Viva La Stool Sample!

There's a old saying that goes something like, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Unless you're asking George W., of course.

And, Georgie's interpretation notwithstanding, I need to note said famous idiom as I highlight the fact the boys over at Barstool Sports stole from me again.

Yup. Again.

They found their most recent "Guess That Ass" contestant Jessica Rafalowski, who has also become el presidente's newest favorite girl on earth, because of yours truly.

That's right, I said it.

The media powerhouse that is "El Prez" got his content from the lowly world of sports+thoughts for the second time since I answered an open job invite back in February of 2010. The proof is in my previous blog, the below pictures from his latest rape and, of course, the pudding.

Exhibit A: Posted by sports + thoughts on 6/13/12.



Exhibit B: Posted by el prez on 6/15/12.



Shameful, indeed.

Now that I think of it, there's another famous idiom that says, "Pride comes before the fall." Or maybe I'm thinking of a lesser known one that warns, "Steal from me once, shame on you. Steal from me twice, go fuck yourself."

I get them confused.

I'm not drinking the haterade, Portnoy. I get it. You're doing what all large companies do: steal from the little guy and call "dibs." I get it. It's smart business. Barstool Sports is the blueprint for what blogs can become and possesses the type of brand recognition sports+thoughts could only dream of. (Not to mention cornering the market on college girl creeping and boy wonder howitzer pictures.)

Sandusky much?

Listen, if you want to stand on the shoulders of an unknown blogger and call yourself tall, that's fine. At least have the courage to recognize the skills, chief. I may not be as well known as you are now but my success in some media capacity is inevitable and, when I achieve it, I'm gonna become the proverbial thorn in your side.

Believe it.

But, until I get there, I'll have to formulate a different plan. My gut tells me it will involve your wife, an affair, followed by cell phone pictures posted on my blog. I'm guessing she's a "good Jewish girl" but, if she's not, I'll make her one and see how strong those "dibs" calls of yours really are.

I guess you're not the only one who has a new favorite girl on earth, brother.

Game on.

Quick Thinking: Cookie Monsta

There's a group of you who have experienced Connie's Kitchen and, as a result, already know what truth lives behind the following statement: My Moms can bake. Straight up.

This blog is for those who missed that opportunity.

Connie bakes treats. And not just any kind of treats, y'all. She bakes the kind of treats that, after you eat them, you can recall with absolute clarity where you were when you first tried one, the kind of treats that make memories for you, the kind of treats that you want everyone you know to have, the kind of treats that you always crave and the kind of treats you can never have enough of.

Baking skills like you read about.

And, now that she's moving toward the next chapter of her life, Connie is going to start offering those treats to paying customers. (That's right, "Let them eat Connie's Kitchen" is right around the corner.) But, before we get the goodness out there, we need to build a brand, find a voice and raise customer awareness.

That's where me & my friends at Stebbings come in.

They bring the design heat.




See?

I bring, well...um, charm, I guess. (Actually, I don't bring much charm.)

I can bring some word skills at times, though.

With that in mind, below is a draft of the product blurbs and voice I've constructed to go along with Stebbings logo for Connie's new venture. Her baking chops may have passed me by, but the skill of molding everyday ingredients into something consumable for the masses has not.

Sweet.

#himom

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Connie's Kitchen Thinking
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COOKIES

Chocolate Chip

The world’s most recognized cookie mixed with a dash of our secret ingredient: Connie’s TLC™.

And, trust us, that makes all the difference.

Chocolate Crinkles

Chocolate deliciousness showered in powdered sugar.

Looks like milk isn’t the only one who just found a new favorite cookie.

Oatmeal Raisin

The wholesome oats and raisins along with Connie’s TLC™ will surely stir memories from your childhood. Or create them.

Time traveling has never been so sweet. (Just don’t forget to buckle your safety belt!)

Oatmeal Cranberry Chunk

We replaced the raisins with cranberries and added white chocolate chips to satisfy your sweet tooth. Think of them as oatmeal raisin’s long lost cousin.

