Quick Thinking: P-A-T-S, Pats, Pats, PATS!

One week does not a season make, dear readers, but while Tom Brady & Co. were serving up a big, heaping bowl of optimism Sunday to Patriot Nation against the Bengals, yours truly was serving up a tasteful concoction of his own to his friendly online sportsbook.

My Week 1 "Lock of Week" -- Pats/Cincy Over -- came in laughably easy.

Let's hope both dishes are still on the menu this Sunday.

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-- Hey, Wes, big ups for defying modern medicine, playing Sunday, crossing the plane twice and being the best-known-fantasy-sleeper-pick in 2010.

-- The New York Jets' hype machine hit a Baltimore Raven colored brick wall Monday night.

-- Your message would be better received by Mr. Kraft, Randy, if you shortened your 16 minute rant into a 3 second quip. I'm thinking something like, "Spend cash, homey." would work.

--Zen Question of the Week: Is a hot girl stopped at a traffic light picking her nose still hot? (Answer below)

-- Quote of the Week comes from my Pops for quipping the following while watching the Patriots dismantle Cincinnati on Sunday, "I haven't been this excited about Tight Ends since my days in the armed forces."

-- Apple doesn't fall too far, y'all.

-- The Davalos twins are more proof that god is, in fact, a man.



-- And, apparently, he's an ass man as well.



-- Or, at least, an air-brushed ass man.

[ EDITOR'S NOTE: Despite being void of any nudity, the desired picture punchline violates photobucket's prudish terms of use and can not be displayed. Simply click here to see it and let's pretend this never happened.]

-- Dallas enters yet another season touted as the "most talented team in the league" by media and NFL "experts" alike.

-- Too bad they won't make the playoffs this year.

-- That's right. I said it.

-- Betty White's new 15 minutes of fame will last longer than she does.

-- Yup. I just said that, too.

-- I wouldn't pick Mark Sanchez as my quarterback in a high school fantasy football league.

-- I'd stay clear of Tony Romo, too.

-- The Lock of the Week nod goes to Kansas City (+2.5) @ Cleveland. I'm taking the points in what is sure to be a very close game between two groups of coaches -- all former Patriots' assistants -- who know each other very, very well.

-- Programming Note of the Week: Conan's comeback starts 11/8/10 on TBS.

-- I think I'll show my support my donning a Masturbating Bear costume for Halloween.

-- Zen Answer of the Week: Only if she uses it for lubricant.

-- Despite a great Week 1 showing by their defense, the Patriots will only go as far as Tom Brady and his hair can take them.

-- The viral My Butt Is Big campaign, which focuses on my favorite part of the female anatomy, has been confirmed by Nike as a fake.



-- No hard feelings on this end about being teased by a spurious ad campaign, though. I'm used to women faking things.

Quick Thinking: Progressive Aggressive

We live in a world where every human behavior has been coddled into a "condition" and remedied with a "prescription."

Medication Nation, y'all. Pop a pill and drink it in.

The problem, however, is obvious: some undesirable conduct can't be remedied over-the-counter at your local CVS Pharmacy. So, until the "cure-all" pill is released, I'm starting a lobby to change the negative connotation associated with common human M.O.'s by simply calling them something else.

Let's start this "give-it-a-name" movement with "Passive Aggressive" by renaming it "Progressive Aggressive." That way, all the folks that haven't had enough time to mature can blame a contemporary condition saving them the embarrassing admission of being an adult who still acts like a child.

New & improved name.

Same chicken shit behavior.

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-- You Gotta Be Shittin' Me Award of the Week goes to Shane Van Dyke for writing AND directing Titanic 2 which, by the way, was released straight to DVD on 8/24/10.

-- Yup, you read that right. Titanic 2.

-- I wonder how it ends?

-- Zen Question of the Week asks who's the bigger idiot: The man who writes and directs Titanic 2 or the man who watches it?

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Shane's next project will be Hidenburg 2: Hot Air.

-- Momentum is a fickle mistress.

-- And turns out she's quite the slut, too.

-- Just when I thought "Creepy Work Guy" couldn't get any creepier he shows up on the job wearing a tie with a lingerie-clad Betty Boop in suggestive poses on it.

-- Boop-Boop-Be-Yikes.

-- Big ups to Jessica Alba for finally emerging from her "mommy cave." Welcome back, Jess. We missed you.



-- A lot.

-- Bigger ups to K.!.D. for being cast on Lifetime's new series Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Who Wants to be Queer.




-- Shooting starts in October.

-- Dumbest Facebook Status Update of the Week goes to Derrick Merlin Wildstar who recently informed us:



-- Um, what?

-- And why the hell did I accept his friend request? Wizards freak me out.

-- You shall NOT PASS!

-- Memo to All the Road Warriors Out There: I appreciate your homage to Mad Max but you can't have a "Bad Ass" skull and crossbones decal on the back window of the RV you're driving when the vinyl siding is pink.

-- Unless, of course, you're trying to raise your Moron Index.

-- Or, better yet, your OXY Moron Index.

-- RIM SHOT!

-- Oh, Speak & Spell, you'll always have a place in my heart as the greatest babysitting innovation of all time.

-- As well as the "toy" responsible for my fascination with words.

-- And Joshua from War Games.

-- Shall we play a game?