Quick Thinking: Faking It

I don't understand babies with mohawks. More specifically, I don't understand parents who give their babies mohawks. They're like adults who wear monogrammed clothing in public who aren't stranded on an island named Thurston or Lovey: they just doesn't make sense.

So let's get it together, folks.

I mean, unless you're a celebrity or an eccentric billionaire try and limit public displays of manufactured coolness, ok? Keep that shit in-house where it belongs, y'all. Behind the proverbial closed green door.

Because, frankly, both are the social equivalent of working out at a gym with your own shake weight. Monogrammed, of course.

Thanks in advance.

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Quick Thinking

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-- Makes me a little sad Larry Bird's digital Dream Team '92 counterpart in NBA 2K13 looks less like a "baller" and more like an extra on History's Swamp People.



-- See. It's sad, right?

-- Cable channel replays have breathed new life into A Tribe Called Quest's documentary Beats, Rhymes & Life: The Travels of A Tribe Called Quest.

-- If you're a fan of Tribe and haven't invested a few hours watching it, I would recommend you do so immediately.

-- Stir it up.

-- Big ups to Morgan Freeman for being one of the first women in history to be welcomed by storied Augusta National Golf Club.

-- Wait, what? That's not Morgan Freeman, it's Condoleezza Rice?

-- Oh, my bad.

-- Lucky for her, sharing the locker room with other members shouldn't be a big deal. Her dick is probably bigger than theirs.

-- Even in a cold shower.

-- Make no mistake though, y'all, her admission has zero to do with gender equality and everything to do with securing advertising revenue in the future.

-- #cha-ching!

-- Memo to All the Fellas Inspired by Mad Men Wearing Tie-bars: proper placement is between the 3rd and 4th button of your shirt.

-- Barely covered by your suit jacket's top button is also acceptable.

-- Near your tie's knot is not.

-- Make it happen.

-- Can you imagine if the Patriots were able to wrestle an unhappy Jones-Drew away from the Jaguars?

-- I can.

-- Hey, Roger, can't you find a different way to recapture your youth?

-- Other than doing steroids & HGH, of course.

-- You're 50. Let it go, brother.

-- Let.

-- It. 

-- Go.

Quick Thinking: Double (Gold) Standards

While you celebrate Christian Grey and the shortness of breath he provides, ladies, remember, as you exhale, he also effectively kills all that "men are pigs" chatter us guys have dealt with on a daily basis since the beginning of time.

We're largely visual beings and you're largely emotional beings. That's not news. But the runaway success of 50 Shades shows that we're both most certainly sexual beings.

You just like to read about it whereas we like to look at it.

I mean, c'mon, we're men. Lazy is what we do best.

So enjoy the freedom and empowerment sexual expression provides but be aware it brings with it more than just freedom. Sexual expression also brings with it a frustrating mess called "double standards."

Welcome to our world.

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Quick Thinking

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-- Congrats on all your medals, Mr. Phelps. You can swim really fast.

-- We get it.

-- I'd like to see how you'd fare with a 6-foot inflatable turtle named Ralph in the pool, though.

-- I hope retirement offers you some quiet moments to truly appreciate your accomplishments and gifts you time to gain perspective on a historic career.

-- I also hope it offers you some time to see a dentist.

-- Quote of the Week is awarded to this guy for responding the following when asked if I was bringing anyone with me to a friend's pseudo-birthday party, "Nope. I'm solo. Like Han. Only not frozen in carbonite."

-- Yup, I'm a Star Wars geek.

-- Throwback Song of the Week is The Truth from Handsome Boy Modeling School.

-- Groovy is all there is.

-- Big ups to the NFL's 2012 Hall of Fame inductees including one Curtis Martin who was a big part of Patriot Nation's renaissance in the 90's and helped lay groundwork for today's success.

-- Good effort with your beat down against Nigeria, Team USA, but your dominance fell short of RHP's margin of victory during a 1st round playoff game back in the summer of '00: 132-41.

-- True story.

-- I know you have Black Mamba and King James and all.

-- But we had my boy Geese.

-- And sometimes Geese is all you need.