The Morning After: NFL Playoffs

Football gods are real.

Watching this weekend's NFL Playoff games was proof positive that Football gods are real. Very real. So real, in fact, that I think we need to stop speculating over their existence and start formulating a belief system for a structured Football-based religion.

That's right, I said it.

And, now that it's out in the open, let's try and reach a mutual understanding of exactly what I'm talking about. Don't be afraid to trail blaze with me, dear readers. This isn't the 1690s. There won't be any hangings or drownings associated with the open discussion of a new religion.

This is 2009, baby! A time when anyone can say pretty much whatever they want regardless of how ridiculous it sounds. I know George W. has my back on that one...

[SIDE NOTE: START]

Forget that we live in a world of George W. Bush's strategery. We also live in a world with Scientology, a religion created by the science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard.

Have you ever investigated the belief structure of Scientology?

It's scary stuff, folks. What's scarier is that some people ACTUALLY believe it.

Enjoy the Kool Aid!

[SIDE NOTE: END]

As is ALWAYS the case, readers, I can hear the questions starting. "What?! What, Mr. SportsandThoughts, could you have POSSIBLY seen this past weekend to make you think that Football gods are real?"

I appreciate the respect, but you don't have to call me "Mr." (You can call me "Daddy," but, that's a different discussion for a different time.)

I can also hear a few folks in the back "whispering" about how much I had to drink.

I'll address both those questions.

Before I do so, though, I'd like to ask those folks in the back to play by the rules. When you have something to share with the group -- share it. Don't whisper your opinions to a select few. If I'm going to express my opinions and open myself up to ridicule -- I expect the same from you. "Whisper" again and I'll be forced to throw an eraser at your head.

Moving on...

I'll admit it. I did have a few drinks while watching the games this weekend. Football and libations are a good pairing. However, the alcohol consumed *burp* had zero effect on my newly suggested religion. (BRB. Gotta go pee....)

The "immediate cause" for my absolute belief in Football gods was Eli Manning's performance against the Eagles. Eli played like, well, Eli. He threw heartbreaking interceptions, which was his M.O. before last year's postseason, causing the Giants offense to sputter. His weekend performance also accentuates how amazing his play was in last year's Super Bowl against the Patriots.

(Ok, we're going to get pretty "deep" here, y'all. Stay focused.)

So how can the same quarterback be the Super Bowl MVP one year and the main reason his team loses in the Playoffs as the #1 seed the next?

Easy: Football gods.

The Football gods didn't want the Patriots to win the Super Bowl and complete the perfect season last year. We all know "gods" frown upon perfection. Teams are a reflection of its players. And players are, by nature, imperfect. I mean, c'mon, players can't be perfect because gods are.

Once the gods heard Junior Seau's AFC Championship post game interview they made their decision. Seau said, as he looked off camera into the distance, "This team has the chance to be part of ever. EVER."

2 things, Junior. First, you should have said "forever." Second, don't ever tempt the gods. EVER.

Duh.

(Gotta pee again. Broke the seal too early...)

To prevent perfection, and the egos associated with it, the gods helped Eli play well above his natural capabilities en route to a Super Bowl victory. (The gods LOVE reminding players how imperfect they are!)

In addition to stopping perfection, the Giants victory solidified a sport first (another thing the Football gods LOVE.) Peyton and Eli are the first set of brothers to win back-to-back Super Bowl MVPs. *golf clap*

In reality, it was probably the only chance the gods had to make that happen. I mean, seriously, how many brothers are going to be starting quarterbacks for different NFL teams in back-to-back Super Bowls?

My gut tells me one of the gods won a pool when Eli won that Super Bowl.

If you can't follow that rationale than the miracle catch by David Tyree, who didn't even make an NFL roster this year, proves my point just as effectively. Think about that for a second: The man who made the greatest catch in Super Bowl history isn't even in the league this year. You really don't think the Football gods had any hand in that?

Someone in the back is trying to ask something: If Football gods didn't want any team to feel perfect than why did they let the '72 Dolphins complete the perfect season?

Good question.

The answer is pretty simple. In the early 70's, the NFL had recently merged with the upstart AFL and was seen as a "bully." Football, as a game, needed a polarizing storyline to help propel its popularity and increase its fan base. Football gods can't exist if the sport they represent disappears.

