The Morning After: NFL Playoffs

Football gods are real.

Watching this weekend's NFL Playoff games was proof positive that Football gods are real. Very real. So real, in fact, that I think we need to stop speculating over their existence and start formulating a belief system for a structured Football-based religion.

That's right, I said it.

And, now that it's out in the open, let's try and reach a mutual understanding of exactly what I'm talking about. Don't be afraid to trail blaze with me, dear readers. This isn't the 1690s. There won't be any hangings or drownings associated with the open discussion of a new religion.

This is 2009, baby! A time when anyone can say pretty much whatever they want regardless of how ridiculous it sounds. I know George W. has my back on that one...

[SIDE NOTE: START]

Forget that we live in a world of George W. Bush's strategery. We also live in a world with Scientology, a religion created by the science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard.

Have you ever investigated the belief structure of Scientology?

It's scary stuff, folks. What's scarier is that some people ACTUALLY believe it.

Enjoy the Kool Aid!

[SIDE NOTE: END]

As is ALWAYS the case, readers, I can hear the questions starting. "What?! What, Mr. SportsandThoughts, could you have POSSIBLY seen this past weekend to make you think that Football gods are real?"

I appreciate the respect, but you don't have to call me "Mr." (You can call me "Daddy," but, that's a different discussion for a different time.)

I can also hear a few folks in the back "whispering" about how much I had to drink.

I'll address both those questions.

Before I do so, though, I'd like to ask those folks in the back to play by the rules. When you have something to share with the group -- share it. Don't whisper your opinions to a select few. If I'm going to express my opinions and open myself up to ridicule -- I expect the same from you. "Whisper" again and I'll be forced to throw an eraser at your head.

Moving on...

I'll admit it. I did have a few drinks while watching the games this weekend. Football and libations are a good pairing. However, the alcohol consumed *burp* had zero effect on my newly suggested religion. (BRB. Gotta go pee....)

The "immediate cause" for my absolute belief in Football gods was Eli Manning's performance against the Eagles. Eli played like, well, Eli. He threw heartbreaking interceptions, which was his M.O. before last year's postseason, causing the Giants offense to sputter. His weekend performance also accentuates how amazing his play was in last year's Super Bowl against the Patriots.

(Ok, we're going to get pretty "deep" here, y'all. Stay focused.)

So how can the same quarterback be the Super Bowl MVP one year and the main reason his team loses in the Playoffs as the #1 seed the next?

Easy: Football gods.

The Football gods didn't want the Patriots to win the Super Bowl and complete the perfect season last year. We all know "gods" frown upon perfection. Teams are a reflection of its players. And players are, by nature, imperfect. I mean, c'mon, players can't be perfect because gods are.

Once the gods heard Junior Seau's AFC Championship post game interview they made their decision. Seau said, as he looked off camera into the distance, "This team has the chance to be part of ever. EVER."

2 things, Junior. First, you should have said "forever." Second, don't ever tempt the gods. EVER.

Duh.

(Gotta pee again. Broke the seal too early...)

To prevent perfection, and the egos associated with it, the gods helped Eli play well above his natural capabilities en route to a Super Bowl victory. (The gods LOVE reminding players how imperfect they are!)

In addition to stopping perfection, the Giants victory solidified a sport first (another thing the Football gods LOVE.) Peyton and Eli are the first set of brothers to win back-to-back Super Bowl MVPs. *golf clap*

In reality, it was probably the only chance the gods had to make that happen. I mean, seriously, how many brothers are going to be starting quarterbacks for different NFL teams in back-to-back Super Bowls?

My gut tells me one of the gods won a pool when Eli won that Super Bowl.

If you can't follow that rationale than the miracle catch by David Tyree, who didn't even make an NFL roster this year, proves my point just as effectively. Think about that for a second: The man who made the greatest catch in Super Bowl history isn't even in the league this year. You really don't think the Football gods had any hand in that?

Someone in the back is trying to ask something: If Football gods didn't want any team to feel perfect than why did they let the '72 Dolphins complete the perfect season?

Good question.

The answer is pretty simple. In the early 70's, the NFL had recently merged with the upstart AFL and was seen as a "bully." Football, as a game, needed a polarizing storyline to help propel its popularity and increase its fan base. Football gods can't exist if the sport they represent disappears.

The result: Dolphin Perfection.

While that perfect season helped the NFL increased its fan base, it also produced a handful of mediocre Hall of Famer's who didn't get inducted on individual merit but rather on the coattails of a perfect season. Having a watered down talent pool in the Hall of Fame isn't good for the game -- and the protection of that game is top priority to the gods.

