Bionic-ier: Day 12

Closing in on my surgery's 2 week anniversary and it turns out a low platelet count, thanks to the titanium rod residing in my left femur, is preventing the incision from fully closing.

True story.

I should probably just make it official and change my name to Terrenstein.



Wonder if that means I'd have to learn the words to Puttin' on the Ritz?

Fire bad.

Quick Thinking: Let Bygones Be

The New England Patriots have opened training camp to start preparing for the 2011-2012 season.

Celebrate accordingly.

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Quick Thinking
-------------------

-- Despite lacking any overt use of CGI or excessive special effects, Friends With Benefits tests its audience ability to suspend disbelief and be entertained by a "realistic" story line.

-- And not because of the premise that men and women can maintain "fuck buddy" status without complications.

-- Which they can't.

-- But because the opening scene has Andy Sandburg breaking up with Mila Kunis.

-- C'mon.

-- Metal organisms with transformable DNA living on the dark side of the moon is more believable.

-- They Might Be Giants' new single Can't Keep Johnny Down is an infectious little tune and serves as a stark reminder of just how white I can sometimes be.

-- At least my hipster cred is intact.

-- Quote of the Week goes to my boy Gibson for texting me the following after taking his niece to see the latest modern day commercial redux of an 80's morning cartoon, "30 years later there are still no brothers in Smurf Land. What up with that, what up with that?!"

-- OOOoo-WEEee.

-- Like the NFL counterpart Hard Knocks which inspired its creation, Showtime's The Franchise: A Season with the San Fransisco Giants is worth watching.

-- It gives Red Sox Nation the best reason to hope for a World Series win this season, too.

-- Speaking of cable sports documentaries, HBO's Derek Jeter 3k shows why Jeter has become one of the greatest and widely respected players in baseball history.

-- Regardless of your team allegiance.

-- It also shows that his fiancee, Minka Kelly, is an absolute dime.



-- Wonder what Jeter's hit count is up to with her.

-- HAY-OOOOO!!

Bionic-ier: Day 3

72 hours removed from surgery and my left wing is still killing me.

I clearly wasn't prepared for the post-op pain.

How homeboy from 127 Hours willingly broke & cut off his arm using household items is beyond me. I get some bone shaved in a controlled environment and I feel like a national security threat being held captive in Guantanamo.

Actually, maybe a friendly game of waterboarding is just the type of distraction I need.

I'll grab the hood.

Quick Thinking: Reaper Cheater

On January 9th, 2004, I fell asleep at the wheel of a car traveling approximately 75 mph and crashed into a tree.

True story.



My concern, of course, is while the above pictures may spin an incredible tale of my survival they also carry with them macabre undertones implying an obvious dirty truth. And that truth, dear readers, is this: I clearly cheated death.

Ocean's Eleven style, in fact.

As a result, fear of giving death another chance influences my actions because, as we all know, cheaters never win. (Unless you're Roger Clemens.) Seriously, Mr. Reaper is no joke. Ever try beating him in Castlevania on NES? No easy task. Plus, that's just a little 8-bit version. I can't imagine what the actual manifestation is capable of.

So it's with a trepidatious heart that I go under general anesthesia on Wednesday, July 20, for yet another corrective surgery on the bionic left elbow I have thanks to my poorly timed nap back in '04. The door is open again, Mr. Reaper. Please do me a favor and don't visit.

Just in case you do, though, I'd like to offer a sincere apology to all the folks out there who think I'm an asshole. For real, I'm sorry for whatever it is I did that made you feel that way. And for the small group of others who don't think I'm asshole?

Work on your judge of character.

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Quick Thinking
--------------------

-- Memo to All "Fountain of Youth" Seekers: Let go of the desire to "stay young" and enjoy the ride aging affords.

-- I mean, think about it, if the Prince of Darkness can't escape old man tits, you don't stand a chance.



-- Speaking of aging, the Beastie Boys new single Make Some Noise is stellar.

