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I'm a little worried about all the adult women clambering to see the new Twilight movie. And it's not because I'm jealous of Edward or Jacob or anything: they get to be movie stars, I get to go on the big boy rides in amusement parks.
C'est la vie.
What worries me is the obsession these "Twilight Moms" have for characters and story lines constructed with their daughters in mind. I mean, I know the Sex and the City movie train hasn't left the station in a while, but is a movie targeted at teenagers really the most appropriate option to fill the void?
Really?
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Quick Thinking
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-- Hey, ESPN, please stop force feeding your viewers NASCAR coverage.
-- Seriously. Stop.
-- Any activity big city drivers perform on a daily basis shouldn't be considered a sport.
-- Actually, now that I think of it, assigning a sponsor and number, along with the obligatory unsightly paint job, on each car in Boston during rush hour would be more watchable than NASCAR.
-- Not to mention those piss poor godaddy.com commercials that accompany each telecast.
-- If a professional hockey team wins 9 games in-a-row and no one is watching did it really happen?
-- I'm learning whenever my Idaho roots are brought up in conversation someone will invariably say, "I da ho? No. YOU da ho!"
-- I get it, though. Seeing a group of cows garners a similar "Moo!" reflex from me.
-- Unless said cows are chasing me with pole axes, of course.
-- I think too much has been made of Gronkowski's head first tumble on MNF against the Chiefs last night.
-- Homeboy lives in a perpetual concussed state anyway.
-- E's Chelsea Lately should be renamed The Comic Graveyard.
-- The term "horseplay" is only acceptable when talking about the interactions between consenting adults.
-- And for those who participate in equestrian sports.
-- Giddy up!
ONE: Zombies are a polarizing lot.
I lost a total of 12 facebook friends as a result of last week's 2 Things post in which I joked about skull fucking zombies to death. I know. Only a dozen.
I was surprised too.
I really should put quotations around the words "lost" & "friends" though because, well, we're using the term "lost" very loosely and, as we all know, digital friends for the most part aren't really friends at all.
Unless you're watching porn, of course.
And while my knee jerk reaction is to tell all 12 of you to go skull fuck yourselves, (see what I did there?) I'm going to try the more "fatherly-advice" approach.
Here goes:
Listen, if you can't see the humor in someone overdosing on an erectile dysfunction pill in the hopes of killing the undead through violent eye socket penetration with his erection during a can-only-happen-in-fiction zombie apocalypse than we really shouldn't be friends in the first place.
Digital or otherwise.
TWO: A starting quarterback can win a NFL game by completing only 2 passes.
I don't have much to say about the above sentence because, while entirely true, it defies all conventional wisdom. Seriously, every last bit of it. Plus, the sentence reads like more of a question than a declarative statement to me.
And you know what they say about asking better questions, don't you?
With or without the question mark, however, it evokes the same response of disbelief. A response, by the way, that I'll modified for all my easily offended Tebow loving readers out there with delicate sensibilities: Shut the front door.
Oh, and go skull fuck yourselves.
ONE: Promiscuity will thrive during the Zombie Apocalypse.
Less than one month into Season 2 of AMC's The Walking Dead and we find the one married woman who's sheriff husband is still alive pregnant...by his partner.
With friends like that, right?
We also have a pair of strangers in the midst of a supply run -- one the archetypal "farmer's daughter" and the other a pizza delivery boy referred to by the group as a "go to town guy" or "in and out specialist" -- knockin' boots in an abandon convenience store because of the post-apocalyptic world aphrodisiac called a box of unopened condoms.
Waste not, want not I suppose.
In addition, there are two other unlikely couples laying groundwork for eventual trysts.
Giggity, giggity.
Looks like the impending zombie infestation will be more like the free love era of the 60's than originally anticipated, huh? A large anti-establishment constituency coupled with copious amounts of consequence free sex, mind expanding drugs and tie dye t-shirts.
Ok, minus the tie dye t-shirts.
Either way, looks like I need to add Viagra to my survival kit. Which will be more versatile than you think. The way I figure it, when I'm unfortunate enough to run out of ammunition during an attack, I'll simply pop a few dick pills and do what any man experiencing priapism during the Zombie Apocalypse would do: have sex with as many willing partners as possible.
After skull fucking all the zombies to death, of course.
TWO: Sometimes acting juvenile as an adult is imperative
Mistaken identity isn't just for plot advancement in movies anymore, folks.
I recently found myself the target of a colleague's verbal attacks for a situation I had absolutely nothing to do with. Knowing he was clearly confused, I chose to stay my tongue and silently nod until the storm ended.
"Feel better?" I asked.
Later in the day that same coworker went out of his way to apologize for his misinformed outburst. He offered to buy me lunch and everything.
But while being the bigger man who accepted the apology, and lunch, I almost started to feel bad for rolling up an award-winning sized nose nugget and throwing it so it stuck to the back of his head when no one has looking following the earlier incident.
Almost.
I'm starting to learn that, in life, being considered AN option is more preferable than being considered THE option. Hear me out, dear readers. I'm not making the preceding statement because of some displaced fear of failure I carry with me.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
I'm making the statement to try and help. Really. I'm trying to help and impart a little wisdom on those who might think being someone's "everything" is the "only thing." I'm trying to help because the hard truth is this: those who make you THE option in their lives are doing so to fill some personal void created by their own failures, fears & insecurities. And those kind of voids can't be filled.
Ever.
Except in the world of sports, of course.
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Quick Thinking
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-- The life wisdom imparted on movie fans who listen by Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs cannot be overstated.
-- Neither can his fashion sensibilities.
-- It appears Julian Edelman attended a few classes at Ben Roethlisberger's Charm School during his trip to Pittsburgh last weekend.
-- I wonder if the alleged "incident" was one of his homework assignments.
-- The thing is, Jules, if you were that aggressive on your professional field of play maybe you'd see more minutes.
-- The off-season has just started and I'm already sick of hearing about Tito & Theo's post Sox Nation lives.
-- Tom Brady's window is starting to close.
-- And I feel like Bill Belichick is the one closing it.
-- The recent allegations against Bieber provide further proof that the rules governing acceptable social behavior are incredibly gender specific.
-- They also highlight how "crazy" has become this Nation's currency.
-- And we're all part of the 1%, y'all.
-- Let's try a little Occupy Normalcy, shall we?
ONE: Bill Belichick's arrogance is slowly killing Patriot Nation.
Someone had to say it.
It's not like Coach Belichick has changed over the years or anything. He hasn't. Today's Bill is the same as 2000's version. Exactly the same, in fact. Save one dubious distinction: being able to win when it counts.
Which the Patriots can't seem to do anymore.
Patriot Nation's blind-faith mantra "In Bill We Trust" pacified us during our dynasty years but has proven fruitless as of late. Like zero-playoff-wins-in-the-last-4-years fruitless. So something has to change.
Doesn't it?
Bill's "value" driven personnel moves over the years, especially on the defensive side of the ball, have resulted in watered down talent and a substandard product on the field of play. See this season's defensive rank if you don't believe me. Or just ask the Steelers.
Either way.
Someone needs to remind Bill that talented players are just as important as any defensive scheme he can conjure. While they're at it, that same "someone" also needs to tell Coach Belichick to stop releasing playmakers like Asante, Seymour & Merriweather with such hubris.
Pride comes before the fall, Mr. Belichick.
The hard truth, Patriot Nation, is if Bill doesn't change we won't have a quality defense for a long, long time.
Or a meaningful win, for that matter.
TWO: You're never too old to enjoy the childish excitement afforded by a "snow day."
Never.
