Quick Thinking: Two Weeks Notice

The recent retirement of Tedy Bruschi, one of the caretakers of Patriot Nation, marks the beginning of the end for the Dynastic Patriots that we've come to love over the past decade.

I think I just made that word up.

But despite the liberty I've just taken with the English Language it doesn't mean I'm being overdramatic. At some point all the pillars of our beloved team are going to begin to retire. Even the most notabe pillar, Tom Brady, will retire sooner rather than later.

Tom Brady has given us something New England Patriot fans have never had. Sure, the 3 Super Bowls and undefeated season were great. But I'm talking about something else. As Patriot fans we've never had a quarterback, the key position that determines success in the NFL, that was an automatic first ballot Hall of Famer.

Shit, forget about being in the Hall of Fame. Mr. Brady is considered one of the best of all time. How can we expect to replace the best player who plays the crucial position that measures success in the league and not expect to take a step back?

I'm not trying to overstate his importance for the sake of this article, dear readers. But Tom Brady is cut from the same cloth as the game's best: Montana, Elway, Aikman & Marino. And what was the biggest problem for those player's respective organizations after their Hall of Fame skills started to diminish?

Exactly.

Finding a replacement for a franchise quarterback is not an easy task. My worry is the Patriots don't have the luxury of past experience. They've never felt the growing pains associated with replacing a first ballot Hall of Fame quarterback.

In other words: the franchise lacks precedent. Even if Tom gets a new contract and we lock him down for a few more years the Patriots are still going to need a quarterback of the future and that future needs to start now.

Still not with me? Let's try a different tactic.

Can you name all the great Patriot quarterbacks? (That's a trick question.)

Of course you can't. Our franchise hasn't had any. Plunkett was decent. Grogan had heart. Bledsoe was better than average and helped resurrect the franchise under the tutelage of The Tuna. But none of them are in the same class as Tom Brady.

And it's not even close.

The chances of upgrading the position upon Brady's departure are non-existent. We're going to have to suffer through some failed experiments (much like we did during our 11-5 season with Matt Cassell at the helm.)

Still think I'm being overdramatic?

Let's look at Denver as an example that embodies my concern. Elway retired in 1999 following back-to-back Super Bowl victories. Since his retirement Denver has tried the likes of Griese, Plummer and Cutler to fill Elway's shoes. In total, Denver has started 5 different quarterbacks since Elway's departure with the same result: failure.

To exacerbate the situation, Denver traded their Pro Bowl quarterback this offseason and are STILL looking for a long-term solution 10 seasons later.

My point is simple: whilst Bruschi's retirement offers us a chance to be nostalgic and reflect on our past successes the bottom line is Teddy's announcement marks the beginning of the end for the great dynasty we've all come to love.

Bill's teary speech spoke volumes.

The New England Patriots have been so dominant over the past decade that we, as fans, EXPECT to win every game and those expectation will have to be curbed starting now. Think I'm wrong? Watch Bill's speech during Bruschi's retirement press conference again. We may all share those sentiments in the near future.

I'm not trying to take Patriot Nation to NegativeTown. I'm simply expressing my long-term concerns for our franchise.

But let's try and be more upbeat. Let's hope we get another one or two Super Bowls before the dismantling of our Patriots begins. Let's worry about worrying at a later date. Rest assured, though, the dismantling WILL happen. Actually, don't look now...but I think it's already begun.

So enjoy the ride while it lasts and be sure to fasten your seatbelts, Patriot Nation. Brady's knee injury last year and Bruschi's retirement this year isn't the light of a promising future at the end of the tunnel.

It's the reality of 5-10 years of mediocrity coming up on the horizon.

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Quick Thinking
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-- To celebrate the AFL's 50th Anniversary the New England Patriots, one of its original franchises, will open their 2009 season wearing throwback uniforms.

-- Call it nostalgia. Call it good fashion sense. But I think teams just look better wearing their throwbacks.

-- C'mon ladies, admit it: even you think Brady looks more dreamy sporting his throwback duds.

-- Fuck it. If you can't admit it, I will. He looks more dreamy sporting his throwback duds.

-- That's right, I said it.

-- Truth be told, though, I don't care if he wears his wife's underwear on the field so long as he stays healthy.

-- Hunch of the Week: I think this year's defending Super Bowl Champion Steelers are going be a lot like the defending Super Bowl Champion Steerlers of 2006.

-- For those who don't know: they finished that season 8-8.

-- Go easy, Steeler Nation. Look up the meaning of the word "hunch" before beating me with that piece of rebar in your hand.

