The Morning After: Then There Were Two

The best thing about NFL Championship Sunday was the foreseeable blunder of Brett Favre when the game was on the line. While Mr. Favre's career numbers with Green Bay, New York and Minnesota may be enviable, his propensity to fail those teams in big spots is not.

Consider the interceptions karmic punishment from the sports gods, dear readers. Punishment for holding teams hostage in the previous years as Brett pondered retirement. Punishment for feeding his ego by creating a media frenzy following every indecisive day. Punishment for biding his time with the Jets so he could be signed by the Vikings to exact revenge on the Packers for his dishonorable discharge. His habitual miscues are a clear message from the sports gods' that one man's need to repair his ego is not bigger than the game.

I hope Brett is listening this off-season.

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Quick Thinking
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-- J-E-T-S...suck, Suck, SUCK!

-- Scheduling Note: The Pro-Bowl will be played on Sunday, January 31st at 7:30 pm.

-- Ignore accordingly.

-- PC Basketball seems to have taken a big step back after last year's promising season.

-- With apologies to all the folks who would've loved to reciprocate an elbow, push or flagrant foul that wasn't whistled, the pain in my titanium-laced joints has finally forced me into basketball retirement.

-- That groan you just heard was from Big Nick because he knows he'll have to do all the dirty work now.

-- Am I the only one that feels a sense of accomplishment after clogging a toilet?

-- The NFL's two best teams are in the Super Bowl.

-- Brett Favre won't retire this time for the same reason he couldn't retire all those other times: He doesn't want his last play from scrimmage to be an interception that led to an NFC Championship loss.

-- You know what they say, Brett - once is an accident, twice is a coincidence and three times is a trend. Your capacity for choking when the stakes are at their highest is a trend.

-- And not the kind that people want to copy.

-- Oh, and as me and my boy Mac were texting following your recent choke Sunday, we hope Desmond Howard and Drew Bledsoe are still on your Christmas card list for that Super Bowl XXXI victory.

-- Simple As... is another head bobbin' jam from Kid Cudi.

-- But not in a gay way.

-- Glen Davis would like to shed the "Big Baby" moniker in place of being called "Uno Uno."

-- I know, right?

-- Seeing old friends is the best way to remember how easy life used to be.

-- While seeing old friends' pictures of you is the best way to remember the name of the barber you no longer go to.

-- It makes me a little sad that because of Jersey Shore the disparity between New Jersey douche bags and Rhode Island douche bags no longer exists.

-- Each character on that show exceed all acceptable levels of douchebagery.

-- Wouldn't you agree, Erik?

-- And those who watch it are a special kind of "wannabe" douche bags.

-- That's right, I said it.

-- Painful Reality Check of the Week: It appears Tom Brady's work ethic & Peyton Manning's whining have switched places.

-- When The Game Was Ours by Larry Bird & Magic Johnson, with help from Jackie McMullen, is an insightful look into the basketball landscape of the late 70's, 80's and early 90's.

-- Quote of the Week is credited to Larry Bird, from page 47 of said book, in response to how he felt about his Indiana State teammates being jealous of all the attention he received in college, "Hell, I'm jealous of them too. I'm jealous because I never got to play with a Larry Bird."

-- Tough to argue with that.

-- The book also tells the story of how the foundation for the basketball world we know today was created.

-- Thanks Magic.

-- Thanks Larry.

-- Despite this creepy commercial.

Too Soon?

Bitter break-ups are all around us, dear readers. Entertainment television and grocery store magazine racks inundate us with images of celebrity relationships gone sour. And, if that wasn't reminder enough, we see it occur with friends and family members in our everyday lives.

Even late night TV, a place of comedic respite for viewers winding down from a long day, is currently entrenched in a relationship controversy. NBC plans to send Conan O'Brien packing, with a rumored settlement check of $45 million dollars in his pocket, after only 7 months as host of the Tonight Show.

[SIDE NOTE: START]

Can you believe NBC wants Conan gone so badly they're paying him so much to do so?

I can't.

