Quick Thinking: Mandatory Sentencing

The Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers -- with 32 Championships between them -- are squaring off in Game 7 of the NBA Finals tonight. And, while rigid rules aren't my favorite thing, tonight's event requires me to impose the following ultimatum: Any member of Guy Nation who doesn't watch Game 7 tonight forfeits their Man Card.

That's right, I said it.

I'm not going to give you a list of reasons why, fellas. The statement is self-evident. I will, however, answer one question.

Yes, in the back. What's your question?

Good grief. If I had a digital eraser I would whip it at your head. Lucky for you, even if I did, my aim isn't that great. Plus, anger is no match for the pedagogic responsibility compelling me to answer your inquiry regardless of how weak it is. After all, you're a part of Guy Nation and, as we all know, Guy Nation is only as smart as its dumbest member.

The reason these rules don't apply to women is because, well, they're women. Any effort from the sweeter sex to watch sports is a bonus for all inhabitants of Guy Nation. A major bonus, in fact.

Duh.

So, stupid questions aside, brethren, I implore you to heed my words: If you've ever attempted a urinal cake melt and you're not watching Game 7 of the NBA Finals tonight I'll be forced to revoke your Man Card.

Permanently.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The NBA is so crooked I almost feel bad for my bookie.

-- Almost.

-- Sometimes the best "inside joke" is the one only you know about.

-- It bothers me the hip-hop duo Pete Philly & Perquisite, along with their absolute jam Hope, featuring Talib Kweli, have flown under my radar since 2005 because of record label marketing machines that control society's music consumption.

-- But I can't turn on a radio without hearing the musical shit sandwich that is Justin Bieber.

-- Double U. Tee. Eff.

-- Epic Failure Award of the Week goes to the gentleman at Karta Bar last Thursday who, while on an obvious first date, ordered a salad with a sugar-rimmed martini glass chaser while the attractive young lady he dined with was served a burger and scotch on the rocks.

-- True story.

-- Memo to All the Ladies: Hitting the treadmill wearing a sports bra may be uncomfortable on hot & humid days but at least you never have to worry about your balls sticking to your leg.

-- And then sitting on them.

-- Ouchie.

-- I'd take "bouncing" pain over the "getting sat on" variety any day of the week.

-- Allowing others to be correct when predicting your behavior provides them with a false sense of intelligence that is easily manipulated.

-- I hope Joe Montana is getting a hefty check from Sketchers for their new marketing campaign because he tarnishes his legacy with every commercial I see.

-- I don't think a man with unusually small hands can really be considered a man.

-- A Man Card can't be bigger than the man hands holding it, chief.

-- Celebrity Look A Like of the Week goes to Pau Gasol for looking like a real life version of Abu from Disney's Aladdin.



-- After fielding the question for nearly 20 years I need to say - once and for all - I am, unequivocally, an ass man.

-- And, no. Not in a gay way.

-- Unless, of course, it's really cold outside.

-- Brrrr.

Photo Finish

The epic failure of a fellow runner who attempted to capture the last moments of my Run To Home Base experience is forgiven because, finally, it's official: I have photographic proof of crossing home plate at storied Fenway Park.



And, apparently, I was too winded to field any questions from the media.

Quick Thinking: House Party

The perennial phrase "keep the change" -- a euphemism commonly used by men when describing or inquiring about oral sex -- needs to be retired.

The shine is gone. The luster is lost. The honeymoon is over.

In its absence I offer the idiom "take it to the house."

"Why?"

Valid question.

Below is my valid retort.

[ HERE'S WHY: START ]

Fellatio can be compared, in sports terms, to a great catch made by a wide receiver.

Any great catch.

Even a catch made behind the line of scrimmage, for a loss, makes Top Plays on ESPN if it was great. Greatness helps ratings, y'all. But you know what makes any great catch even better? When a receiver scores a touchdown by taking said catch to the end zone, or rather, the house.

So fellatio is the catch while taking that catch to the house is, well, taking it to the house.

Seems simple to me.

[ HERE'S WHY: END ]

So ladies I implore...no, wait. All of Guy Nation implores you: If you're not prepared to "take it to the house" please don't make the catch.

Or you might have to take one in the face, instead.

HAYY-OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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Quick Thinking
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-- Seeing Wes Welker participating in agility drills and running routes in June can only mean good things for the Patriots this season.

-- Same goes for Randy Moss in a contract year.

-- It took me 4 attempts and 8 days to finish watching Avatar.

-- Worst ROI movie of all time.

-- It's ok, Jim. Us Joyces are prone to making questionable calls.

-- Quote of the Week goes to NBA Analyst Avery Johnson while discussing the best game plan for beating the Boston Celtics in the NBA Finals, "Rajon Rondo is the head of the snake. And, when you take away the head of the snake, you take away the engine of the car."

-- Um, what?

-- Be careful when mixing those metaphors, Mr. Johnson. Someone could get hurt.

-- I like the Celtics in 6 so long as Samuel L. Jackson doesn't attend
one game in L.A.

-- See what I did there?

-- Violence may not always be the answer.

-- But sometimes it helps to raise the right questions.

-- Attention Starved Douchebag Award of the Week goes to that guy at my gym who was wearing his mirrored aviators while working out on Tuesday.

-- I'd bet a winning Powerball ticket Highway to the Dangerzone is the only song playing on his iPod shuffle.

-- I'm also guessing he refers to himself in the 3rd person.

-- And to his manhood as "Maverick."

-- It's still a bit weak, but the Red Sox have a pulse.

-- Speaking of the baseball, Quote of the Week II comes from my mother - Connie Lee - while discussing the current state of Sox Nation, "I just hope they didn't blow their load when sweeping the Rays in Tampa."

-- Thanks for the insight, Momma.

-- And the future therapy bills.

-- No matter how hard you try, ESPN & Bono, I won't be watching World Cup soccer.

-- Celebrity Look A Like of the Week goes to Big Baby Davis for being the spitting image of Glass Joe from Nintendo's Punch Out!!!



-- Ok, you're right, they look nothing alike. But they both react the same way to a shot in the face.

-- Speaking of taking shots to the face...