-- The bass line's crazy!

-- Mila Kunis is quickly becoming the desire of most every man and, after sharing neekid time with JT in some new movie, the envy of most every woman.

-- And the remaining men.



-- C'mon, Macaulay. Get angry and get even already. Remember, revenge is a dish best served as a sex tape of your hot ex-girlfriend.

-- Especially when said ex-girlfriend is Mila Kunis.

-- It's man law, baby!

-- Tosh.0 has jumped the shark. Just saying.

-- I'm starting to think all our economy needs for a full recovery is a pep talk from Herm Edwards.

-- Most giraffe graphics on baby clothes look far too much like penises.

-- Seriously.

-- It's creepy.

RFP Thinking: Who's Your Cat Daddy?

This week's episode finds our hero dealing with the reality of facing another of his life's many missed opportunities. Fiddlesticks, right? But the real unfortunate thing about this particular missed chance is the fact that yours truly personified what would have been considered a "perfect fit" for the required task.

Seriously.

We're talking Double-Rainbow-David-Tyree-dropping-that-ball-Mos-Def-Umi-Says-me-playing-Super-Tecmo-Bowl-as-the-Pittsburgh-Steelers-in-'95-Camilla-Luddington-in-Esquire perfect.



See?

PUMA of North America was recently looking for a new copywriter to give them an, "edgier voice sprinkled with irreverence and humor." Sound like any writer you've read before?

I even effortlessly weaved zombies into my pitch. That's right, effin' zombies.

But, despite all the improvements I made to the 10 product descriptions they asked me to rework from their online store, the contract was awarded to a fledgling marketing firm who has a strong friendship with the decision makers at PUMA. Looks like my "writer" career has been thwarted, yet again, by corporate politics and poor timing.

Perfect.

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PUMA's Request for Proposal Thinking
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Men’s Footwear: Cell Cerano Mesh Running Shoes.
Item: 185636-03

Dreams are made of these

No one wants to get out of bed at 5am. Not even you. But, hey, at least the comfort of our mesh running shoes are like a warm blanket for your feet. And, with our SpiderCELL cushioning system, you’ll feel like your running on a cloud in a dream. Or, you could just lace them up and hop back in bed. Either way.

Features

• Synthetic leather and mesh upper for overall foot support and breathability
• Lace-up closure for secure fit
• SpiderCELL midsole with advanced heel cushioning for greater comfort and shock absorption
• High-abrasion rubber outsole for smooth heel-to-toe transition and improved traction

Men’s Apparel: Hooded Nylon Windbreaker.
Item: 817869-04

Momma’s Boy

You can’t sit on your couch killing zombies with a rocket launcher all day. C’mon, man. You’re starting to look like the undead. With our full-front zip windbreaker, you’ll be able to put down the controller, get outside and stay protected from the dangers of Mother Nature. And the impending zombie apocalypse, of course.

Features

• Nylon and polyester blend
• Embroidered PUMA Cat logo
• Full-front zip and drawstring hood

Men’s Accessories: Wide Heritage Belt.
Item: 051953-01

Don’t follow the leader

Our oversized, western-style buckle skinny belt shows the world you put your pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. It also shows you choose to keep them in place with a little more style than most. Your parents always said you were a trailblazer. Looks like they were right. Giddyup.

Features

• 100% genuine distressed leather
• Western style metal buckle and latch
• Oversized PUMA and PUMA Cat logo

Women’s Footwear: Sass Women’s Golf Shoes.
Item 185077-03

This kitty has claws

You’re not on the course to look good. You’re on the course to win. The thing is, you can have both in our stylish, low profile golf shoes. Plus, our PUMA Smart Quill spikes provide you all the balance you need to really tee off on the competition. (And we’re not talking about the ladies’ tees, here.) Some might call it imprudent. You just call it being competitive. Rawr.

