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I wish life came with a closed-captioned button. Not so much to understand every language. (Which, by the way, would be awesome!) But more so that people could understand me.
My tendency to speak quickly leaves some people confused by both what words I've spoken and, more importantly, what I meant by said words. I've made efforts to slow my speech in the past to no avail. The speed of my thoughts -- the sole influence -- is difficult to impede.
Does anyone know a good mental construction company that specializes in speed bumps?------------------
Quick Thinking
-------------------- It's time for Bill Belichick to be forced into early retirement.
-- That's right, I said it.
-- Life Lesson of the Week was learnt by yours truly while fighting a brutal stomach bug last week: "sharting" is, in fact, the ass' version of premature ejaculation.
-- Same fail. Different hole.
-- And not nearly as easy to clean up.
-- Terry Francona will lose a lot of sleep shuffling his line up this season.
-- Speaking of Tito, am I the only one who thinks he resembled Shia LaBeouf during his playing days?
-- Ben Roethlisberger's behavior is part of an alarming trend highlighting the worst qualities of today's entitled athlete.
-- "No" means no, Ben.
-- None of us can be 100% sure a crime took place in that bathroom but the resignation of Sgt. Jerry Blash, the officer who took the first report from Roethlisberger's recent accuser, one day before the Georgia Bureau of Investigation released official case documents is the proverbial smoke.
-- And where there's smoke...
-- Where's Super Mr. Superhero when you need him?
-- Equally alarming is the intelligence level, or lack thereof, of every Ben loving bumpkin who can't take their "fan" hat off when faced with his history of abusive behavior towards women.
-- I'm beginning to realize that my comfort level with being alone is more unique than I originally thought.
-- And it's ever increasing.
-- I wish The Most Interesting Man in the World was my life coach.
-- You know times are changing when digital heartbreak has become the norm.
-- Or when youth sports teams are given "recognition awards" instead of trophies.
-- Coddling the psyche of children playing sports by making everyone a "winner" is far too short sighted, y'all.
-- Just when you thought Reese's Peanut Butter Cups monopolized the greatest marriage of two flavors the Food Kingdom has ever seen, along comes Baconnaise!
-- Your heard me. Baconnaise.
-- I'm not joking.
My train of thought was almost permanently derailed after seeing my top celebrity crush, Emmanuelle Chriqui, in Allure magazine's annual "nude" issue today. Lucky for me, I escaped serious bodily injury.
My ability to string together any insightful or meaningful sentences this week, however, was not so fortunate.
Evolution is vital for survival, dear readers. Even the written lunacy of sports + thoughts, which at first glance may seem inanimate and incapable of change, must evolve to continue and thrive in its literary environment.
Nothing exists in a vacuum.
So we're starting today's column with a small programming note in an attempt to embrace the idea that evolution is, in fact, innate -- regardless of the medium in which something exists.
Programming Note: "The Morning After" tltle will be replaced.
At the advice of my trusted council, some may even call it a fellowship, I've decided to scrap the "Morning After" title in favor of simply calling my weekly column "Quick Thinking." The Morning After moniker isn't dead and will still appear from time-to-time in a different context.
In all honesty, the "Q.T." style has always been my vision, my goal...my baby.
And no one pushes baby out of the headline.
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Quick Thinking
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-- I don't know who the man behind the man behind the man is, but I don't like him.
-- I'll take Roseanne Barr singing The Star-Spangled Banner over Steven Tyler singing God Bless America any day of the week.
-- You might want to step into the 21st Century and look into Auto Tune, Mr. Tyler.
-- Oh, and speaking of what century we're in: It's 2010 AD, Steven. Not 210 BC. Giving your daughter a tongue kiss on national TV is frowned upon.
-- And really creepy.
-- Unless, of course, you're Woody Allen.
-- I am the antithesis of each individual showcased on TLC's Hoarding: Buried Alive.
-- Hearing Rem Dawg doing color commentary full-time for the Red Sox again comforts me like a warm blanket.
-- Seeing Heidi Watney between innings, on the other hand, makes that same warm blanket a little bit wet.
-- HAY-OOOOOOOOO!
-- The landscape of modern day hip-hop as we know it would not be the same without the influential brilliance of Gil Scott-Heron.