The result: Dolphin Perfection.

While that perfect season helped the NFL increased its fan base, it also produced a handful of mediocre Hall of Famer's who didn't get inducted on individual merit but rather on the coattails of a perfect season. Having a watered down talent pool in the Hall of Fame isn't good for the game -- and the protection of that game is top priority to the gods.

Plus, Mercury Morris hasn't shut up since 1972.

The gods want to make sure those things NEVER happen again.

Shut up Mercury. You're pissing me off.

More importantly, you're making the gods angry.

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The Big Question
-------------------

I could go on-and-on with my rationale but I feel, very strongly in fact, that the above examples are proof enough of the Football gods existence. IF you need more evidence, dear readers, I could easily elaborate on any number of Football related topics or questions. (I've put three below.)

1. Why the Patriots were allowed to finish 11-5 and not make the Playoffs.

2. Why the Cardinals are going to win this weekend and go to the Super Bowl.

3. Why Tom Brady is never really going to play football again.

But I don't want the belief in the Football gods to be based solely on MY questions. I believe in them. Period. What I'm trying to do is convince YOU of their existence. And, to accomplish that, I'll require YOUR questions.

Which brings us to this week's Big Question.

Q: What Football related event would you like the Football gods to explain?

Here's how this will work: you'll send me a question and I'll explain how the outcome/result was decided by the Football gods as well as how it benefited the game of Football.

You've been given a direct line to the Football gods, dear readers. Choose your questions wisely.

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Quick Thinking
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-- All four teams in the hunt for the Vince Lombardi Trophy are proving the NFL's oldest adage: defense wins championships.

-- Any questions, Bill?

-- They say today's NFL is a quarterback driven league. If that's true: the Steelers are a lock to win the Super Bowl. A LOCK.

-- Or "Cement." (as my brother Timmy says when he has an unbeatable hand while playing any card game.)

-- TIMMY!!!!

-- Am I the only one that thinks Eric Mangini threw that game against the Dolphins because he knew he'd land on his feet in Cleveland?

-- Or as a final "Eff You!" to our beloved Patriots and Mr. Belichick?

-- The NFL will miss Tony Dungy.

-- Even if you don't like rap music, listen to Mos Def's new single Life in Marvelous Times. Don't focus on the bass line, focus on the words.

-- REALLY listen. Trust me.

-- Social networking sites, like Facebook and MySpace, are redefining the meaning of the word "Friend."

-- I wore the same number in my sports career as Forrest Gump. That makes me feel a bit uneasy despite his fictitious status.

-- Scott Van Pelt is the best talent at ESPN. And it's not even close.

-- Speaking of talent, did anyone see the close up of Mr. Belichick and his girlfriend during the broadcast of the BCS Championship Game? Seems Bill and Tom are going over more than X's & O's during their game plan meetings.

-- All major NCAA Football programs didn't achieve integration until 1972. Think about that when you watch this year's Inauguration.

-- While browsing CNNHealth.com, I came across a headline that read "Study finds troubled teens usually become troubled adults."

-- In a related study, I discovered that white teenagers typically become white adults. (You can thank me later for my efforts.)

-- How awkward will that post-game handshake be between Bill and Josh when the Pats visit Denver next season?

-- Timm-aaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!

-- Whenever I see Hillary Clinton speaking on TV, I can't help but think one thing: Is her dick bigger than mine?

-- We need less snow blowers and more shovels.

-- Kurt Warner may not be playing old, but he sure-as-shit looks old.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that if Adam finds himself in jail as a result of these new allegations his nickname will be FudgePacMan Jones.

-- HEEEEEYYYY-OOOOOOOO. I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

-- If I was asked to start an NFL franchise, I would start with Ben Roethlisberger.

-- Hines Ward is a close second.

-- Quote of the Week comes from my boy Sean when discussing the obvious oversight by men who date exotic dancers, "They're screwing the whole 'fantasy' thing up...you're not supposed to KEEP THEM."

-- R.I.P Political Correctness.

-- I'm starting to think I'm the only person that has never seen an episode of American Idol.

-- Before you cast your disbelief vote: I just recently found out that Katherine McPhee was on American Idol.

-- I simply thought she was another hot singer who married a creepy old guy.

