2 Things: Perception is Reality

ONE: Age Awareness

I've always felt I was aging gracefully. That is, until recently.

My mother gifted me with a baby face confounding even the most astute age prognosticators. Fatherhood actually makes me feel younger than I am at times. And, while I'm a bit thinner on top, I figure I'm doing pretty good at a field-goal away from 40. But then I looked down after a recent manscaping session and it hit me: my balls are looking pretty fucking wrinkled.

That's right. I said it.

My newly noticed wrinkly balls made me feel suddenly old.

The thing is, I'm not sure if they've always been this wrinkled or not. I mean, all balls are wrinkled, right? Do balls get more wrinkled as you age? I have been using more blue label Gold Bond powder than lotion lately, though, so maybe that as opposed to age is the culprit.

Don't judge me. I like how it tingles.

TWO: Big Contradictions in Small Packages

Speaking of age, the older I get the more I realize one's profession dictates how one is perceived by others. And I'm not talking about doctors or lawyers being respected because of their chosen careers, y'all. What I am talking about is how an individual's profession can be used as an excuse for his behavior.

Let's take the old Napoleon Complex as a for instance. You know, men who's insecurity is overcome with excessive compensation. We all have a few men of small stature in our lives who can be a bit on the abrasive side. But, instead of universally labeling each an "asshole," we let their job mandate our opinion of them.

Small athletes are applauded for their effort and big hearts. Small white collar professionals are awarded for their tenacity. Small blue collar workers are credited as being "the salt of the earth." Socially, these guys are just assholes, but their jobs provide a cloak of acceptance and tolerance.

And I'm not saying it's a ubiquitous theorem or anything. It works in most cases, but not all. I mean, small porn stars are, well, just small.

But I'm sure they try real hard.

Quick Thinking: Rerun

We may be on opposite coasts, but us New Englanders have a unique understanding of the quarterback controversy currently circling around the San Francisco 49ers. After all, we watched the movie a decade ago.

Same plot. Different stars.

Our proven veteran sidelined by injury was played by a stoic Drew Bledsoe, not Alex Smith. And our hungry rookie wasn't Colin Kaepernick, but another at-the-time-unknown named Tom Brady. Defensive hits play the rapscallion in both interpretations: Mo Lewis then, Jo-Lonn Dunbar now. (Great villainous screen names, by the way.)

So rest easy, Bay Area. I think after the season has ended, you'll find Alex Smith playing poorly for another team and you'll have Mr. Kaepernick at the helm of 49er Nation.

Is he the next Tom Brady? That's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is you now have the two pieces essential to winning in today's league: A great coach and a very talented, hard-working, coachable quarterback. Enjoy the next decade.

Or however long the Harbaugh/Kaepernick marriage lasts.

--------------------
Quick Thinking
--------------------

-- The New England Patriots have a chance in the course of three weeks to show us, the delegates of Patriot Nation, if they're simply a regular season winning machine or a solid playoff team ready to make a legitimate run at another Super Bowl.

-- And they don't have to win all 3 games to do so.

-- But home-cooking means they should.

-- This is how I feel I look when I dance.



-- This is how I probably look, though.



-- I don't feel cheated because Lance Armstrong built a multi-million dollar empire of hope out of beating foes, including cancer, with lies, bribes and drugs.

-- I feel cheated because his pep talk at the end of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story wasn't just Hollywood bullshit.

-- It was actual bullshit.

-- Man am I glad I never got caught on that yellow, livestrong wristband bandwagon back in '04.

-- Score 1 for the skeptic!

-- And for using "band" back-to-back in two different words.

-- Speaking of cheating, NFL players being suspended for Adderall use doesn't feel that big to me.

-- And it certainly doesn't feel like they're using it as a masking agent.

-- I mean, seriously, it's quite clear the majority of the NFL is on steroids or some mixed cocktail of performance enhancing drugs.

-- But do a little homework before you think taking a stimulant helps mask said use.

-- Because it doesn't.

-- Players most likely take Adderall to stay focused, improve endurance, reduce fatigue and sharpen their alertness when studying tape, learning game plans and performing on the field.

-- Which they're asked to do a lot more frequently this season.

-- And I don't hear any owner, fan, fantasy team manager, coach, or bettor complaining about it on Sunday.

-- Or Monday Night.

-- Or Thursday Night, for that matter.

-- Oh, or Saturday Night in late December.

-- Yup, definitely can't think of any logical reason why more players are testing positive for a stimulant these days.

-- Other than to mask their obvious steroid and PED use, of course.