Let the friendly family flavor feud begin!

Peanut Butter

Classic, salty & sweet. These handcrafted cookies may have been pressed into form with a fork, but each was certainly shaped with love.

Shaped with Connie’s TLC™, to be exact.

Raspberry Thumbprints

Buttery shortbread, raspberry preserves and an almond glaze are the main culprits that make up these unique treats.

Lucky for you, eating more than one isn’t a crime.

Snickerdoodles

We’re not sure where snickerdoodles gained their namesake either. But we know the cinnamon sugar goodness is no mystery.

It’s elementary, my dear.

Sugar

The cookie in its most basic form.  6 ingredients: Sugar, eggs, butter, flour, vanilla and, of course, Connie’s TLC™. Yes, they’re simple.

But far from plain.


SPECIALTIES

Brownie Bites

Fudgy goodness that will help you scratch those anytime-of-day chocolate itches.

Yes. It’s ok to keep scratching.

Chocolate Chip Squares

Our classic chocolate chip cookie revisited. (Well, actually just reshaped.) Turns out it is hip to be square.

It’s yummy, too.

Connie’s TLC™ Squares

A layer of shredded coconut on top of a layer of chocolate chips on top of a layer of walnuts on top of a layer of graham cracker crust all topped with Connie’s TLC™.

If you don’t feel the love, we know your taste buds will.

Date and Nut Squares

Dates & nuts mixed together give these cakey squares their signature taste. Powdered sugar gives them their signature look.

We’ll give you permission to enjoy both.

Peanut Butter Balls

Our trademark specialty: Hand-rolled peanut butter batter dipped in Connie’s homemade chocolate sauce.

We’re pretty sure you’ll love them to pieces.

Raisin Squares

They don’t wear glasses. And they’re not from California. But they will make your taste buds dance.

Or so we heard. (Through the grapevine, of course.)

Toffee Nut Bars

Decadent dessert bars molded with Connie’s TLC™ out of brown sugar, coconut and walnuts. They’re sweet. They’re buttery. They’re nutty.

Grab ‘em.

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

I'm not sure what makes me feel more gay:

a) Bringing my laptop with me to the Nissan dealership so I can blog while waiting for my Juke to get her scheduled tune-up.

or

b) The fact that I actually drive a Nissan Juke.

Tough call.

It's A Celebration, Bitches!

Today is my birthday. That's right, May 14th is my birthday.

May 14th, 1975 to be exact.

And, while I won't we taking advantage of my local chain restaurant's button-filled vested clapping birthday chorus line, I will be taking advantage of the reflective pause birthday's offer.

Birthday's gift us with an opportunity to reflect on the past year, give thanks for the good -- hopefully remember what we learned from the bad, of course -- set benchmarks for future ones and reminisce the unavoidable moments that have shaped who we are at whatever age we're currently at.

A quick consult with Captain Math tells me I've reached 37 this year. A number, by the way, that is very surprising to me. But the surprise has less to do with my past near-death experience and more to do with the fact that I'm kind of an asshole yet no one has choked the life out of me.

(And by "kind of" I mean "definitively.")

So I guess I have that going for me.

Happy Birthday to me.

Quick Thinking: Used to Win

The media scrutiny surrounding Tom Brady's recent, um, "style malfunctions" has got people wondering, sometimes even aloud, a thought once considered blasphemy in Patriot Nation: what the hell has happened to our franchise quarterback?

And, frankly, it's difficult to think of anything else after viewing them.





See?

Lucky for us, the answer is simpler than you think. And it isn't found in the Spygate scandal or the Patriots suspect defense as of late or Wes Welker's near miss reception in last year's Super Bowl.

Nope, none of the above.

The answer can be found, however, in the most unlikely of sources: former pony-tailed, big screen bad ass Steven Seagal.

That's right.

Steven.

Seagal.