-- MLB players that are "Designated for Assignment" might as well be told "Hey, go fuck yourself."

-- How poorly Matt Cassell performs this year will show how good of a team he had surrounding him last year.

-- I don't like country music, but I'm a big fan of the brunette in Justin Moore's Small Town USA video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_NOaiQLl6U

-- Please don't ask why I was watching CMT.

-- When you have nieces of your own that like country music you'll understand.

-- Memo to all the people out there who wish they were smarter: Intelligence isn't automatically knowing the answers. It's about putting forth the effort to find the answers.

-- Put forth the effort.

-- Quote of the Week comes from my nephew when I told him it would have to be his "best day" to gain the affection of his teenage crush: "Good thing today's my best day."

-- My brother and sister-in-law are in for a long haul when he starts high school.

-- Memo to all the buffoons who think managers have nothing to do with the success of their team: The Colorado Rockies were 18-28 with Clint Hurdle and 56-32 without him.

-- They also lead the NL Wildcard by 1 game.

-- You do the math.

-- Memo to all Pharmaceutical Companies: I know it's big business and all but can you please stop focusing on pills that make our dicks harder and start focusing on pills that actually cure something?

-- We need solutions. Not revenue generating pacifiers.

-- Memo to MLB: Make a decision to release or destroy the infamous "103" list during THIS off season so leaked names don't ruin the fan's enjoyment of watching games NEXT season.

-- My vote is to destroy the mothafucker.

-- Lots of memos this week. Good thing I'm stocked up on Post-it Notes!

-- Trimming their quarterback depth chart to two by releasing Andrew Walter should tell you all you need to know about the health of Tom Brady's shoulder going into to Week 1.

-- Or maybe Bill has his eye on another quarterback.

-- Is it me or did Papelbon really start throwing again after his job was "threatened" by the signing of Billy Wagner?

-- Quote of the Week II comes from a teammate on my Sunday morning basketball team when reacting to me posting up our opponents point guard and hitting a no look lay up off glass: "You should shoot not looking at the basket more often."

-- For the record it's a patented move from my, albeit small, repertoire.

-- I've said it before and I'll say it again: Put Me On by Bobby Ray, aka B.o.B, is an absolute fucking jam.

-- Shaq needs to worry more about his foul shooting skills and less about his popping skills with the JabbaWokeeZ or his choke slamming skills in the WWE if he wants to win a championship in Cleveland.
-- JAM!

-- A compound found in blue M&M dye, called Brilliant BlueG, has been found to prevent permanent damage that typically follows a traumatic spinal cord injury.

-- The side effect, however, is BBG turns the patient blue.

-- So THAT'S why there wasn't a Wheelchair Smurf!

-- Durf.

-- Living in Rhode Island again for the past 11 months has taught me one thing: the "douche-bag" population has reached its peak and needs to be thwarted by incorporating "how to be awesome" classes into our general education curriculum.

-- Congratulations on a great career, Tedy. I'm looking forward to the made-for-TV movie.

-- In all seriousness, you will be missed as the field general and heart of our defense. Good luck in the next phase of your life.

-- The LFL is further proof that some people think "half-naked" women are the best medicine for tough times.

-- Jackie Danico of the New England Euphoria supports that school of thought:



-- But the smart ones know the real solution is the "all-naked" variety.

-- Just when my love affair with Hugh Hefner had plateaued Playboy goes and combines my two favorite things with their Best But Bracket promotion: http://brackets.playboy.com/butts

-- Can't wait to see...

**pun alert**pun alert**

-- ...how it ends.

-- Thanks for the applause. Be sure to tip your waitresses.

GGD: Boobs

Last week I began a conversation based on the Gender Debate that always seems to be a 'hot button topic' for society. [See: The Great Gender Debate: Opening Arguments, Joyce, 8/14/09]

In that dialogue I made the following statement:

"Life is about all those little victories that make up our own individual definition of what happiness is. Some of those victories, along with the resulting happinesses, are EXTREMELY gender specific."

Caught up? Good. Moving along...

As the title of this chapter of the Great Gender Debate suggests we're going to delve into the "cleavage" of one of my favorite topics:
B-O-O-B-S. Boobs. BOOBS. BOOBS!

(See what I did there?)

Don't fret, ladies. This blog isn't going to be a "Playboy Pictorial" view on the female anatomy. It's going to be an educational "after-school-special," if you will, that will grant you V.I.P access into the male infatuation with the home of your mammary glands.

So let's ask the million dollar question: Why do guys like boobs?