Plus, Mercury Morris hasn't shut up since 1972.

The gods want to make sure those things NEVER happen again.

Shut up Mercury. You're pissing me off.

More importantly, you're making the gods angry.

-------------------
The Big Question
-------------------

I could go on-and-on with my rationale but I feel, very strongly in fact, that the above examples are proof enough of the Football gods existence. IF you need more evidence, dear readers, I could easily elaborate on any number of Football related topics or questions. (I've put three below.)

1. Why the Patriots were allowed to finish 11-5 and not make the Playoffs.

2. Why the Cardinals are going to win this weekend and go to the Super Bowl.

3. Why Tom Brady is never really going to play football again.

But I don't want the belief in the Football gods to be based solely on MY questions. I believe in them. Period. What I'm trying to do is convince YOU of their existence. And, to accomplish that, I'll require YOUR questions.

Which brings us to this week's Big Question.

Q: What Football related event would you like the Football gods to explain?

Here's how this will work: you'll send me a question and I'll explain how the outcome/result was decided by the Football gods as well as how it benefited the game of Football.

You've been given a direct line to the Football gods, dear readers. Choose your questions wisely.

------------------
Quick Thinking
------------------

-- All four teams in the hunt for the Vince Lombardi Trophy are proving the NFL's oldest adage: defense wins championships.

-- Any questions, Bill?

-- They say today's NFL is a quarterback driven league. If that's true: the Steelers are a lock to win the Super Bowl. A LOCK.

-- Or "Cement." (as my brother Timmy says when he has an unbeatable hand while playing any card game.)

-- TIMMY!!!!

-- Am I the only one that thinks Eric Mangini threw that game against the Dolphins because he knew he'd land on his feet in Cleveland?

-- Or as a final "Eff You!" to our beloved Patriots and Mr. Belichick?

-- The NFL will miss Tony Dungy.

-- Even if you don't like rap music, listen to Mos Def's new single Life in Marvelous Times. Don't focus on the bass line, focus on the words.

-- REALLY listen. Trust me.

-- Social networking sites, like Facebook and MySpace, are redefining the meaning of the word "Friend."

-- I wore the same number in my sports career as Forrest Gump. That makes me feel a bit uneasy despite his fictitious status.

-- Scott Van Pelt is the best talent at ESPN. And it's not even close.

-- Speaking of talent, did anyone see the close up of Mr. Belichick and his girlfriend during the broadcast of the BCS Championship Game? Seems Bill and Tom are going over more than X's & O's during their game plan meetings.

-- All major NCAA Football programs didn't achieve integration until 1972. Think about that when you watch this year's Inauguration.

-- While browsing CNNHealth.com, I came across a headline that read "Study finds troubled teens usually become troubled adults."

-- In a related study, I discovered that white teenagers typically become white adults. (You can thank me later for my efforts.)

-- How awkward will that post-game handshake be between Bill and Josh when the Pats visit Denver next season?

-- Timm-aaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!

-- Whenever I see Hillary Clinton speaking on TV, I can't help but think one thing: Is her dick bigger than mine?

-- We need less snow blowers and more shovels.

-- Kurt Warner may not be playing old, but he sure-as-shit looks old.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that if Adam finds himself in jail as a result of these new allegations his nickname will be FudgePacMan Jones.

-- HEEEEEYYYY-OOOOOOOO. I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

-- If I was asked to start an NFL franchise, I would start with Ben Roethlisberger.

-- Hines Ward is a close second.

-- Quote of the Week comes from my boy Sean when discussing the obvious oversight by men who date exotic dancers, "They're screwing the whole 'fantasy' thing up...you're not supposed to KEEP THEM."

-- R.I.P Political Correctness.

-- I'm starting to think I'm the only person that has never seen an episode of American Idol.

-- Before you cast your disbelief vote: I just recently found out that Katherine McPhee was on American Idol.

-- I simply thought she was another hot singer who married a creepy old guy.

-- Correction: Really, really, really hot singer. http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee178/noe_photobucket/katharine_mcphee_l2.jpg

-- The porn industry is asking for a bail out. I refuse to believe things have gotten so bad that people are too broke to masturbate.

-- Last I checked, masturbation was free. Or am I doing it wrong?

-- Congratulations to Jerod Mayo being named AP Defensive Rookie of the Year. He received 49 of 50 possible votes.