Features

• Soft synthetic uppers for maximum comfort
• Low profile, solid rubber, curved outsole with deep forefoot flex grooves
• Seven additional PUMA Smart Quill spikes and wrench included
• 1-year limited waterproof warranty

Women’s Apparel: Graphic T-Shirt.
Item 559081-02

Keep in touch with your athletic side

Our super soft tee lets you embrace your feminine side without abandoning your inner athlete. After all, you don’t have to wear gym clothes all the time.

Features

• Cotton/polyester blend for long-lasting comfort
• Straight cut for modern look
• Graphic print and PUMA Cat Logo for modern look

Women’s Accessories: Complete Running Beanie.
Item 843043-01

When the going gets tough

It’s raining, it’s pouring. No, wait, it’s snowing. And, for some reason, every incline you run is going to be uphill…both ways. No matter, you’re a runner. So you disregard the conditions, grab our running beanie to keep your head warm and dry as you brave the elements and, well, you run. Because that’s what runners do. They run.

Features

• Nylon/spandex blend for comfort and breathability
• U.S.P. Moisture Management to keep you warm and dry
• PUMA Cat logo for maximum style
  
• Reflective elements to keep you safe even when running at night

Fashion: Alexander McQueen Track Jacket.
Item 555285-01

Covert operations

Sure, runway shows aren’t known to pop up out of nowhere. Neither are ninjas. But, you never know. So, with our fleece-lined, full-front zip track jacket, designed with the late Alexander McQueen, you’ll be ready for whatever surprises life throws at you. Stylishly ready, we might add.

Features

• 100% polyester with fleece lining for comfort and warmth
• Full-front zip for easy on/off
• Contrast panel and slim cut for modern look
  
• Two side zip pockets for convenience
  

Fashion: Ferrari Vintage Logo T-Shirt.
Item 557855-03

Tee Major

They say speed kills. And, while our Ferrari tee may not make you any faster, the relaxed cut and vintage style will quickly make it a favorite choice for any of your wardrobe needs. Can looks kill? We’re about to find out.

Features

• 100% cotton for long wear
• Relaxed cut for easy layering
• Ferrari badge on sleeve and Ferrari logo graphic on chest for instant cool

Fashion: Ducati Heritage Logo Hat.
Item 556653-01

Top hat

Our Ducati inspired hat is so stylish that you’ll never have to take it off. Which is a good thing because, as well all know, “hat head” is never in style. Seriously, never. Put the hat back on.

Features

• Cotton and mesh for comfort and long wear
• Elastic sweatband for moisture control
• Stitching details, Ducati logo badge and embroidered PUMA Cat logo for instant style

Fashion: Urban Mobility Slouchy Pants.
Item 556992-02

Can’t touch this

Combining comfort with contemporary style, these pants are certainly an original take on the everyday. Just like you. They offer a draped silhouette and two open hip pockets. But the best thing about our Hussein Chalayan designed slouchy pants? They also offer the kind of style that you like best: your own.

Features

• Polyester/elastane for comfort and durability
• Draped silhouette and elasticized cuffs for contemporary look
• Two open pockets at hip for convenience
  

Stool Sample?

Every writer, at heart, is a bit of a conspiracy theorist. We have to be; it makes us better writers. Being fearful of other folks taking our words and, ultimately, our ideas is an occupational hazard of sorts. Let's face it, the art of "the steal" is as old as the craft of writing itself. (Actually, I'm pretty sure one couldn't exist without the other.)

As a result, I was hesitant to throw my sports + thoughts hat in the ring when the media giant Barstool Sports posted an open job invite back in February. After all, applying meant giving one of the most influential sports' blogs of all time -- the competition, so to speak -- a heads up that my blog exists.

Tough spot, indeed.

I came to the conclusion I had nothing to lose so I WILLINGLY opened the books to Barstool Sports. Who am I not too, right?! It's Barstool Sports! El Presidente's success is proven and showcased by his masterful use of the written word, the Barstool empire he's created and, consequently, the followers he's converted using "Viva La Stool!" as a unifying battle cry. I'm a fan. Shit, I even "like" the Stool on facebook and that's more commitment than my ex-wife ever received.