-- Idiot Award of the Week goes to two unknown fools for commenting on some young lady's Facebook post about the weather with weak come-ons:
-- Guess "Nice shoes, wanna screw?" doesn't work like it used to.
-- C'mon, guys. Do better.
-- Having the bank to sign Hall of Famer Peter Gammons should give you an idea of how much revenue NESN generates for the Red Sox.
-- Everyone likes the taste of a cash cow, y'all.
-- There's no truth to the rumor that FEMA will hand out Zoo Towels to help boost state morale during the aftermath of Rhode Island's Great Flood of 2010.
-- I hope I get the monkey one.
-- Celebrity Look A Like of the Week goes to Donovan McNabb for looking like Sergeant Mertaugh from those Lethal Weapon movies during his introductory press conference for the Redskins.
-- Beats having Riggs' mullet, Mr. McNabb.
-- Also known as "My Haircut" circa 1989.
-- Curse you, Ultra Super Hold AquaNet.
-- Curse you.
After much deliberation I've decided when I'm blessed with children I will never creep them out by having them "pull my finger" before I play the personal ass horn.
Which I happen to be very proficient at.
Nor will I tell them a "mouse with a trumpet ran by" following one of my concertos in flatulent minor. Instead, I'm going to create a mythical creature to assist them in understanding sounds of the body much like Sesame Street has done to promote literacy. And I'm pretty sure I'll name this creature Gastro the Ass Monster.
In the same way Wally personifies the iconic outfield wall at Fenway Park, Gastro will help my children personify the "toots" that are released from their "bums" with a cute & fuzzy smiling monster.
[SIDE NOTE: START]
I picture Gastro as a taller, skinnier version of Elmo. I'm thinking it'll be brown, too. But not like a "shit brown." More like a soft raw sienna. Gastro will have one eye, no nose and no mouth. What he will have, however, is a blow hole where his belly button would be along with really short limbs. It'll also be wearing a jetpack. Gastro the Ass Monster is built for speed! Oh, and it'll be wearing a helmet.
Safety first, right?
[SIDE NOTE: END]
So my plan is to provide my offspring with insight into their bodily functions by introducing them to Gastro the Ass Monster.
Seems full proof to me.
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Quick Thinking
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-- I would be praying for Donovan McNabb to don the silver and black next year if I were a Raiders fan.
-- Too bad there's a trickle-down idiocy epidemic in Raider Nation.
-- Ricky Martin announced this week that he's "proud to be a fortunate homosexual man."
-- [Insert joke here]
-- I respect his integrity, though. I mean, it's not like he's trying to sell a book, steal headlines or jump start a fizzling career.
-- April Fools' Day jokes are never as funny as you think they'll be.
-- The "Tim Tebow Watch" is exhausting.
-- In Case You Missed It Memo of the Week: Tiger Woods is playing in the Masters which starts on Thursday, April 8th.
-- I like venison just as much as the next guy, but when is Evolution going to do Its job and rewire deer so they can jump out of the way of those headlights?
-- I hope the zeal most men display in their effort to be "first" when commenting on a web post doesn't matriculate into their bedroom practices.
-- Ski Beatz' Taxi, featuring Mos Def & Whosane, is as good as it gets.
-- The biblical undercurrents surrounding Opening Day are undeniable.
-- Doug Gottlieb is the Guy Smiley of NCAA Basketball.
-- Beating A Dead Horse Award of the Week goes to anyone involved in the production of Hangover 2.
-- Or should it be the "Resurrection of a One Trick Pony Award of the Week?"
-- Hangover 2 starts filming in October, by the way.
-- Is it creepy if I watch Erin Andrews on Dancing With the Stars through a peep hole?
-- Quote of the Week comes from nephew Tyge after he watched a young woman walk past us recently in Providence prompting him to observe, "See that Uncle Terry? She had the Brazilian bumps, baby. The Brazilian bumps."
-- Quote of the Week II comes from yours truly in an attempt to strategically respond to my nephew, "Why? Did she have acne?"
-- Playing dumb is the only recourse I have when faced with the stark reality of my nephew's over active libido.
-- I should probably tell him about Gastro the Ass Monster.
-- Lucy Pinder, pictured below, has been crowned "Queen of Boobs" by the British magazine Nuts.
-- I'd love to be her King.
-- Or, at the very least, her Court "Chester."
-- RIM SHOT!
