium-laced joints has finally forced me into basketball retirement.

-- That groan you just heard was from Big Nick because he knows he'll have to do all the dirty work now.

-- Am I the only one that feels a sense of accomplishment after clogging a toilet?

-- The NFL's two best teams are in the Super Bowl.

-- Brett Favre won't retire this time for the same reason he couldn't retire all those other times: He doesn't want his last play from scrimmage to be an interception that led to an NFC Championship loss.

-- You know what they say, Brett - once is an accident, twice is a coincidence and three times is a trend. Your capacity for choking when the stakes are at their highest is a trend.

-- And not the kind that people want to copy.

-- Oh, and as me and my boy Mac were texting following your recent choke Sunday, we hope Desmond Howard and Drew Bledsoe are still on your Christmas card list for that Super Bowl XXXI victory.

-- Simple As... is another head bobbin' jam from Kid Cudi.

-- But not in a gay way.

-- Glen Davis would like to shed the "Big Baby" moniker in place of being called "Uno Uno."

-- I know, right?

-- Seeing old friends is the best way to remember how easy life used to be.

-- While seeing old friends' pictures of you is the best way to remember the name of the barber you no longer go to.

-- It makes me a little sad that because of Jersey Shore the disparity between New Jersey douche bags and Rhode Island douche bags no longer exists.

-- Each character on that show exceed all acceptable levels of douchebagery.

-- Wouldn't you agree, Erik?

-- And those who watch it are a special kind of "wannabe" douche bags.

-- That's right, I said it.

-- Painful Reality Check of the Week: It appears Tom Brady's work ethic & Peyton Manning's whining have switched places.

-- When The Game Was Ours by Larry Bird & Magic Johnson, with help from Jackie McMullen, is an insightful look into the basketball landscape of the late 70's, 80's and early 90's.

-- Quote of the Week is credited to Larry Bird, from page 47 of said book, in response to how he felt about his Indiana State teammates being jealous of all the attention he received in college, "Hell, I'm jealous of them too. I'm jealous because I never got to play with a Larry Bird."

-- Tough to argue with that.

-- The book also tells the story of how the foundation for the basketball world we know today was created.

-- Thanks Magic.

-- Thanks Larry.

-- Despite this creepy commercial.

Too Soon?

Bitter break-ups are all around us, dear readers. Entertainment television and grocery store magazine racks inundate us with images of celebrity relationships gone sour. And, if that wasn't reminder enough, we see it occur with friends and family members in our everyday lives.

Even late night TV, a place of comedic respite for viewers winding down from a long day, is currently entrenched in a relationship controversy. NBC plans to send Conan O'Brien packing, with a rumored settlement check of $45 million dollars in his pocket, after only 7 months as host of the Tonight Show.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

Can you believe NBC wants Conan gone so badly they're paying him so much to do so?

I can't.

On the off chance you read this, Conan, I would like to offer a sincere thank you for all the ridiculous characters and bits you introduced to the world during your television career. I'll miss the hair, Vomiting Kermit, Pimpbot 5000, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, La Bamba, Andy's Little Sister, Joel Godard, Mr. T, Bob Dole, Conando, Wax Tom Cruise & Fonz, Horny Manatee, Recliner of Rage and In the Year 2000.

But I'll miss you most of all, Masterbating Bear.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

With Conan's final show and the age old adages of "laughter is the best medicine" & "time heals all wounds" serving as my inspiration -- or justification -- I feel it's time I'm allowed a humorous public quip, which I created on someecards.com, concerning my failed marriage from nearly 7 years ago.

If I'm wrong and it's still too soon I suppose I'll be the guy checking IDs in hell. I really hope I'm not, though. Because, with my perspiration issues, eternity will be one endless underarm sweat stain.



Some might call it cold-hearted. Others will consider it cathartic.

I agree with the latter.

The Morning After: And So It Goes...

This year's NFL Playoffs have reinforced the age old adage that, in the football game of life, the apple certainly does not fall far from the tree. Or, more specifically, a team's performance always reflects their coach's personality.

Always.

Listen, dear readers. I could go down the entire list of 2009 Playoff coaches and their respective team's on field play to help prove a point. But, I feel that would be a waste of time because the opening statement is self-evident. I'm simply trying to highlight the importance of coach's attitude and how it effects his team's play.

People say "coaches coach and players play," implying the two are mutually exclusive. They're not. NFL coaches and players personify the definition of a co-dependent relationship where each amplifies the weaknesses, and strengths, of the other.

You still want an example, don't you? Okay, I'll give in.

Let's look at our beloved New England Patriots. Coach Belichick projects a matter-of-fact attitude -- with a sprinkle of self entitlement -- and usually comes across as indifferent. And how did our team look against Baltimore last Sunday?

Exactly.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The only thing I really miss since the Patriots' season ended 10 days ago is the video web site segment Belichick Breakdown.

-- Well, that, and the fact that coach is referred to as "The Belestrator" while analyzing game film during the show.

-- Awesome nickname.

-- Helps humanize coach Belichick a little bit.

-- Blanket Memo of the Week: While we're talking about nicknames, I'd like to offer a sincere thank you to all the girls I've ever dated for never giving me the pet name "moopsie."

-- Question of the Week goes out to all the ladies in the crowd. Maybe I've been asleep at the wheel but when exactly did country music become the universal aphrodisiac?

-- Would someone please break Brett Favre's hip and put an end to the egomaniacal roller coaster that has becoming his football legacy.

-- The best golfer in the world, renowned for his mental toughness & focus, is going to therapy for sexual addiction implying he had no control over his transgressions and feels a bit disingenuous to me.

-- Wonder if Elin is buying it.

-- Would be more believable if you vanished in the Woods of Wisdom, Tiger.

-- Zen Question of the Week: If something you never really wanted in the first place decides to go away, did you still lose it?

-- The 2009 Jets remind me of the young, hungry team we were blessed with in 2001.

-- I hope you rediscover the hunger in 2010, boys.

-- Especially you, Mr. Bundchen.

-- Congratulations to Kerry Ceurvels Martin, my dear childhood friend's wife, who is being inducted into the Salve Regina Basketball Hall of Fame this weekend.

-- 1080 points and 1155 rebounds are incredible accomplishments, Worm. Enjoy the well-deserved recognition.

-- Oh, and thanks for letting me violate some of your friends during my college days.

-- Celebrity Look Alike Award of the Week goes to my cousin Joe for being the spitting image of Daddy Warbucks while wearing his tuxedo.



-- Beats looking like Punjab, brother.

-- Sage Advice of the Week goes to all my married friends out there. When you find yourself in a group of single guys engaged in "locker room talk" please don't try and contribute with stories of you and your wife's sexual escapades.

-- Ever.

-- Seriously. EV-ER.

-- It's gross.