Be warned, ladies. As I address that question don't be fooled by its rhetorical nature or by the answer that is commonly provided: Men like boobs because WE DON'T HAVE THEM.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

It's more complicated than you can begin to imagine.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

I'm not suggesting that men like every resident of Boobville.

For example: some implants are really awful, "Easty/Westys" just aren't natural and "Marty Feldmans" are plain fucking weird.

Don't know about Marty Feldmans?



Yikes.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

Listen, ladies. I'm not going to bore you with all the sexual and practical reasons guys love boobs. You already know them all. If you didn't, bras wouldn't be a billion dollar industry and none of us men would have been breast fed.

Sorry Victoria. Your secret is out.

What I AM going to do is tell you what you DON'T know. Specifically this: men see breasts as the great equalizer. When we see a woman's breasts it's a victory for us. Exposed areolae means WE WIN!

I know that's not the answer you're used to hearing and you might be asking, "How?"

Good question.

To fully answer the "How?" we have to let the boys breathe and take a peek at man's best friend: his penis.

Good thing I manscaped.

A man's ego is almost entirely tied to that most important part of HIS body. Every man walking is a direct reflection of his penis size. I don't need to elaborate on that assessment, dear readers. I'm a guy. I know it to be true and now you know it too.

Trust me.

Now, the only body part on a female that has the same type of "self worth" quality attached to it is the breast. Women's egos are closely tied to their breast size. (Again, girls, if it wasn't -- there wouldn't be a push-up bra or breast implants.)

So now you're probably asking: "What the hell do BOOBS have to do with a man's ego?" Again, easy answer. And I'll use an example to get my point across instead of "talking."

A man sees a really hot girl. Maybe even a girl that is so hot she is officially "out of his league." (Most female movie stars fit in to this equation, and I'll get to that in Boobs II.) Now, if that man is lucky enough to get that girl drunk enough to see her boobs, he has won. What has he won? An ego boost.
Because upon seeing said BOOBS there will be 1 of 2 results:

1) The hot girls' boobs are so disgusting that when she takes her bra off, they look like two pillow cases with quarters in the bottom of them. The hot girl is suddenly not so hot and the man can walk away armed with that knowledge making the girl's "hotness" null and void.

2) The hot girls' boobs are so perfect that he wants to keep them around for a while and show them off to all his friends. Why would a man do that? He gets to boost his ego by walking around with a woman that has perfect boobage.

In both cases it's Man's Ego 1, Boobs 0.

It's not about the id. It's not about the superego. It's all about the ego.

Think about it. You MUST have some guy friends, right? How many times have you heard a guy say, "She's not that hot, but she has great tits."? In truth, you can insert ANY adjective in the place of great and the same goal is achieved. That goal, of course, is the guy "justifying" an "ugly" girl so his ego can remain intact. The BOOBS are the equalizer in that equation.

How do I know? Have you ever heard a guy say, "Ya, she's ugly and she has really awful tits but she has a great personality!"

Exactly.

Everything we do, as men, is in some way stroking our ego. Why do you think we masturbate so much?

(to be continued....)

The Great Gender Debate: Opening Arguments

I feel the gender debate suffers from, what I like to call, obvious ignorance. General opinion seems to be "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." And that, dear readers, is where most of the confusion starts.

Now I don't claim to be an archeologist or historian or anything. But last I checked, and correct me if I'm wrong, we're actually both "from" Earth.

Not Mars. Not fucking Venus. Earth.

Unless, of course, I fell asleep in my Western Civilization class when the teacher elaborated on that epic moment in Earth's history when: "the Earth, full of dinosaurs, was attacked by two spaceships: one from Mars, one from Venus. And instead of destroying 'Earth' these intruders became docile, decided to procreate, and started to build shopping malls and shit."

C'mon. We're not from different planets, y'all. We're simply on different teams. More importantly (and this is where I get insightful) we both have very, VERY, different definitions of what "winning" is.

And, whether you want to admit it or not, that's what life's all about folks: WINNING.

Are you still with me?

Life is about all those little victories that make up our own individual definition of what happiness is. Some of those victories, along with the resulting happinesses, are EXTREMELY gender specific.

That's the reason I'm opening the gender debate door, dear readers. I'm going to step inside and analyze some of the rationale behind what MY gender feels the idea of winning translates into.

Don't fret, boys. I'm not going to expose our team goals, objectives, gender secrets or anything like that. I'm simply going to provide some insight that the ladies may find beneficial in their effort to understand us.

It's your proverbial win/win situation.

Stay tuned.