This next admission may surprise a lot of you seeing that I'm from Rhode Island - a state second only to New Jersey in its love of tanning salons - but, believe it or not, I don't have a ton of "going tanning" experience.
Believe it.
I did, however, learn the first rule of tanning booth etiquette the hard way yesterday and I feel compelled to pass this information on to all of you today. Said lesson, similar to the rules of engagement during sex, is simply this: clench, don't release.
While attempting to desperately hang on to the tan I acquired during a recent trip to the Cayman Islands I went tanning yesterday. The high-powered ceiling fan provides nothing but false hope, dear readers, so do not, I repeat, DO NOT fart while in a standing tanning booth.
Or any tanning booth for that matter.
The result is a methane and food infused, skin-burned stench of epic proportions that no man or woman should ever have to endure.
Ever.
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Quick Thinking
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-- Anthony Rodriguez is the biggest albatross in the history of professional sports.
-- And the Yankees are paying him 28 million dollars this year for his, um, "contributions."
-- But, hey, at least he's not caught in another PED controversy or anything.
-- Red Sox Nation should thank their lucky stars we were usurped by the Yankees when attempting to sign him back in 2003.
-- We should also thank our lucky stars for the yearly re-signing of Big Papi.
-- The anti-ARod.
-- Mariah Carey needs to go away.
-- Sad Social Commentary Note of the Week: The most honest person in an individual's life is the one who has nothing to gain - perceived or actual - by association.
-- Let that statement simmer before you disregard based on its "obvious scale" score.
-- Sad Social Commentary Note of the Week II: The saddest part is those people are almost always dismissed by individuals as "strangers" who "don't know what the hell they're talking about."
-- Maybe they do, though.
-- The current iteration of this Bruins' team actually has me tuning in.
-- I love hockey.
-- Rest in Peace Esther Williams, the former Olympic swimmer and actress, who passed away in her sleep yesterday at the ripe old age of 91.
-- She achieved mythical sex symbol status in the 40's and was affectionately dubbed "Hollywood's Mermaid."
-- I've always been more partial to female centaurs myself.
-- But that's me.
-- Hopefully fellow Olympian and wanna-be actor Ryan Lochte follows in her footsteps.
1 comment:
I went tanning once. Walking into one of those places is like being dropped off in a country where you don't speak the language. I found myself just pointing at my skin and saying "darker, but don't burn."
- The AROD deal was actually held up by the head of the players union. It's still the best thing to happen to the Sox, though.
- I've contended that if Ortiz played at a high level for 10 years, he is a HOF'er. 4 more months, Senor Octobre, 4 more months.
- I worry about Jerry Remy.
- #5 should not be worn by any player on the Sox. Nomar brought a lot to teams that were not very talented and helped revive baseball in Boston after the strike.
- Gregg Campbell, alone, is all you need to know about how skewed our views on sports are, as fans. Jacoby Ellsbury makes 6.4x more money than him. One guy breaks his leg and still tries to help his team. Guess which one it is.
- Hockey is the hardest sport to play. Football is the most fun to watch on TV. Baseball is the most "American". Basketball is the most bastardized. This will not be debated.
- Remember when people were made celebrities because they had a talent? Yeah, me either.
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