True story.

I've often wondered if El Prez ever took the time to visit my site or facebook page to size me up since sending my application. Officially, I'll never know, but a recent facebook status update makes me think he just may have:

s+t exhibit A:



s+t exhibit B:



Now I'm not insinuating plagiarism or anything. It's the blogosphere, baby. Public domain. (Plus, we all know I don't have copyrights to the phrase, "City of Championship Indeed.") I'm simply saying there is an eerie similarity between his post and mine which preceded it by about 20 hours. I'm also saying there's a chance, albeit a small one, El Prez took a minute to visit the world of sports + thoughts.

And, during his brief visit, maybe one of my status updates invaded his subconscious resulting in the mirrored posts. Or maybe it's just a meaningless coincidence that I'm assigning value to.

Like that time I thought I saw Bill Belichick's face in a piece of chicken parmigiana back in '07.

Quick Thinking: Ocean State of Mind

For those of you who don't know, I was fortunate enough to receive my undergrad education at Providence College. An education, by the way, that afforded me employment opportunities outside the confines of Rhode Island. My education also learned me the value of spreading my wings to reach beyond my roots, dear readers. Looks like Friarville is good for more than over-hyped and under-performing basketball teams.

Who knew, right?

From NYC to New Jersey to D.C. to Virginia to Denver to L.A. and back to RI, sprinkled with a few stops abroad and two cross country road trips, my oddyssey brought me many places. And it seems the same education that taught me to get moving imparted a bit of reflective wisdom, as well, allowing me to say: it's good to be home. It's also good to be the king.

But that's a different story for a different time.

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Quick Thinking
------------------

-- The great irony of golf's current landscape is Tiger Woods, injured or not, can't compete in the PGA world he single-handedly created.

-- Goodbye, Tiger Woods 2012. Hello, Rory McIlroy 2013?

-- Wonder if Tiger will be an unlockable player...

-- Salt in the Wound Award of the Week goes to the Boston Bruins for winning a championship in a sport I don't care about while labor unrest means we may not get to watch football, a sport I care very much about, in September.

[QUICK THINKING SIDE NOTE: START]

I purposely misspelled odyssey up there.

Oh, and end the fucking lockout.

[QUICK THINKING SIDE NOTE: END]

-- Extra Salt in the Wound Honorable Mention is awarded to playmate Crystal Harris for calling off her engagement to Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner.

-- You read that correctly. The nude model pictured below was engaged to the one man responsible for creating a world where nude models can actually become celebrities and she broke up with him.



-- There's a blonde joke in there somewhere...

-- I guess the Mayans were right: the end of the world is nigh.

-- Well, either that, or Viagra has shelf life.

-- BLAMMO!

-- Speaking of erect shelf lives, we live in a world where promiscuous women are celebrated. Famously, in fact. Yet the indiscretions of "men in power" are still considered newsworthy?

-- Really?

-- Comic fodder, sure. But newsworthy?

-- Don't You Go Judging Advice of the Week goes to all my females readers out there in defense of my sexting brethren: they're just playing by the rules of the game, ladies. If licking some balls on camera can propel Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, et al. to A-List Celebrity status, why can't texting a picture of your junk do the same for a budding politician?

-- Eddie Griffin, we turn our sexting eyes to you.

-- The Red Sox train is making all its scheduled stops and keeps running over any opponent unfortunate enough to be standing on the tracks.

-- Wish the MBTA commuter rail met those same standards back in '99.

-- Should I be concerned that one of my coworkers, a Vietnam vet who murdered his wife upon returning home as a result of PTSD back in 1973, openly reads books about serial killing and serial killers?

-- Yup. I think so, too.

-- Nothing says "I give up" more than a man walking 2 steps behind his wife in the mall while carrying her big ass purse as she talks on her cell phone.

-- Other than Luongo's game 7 performance, of course.