This next admission may surprise a lot of you seeing that I'm from Rhode Island - a state second only to New Jersey in its love of tanning salons - but, believe it or not, I don't have a ton of "going tanning" experience.
Believe it.
I did, however, learn the first rule of tanning booth etiquette the hard way yesterday and I feel compelled to pass this information on to all of you today. Said lesson, similar to the rules of engagement during sex, is simply this: clench, don't release.
While attempting to desperately hang on to the tan I acquired during a recent trip to the Cayman Islands I went tanning yesterday. The high-powered ceiling fan provides nothing but false hope, dear readers, so do not, I repeat, DO NOT fart while in a standing tanning booth.
Or any tanning booth for that matter.
The result is a methane and food infused, skin-burned stench of epic proportions that no man or woman should ever have to endure.
Ever.
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Quick Thinking
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-- Anthony Rodriguez is the biggest albatross in the history of professional sports.
-- And the Yankees are paying him 28 million dollars this year for his, um, "contributions."
-- But, hey, at least he's not caught in another PED controversy or anything.
-- Red Sox Nation should thank their lucky stars we were usurped by the Yankees when attempting to sign him back in 2003.
-- We should also thank our lucky stars for the yearly re-signing of Big Papi.
-- The anti-ARod.
-- Mariah Carey needs to go away.
-- Sad Social Commentary Note of the Week: The most honest person in an individual's life is the one who has nothing to gain - perceived or actual - by association.
-- Let that statement simmer before you disregard based on its "obvious scale" score.
-- Sad Social Commentary Note of the Week II: The saddest part is those people are almost always dismissed by individuals as "strangers" who "don't know what the hell they're talking about."
-- Maybe they do, though.
-- The current iteration of this Bruins' team actually has me tuning in.
-- I love hockey.
-- Rest in Peace Esther Williams, the former Olympic swimmer and actress, who passed away in her sleep yesterday at the ripe old age of 91.
-- She achieved mythical sex symbol status in the 40's and was affectionately dubbed "Hollywood's Mermaid."
-- I've always been more partial to female centaurs myself.
-- But that's me.
-- Hopefully fellow Olympian and wanna-be actor Ryan Lochte follows in her footsteps.
