Quick Thinking: Don't Call Me Bruce

Everywhere I turn today there's a story applauding or criticizing Ms. Jenner and her Courage Award win at the ESPYs last night.

I mean everywhere.

I understand it's a polarizing topic, y'all, but does it really need to dominate the news? Aren't there more pressing issues we should be focused on? 

And, no, I'm not talking about Brady's PSI appeal.

I'm talking about child obesity, presidential candidates, our economy, the health care & food industries investing in one another as they turn the world into patients or, rather, future clients, immigration, unemployment, the rising cost of education...I mean, shit: pick a topic. Lots of big stuff needs to be fixed, y'all.

Lots.

But we live in a world where entire countries can go broke and all we care about is how many likes we get on an Instagram post to validate our egos and sense of worth or how much cleavage Kim Kardashian flashed at her recent magazine photo shoot.

At some point we need to realize celebrity culture and reality tv shows aren't about having "guilty pleasures." They're about distracting us from the serious issues swirling around at all times. 

It's an epidemic, really. 

Unfortunately, most are simply too addicted to the pretty pictures they see on TV, Facebook feeds and smart devices while they look in the mirror to measure themselves against those same standards while ignoring bigger issues in their own lives and, ultimately, in the world.

But, hey, at least Ms. Jenner has nice tits and a pretty dress.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Making a life "decision" that results in significant earnings isn't courageous. 

-- It's business.

-- And while the media frenzy feeds our need for daily distractions, Ms. Jenner is trading awards for airtime to promote her show, up the viewership and gain more advertising dollars. 

-- You know, because she's so courageous and all.

-- There's talk Q-Tip is putting the "finishing touches" on his new album Last Zulu, which has been rumored since 2012, and it will released before the end of this year.

-- But don't hold your breath or anything. 

-- If it was a card game his shuffling would be rubbing the nuts off the Jacks.

-- And the tits off the Queens.

-- Arbitrary Note of the Week: During a recent manscaping session I realized my left vasectomy scar is in the shape of a "T" while my right one is in the shape of a "J".

-- True story.

-- Having identifiable marked balls definitely puts an end to my drive-by teabag career.

-- Truer story.

-- Quote of the Week goes to my know-it-all colleague who, when correcting a client as to a type of beer his establishment had on tap, said, "No, it's not Honey Brown beer. It should be referred to as a 'Ho-Bro' Ale."

-- The post-quote pencil drop was epic.

-- Easy to guess the Douche of the Week Award is being issued to the same guy.

-- Or should I say "Do-Bro."

-- Watching the leaderboard on this year's British Open, I'm reminded of what I wrote back in April of 2014: Tiger will never win another major. 

-- Never. 

-- Can you believe The Rocky franchise is still throwing punches with it's new movie Creed?

-- I've always been surprised it survived that ocean-splashing, mesh shirt frolic from Rocky III.

-- Or better known in some circles as Brokeback Rocky.

-- CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDD!!!

Quick Thinking: Reader's Mercy

The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, dear readers. 

Greatly exaggerated. 

I didn't retire. I didn't change careers. I didn't join the Night's Watch. And I certainly haven't stopped writing. 

I've simply changed the delivery method.

When I began this blog so many years ago the goal was to 1) make a few people laugh (if only a few) 2) become famous and 3) find my voice and practice my craft until it could pay the bills.

And, for the past 2 years, it has done just that: I get paid to name businesses, write tag lines, concept ads and write. Who knew, right?!

[SIDE NOTE: START]

The sports+thoughts concept was born on myspace.com of all places. That's right: myspace.com. Remember myspace.com? The magical place for friends? 

Of course you don't. 

For all its silliness and glorified dating-site faults, though, myspace was a place where I could write, tell you what I was listening to, give you a quote or two AND let you know what kind of mood I was in all in one place. Seemed innovative in '07 but feels a bit antiquated today. Glad to see social media has evolved into something more meaningful since then.

#sarcasm

[SIDE NOTE: END]

Admittedly, writing for "work" has taken away from me writing for "fun." I'm not talking Liam Neeson's version of taken away with a capital "T" or anything. It's certainly not that kind of violent affair. 

I do, however, still have a very particular set of skills that I haven't used on this blog for far too long, dear readers. 

Far too long. 

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Quick Thinking
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-- Living in a world where great Olympic men are really women and white is really black doesn't bother me.

-- Watching a fictional man die a fictional death in a fictional world on HBO, however, struck at the core of my belief system.

-- Clearly we, as a society, know nothing, Jon Snow.

-- I do find solace in the fact that Gandalf's death in the fictional world of Middle Earth had the same affect on me in 8th grade.

-- For those who didn't read the books, Gandalf the Grey came back to life bigger, faster and stronger.

--  And whiter, actually. 

