Quick Thinking: It Really Isn't, Anymore

Dear Bill,

It appears our relationship has been splintered, yet again, by another playoff loss. These crossroads are all too familiar as of late, Bill. Eerily familiar, in fact.

One street sign reads "Heartache." The other reads "Anger."

And, while we stand at this corner trying to answer the unanswerable, I can't help but feel the only words of comfort you would offer are, "Cheer up, Patriot Nation. It is what it is."

Really, Bill? Really?

We've suffered through the perfect season near miss. We endured the Raven Train that rolled over us during last year's Wild Card Weekend. And now this? Losing to the fucking J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets after finishing the season 14-2?!?

Really?!?

Your team's effort on Sunday resonated with the same indifference you demonstrated towards Rex Ryan's media taunts. And, in both cases, you came out the loser. So, instead of replacing passion with professionalism this off-season please allow yourself, the team and the organization a chance to reflect on recent failures and realize that football, by definition, is an emotional game.

Just ask the last three defensive units who beat you in the playoffs with their fervor and passion.

But, hey, it is what it is, right?

Concerned,

Terrence Joyce
Spokesman, Patriot Nation

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Quick Thinking
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-- There's no truth to the rumor that the only thing the Patriots' offensive line successfully blocked on Sunday was my writing.

-- "Give Credit Where Credit is Due" Award of the Week goes to Rex Ryan's defensive scheme on Sunday for transforming our "Golden Boy" quarterback into nothing more than a "Supermodel's Wife."

-- Memo to All You Sports Radio Callers Out There: Never open a call by saying, "I'd like to start with a quick joke..."

-- Chances are, what you find funny, isn't.

-- Trust me. I try to make people laugh every week with this column.

-- And fail miserably at it.

-- See?

-- More importantly, while dissecting one of the biggest losses in New England Patriots' history, I don't want to hear your take on "Two rabbis walk into a bar..."

-- I need a little more "Rex Ryan" and a lot less "Bill Belichick" from the Patriots next season.

-- That's right. I said it.

-- More cowbell wouldn't hurt, either.

-- Oh, and thanks for introducing us to the wide-eyed, confused "Brady Face" on Sunday, Rex. I imagine it's the same look he gives Gisele when she straps one on and "gives him the business" in the bedroom.

-- We also need to retire your favorite little idiom, Bill. It doesn't come across as impartiality any more.

-- It comes across as apathy.

-- The reports of a broken Brady foot have been greatly exaggerated.

-- Those of his broken vagina, however, have not.

-- BLAMMO!

-- At least I'm not bitter about the loss or anything.