Brady is suffering from a classic case of Steven Seagal Syndrome, y'all. The waning star infliction. Our boy is the football talent equivalent of one gone from being able to clear a path to Richie with a towel, a cue ball and a few short clotheslines in Out for Justice to an overweight, past his prime has-been with diminishing skills writing folk music while playing sheriff in Louisiana.


 
On second thought, maybe this explanation doesn't make me feel as lucky as I thought.

It sucks but, truth be told, Brady isn't the winner he used to be. And we'll probably never see him be one again. His transition from Super Bowl winning quarterback to Gisele Bunchen's wife is nearly complete.

Curse you, Steven Seagal Syndrome.

And your shitty symptomatic folk music.

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Quick Thinking
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-- When Mike Wilbon & Tony Kornheiser talk sports, I listen.

-- Same goes for Scott Van Pelt.

-- I can't say the same for the "Big O" on WEEI.

-- Romance is the curse of the ugly.

-- So is greed.

-- Think about it.

-- Wearing my headset while playing Xbox feels like the scarlet letter of immaturity.

-- But still finding flatulence funny doesn't.

-- Go figure.

-- In light of all the "bounty" talk in sports, I'd like to admit my own past transgressions: every Thursday thru Sunday in college I had a bounty out on any Natty Ice beer can within my immediate reach.

-- Sometimes on Monday, too.

-- Shit, who am I kidding? The bounty was also in effect on Tuesday & Wednesday.

-- I hope you can all forgive me.

Quick Thinking: Sleight of Hand

While discussing his new book Imperfect: An Improbable Life on ESPN Radio's The Herd Wednesday morning, Jim Abbott reflected on one of his greatest professional achievements: pitching a no-hitter at Yankee Stadium against the Cleveland Indians in 1993.

Think about that for a second.

Jim Abbott pitched a no-hitter with one hand. A no-hitter. With one hand.

Shit, the only thing I can do using one hand with any proficiency is masturbate. And I still need some help in the form of Warm Vanilla Sugar to get the job done. But a man who can't do push-ups , play patty-cake, or applaud his own efforts pitched a no-hitter.

Improbable indeed.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Despite their post All-Star break improvements, the Celtics have no shot at winning a championship this year.

-- No shot.

-- No.

-- Shot.

-- Same goes for this year's iteration of the Red Sox.

-- "I Call Bullshit!" Award of the Week goes to Baylor standout Brittney Griner for telling USA basketball officials she would not play in this summer's London Olympics citing "summer school course load" and some sort of "family illness."

-- Would have been more believable if she said she had to wash her hair.

-- Has to make you wonder why an athlete would forgo a chance to represent her country and build a brand for future endorsement deals because she needs to "go to class."

-- Can't have anything to do with those pesky blood & urine tests Olympic athletes are subject to, can it?

-- Or the fact that she would probably have to take the later standing up.

-- Speaking of which, melting urinal cakes seems more like an Olympic sport than curling.

-- Just saying.

-- Memo to the Producers of the Recently Announced Entourage Movie: The easiest way to guarantee the movie's success is by paying Sloan whatever it takes to get nude on camera.

-- Having her character make a bad decision by showing some skin can't be that tough of a sell, right?



-- I mean, c'mon, it's not like we're asking her to marry "E."

-- Oh, wait...

-- Watching America's Game: The Patriots on NFL Network served as a great reminder of when Brady used to deliver in the 4th Quarter of big games. Remember the last time that happened?

-- Ya, me neither.

Really, Really Quick Thinking: Chop Block

A very famous writer once said the best way to overcome writer's block is by "writing something embarrassingly honest."

Sounds a little nonsensical to me. But, then again, it may be sage advice. (Plus, at this point, I'm willing to try anything that will help me rediscover my muse.) Ok, so here goes. One embarrassing truth coming up.

Drum roll, please.

Sometimes I sit down to pee.

That's right. I said it. (Well, wrote it.)

I hope it works.