-- Unlike Rachel Dolezal, of course.



-- Speaking of things that are really white, J.Crew recently reported a loss of 462.4 million amidst nearly 200 layoffs.

-- Insert khaki-colored punchline here. 

-- If there's one thing the Game of Thrones has taught us it's that the time between seasons is long.

-- And full of fan speculating terrors.

-- This isn't myspace.com but, for the record, I'm listening to Common featuring Mos Def on his thoughtful track The Questions.

-- Oh, and I'm in a good mood. 

-- There's no emoticon proof. You'll have to take my word for it. 

-- Quote of the Week is awarded to the same artist I'm listening to for one of the greatest song lyrics in the history of hip-hop, "How you got high expectations when you got low patience?"

-- Well said, Com. 

-- Well. 

-- Said.

-- I wanted LeBron and the Cavs to win this year. 

-- There, I said it.

-- That "become famous" line during my opening statements was a joke, by the way.

-- Or as the kid's say: btw.

-- I would fail at famous faster than I finish a slice of Gregg's chocolate cake.

-- And I finish those fast.

Open Letter: SB49

Dear "Hate the Patriots" Nation,

Your judgement is being skewed by fandom and your intelligence insulted by the media.

#Spygate wasn't about the Patriots cheating, it was about the commissioner's dented ego. #Deflategate wasn't about the Patriots cheating, it was about the Baltimore Ravens and Indianapolis Colts over-inflated sense of worth. (It was also about distracting the entire The New England Patriots organization during their preparation for the most important game of the year.)

Talk about cheating.

Bill Belichick & Tom Brady are arguably the best ever at what they do. You're simply upset because they're not part of YOUR favorite team. Admit it.

More importantly: own it. Own it, understand it and try to reflect more on how your team can improve instead of wishing for another to fail. That mindset of "misery loves company" is as unproductive as your thinking. It's childish, silly and -- worse yet -- makes you appear really quite foolish.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

And, you know what, during said rumination you'll probably realize you shouldn't be wasting your time hoping the Patriots lose. And you certainly shouldn't be wasting your time listening to news who's primary goal is to continue a news cycle of negativity. That's not productive for anyone.

Especially your favorite team.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

Greatness is typically underappreciated in "real time", y'all. The majority of us need distance to acknowledge events void of any bias. Especially when it comes to sport.

I promise you, in 20 years when NFL's "greatest of all time" debates are filled with new faces, new dynasties and new scandals, today's New England Patriots will be revered as one of the untarnished best. Too many wins doesn't mean the New England Patriots must be cheating, it means they're better than most teams today. Today. Not forever. Just today.

So stop trying to knock them down and just try to enjoy it. Because, who knows, the next dynasty the NFL sees might be yours.

And imagine what people will say about them.

Sincerely,

sports + thoughts
Unofficial Patriots Nation spokesman

Patriot Reined

While never possessing any skills of my own, I've heard time and time again how they tend to diminish. And, when they do, it's a rapid decent. After watching that massacre in Arrowhead Stadium last night, it seems that time has come for the beloved leader of Patriot Nation: Tom Brady.

Thanks for the Championship memories, Tom. You've given an entire fan base the greatest gift we could ask for: a championship dynasty. Not only did you have one of the greatest careers in NFL history, your winning pedigree gifted surrounding players and coaches alike opportunities -- along with contracts -- they would have never secured otherwise. 

And your assist legacy doesn't end there. 

Women in bars across America felt such a tingle in their collective pink parts watching you play, they would turn to the closest Patriot-hat-wearing-man-with-scruff in their proximity for immediate gratification. And we're not talking about plain Janes here, Mr. Brady. We're talking about girls as intimidatingly beautiful as your offensive output was in 2007. I mean, let's face it, an entire generation of boys and girls in the New England area named Brady have you to thank: both for their name and the preceding 9-month "opportunity" to provide said name.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

Trust me. I wouldn't have met my wife without your help. She still has me wear the hat in bed while calling me "Tom" on occasion. 

True story.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

All in all, it was an epic run, Tom. But your time has passed. 

Just ask Derek Jeter. 

#RET12E

Classic Distraction Tactic

Dear Boston Red Sox,

It would have made more sense if Jeter's infamous list of ex-girlfriends were paraded on the field -- including Alba, Biel, Johansson, Banks & Ms. Minka -- as a farewell gesture for yesterday's curtain call. 

Would have made the event more watchable, too. They certainly have more of a connection to him than the likes of Brown and Pierce. Even his one-night conquests do. 

With break up gift bags to boot. #yeahjeets 

Thanks for punctuating a season riddled with failure with yet another one. Can't wait to see you bring in Joe Namath, BoZo the Clown & Karl Malone when it's Papi's turn. #re2pect

Sincerely, 
Sox Nation

Quick Thinking: Obvious Isn't Always Obvious

It's not always easy to calm the noise that is life, dear readers. It's nearly impossible most of the time. But doing so is a very necessary part of maintaining happiness.