-- Mayo also led the Patriots with a team high 137 tackles.

-- After 15 ballot appearances, Jim Rice finally made the Hall of Fame. Slow and steady, folks. Slow and steady.

-- Quote of the Week II comes from my 12 year old nephew when asking me how much I weighed, "Really? My dad weighs 220 pounds. But you're ripped. Dad's all apple crisp, Ben & Jerry's and Gregg's chocolate cake."

-- I'm pretty sure he's just lobbying for a good birthday gift. And it's working.

-- His political future is intact.

-- Quote of the Week III comes from a strange girl who couldn't understand why I wasn't available and wouldn't take her out on a date, "I thought you were a man, but I guess I was wrong."

-- Strange Girl: 1. Originality: 0.

-- Why can't the Patriots get defensive players like Asante Samuel?

-- Oh, wait...

The Morning After: End Game '08

8 days late & 1 win short.

I've lived this past week or so trying to pretend it wasn't all THAT important the Patriots missed the Playoffs. It wasn't...was it? There are far more important things in this world than your favorite football team making the Playoffs, right? RIGHT?!?

I mean, c'mon....it's the NEW YEAR! It's time for optimism to reign, baby. January jumps on the scene giving us the best holiday gift of all: a clean slate. That should outweigh a Patriot-less Playoff.

Shouldn't it?

Ok, ok. Then if getting a clean slate isn't enough to assuage the anguish of the New England Patriots misfortune maybe this will help: January is also the time of year when we all get to use one of my favorite displace-the-blame-and-be-forgiven-immediately phrases of all time. That will certainly help!

Won't it?

Well, even if it doesn't, I'm going to share it with you anyway.

(Wait for it. Wait...for...it...)

Here goes: "I know, but, that was last year."

Other than its "being forgiven instantly" quality, you know the best part about this genius little phrase? You can say it a million different ways! (Ok, maybe not a MILLION...but, at least a few thousand.) And, more importantly, it's appropriate in nearly ANY situation.

Think about the possibilities!

You can emphasize any part (or parts) of the phrase you want to give it a unique effect. Add that to the limitless number of situations in which it can be used and you have one of the greatest "Get Out of Jail Free" responses of all time.

I'm not going to bore you with a bunch of examples, dear readers. I think the strength of this phrase is such that justification through examples isn't necessary.

I will, however, encourage you to use the phrase as much as possible over the next few weeks. If you're alone, make a concentrated effort to do so. If you're in a group, make a concerted one to do so. Regardless of the "effort" you chose I'll bet that this phrase will work perfectly in almost any situation.

Be brutal, dear readers. Test it's limitations.

See?! Now doesn't that assignment make you feel better about the Patriots missing the Playoffs?

No.

Really?

Shit. Who am I kidding? I don't feel better either. The disappointment hangover has been quite persistent. I hope it ends soon...

The problem is this: I just can't stop thinking about the fact that the 2008 New England Patriots became the first 11-5 team to miss the Playoffs since the league expanded to a 12 team field in 1990.

You're trying to tell me the Patriots aren't one of the 12 best teams in the league?

Well, they're not. As the man who saved our franchise, Bill Parcells, once said: "You are what your record says you are." And, in this case, our record says we weren't good enough to make the Playoffs.

It's a sad truth. A really sad truth, actually.

What makes it more frustrating is there's a good chance we may never see it happen again. Not in our lifetime...to any other 11-5 team...ever.

But, hey, lets look on the bright side.

At least it happened last year.

-------------------
The Big Question
-------------------

This week's Big Question is going to dig a little deeper.

We all do things that we regret. Just like great accomplishments, dear readers, our greatest mistakes can be recalled with the same ease and accuracy. That said:

Q: What's the ONE THING you wish you didn't do in 2008 that my "genius phrase" can't seem to erase or justify?

Grab your shovels and be honest.

You know what? I'll even start.

A: MY biggest regret from 2008 happened in March. I punched a complete stranger in the face. He came up from behind me with his friend attempting to start a fight and I ended it with one instinctual jab. I ended up shattering his orbital bone. Despite the fact that it was last year and I was acting in self defense, I still regret throwing the punch. I should have put him in a headlock and given him knuggies or something.

Violence isn't the answer when dealing with drunken idiots. Idiocy is.

I hope I can do better in 2009.

-----------------
Quick Thinking
-----------------

-- The Mayne Event isn't funny. Not even a little bit.

-- That said, I wish I had Kenny's agent so I could get a deal like his.

