The Morning After: Aliens, Tiger & Brackets...Oh My!

Predictability has become, well, predictable. It's even evolved into the "obvious" realm in most cases. And, while "I told you so" is one of my favorite phrases, I don't feel that sentiment can be expressed following the announcement that Tiger will play in the Masters. I think "tell me something I didn't know" or "no shit" feels more appropriate.

"Duh" sounds pretty good, too.

On March 3rd I wrote: Tiger Woods will play the Masters because rebuilding his image starts and ends with winning his first post-scandal major.

Duh, right? Right.

But what Tiger's return declaration lacked in surprise it made up for with consternation. The announcement not only provides additional evidence his February "apology" was staged, it also proves the same ego responsible for Tiger's current predicament is alive and well -- thriving, in fact -- giving us further proof that once an entitled athlete, always an entitled athlete.

Yes, Tigger's return was predictable but, and this is what worries me, the news affirms money, ego & ratings trump morality in this recession, fear-filled world we all live in. That, dear readers, is a scary proposition.

Don't say I didn't tell you so.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The news of Jesse James cheating on his very famous wife, Sandra Bullock...

(wait for it...wait for it...)

-- ...Blindsided me.

-- Wakka, wakka, wakka.

-- Blame the Wizard Alien, Jesse.

-- Being subtle seems to be a lost art form.

-- The madness has begun and casual fans everywhere declare, "Shit. I was gonna pick them." as their brackets fall apart.

-- Painful Reality Check of the Week goes to all the folks labeled "great kissers" as a result of participating in one of those popular relationship surveys on Facebook: You're not all great kissers. Sorry.

-- But I hear saying you are is a sure fire way to pick up women in D.C.

-- Right, Erik?

-- According to Facebook I, on the other hand, have a 96% chance to survive the impending Zombie Apocalypse. So I have that going for me.

-- Which is nice.

-- Nostalgic Movie Quote of the Week goes to Johnny Utah when he provides a much needed "wake up call" to Bohdi by saying, "I am an Efff Beee Eyeeeee Agent!"

-- And who says Keanu can't act?

-- Quote of the Week come from Big Nick while we listened to WEEI callers debate their feelings about whether or not they could root for Tiger at the Masters because he cheated on his wife, "If I didn't root for people who cheated on their significant others, I wouldn't have any friends left."

-- Your moral compass keeps us all on the straight and narrow, brother. No joke.

-- But that Wizard Alien is persuasive.

-- Internal Debate of the Week: "Are outdoor activities, like hunting or fishing, more of a 'sport' than cheerleading?"

-- Let's see:

Exhibit A: Redneck Rick sits camouflaged in a tree and pulls a trigger to kill Bambi. That's not a sport, that's Duck Hunt.

Exhibit B: Cheerleadering "fliers" are thrown 30 feet in the air and risk broken bones, paralysis and, in some instances, death following a failed "stunt."

Exhibit C: I have fond memories learning about the intricacies of "lollipop pants" while being bused to & from my basketball games in high school. (Those trips did wonders for team morale.)

-- Internal Debate Answer of the Week: Cheerleading is, in fact, more of a "sport" than hunting or fishing.

-- Goooooooo TEAM!

****SPIRIT FINGERS****

The Morning After: Spring Ahead

Spring is in the air, dear readers.

Enjoy accordingly.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Nomar's retirement as an injury prone journeyman does zero justice to the nine wicked good Hall of Fame caliber years he had in a Red Sox uniform.

-- Good luck at ESPN, Nomah. Thanks for the memories.

-- I understand the privilege and entitlement that must accompany being a premiere quarterback for the Steelers, Big Ben, but take that bulls-eye off your back and keep your libido at bay.

-- I've written a little song to save you when your bodyguards fail to keep you out of compromising situations when you're partying:

"Step 1: Keep your junk in your pants.
Step 2: Check that your junk's in your pants.
Step 3: Make sure your junk's in your pants.
And that's the way you do it, It's your junk in your pants!"

-- It'll be your wallet's favorite song.

-- Trust me.

-- NOOOOOMMAAAHH!

-- Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, a rare neurological condition, causes those who suffer from it to see their every day environments -- including objects and individuals -- askew.

-- So THAT'S what's wrong with me.

-- Homework Assignment of the Week goes to Ron Artest and his tragic hair experiment accomplice Boogie the Barber: See Rodman, Dennis. (1986-2000) Poor Decisions for Dummies...and NBA Players. Detroit, San Antonio, Chicago: Publisher's Press.



