Friday, May 25, 2012

Quick Thinking: Cookie Monsta


There's a group of you who have experienced Connie's Kitchen and, as a result, already know what truth lives behind the following statement: My Moms can bake. Straight up.

This blog is for those who missed that opportunity.

Connie bakes treats. And not just any kind of treats, y'all. She bakes the kind of treats that, after you eat them, you can recall with absolute clarity where you were when you first tried one, the kind of treats that make memories for you, the kind of treats that you want everyone you know to have, the kind of treats that you always crave and the kind of treats you can never have enough of.

Baking skills like you read about.

And, now that she's moving toward the next chapter of her life, Connie is going to start offering those treats to paying customers. (That's right, "Let them eat Connie's Kitchen" is right around the corner.) But, before we get the goodness out there, we need to build a brand, find a voice and raise customer awareness.

That's where me & my friends at Stebbings come in.

They bring the design heat.

CK_blog2


See?


I bring, well...um, charm, I guess. (Actually, I don't bring much charm.)

I can bring some word skills at times, though.


With that in mind, below is a draft of the product blurbs and voice I've constructed to go along with Stebbings logo for Connie's new venture. Her baking chops may have passed me by, but the
skill of molding everyday ingredients into something consumable for the masses has not.

Sweet.

#himom

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Connie's Kitchen Thinking
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COOKIES

Chocolate Chip

The world’s most recognized cookie mixed with a dash of our secret ingredient: Connie’s TLC™.

And, trust us, that makes all the difference.

Chocolate Crinkles

Chocolate deliciousness showered in powdered sugar.

Looks like milk isn’t the only one who just found a new favorite cookie.

Oatmeal Raisin

The wholesome oats and raisins along with Connie’s TLC™ will surely stir memories from your childhood. Or create them.

Time traveling has never been so sweet. (Just don’t forget to buckle your safety belt!)

Oatmeal Cranberry Chunk

We replaced the raisins with cranberries and added white chocolate chips to satisfy your sweet tooth. Think of them as oatmeal raisin’s long lost cousin.

Let the friendly family flavor feud begin!

Peanut Butter

Classic, salty & sweet. These handcrafted cookies may have been pressed into form with a fork, but each was certainly shaped with love.

Shaped with Connie’s TLC™, to be exact.

Raspberry Thumbprints

Buttery shortbread, raspberry preserves and an almond glaze are the main culprits that make up these unique treats.

Lucky for you, eating more than one isn’t a crime.

Snickerdoodles

We’re not sure where snickerdoodles gained their namesake either. But we know the cinnamon sugar goodness is no mystery.

It’s elementary, my dear.

Sugar

The cookie in its most basic form.  6 ingredients: Sugar, eggs, butter, flour, vanilla and, of course, Connie’s TLC™. Yes, they’re simple.

But far from plain.


SPECIALTIES

Brownie Bites

Fudgy goodness that will help you scratch those anytime-of-day chocolate itches.

Yes. It’s ok to keep scratching.

Chocolate Chip Squares

Our classic chocolate chip cookie revisited. (Well, actually just reshaped.) Turns out it is hip to be square.

It’s yummy, too.

Connie’s TLC™ Squares

A layer of shredded coconut on top of a layer of chocolate chips on top of a layer of walnuts on top of a layer of graham cracker crust all topped with Connie’s TLC™.

If you don’t feel the love, we know your taste buds will.

Date and Nut Squares

Dates & nuts mixed together give these cakey squares their signature taste. Powdered sugar gives them their signature look.

We’ll give you permission to enjoy both.

Peanut Butter Balls

Our trademark specialty: Hand-rolled peanut butter batter dipped in Connie’s homemade chocolate sauce.

We’re pretty sure you’ll love them to pieces.

Raisin Squares

They don’t wear glasses. And they’re not from California. But they will make your taste buds dance.

Or so we heard. (Through the grapevine, of course.)

Toffee Nut Bars

Decadent dessert bars molded with Connie’s TLC™ out of brown sugar, coconut and walnuts. They’re sweet. They’re buttery. They’re nutty.

Grab ‘em.


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Thursday, May 24, 2012

You Know How I Know You're Gay?


I'm not sure what makes me feel more gay:

a) Bringing my laptop with me to the Nissan dealership so I can blog while waiting for my Juke to get her scheduled tune-up.


or

b) The fact that I actually drive a Nissan Juke.

Tough call.

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Monday, May 14, 2012

It's A Celebration, Bitches!


Today is my birthday. That's right, May 14th is my birthday.

May 14th, 1975 to be exact.

And, while I won't we taking advantage of my local chain restaurant's button-filled vested clapping birthday chorus line, I will be taking advantage of the reflective pause birthday's offer.

Birthday's gift us with an opportunity to reflect on the past year, give thanks for the good -- hopefully remember what we learned from the bad, of course -- set benchmarks for future ones and reminisce the unavoidable moments that have shaped who we are at whatever age we're currently at.

A quick consult with Captain Math tells me I've reached 37 this year. A number, by the way, that is very surprising to me. But the surprise has less to do with my past near-death experience and more to do with the fact that I'm kind of an asshole yet no one has choked the life out of me.

(And by "kind of" I mean "definitively.")

So I guess I have that going for me.

Happy Birthday to me.


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Thursday, May 10, 2012

Quick Thinking: Used to Win


The media scrutiny surrounding Tom Brady's recent, um, "style malfunctions" has got people wondering, sometimes even aloud, a thought once considered blasphemy in Patriot Nation: what the hell has happened to our franchise quarterback?

And, frankly, it's difficult to think of anything else after viewing them.

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See?

Lucky for us, the answer is simpler than you think. And it isn't found in the Spygate scandal or the Patriots suspect defense as of late or Wes Welker's near miss reception in last year's Super Bowl.

Nope, none of the above.

The answer can be found, however, in the most unlikely of sources: former pony-tailed, big screen bad ass Steven Seagal.

That's right.

Steven.

Seagal.

Brady is suffering from a classic case of Steven Seagal Syndrome, y'all. The waning star infliction. Our boy is the football talent equivalent of one gone from being able to clear a path to Richie with a towel, a cue ball and a few short clotheslines in Out for Justice to an overweight, past his prime has-been with diminishing skills writing folk music while playing sheriff in Louisiana.

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On second thought, maybe this explanation doesn't make me feel as lucky as I thought.

It sucks but, truth be told, Brady isn't the winner he used to be. And we'll probably never see him be one again. His transition from Super Bowl winning quarterback to Gisele Bunchen's wife is nearly complete.

Curse you, Steven Seagal Syndrome.

And your shitty symptomatic folk music.

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Quick Thinking
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-- When Mike Wilbon & Tony Kornheiser talk sports, I listen.

-- Same goes for Scott Van Pelt.

-- I can't say the same for the "Big O" on WEEI.

-- Romance is the curse of the ugly.

-- So is greed.

-- Think about it.

-- Wearing my headset while playing Xbox feels like the scarlet letter of immaturity.

-- But still finding flatulence funny doesn't.

-- Go figure.

--
In light of all the "bounty" talk in sports, I'd like to admit my own past transgressions: every Thursday thru Sunday in college I had a bounty out on any Natty Ice beer can within my immediate reach.

-- Sometimes on Monday, too.

-- Shit, who am I kidding? The bounty was also in effect on Tuesday & Wednesday.

-- I hope you can all forgive me.


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