-- T.O. exhausts me.

-- So does Ray Lewis.

-- The phrase "to a man" needs to be retired from our sports talk lexicon.

-- I don't even like her music but, when Beyonce is on the screen, I can't look away.

-- If pressed into the situation I've decided that I will always cut the blue wire. Always.

-- I hope Mr. Farve goes quickly and quietly.

-- Captain Math tells me 11-5 in the AFC East is better than 8-8 in the AFC West, the NFL's worst division.

-- But the NFL tells me the Patriots weren't good enough to be in the Playoffs.

-- The winners of the Patriots Pick Pool, who guessed the Patriots would finish 11-5 during the Labor Day Festivities in Little Compton this Summer were: Ed Roderick, Terri Griffin, Louise Colinan, Sean Joyce & Terrence Joyce. *golf clap*

-- The losers were the other 43 people who played.

-- Quote of the Week comes from ESPN's Merrill Hodge when analyzing Mr. Farve's Week 17 performance: "Well, there are turnovers. And then there are turnovers for points." Um, WHAT?!

-- And he's considered an NFL "expert."

-- I don't miss Vin Diesel. Not even a little bit.

-- Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I'd cut the red wire.

-- Was it me, or did Tiki Barber want to kiss Kurt Warner during their post game interview on Saturday?

-- I shouldn't judge. In reality, maybe Kurt wanted to kiss Tiki. He is more attractive than Kurt's wife: http://www.femmefan.com/site/images/featurepics/03_04Season/Brenda-Warner-and-Nails.jpg

-- Quote of the Week II comes from Big Nick while we were discussing this year's AFC Playoff match ups. "I don't even care about the Playoffs this year. Like, who gives a fuck about the Colts in San Diego? I hope the stadium explodes."

-- I only wish I knew how he really felt.

-- You know that ESPN and the NFL are a powerful combination when Chris Berman is a diet plan spokesman.

-- We should all thank Matt Cassell for turning a lost season into a "near miss."

-- As I mentioned weeks ago, I would not want to go into battle with Mr. Romo. Tony threw up on himself again against the Eagles when the stakes were at their highest.

-- Nostolgic Quote of the Week comes from me. When walking into a bar in DC back in 2000 with my boys Larry and Mike, we stumbled upon 3 beautiful bartenders and 2 attractive girls kissing in a booth near the bar. Mike asked, "So what do you think of DC?" To which I replied, "I'm liking everything about everything."

-- It seems that Dane Cook's 15 minutes have expired. Celebrate accordingly.

-- The PGA needs Tiger Woods to be healthy as soon as possible.

-- The Silence of the Lambs gets funnier every time I watch it.

-- If you haven't done so already, read the late David Halberstam's The Best and the Brightest.

-- While you're at it, read all of his work.

-- Caribou Coffee and Kemps have joined forces to bring us Energy Milk (aka Coffee Milk). Leave it to a Rhode Island company to ignore the rest of the country and allow a Minnesota-based chain to bring our state drink to the masses.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Autocrat will now change it's logo to an ostrich.

-- If you put your ear to the tracks, dear readers, you can hear the Patriots 2009 season coming down the tracks. And Tom Brady isn't on the train.

-- He's somewhere doing rehab and getting therapy on his knee.

-- Or maybe he's watching Giselle strut on a catwalk in her undies and a pair of angel wings.

-- Either way, Matt Cassell will be our starting quarterback on Kickoff Sunday.

The Morning After: Bye Week

Bye Week

I have some good news and bad news this week, dear readers.

Let's start with the bad news: The Morning After has a bye scheduled this week.

But, on the good news front, there are only about 2 people who actually read my blog. (Sorry Mom & Dad.)

The Morning After will be back next week.

Same sports time. Same thoughts channel.

And, if Santa is real, we'll be back discussing the Patriots first round Playoff matchup.

The Morning After: Week 15

The '08-'09 Patriots may become the second 11-5 team to miss the Playoffs.

The above statement isn't unlikely, dear readers. It's probable. And it's a very hard truth the face.

Finishing the season 11-5 used to guarantee a Playoff berth. But, this year, there's a good chance that even if we win the remainder of our games and finish 11-5 we'll end up as the 7th best team in the AFC. One spot out of the playoff race...on the outside looking in.

Parity at its best.

But, as fans, I think we need to take a step back. We can't worry about the "why" or "how" questions. All those questions are moot. We can't be passive at this time of year, y'all. We can't just sit on the couch with a beer in one hand and a remote in the other HOPING for good things to happen. We NEED to be active.