Paramount, actually.

So my advice today is simple: take a moment and think about what solely makes YOU happy. It could be a hug from that special person, it could be a song, it could be a favorite TV show, it could be talking to a favorite family member, it could be chocolate cake, it could taking a long shower, it could be running in the rain, it could be riding a motorcycle, it could dressing like a clown…it could be anything, really. 

Whatever it is, embrace that shit. Because when you lose self happiness you'll never find it anywhere else.

Regardless of how hard you look.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The viral story that won't go away starring a man attending Comic Con tripping on 'shrooms and texting a girlfriend the experience is faker than his girlfriend.

-- Question of the Week: How much revenue did the computer & video game industry generate in 2013? (Answer near bottom of blog)

-- Here's a hint: it was 10.5 billion in 2009.

-- And the number has mos definitely gone up.

-- No, that's not a typo.

-- Speaking of bullshit stories, LeBron claiming his summer weight loss is the result of a "carb-cutting diet" is the biggest sports-related lie since Orioles' Brady Anderson credited "sideburns" for his sudden hitting power in the 90's. 

-- Quote of the Week goes to Nolan Bushnell, the man who brought us Atari, for saying "Everyone who has ever taken a shower has had an idea. It's the person who gets out of the shower, dries off, and does something about it that makes a difference."

-- Preaching to the choir, Nolan. Preaching to the choir.

-- By the way, thanks for gifting me a way to defeat my older brothers at something competitive during my formative years.

-- Oh, and for providing a spark for the early development of my trash talking skillz.

-- That's right, skills to the "z."

-- I was UNSTOPPABLE at Dig Dug, Stampede & Keystone Kapers. 

-- The ass-kickings I took following their embarrassing loses were well worth the resulting therapy bills.

-- Video Games: The Movie is an insightful little documentary detailing the birth of the gaming industry that dominates our popular culture today. 

-- Answer of the Week: 24.8 billion dollars.

-- For perspective, that number is nearly 3 times what the NFL generated in 2013.

-- Sounds strange when you read it aloud. Try it, "In 2013, the gaming industry generated 3 times the revenue of the National Football League, the most lucrative sport in American history."

-- It's a full blow Geek Apocalypse up in here, y'all.

-- Get on board or perish.

-- Braaaains.

Quick Thinking: Perspective

As the world continues to rally around FIFA World Cup soccer, even with team USA winning, I'm reminded of how little the sport interests me. I'm also reminded by every media outlet and sports talk caller that "soccer is going to take over in the US soon" and I "just don't get it." 

I do get it, though. 

Soccer isn't as big in the USA as other parts of the 
world -- and NEVER will be -- because we have other sports to distract us. The majority of countries aren't afforded the same variety so they focus on what they have: futbol.

It's all about your location specific point-of-view, I suppose.

Just like Chief Brody, the water-fearing protagonist who lives on an island, says in Jaws, "It's only an island if you look at from the water."

Exactly, Chief.

Exactly.  

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Quick Thinking
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-- Sometimes I feel like a left-handed handshake in a right-handed handshake world.

-- Extend your left hand for your next 5 handshakes if you're having difficulty grasping what I mean.

-- No pun intended.

-- Listening to Papi pout is getting real old.

-- Having official scorers "change their minds" when he does is getting even older.

-- Watching Papi hit game winning home runs, however, never will.

-- TWO DOTS is the greatest puzzle game to hit a handheld device since Tetris hit Nintendo's Game Boy.

-- Speaking of Tetris, 789,550 was my record score in high school.

-- Yes, I still remember it.

-- And, no, I didn't have many friends.

-- All the talk surrounding The Washington Redskins logo feels manufactured.

-- Watching the 2014 FIFA World Cup has taught me one very important fact: soccer fans are less about passion and more about patience.

-- And you can take my word for it because I know the difference between patience and passion. 

-- After all, I haven't gotten a blow job since the last World Cup.

-- True story.

-- The summer of "where will Bron Bron land?" has officially begun.

-- Celtic Green would bring his eyes out.

-- Too bad Rondo is known league wide as a shitty teammate.

-- Rondo aside, I would guess he'll go to LA for the glitz and glamour.

-- The story of Red Sox employee Jack Lanzillotti and his girlfriend Jessica getting killed this weekend when a car accident crossed the corner they were standing on is further proof that this can all be snatched away from us in a flash, y'all.

-- It's also further proof that we only get one shot at this.

-- So make sure you're living the life you want and not the one you pretend you want.

-- Unless you're watching Yo Gabba Gabba, of course.

-- So yummy. So yummy.