-- Turning the clocks ahead this weekend is just another in a long list of signs that Spring is right around the corner.

-- So is Opening Day.

-- Resigning Nomar so he could retire in a Red Sox uniform is the best shortstop acquisition the Sox have made since, um, signing Nomar.

-- Memo of the Week goes to every upstart talent in the NBA who might play the Lakers in the playoffs: Let sleeping dogs lie, fellas. Don't challenge Kobe.

-- Unless you're in Denver.

-- Run To Home Base Update of the Week: We're off to a great start with $95.00 in donations!

-- Congratulations to The Hurt Locker for winning Best Picture at this year's Academy Awards.

-- Or, as I like to call it, The Redneck's Rocky.

-- I know he's an elite businessman and must be very intelligent but every time I hear Robert Kraft speak he sounds drunk.

-- I hope he, unlike Broadway Joe, cares about his team
stru--gg--ling.

-- NOOOOMMMMMMAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

The Morning After: Run To Home Base

I'm running in the "Run To Home Base 9K" this May, faithful followers. The race is a 5.6 mile run through Boston finishing at home plate in Fenway Park. Pretty cool, right?

But there's a catch.

Each registrant is required to raise $1000 before May 1st to donate to Massachusetts General's Home Base Program. A program, by the way, that has personal significance and is committed to serving the needs of veterans with combat stress disorders and/or traumatic brain injury.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

My father served and saw combat in Vietnam. While his symptoms are less severe than some, he still receives weekly treatment at the Veteran's Hospital for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Trusting you with that information means I'm trusting you readers more than most of the people I've ever met. But, then again, I have more fingers than I do readers so I'm confident my secrets are safe with all of you!

And, while I have stories from my childhood that make sense now that I'm armed with the knowledge of how PTSD can affect individuals, I'd rather not discuss them over this digital medium. Plus, those are my dad's stories; he should be the one that tells them.

Some say he's even a better story teller than I am.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

This is the first time I've used this forum to ask for your help, dear readers. And, to be honest, I don't feel very comfortable doing it. Asking for help has never been my strong suit. But, I guess even I need to take a break at times from all the jokes and sarcasm no matter how brief that break may be.

If you'd like to help CLICK HERE.
Or you can copy and paste the following link into your browser:
www.runtohomebase.org/runtohomebase/TerrenceJoyce

Remember: No donation is too small. Unless, of course, you're trying to donate a nickel.

Please donate more than a nickel.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Tiger Woods will play the Masters because rebuilding his image starts and ends with winning his first post-scandal major.

-- Plus, sex addict or not, Tigger is still an egomaniac who's sole focus is to pass Jack Nicklaus for most career major wins.

-- I'm starting to think that idle hands focus less on the devil's work and more on self love.

-- I'm Old and I Don't Give A Fuck Award of the Week goes to Tommy Heinsohn for managing to steal a kiss from Maria Menounos during the Nets/Celtics game last Saturday night.



-- Tommy Points galore!

-- This artist's work is further proof that being cheesy, indeed, isn't easy.

-- The Buffalo Bills not offering Terrel Owens a contract extension after a mediocre year of service is further proof that the wheels are officially coming off the "T.O." marketing machine.

-- Celebrate accordingly.

-- I think Walken's remix of Lady Gaga's Poker Face is better than Kid Cudi's.

-- Bucket List Entry of the Week is the Frozen Dead Guy Days festival, which occurs every year on the first weekend of March in Nederland, CO.

-- Every time I watch this preview for the new HBO Sports Documentary Magic & Bird: A Courtship of Rivals, premiering March 6th at 8pm, I get goose bumps on my goose bumps.

-- I'll never tire of books or documentaries that provide insight into the greatest rivalry sports has ever seen.

-- Quote of the Week comes from Ice-T in the final moments of Chris Rock's documentary Good Hair where he says, "I think a woman can to anything she wants to her body because if she ain't happy with herself, she gonna bring pain to everyone else around her."

-- Can I get an "AMEN!?"

-- I'm not sure what's worse: The Bachelor's Jake choosing Vienna or people choosing to actually watch the show which has spawned 14 seasons.

-- Idiot Award of the Week goes to Strange Gym Guy who grabbed a weighted stretch bar in the ab area, spun it around his back, above his head and then threw it to the ground.

-- I appreciate your ninja bow skills, Strange Gym Guy, but we're at Planet Fitness in Cumberland not a Kumamoto battlefield.

-- WAAAHHHH-TAAAHHHHH!!

-- And, while Planet Fitness may be the "judgment free zone," I'm going to continue to pass judgment on your idiocy.