Actually, I'll take that a step further.

It's our moral imperative to be active during this time of year, dear readers. And I'm not just talking about in our "fandom" here. I'm taking about our lives.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

Listen, I understand that it's really easy to be inactive during this time of year: The weather is shitty. The economy sucks. Buying gifts doesn't feel like the responsible thing to do. Mall Santa's are scary and smell like moth balls. Egg nog is icky. Christmas sweaters are offensive to the eyes. 1 in 10 of us in RI are unemployed.

Bad times. I get it. But curling up on the couch, watching movies and waiting for a better day isn't the solution.

Do me a favor -- better yet, do yourself a favor -- don't use any of those things as excuses. Don't wait until midnight on 12/31/08 to start thinking about what kind of person you want to be on 1/1/09.

Start today.

Take risks: Call the sibling you haven't spoken to in a while and see how they're doing. Forgive someone. Clean your house. Be active in the life of someone who doesn't expect it. Tell that friend of 5 years that you'd like to be more than friends. Organize. Be on time. Make sure your parents know you love them (especially if they've made it clear they don't love you.) Smile. Tell your husband you had an affair and you're sorry. Open a door for a stranger. Give a homeless guy a buck. Be active.

I know you understand what I'm trying to say, readers. And I know it's not easy. But, if you don't take risks, you're not challenging yourself. If you're not challenging yourself, you're never going to grow as a person. And, if you're not going to grow as a person, you become one of those characters from the movie you're on the couch watching over and over -- the same person trapped in time.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

Enough motivational pep-talking. Moving on...

What we need to do is understand what NEEDS to happen for us to NOT be the first 11-5 team out of the Playoffs. Who needs to win? Who needs to lose? WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN FOR THE PATRIOTS TO GET INTO THE PLAYOFFS?!

Great question. Let's answer it.

We all need to do something that isn't allowed under any other circumstance. But, desperate situations call for desperate measures.

So what isn't typically allowed that will be allowed the next 2 weeks?

Here goes: We, as fans, need to cheer for other teams. And I'm not talking about pulling for your fantasy team here.

I'm talking about feeling for other teams what you feel for the Patriots. You need to immerse yourself, emotionally, into teams that can help us make the playoffs.

Even if you hate them, you have to root for the Cowboys on Saturday. And, if that fails, you have to pull for the Seahawks and Chiefs on Sunday. No, you can't just "check" to see if they won. You can't just "hope." You have to follow each game like it was a Patriots game. Get emotionally involved. Make the sacrifice.

If you do that, our potential playoff berth will be sweeter than the 16-0 mark that took us there last year. A million times sweeter.

It'll be worth it. I promise.

-------------------
The Big Question
-------------------

This week's Big Question is speculative. And, while I'm not a big fan of speculation, I have no choice but to pose the below question. My hope is simple: the more that we talk about the Patriots in the Playoffs the better chance they have of making it. Right?

Visualize it with me, dear readers. VI--SU--A--LIZE.

Q: If the Patriots make the Playoffs this year, who would you like them to play in the first round?

-----------------
Quick Thinking
-----------------

-- Kudos to Matt Cassell for his professionalism and team commitment following the loss of his father.

-- Rajon Rondo made Deron Williams, widely regarded as one of the best young point guards in the NBA, look pretty pedestrian last night.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Buddy is going to move to Illinois and run for governor.

-- Jennifer Aniston is wearing one tie too many on the cover of GQ.

-- Quote of the week comes from Nicholas Martin. With 9:26 left in the 3rd Quarter the Raiders were facing a 4th & 26 and I asked, "What's in the playbook for this situation?" To which he replied, "A punt."

-- Brain Food: On Sunday, Wes Welker became the 8th player in NFL history with consecutive 100 catch seasons. Can you name the other 7? (Answer below)

-- Randy Moss had 2 touchdown catches on Sunday and neither were the result of a fade route. Coincidence?

-- Probably not. Josh isn't reading my blog yet.

-- But maybe Randy is.

-- Or maybe the Raiders secondary is just as bad as ours.

-- Memo to Brad Bitt: you made the wrong decision, friend.

-- The Mighty Boosh's Old Gregg is, at first glance, confusing silliness.

-- However, after a few viewings, Old Gregg shows it's true colors as comedic genius.

-- Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir.

-- The soap opera that has become the Dallas Cowboys just got more interesting after they beat the Giants on Sunday.

