Quick Thinking: Retro Grades

They say those who live in the past are doomed to die there. With that in mind, dear readers, I implore each of you to forget what was and remember what is.

The past is just that: past. So, instead of feeling anger or guilt for things that have happened, start planning for things you hope still can.

Now I'm not saying forget everything from times past. Reminisce, sure.

But don't set up residence.

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Past Thoughts
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-- I'm still hungover from the Patriots' playoff loss.

-- Yup, still.

-- Watching Conan the other night made me realize G-Love, similar to a booty call, isn't the same without Special Sauce.

-- Stefaan Engels, the Belgian athlete who completed his quest to run a marathon every day for a year, is officially the only man who can say P90X is for pussies.

-- Remember though, Mr. Engels: no one likes a show-off.

-- Especially for 365 consecutive days.

-- Stupid Question of the Week goes to yours truly for asking an unnamed co-worker upon seeing a tattoo on the inside of her right wrist that reads "...this two shall pass..." the following: "Why 'two' instead of 'too?'"

-- Stupid Answer of the Week goes to that same co-worker for responding, "Because it's a famous saying. Duh. You went to college, right? Shouldn't you know that."

-- She's right. I should know that.

-- My boss recently informed me upper management was "taking note" of my actions and viewed me as an "agent of change" in the company.

-- And by "agent of change," I think he meant "grossly overqualified for the menial position I accepted with the company due to our country's shit economy."

-- There may have even been a hint of "we also hope the slightest promise of a promotion will keep you pacified and, ultimately, pigeonholed in your current position," too.

-- Spaced alliteration anyone?

-- Monster.com and your inspirational commercials, I turn my lonely eyes to you.

-- Speaking of commercials, why were the trio of gay bakers, responsible for the yummy breakfast treat Cinnamon Toast Crunch, replaced by...um, well, the cinnamon toast crunches themselves?

-- Crazy squares, indeed.

-- Oh, and why did Brisk Iced Tea make an attempt to recapture the brilliance of a late-90's marketing campaign,, anchored by clay-like figurines voiced by their celebrity movie counterparts, with Eminem?

-- The Italian Stallion, digital or not, knows what he's talking about, y'all. Thanks to the time machine qualities of YouTube & the Internet: nothing is over.

-- Nothing.

-- Except, of course, my focus on retro commercials in this blog.

Quick Thinking: One And Done?

With the healthy birth of my first child, Declan David Joyce, I find myself reflecting on sins of past "lifetimes" in hopes they won't haunt my baby boy.

Other than that, there's really only one thing I can wish for the little man.

That crazy skips a generation.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Conspiracy Theory Award of the Week goes to Christina Aguilera for "accidentally" forgetting the words to our nation's anthem.

-- If you don't think the over/under line in Vegas for the song's length @ 1:54 had anything to do with her sudden memory lapse than you're too naive to be reading this blog.

-- So you know, Christina's "big game" anthem timed out at 1:53.56.

-- True story.

-- Memo to All You Female Teachers Out There Engaging in Sexual Relations With Students: Sex with high school boys will not help you recapture your youth or win that coveted Prom Queen title you've been harping for all these years.

-- Having sex with me, on the other hand, will.

-- Giggity, giggity.

-- Youth recapturing and prom title notwithstanding, of course.

-- When did Tiger Woods forget how to play golf?

-- Mix Tape Song of the Week Award goes to Steven Marley's Hey Baby.

-- And, no, not because it features the mighty Mos Def.

-- Hey, FOX, thanks for that Tom-Brady-is-the-first-ever-unanimous-league-MVP halftime update kick in the balls.

-- I still prefer the old # 12. You know, the one who's greatness was defined by winning championships.

-- Not individual accolades.

-- Ok, I lied. Mos Def had everything to do with Hey Baby being awarded the Mix Tape Song of the Week.

-- His lyric, "And even though I'm gone, I am never to far; You're the light through the dark, shining right through my heart." didn't hurt, either.

-- Ray Allen is 2 away from netting 2,561 3-pointers and passing Reggie Miller atop the NBA's all-time list.

-- I couldn't hit that many three's playing Double Dribble.

-- On Level 1.

-- Against the Boston Frogs.

-- That's right, the green team on Double Dribble was the digital basketball powerhouse known as "The Frogs."

-- Speaking of which, am I the only one who thinks their mascot looks like a creepy, 8-bit sex offender? (He makes an appearance at approximately 17 seconds.)

-- Giggity, goo.

-- Watching the post-Patriots playoffs learned me our home team is too soft on defense to win a Super Bowl.

-- Big ups to the female propaganda machine which successfully cheapened the inherent gifting spirit of birth by commercializing said experience with the materialistic notion of a "push" gift.

-- Talk about irony.

-- I'll be expecting one next time I take a shit so big my ass bleeds.