Quick Thinking: Sprungfield

Spring has sprung, dear readers. And, along with sunny skies that melt snow piles and show us the promise of summer, it brings along with it the greatest Wonka confection of all time: Sweet Tarts in the shape of Ducks, Chics and Bunnies.

Enjoy accordingly.

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Quick Thinking
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-- How is it that with the countless health trend infomercials pirating late night and early morning TV showing an infinite number of people who have "changed their lives with this incredibly easy program" America is still one of the fattest countries in the world?

-- And I mean like orca fat.

-- Sometimes I wish my name was Wolf Blitzer.

-- Celebrity Look A Like of the Week goes to Gary Busey for looking like Matt Damon from Team America.



-- I think we can both agree I'm being generous.

-- F**k YEAH!

-- Opening Day arrives to find Red Sox Nation heralded as the "team to beat" in the American League by every media "expert" with a microphone.

-- Feels unfamiliar.

-- The predictions also make me very, very nervous because, as we all know, while individuals may be intelligent, popular opinion usually turns out to be anything but.

-- Just ask the 2010 Patriots.

-- Or the teams who played VCU during this year's Madness.

-- And the 69 million strong who have listened to Rebecca Black's single Friday on YouTube.

-- Geniuses all, I'm sure.

-- I inherently don't trust any adult wearing clothing with Disney characters.

-- Listen, y'all, it's one thing to want to have kids. It's a complete different thing to try and lure them into your lair with pictures of Mickey, Donald and Pluto.

-- Creepy.

-- It appears the stalemate between NFL players and owners has gone playground with each side saying, "I'm rubber and you're glue."

-- Not the best way to sway public opinion, fellas.

-- At this rate, we might as well just settle the dispute with a good 'ol fashion game of Red Rover.

-- You think Kraft and Jerry Jones have the strength to hold the line when they send Adrian Peterson right over?

-- Ya, me neither.

Quick Thinking: Superlative?

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, dear readers. And, while imitation is nice and all, giving people awards is a considerable form of flattery too, right? Going through some old files I came across one such award from my high school days in the shape of a superlative: Best Dressed Male, Class of '93.

[ SIDE NOTE: START ]

Obviously "best dressed" was a loose term in '93. Any young man living during an era of boat shoes, BUM Equipment and pegged pants can't be awarded anything synonymous with good fashion sense.

[ SIDE NOTE: END ]

I think the logical train of thought is obvious: what kind of superlatives would you award the folks in your life today? Those of us in relationships have a canned response echoing the sentiment, "our partner is all the superlative we'll ever need." And that answer might work if not for an epic drinking game I played in college teaching me to call...BULLSHIT!

I understand most of us lack the freedom from consequence allowing superlatives to be awarded in our adult lives. However, I also imagine each one of us has a mental list of first responders if pressed for such intimate information.

Consider yourself officially pressed.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Fatherly Advice of the Week is for all you "Playas" out there trying to get that hot girl by throwing money around. Stop. Instead, try asking a few questions, discover what life experiences humanize the hotness and nurture them.

-- Or exploit them. Whatever works.

-- Just remember: One can be "the man" without being "the bank."

-- With the over saturated coverage of college basketball already beginning as we prepare for the madness, one thing is painfully clear to me: Doug Gottlieb needs to stop borrowing his father's suits.

-- C'mon, Doug, you're a regular in Bristol now. Go to the tailor.

-- Speaking of ESPN, Sage Steele has been getting quite a bit of face time on SportsCenter lately and the obvious play-on-words is she's "spicy."

-- Quote of the Week goes to a frustrated coworker who said the following when management questioned his ability to set client expectations during a sales cycle, "I'm 155 million percent clear with clients to control their expectations!"

-- Hyperbole much?

-- In an attempt to bring some levity to the argument, my interjection earns me Quote of the Week II honors for the second straight week, "Don't be so modest, I think you're definitely closer to 156 million percent."

-- There's no truth to the rumor that during games next season Tom Brady will have his usual play call "cheat sheet" on one wrist and a scrunchie on the other.

-- Question of the Week: How many Super Bowl winning quarterbacks wore ponytails? (answer near bottom of blog.)

-- In the aftermath of The Week of Winning starring Charlie Sheen, do you think Denise Richards is celebrating the escape from her ex-husband's winning world or suffering from a severe case of autophobia for having inhabited it?



-- Her picture may not help answer the question, but I'm pretty sure it possesses inherent medicinal qualities.

-- Since when did mediocre football players announcing their "unretirement" become news worthy?

-- Actually, since when did mediocre players unretire?

-- At least your timing isn't bad or anything, Tiki. Nothing like buying a ticket on the Titanic when it's already sinking.

-- I know basketball is an emotional game, but I have a hard time believing any Miami Heat player would be moved to tears following a regular season loss.

-- I do, however, imagine Dwayne Wade sheds a few tears when stumbling across pictures of him and former girlfriend, Star Jones.

-- That's right. Dwayne Wade dated Star Jones.

-- Answer of the Week: It's a trick question, you silly fuck. Men with ponytails use leave-in conditioner, they don't win Super Bowls.

-- Mos Def's new single World Premiere is absolute fire.

-- And I'm not talking about the painful kind Joe Chlamydia has.

Quick Thinking: Too Much Information

People feel comfortable telling me things. All kinds of things, actually.

And, while I'm flattered folks trust me enough to share those marginally inappropriate thoughts as they pass through their minds, I have to kindly ask you all to stop.

No, seriously. Stop.

A coworkers recent unsolicited graphic description of the homosexual porn he viewed with his wife the previous evening in an attempt to "try something different" has left an indelible mark on my psyche forcing me to close up my "lend an ear" shop for a little while.

I fear I may never recover.

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Quick Thinking
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-- He may be losing his grip on reality, but Charlie Sheen's idea of the perfect work environment involving, "sandwiches, massages & handjobs," is tough to argue with.

-- Speaking of Mr. Sheen, did you hear him say all this debauchery is a gift he's giving to people?

-- I wonder what type of reciprocal gifts all those porn stars are giving him.

-- Other than herpes, of course.

-- Don't look now, but here comes madness of the March variety.

-- Odette Yustman is moving up my celebrity crush list ladder.



-- Quite nimbly, I might add.

-- I miss listening to Dale & Holley during my mid-day drives.

-- Big ups to Danny Ainge for having the courage to build for the future.

-- After all, nostalgia doesn't win championships.

-- Quote of the Week goes to yours truly for saying the following to a coworker in an attempt to make her laugh after she shared with a group of us that her grandmother MAY HAVE HAD a stroke, "Well on the bright side, if she did, at least she can be Rocky every Halloween."

-- Awkward Moment of the Week is credited to said coworker when she responded, "Not really, Terrence. She's black."

-- My response earns Quote of the Week II honors, "Oh, than just give her some American flag shorts and she can be the old version of Apollo. You know, if Drago hadn't killed him."

-- It also inches me closer to that penthouse in Hell I seemed destined for.

-- Hope the view is good.