On the off chance you read this, Conan, I would like to offer a sincere thank you for all the ridiculous characters and bits you introduced to the world during your television career. I'll miss the hair, Vomiting Kermit, Pimpbot 5000, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, La Bamba, Andy's Little Sister, Joel Godard, Mr. T, Bob Dole, Conando, Wax Tom Cruise & Fonz, Horny Manatee, Recliner of Rage and In the Year 2000.

But I'll miss you most of all, Masterbating Bear.

[SIDE NOTE: END]

With Conan's final show and the age old adages of "laughter is the best medicine" & "time heals all wounds" serving as my inspiration -- or justification -- I feel it's time I'm allowed a humorous public quip, which I created on someecards.com, concerning my failed marriage from nearly 7 years ago.

If I'm wrong and it's still too soon I suppose I'll be the guy checking IDs in hell. I really hope I'm not, though. Because, with my perspiration issues, eternity will be one endless underarm sweat stain.



Some might call it cold-hearted. Others will consider it cathartic.

I agree with the latter.

The Morning After: And So It Goes...

This year's NFL Playoffs have reinforced the age old adage that, in the football game of life, the apple certainly does not fall far from the tree. Or, more specifically, a team's performance always reflects their coach's personality.

Always.

Listen, dear readers. I could go down the entire list of 2009 Playoff coaches and their respective team's on field play to help prove a point. But, I feel that would be a waste of time because the opening statement is self-evident. I'm simply trying to highlight the importance of coach's attitude and how it effects his team's play.

People say "coaches coach and players play," implying the two are mutually exclusive. They're not. NFL coaches and players personify the definition of a co-dependent relationship where each amplifies the weaknesses, and strengths, of the other.

You still want an example, don't you? Okay, I'll give in.

Let's look at our beloved New England Patriots. Coach Belichick projects a matter-of-fact attitude -- with a sprinkle of self entitlement -- and usually comes across as indifferent. And how did our team look against Baltimore last Sunday?

Exactly.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The only thing I really miss since the Patriots' season ended 10 days ago is the video web site segment Belichick Breakdown.

-- Well, that, and the fact that coach is referred to as "The Belestrator" while analyzing game film during the show.

-- Awesome nickname.

-- Helps humanize coach Belichick a little bit.

-- Blanket Memo of the Week: While we're talking about nicknames, I'd like to offer a sincere thank you to all the girls I've ever dated for never giving me the pet name "moopsie."

-- Question of the Week goes out to all the ladies in the crowd. Maybe I've been asleep at the wheel but when exactly did country music become the universal aphrodisiac?

-- Would someone please break Brett Favre's hip and put an end to the egomaniacal roller coaster that has becoming his football legacy.

-- The best golfer in the world, renowned for his mental toughness & focus, is going to therapy for sexual addiction implying he had no control over his transgressions and feels a bit disingenuous to me.

-- Wonder if Elin is buying it.

-- Would be more believable if you vanished in the Woods of Wisdom, Tiger.

-- Zen Question of the Week: If something you never really wanted in the first place decides to go away, did you still lose it?

-- The 2009 Jets remind me of the young, hungry team we were blessed with in 2001.

-- I hope you rediscover the hunger in 2010, boys.

-- Especially you, Mr. Bundchen.

-- Congratulations to Kerry Ceurvels Martin, my dear childhood friend's wife, who is being inducted into the Salve Regina Basketball Hall of Fame this weekend.

-- 1080 points and 1155 rebounds are incredible accomplishments, Worm. Enjoy the well-deserved recognition.

-- Oh, and thanks for letting me violate some of your friends during my college days.

-- Celebrity Look Alike Award of the Week goes to my cousin Joe for being the spitting image of Daddy Warbucks while wearing his tuxedo.



-- Beats looking like Punjab, brother.

-- Sage Advice of the Week goes to all my married friends out there. When you find yourself in a group of single guys engaged in "locker room talk" please don't try and contribute with stories of you and your wife's sexual escapades.

-- Ever.

-- Seriously. EV-ER.

-- It's gross.