-- If they beat the Ravens on Saturday night EVEN I may start liking them.

-- Get your popcorn ready.

-- Speaking of getting your popcorn ready, the Christmas Work Party Season is officially upon us. Get your cell phone cameras ready, too.

-- And your local DUI Lawyer's business card.

-- Kanye's 808s and Heartbreak single-handily proves the age old adage that money and celebrity status doesn't necessarily translate into happiness.

-- Forgive me if I don't weep for him.

-- Here's a little gem from the season finale of Californication: "When a beautiful woman is kind enough to kiss you, you kiss her right back. There's no telling where that kiss will take you."

-- Hopefully, it doesn't take you to the Walk-In Clinic.

-- The more games that are decided by the referees, the more I question the integrity of the NFL.

-- Memo to all the toddlers sitting and crying on a mall Santa's lap: Let the tears flow. I'd be freaked out, too.

-- "Men's Jewelry Store" is an oxymoron.

-- I miss Pizza Inn @ School St. in Lincoln, RI.

-- Brain Food Answer: Sterling Sharpe, Cris Carter, Jerry Rice, Herman Moore, Marvin Harrison, Rod Smith & Randy Moss.

-- Just when it seemed Kurt Warner had overcome the career changing loss he suffered at the hands of a Belichick defense in SuperBowl XXXVI with an MVP caliber season, he visits Gillette Stadium with the Patriots' season on the line.

-- I'll give you 3 guesses who I'm putting my money on.

-- And the first 2 don't count.

The Morning After: Week 14

In this week's version of The Morning After, I'd like to start by shedding light on some questions I've been asked....Wait. Someone in the back of the class has their hand up...What? I need to take a step back?

OKAY, ok...I began today's article with 'In this week's version...' Starting in that manner implies there were predecessors to this week's The Morning After despite the fact that it's the pilot. So, truth be told, today is actually the official unveiling of The Morning After.

I hear the questions, dear readers. I hear them! And WHAT, pray tell, is The Morning After?

Allow me to answer.

The Morning After is a recap of the previous NFL week's action (naturally it will focus on the New England Patriots.) I'll also offer a seasoning of other observations from time-to-time...some fairly obvious and others, hopefully, are moderately insightful. The Morning After will typically run every Tuesday until the Playoffs and then, ultimately, 'til the end of the Patriots' season.

While it's a fairly obvious observation I'd still like to extend my thanks to the reader who had the courage to raise their hand and question me. Thanks for keeping me honest, dear reader. Kudos to you.

**golf clap**

Was I trying to be sneaky? No. I just didn't want there to be a big ribbon cutting ceremony or anything. I'm afraid of scissors. I didn't heed the words of my teachers in grade school and ran with a pair once. The turnout wasn't pretty and I'd rather not discuss it.

Thanks for not pressing me about it. Moving along...

-----------------------------------
The Morning After: Week 14
-----------------------------------

The '08-'09 Patriots are proving NFL's oldest adage: defense wins championships.

I'm getting a little tired of hearing people complain about the Patriots defense. Why you ask? Well, because it's such an obvious statement: 'Our defense sucks!'

Duh.

If you disagree, puuuu-LEASE stop reading. Better yet, tell the person reading this to you to stop reading. Because if you disagree with that statement you're obviously not intelligent enough to read. Just go to bed now and I'll tell you when Santa arrives.

Numbers don't lie, folks. Our third down stop percentage and red zone defense stats are laughable.

The real question is 'Why?' Why is our defense so bad? Let's investigate.

Is it our weak secondary? And describing as 'weak' is being kind. My gut says no.

Is it the injuries? I don't think so. Injuries are part of football.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

I feel injuries to bad players don't really count as injuries. I consider it the NFL's version of survival of the fittest. When the slowest antelope gets eaten by a lion is it really bad for the entire herd? Not initially. It may be really bad for the SECOND slowest antelope but the herd, as a whole, should be fine. However, when the entire herd is slow, bigger problems get exposed. And that's what the majority of our defense has become: a group of slow antelope.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

Is it because we just wooed a 39 year old surfer out of retirement to fill a need on our team? That HAS to be a rhetorical question, right? Take a step back and think about that for a second. Seau actually FILLS A NEED. The guy who got juked out of his shoes by Deion Branch fills a need.

Name one other NFL team that he could play for today. I'll give you a sec to think about it...

**jeopardy music**

See, you can't do it. That speaks VOLUMES about the current state of our defense.

