The Morning After: End Game '08

8 days late & 1 win short.

I've lived this past week or so trying to pretend it wasn't all THAT important the Patriots missed the Playoffs. It wasn't...was it? There are far more important things in this world than your favorite football team making the Playoffs, right? RIGHT?!?

I mean, c'mon....it's the NEW YEAR! It's time for optimism to reign, baby. January jumps on the scene giving us the best holiday gift of all: a clean slate. That should outweigh a Patriot-less Playoff.

Shouldn't it?

Ok, ok. Then if getting a clean slate isn't enough to assuage the anguish of the New England Patriots misfortune maybe this will help: January is also the time of year when we all get to use one of my favorite displace-the-blame-and-be-forgiven-immediately phrases of all time. That will certainly help!

Won't it?

Well, even if it doesn't, I'm going to share it with you anyway.

(Wait for it. Wait...for...it...)

Here goes: "I know, but, that was last year."

Other than its "being forgiven instantly" quality, you know the best part about this genius little phrase? You can say it a million different ways! (Ok, maybe not a MILLION...but, at least a few thousand.) And, more importantly, it's appropriate in nearly ANY situation.

Think about the possibilities!

You can emphasize any part (or parts) of the phrase you want to give it a unique effect. Add that to the limitless number of situations in which it can be used and you have one of the greatest "Get Out of Jail Free" responses of all time.

I'm not going to bore you with a bunch of examples, dear readers. I think the strength of this phrase is such that justification through examples isn't necessary.

I will, however, encourage you to use the phrase as much as possible over the next few weeks. If you're alone, make a concentrated effort to do so. If you're in a group, make a concerted one to do so. Regardless of the "effort" you chose I'll bet that this phrase will work perfectly in almost any situation.

Be brutal, dear readers. Test it's limitations.

See?! Now doesn't that assignment make you feel better about the Patriots missing the Playoffs?

No.

Really?

Shit. Who am I kidding? I don't feel better either. The disappointment hangover has been quite persistent. I hope it ends soon...

The problem is this: I just can't stop thinking about the fact that the 2008 New England Patriots became the first 11-5 team to miss the Playoffs since the league expanded to a 12 team field in 1990.

You're trying to tell me the Patriots aren't one of the 12 best teams in the league?

Well, they're not. As the man who saved our franchise, Bill Parcells, once said: "You are what your record says you are." And, in this case, our record says we weren't good enough to make the Playoffs.

It's a sad truth. A really sad truth, actually.

What makes it more frustrating is there's a good chance we may never see it happen again. Not in our lifetime...to any other 11-5 team...ever.

But, hey, lets look on the bright side.

At least it happened last year.

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The Big Question
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This week's Big Question is going to dig a little deeper.

We all do things that we regret. Just like great accomplishments, dear readers, our greatest mistakes can be recalled with the same ease and accuracy. That said:

Q: What's the ONE THING you wish you didn't do in 2008 that my "genius phrase" can't seem to erase or justify?

Grab your shovels and be honest.

You know what? I'll even start.

A: MY biggest regret from 2008 happened in March. I punched a complete stranger in the face. He came up from behind me with his friend attempting to start a fight and I ended it with one instinctual jab. I ended up shattering his orbital bone. Despite the fact that it was last year and I was acting in self defense, I still regret throwing the punch. I should have put him in a headlock and given him knuggies or something.

Violence isn't the answer when dealing with drunken idiots. Idiocy is.

I hope I can do better in 2009.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The Mayne Event isn't funny. Not even a little bit.

-- That said, I wish I had Kenny's agent so I could get a deal like his.

-- T.O. exhausts me.

-- So does Ray Lewis.

-- The phrase "to a man" needs to be retired from our sports talk lexicon.

-- I don't even like her music but, when Beyonce is on the screen, I can't look away.

-- If pressed into the situation I've decided that I will always cut the blue wire. Always.

-- I hope Mr. Farve goes quickly and quietly.

-- Captain Math tells me 11-5 in the AFC East is better than 8-8 in the AFC West, the NFL's worst division.

-- But the NFL tells me the Patriots weren't good enough to be in the Playoffs.

-- The winners of the Patriots Pick Pool, who guessed the Patriots would finish 11-5 during the Labor Day Festivities in Little Compton this Summer were: Ed Roderick, Terri Griffin, Louise Colinan, Sean Joyce & Terrence Joyce. *golf clap*

-- The losers were the other 43 people who played.

-- Quote of the Week comes from ESPN's Merrill Hodge when analyzing Mr. Farve's Week 17 performance: "Well, there are turnovers. And then there are turnovers for points." Um, WHAT?!

-- And he's considered an NFL "expert."

-- I don't miss Vin Diesel. Not even a little bit.

-- Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I'd cut the red wire.

-- Was it me, or did Tiki Barber want to kiss Kurt Warner during their post game interview on Saturday?

-- I shouldn't judge. In reality, maybe Kurt wanted to kiss Tiki. He is more attractive than Kurt's wife: http://www.femmefan.com/site/images/featurepics/03_04Season/Brenda-Warner-and-Nails.jpg

-- Quote of the Week II comes from Big Nick while we were discussing this year's AFC Playoff match ups. "I don't even care about the Playoffs this year. Like, who gives a fuck about the Colts in San Diego? I hope the stadium explodes."

-- I only wish I knew how he really felt.

-- You know that ESPN and the NFL are a powerful combination when Chris Berman is a diet plan spokesman.

-- We should all thank Matt Cassell for turning a lost season into a "near miss."

-- As I mentioned weeks ago, I would not want to go into battle with Mr. Romo. Tony threw up on himself again against the Eagles when the stakes were at their highest.

-- Nostolgic Quote of the Week comes from me. When walking into a bar in DC back in 2000 with my boys Larry and Mike, we stumbled upon 3 beautiful bartenders and 2 attractive girls kissing in a booth near the bar. Mike asked, "So what do you think of DC?" To which I replied, "I'm liking everything about everything."

-- It seems that Dane Cook's 15 minutes have expired. Celebrate accordingly.

-- The PGA needs Tiger Woods to be healthy as soon as possible.

-- The Silence of the Lambs gets funnier every time I watch it.

-- If you haven't done so already, read the late David Halberstam's The Best and the Brightest.

-- While you're at it, read all of his work.

-- Caribou Coffee and Kemps have joined forces to bring us Energy Milk (aka Coffee Milk). Leave it to a Rhode Island company to ignore the rest of the country and allow a Minnesota-based chain to bring our state drink to the masses.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Autocrat will now change it's logo to an ostrich.

-- If you put your ear to the tracks, dear readers, you can hear the Patriots 2009 season coming down the tracks. And Tom Brady isn't on the train.

-- He's somewhere doing rehab and getting therapy on his knee.

-- Or maybe he's watching Giselle strut on a catwalk in her undies and a pair of angel wings.

-- Either way, Matt Cassell will be our starting quarterback on Kickoff Sunday.