News Bulletin: Fashion Police

I just saw a man wearing yellow pants.

Listen, guys, I know we're at a disadvantage in the fashion world. A woman's body is inherently FAR more attractive than our hairy frames could EVER be. (Although, I dated a Portuguese girl in the 8th grade and, when I rounded second, well, um.....YIKES.)

I KNOW that they have infinitely more options than we do when it comes to what to wear and how to wear it. Not only do they have more options they also have all that "Female Fashion Propaganda." I don't think it's an official organization or anything but, I know it exists, and it lays down the rules of fashion for women everywhere.

How do I know? Because everywhere I look -- magazines, the internet, E!, cable television, newspapers, etc. -- I see "EXPERT" advice for every woman on what to wear, how to wear it, when to wear it, what colors they should consider wearing for that particular season and, of course, WHERE TO BUY IT.

Just ask Stacy and Clinton.

It's really what propaganda is all about. You construct a specific message to create a desired response. In this case, the "message" is the trendy fashion and the "desired response" is to transform a "want" into a "purchase."

Consumerism at its finest!

[MENTAL APPETIZER: START]

Are men saturated with "sports propaganda" like women are buried with "fashion propaganda?"

Hmm.

I know things are changing a little bit with the birth of the metro-sexual but the simple fact remains: MOST MEN CARE ABOUT SPORT THE WAY MOST WOMEN CARE ABOUT FASHION.

I wonder if that's a product of genetic disposition or the byproduct of social influence?

[MENTAL APPETIZER: END]

Now, because men don't have the same focus on fashion that women do it allows us, as a gender, to wear questionable outfits without repercussion.

That needs to end.

Guys, I'm going to give a couple "NON-NEGOTIABLE" standards when it comes to fashion. If we expect so much of women and how they dress maybe we should hold ourselves to higher standards.

Hear me out.

I'm not coming down from the mountain top with The Ten Fashion Commandments. And I'm not trying to cripple the expression of the individual. I'm simply hoping to provide some guidelines that all men of any age group, class or culture can apply to their daily clothing habits.

I'll apologize in advance for the callous tone, fellas. Consider it a needed dose of tough love.

Here goes:

-- Unless you're some kind of villain with a handlebar mustache, you're not allowed to WEAR YELLOW PANTS. This one is important. I don't care if it's Memorial Day. I don't care if you're yachting. YOU CAN'T WEAR YELLOW PANTS. EVER.

-- Nothing makes a guy look more like an exchange student than wearing a SHORT SLEEVED DRESS SHIRT WITH A TIE. It didn't look good on Sypowitz. It's doesn't look good on you.

-- Hey, Granola Boy, DON'T WEAR SOCKS WITH SANDALS. I appreciate that you like to wear hemp, smoke pot and "float on." But spare me the socks with sandals look.

-- PLEASE DON'T WEAR JERSIES WITH OTHER MEN'S NAME ON THE BACK OF THEM. What's your last name? My guess is it's not Garnett, Brady or Jeter. How do I know? They're multi-million dollar athletes. You're a skinny white kid with a shirt on that's 5 times to big working at fucking Stop & Shop. It may look good on 50, but it looks stupid on you.

-- Under no circumstances can you wear SHANTS. Although, I appreciate the guessing game, "Are they shorts? Are they pants? Are they shorts? Are they pants?" I DON'T KNOW. Neither do you, so throw them away.

-- Why must you POP YOUR COLLAR? Unless you're an Elvis Impersonator, this is strictly a no-no. Thank you....thank you very much.

-- If Uncle Jessie can't pull off the t-shirt and suspenders look, neither can you. I mean, seriously. Do I even have to say it? C'mon. FUCKING SUSPENDERS WITH A T-SHIRT???

-- Guys, it's embarrassing. How could you ever imagine that black dress socks with shorts and white sneakers is a good casual look? You know why they're called "dress" socks, right? YES YOU DO. Don't play stupid with me. Go to your room and change.

-- Can someone please tell me how to stop the Seersucker Suit Revolution. If you're really that interested in wearing strips go do some time in a Turkish Prison.

-- Last I checked, you don't live in a little lamp. AND you don't have the ability to grant me 3 wishes. If you did, I could excuse the turban. But, under the circumstances...NO! NO. FUCKING. TURBANS. Derka, Derka, Derka.

Did I forget anything? Of COURSE I did. This list isn't comprehensive. It's simply a work in progress. And, as a work in progress, your thoughts and comments can help make it more complete, dear readers. Please include them below.

I know I don't have to sell my female readers on why they should offer suggestions. The benefits are obvious. As for my male demographic: Now is not the time to be selfish, gentlemen. If you have any suggestions please provide them at this time.

Either way, the above list is a starting point that men should attempt to follow regardless of the amount of class participation I receive.

Please try and follow it. Please? Please, Mr. Hairy Chest Wearing a V-Neck T-Shirt with Gold Chains...PLEASE!