Is it the football 'gods' getting us back from tip-toeing around perfection last year? Could be. (I wish they'd do more to stop Mercury Morris from speaking, but that's me.)

Listen, I could go on-and-on analyzing the symptoms of our defense. But we want to try and find the real answer to 'Why' instead of complaining about the obvious symptoms, don't we? Yes. Yes we do.

The real issue: personnel decisions. Our defense started showing signs of this imminent breakdown during the second half of the 2006 AFC Championship Game. And, since that heartbreaking loss, nothing has been done to address our defense.

Our knee jerk reaction following that loss was to pump up our offense. And pump it up we did. Sure, our offense produced a record-breaking touchdown extravaganza and a 16-0 regular season record last year but it didn't produce a championship. The offense, who's prowess helped our weak defense hide in plain sight all year, couldn't carry us to 19-0. The 'D' faltered during the final minutes of the 'Big Game' and we lost making 18-1 part of pop culture lexicon.

Was last year entertaining? Yes. Was it satisfying? Not even close. That loss will haunt me, and every other Pats fan, the rest of our lives. Other seasons haven't been as entertaining but they've ended with championships. Our defense won our three championships NOT our record breaking offense.

We need to get back to that.

Now, with DEFENSE being the big problem this past off season, how did we respond? We responded by signing Deltha O'Neal. Ouch.

Listen, I'm not questioning Belichick's schemes or game plans. Belichick is a great coach. He's done the best to bring in players based on availability. But, to me, it's not about what he's done. It's about what he HASN'T done. I wish he would have tried to keep some other strong defensive players as opposed to losing them to free agency and thinking his schemes will work with whoever he has. I also think its nothing short of miraculous that we're even IN the playoff hunt this year. But even the best schemes can't hide the biggest issue with our defense: AGE.

We may be the smartest team in football but we're also one of the oldest. We're old, y'all. For us to have a chance and sustain our recent run of success we need to get younger and tougher on defense.

You know what I really miss? Our arrogance. Our defense used to be an arrogant bunch, readers. They WANTED to be on the field. They wanted to win games for us. As they've aged, though, it seems to me they've taken a 'workers approach' to their job. They're doing enough to get by but not doing anything really spectacular.

Can you name, off the top of your head, the last 'big hit' you've seen a Patriots defender make? And I'm talking a Ryan Clark on Wes Welker type hit. The kind of hit that makes you stand up, cover your mouth and scream 'OOOOOooooohhhh.' The kind of hit you look for on YouTube the next day.

I can't. And I'm going to consider our defense old and tired until I see one.

I hope it happens soon.

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The Big Question
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Which brings us this week's Big Question: Why do YOU think our defense has become one of the worst in the league?

Oh, right: ground rules. The Big Question will be part of every The Morning After. Answers should be given in the comments area. BE CANDID. Any and all thoughts and comments are allowed. But please have something intelligent to say instead of "FIRST!!!!"

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Week 14 Quick Thinking
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-- Matt Cassel still looks like someone who is just happy to be playing as opposed to a franchise quarterback.

-- Which is good, because if I have to hear one more idiot say 'Maybe we should trade Brady'...

-- Christian Bale's voice as Batman in The Dark Knight is laughable. Heath Leger's performance as The Joker is not. Gotta love irony.

-- It's only been a week but I already miss Entourage.

-- Seau is a symptom, not the problem.

-- Memo to the Patriots' secondary: It's not ok to celebrate after breaking up a pass play. That's your job. Stop celebrating for doing your job.

-- On the other hand, Merriweather, it IS ok for you to celebrate when you force a fumble to clinch a victory.

-- Wes Welker is the warmest security blanket EVER!

-- Can someone please tell Mr. McDaniels that Randy Moss CAN run a quick slant in the red zone instead of fade route after fade route.

-- Shit, he lives in Lincoln now. Maybe I should go tell Randy myself.

-- I feel a little sick every time I watch Matt Cassell throw a deep pass.

-- And when someone drinks seasonal snot (a.k.a Egg Nog.)

-- Tony Romo is someone I would like to have drinks with but not the kind of guy I'd want to 'have my back' when it counts...like in a bar fight.

-- Or when catching a snap to set up a winning field goal in the Playoffs.

-- Californication has the best dialogue of any show on cable.

-- Is it me or does Jabar Gaffney have money AGAINST the Patriots every week?

-- Does the defense?

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Andre Tippett will be suiting up against the Raiders this weekend.

-- I miss Asante Samuel.

-- And Ty Law, for that matter.

-- Seeing Belichick smile after beating the Seahawks should tell you all you need to know about the Patriots chances in the Playoffs this year.

-- If they make it.

-- Speaking of Belichick, did you see his post game handshake with Holmgren this week? It appeared he actually SPOKE to him.

-- And who says there are no more miracles around the Holidays?!

-- Christmas music is overrated.

-- Will T.O. be wearing sunglasses during his post-season cry this year?

-- Cassell's stats have more to do with a weak defense than a strong offense.

-- I'd rather see BenJarvus Green-Ellis than Sammy Morris.

-- And it's not because he has one of the best nicknames in recent memory: LawFirm. It's because he runs like he has something to prove.

-- Just like Wes Welker.

A Not-So-Perfect Ending

Dear Mr. Belichick,

Thank-you for wearing your red "Sunday-best" hoodie during the Super Bowl.

As a metro sexual, I'm aware of how taxing wardrobe decisions can be (second only, of course, to manscaping my hair pants.) Especially when deciding between the color of those trend setting, cut-off-at-the-elbow, mid-sleeve sweatshirts you wear.

Decisions...decisions, right?Option 1
The GRAY one, which you've made the best selling sweatshirt in Patriots Pro Shop history, gives you the esteemed look of a homeless-man that happened to find a headset and sneak his way onto the sideline of every Patriots game. It also displays your ability to compromise in life -- you don't see things in black-and-white, Bill. As a pioneer, you see life in "shades of gray." It's very inspirational....I'm weepy. Really.Option 2
The RED one, which appears to be your upgraded going-out-on-the town version, misses the mark a little bit. You looked more like a little brother who got a hand-me-down. And, to get that tailored fit, you cut off the sleeves at the elbow. Last I checked, William, you're a 55-year-old NFL head coach and not a 10-year-old little brother trying to emulate your older siblings.

Maybe I'm being too hard on you, Bill. (It's ok if I call you Bill, right?) Maybe the unprofessional hoodie-look is a product of the 500,000 dollar fine you were issued this year and your clothes budget suffered. Maybe....but I doubt it.

So, what is a fashionably challenged NFL coach to do when gearing up for the Super Bowl? Homeless Chic vs. Juvenile Elegance? Tough spot, Coach. Tough. Spot.

Well, as a fellow man who has battled similar wardrobe dilemmas, let me offer a bit of advice: Ready?

Instead of concentrating on which hoodie to wear for two weeks maybe you should have focused more on your fucking game plan.

Maybe you should have worried more about the Giants defense (Brady's giggling remark when hearing about Plaxico's prediction spoke volumes.)

Maybe you should have grabbed your Offensive Coordinator, 31-year-old Josh McDaniels, and told him to worry about winning the game as opposed to not trying to lose it.

Maybe you should have allowed the Giants blitz happy defense to over-pursue and drop a few draw plays to Faulk or Maroney.

Maybe you shouldn't have started the fucking game with a play-action pass. You need to run to set up the play-action, William. C'mon. That's a rookie mistake...

Maybe you should have kicked a 48 yard field goal instead of going for it on 4th and 13.

Maybe you should have run a spread, no-huddle offense in the second half to keep the Giants injured secondary on the field and their front 4 fatigued.

Maybe you should have lead by example and stayed on the field with 1 second remaining instead of running into the tunnel like a school-yard bully who just got beat up by the smallest kid during recess.

And maybe, just maybe, you should sit down with the team and, instead of dishing it out, eat a big, heaping serving of HUMBLE PIE.

Maybe, Bill, maybe...

Maybe if you did some of those things you would have finished the season 19-0. Maybe not. But, the bottom line is -- you lost.

Your Patriots..no, strike that. MY Patriots got beat, Bill. MY PATRIOTS. They're my team, too. I don't get paid to watch them or be affiliated with them. In fact, the opposite is true. I sacrifice to be a fan, Mr. Belichick. I do it out of love. And, as we both know, a bi-product of love is the potential of heartbreak.

You broke my heart on Sunday.

Let's take a step back. We don't want our emotions to get the best of us. Our relationship is too important to jeopardize at this point, Bill. We've been thru a LOT the past 7 seasons. I don't want to throw it all away because of one bad game.

So let's find the silver lining. Sure, you may have lost the Super Bowl and squandered your chance to immortalize the 2007-2008 Patriots.

But on the bright side, Bill: at least you looked good doing it.

Best Regards,

Terrence Joyce
Spokesman, Patriot Nation