-- Correction: Really, really, really hot singer. http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee178/noe_photobucket/katharine_mcphee_l2.jpg

-- The porn industry is asking for a bail out. I refuse to believe things have gotten so bad that people are too broke to masturbate.

-- Last I checked, masturbation was free. Or am I doing it wrong?

-- Congratulations to Jerod Mayo being named AP Defensive Rookie of the Year. He received 49 of 50 possible votes.

-- Mayo also led the Patriots with a team high 137 tackles.

-- After 15 ballot appearances, Jim Rice finally made the Hall of Fame. Slow and steady, folks. Slow and steady.

-- Quote of the Week II comes from my 12 year old nephew when asking me how much I weighed, "Really? My dad weighs 220 pounds. But you're ripped. Dad's all apple crisp, Ben & Jerry's and Gregg's chocolate cake."

-- I'm pretty sure he's just lobbying for a good birthday gift. And it's working.

-- His political future is intact.

-- Quote of the Week III comes from a strange girl who couldn't understand why I wasn't available and wouldn't take her out on a date, "I thought you were a man, but I guess I was wrong."

-- Strange Girl: 1. Originality: 0.

-- Why can't the Patriots get defensive players like Asante Samuel?

-- Oh, wait...

The Morning After: End Game '08

8 days late & 1 win short.

I've lived this past week or so trying to pretend it wasn't all THAT important the Patriots missed the Playoffs. It wasn't...was it? There are far more important things in this world than your favorite football team making the Playoffs, right? RIGHT?!?

I mean, c'mon....it's the NEW YEAR! It's time for optimism to reign, baby. January jumps on the scene giving us the best holiday gift of all: a clean slate. That should outweigh a Patriot-less Playoff.

Shouldn't it?

Ok, ok. Then if getting a clean slate isn't enough to assuage the anguish of the New England Patriots misfortune maybe this will help: January is also the time of year when we all get to use one of my favorite displace-the-blame-and-be-forgiven-immediately phrases of all time. That will certainly help!

Won't it?

Well, even if it doesn't, I'm going to share it with you anyway.

(Wait for it. Wait...for...it...)

Here goes: "I know, but, that was last year."

Other than its "being forgiven instantly" quality, you know the best part about this genius little phrase? You can say it a million different ways! (Ok, maybe not a MILLION...but, at least a few thousand.) And, more importantly, it's appropriate in nearly ANY situation.

Think about the possibilities!

You can emphasize any part (or parts) of the phrase you want to give it a unique effect. Add that to the limitless number of situations in which it can be used and you have one of the greatest "Get Out of Jail Free" responses of all time.

I'm not going to bore you with a bunch of examples, dear readers. I think the strength of this phrase is such that justification through examples isn't necessary.

I will, however, encourage you to use the phrase as much as possible over the next few weeks. If you're alone, make a concentrated effort to do so. If you're in a group, make a concerted one to do so. Regardless of the "effort" you chose I'll bet that this phrase will work perfectly in almost any situation.

Be brutal, dear readers. Test it's limitations.

See?! Now doesn't that assignment make you feel better about the Patriots missing the Playoffs?

No.

Really?

Shit. Who am I kidding? I don't feel better either. The disappointment hangover has been quite persistent. I hope it ends soon...

The problem is this: I just can't stop thinking about the fact that the 2008 New England Patriots became the first 11-5 team to miss the Playoffs since the league expanded to a 12 team field in 1990.

You're trying to tell me the Patriots aren't one of the 12 best teams in the league?

Well, they're not. As the man who saved our franchise, Bill Parcells, once said: "You are what your record says you are." And, in this case, our record says we weren't good enough to make the Playoffs.

It's a sad truth. A really sad truth, actually.

What makes it more frustrating is there's a good chance we may never see it happen again. Not in our lifetime...to any other 11-5 team...ever.

But, hey, lets look on the bright side.

At least it happened last year.

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The Big Question
-------------------

This week's Big Question is going to dig a little deeper.

We all do things that we regret. Just like great accomplishments, dear readers, our greatest mistakes can be recalled with the same ease and accuracy. That said:

Q: What's the ONE THING you wish you didn't do in 2008 that my "genius phrase" can't seem to erase or justify?

Grab your shovels and be honest.

You know what? I'll even start.

A: MY biggest regret from 2008 happened in March. I punched a complete stranger in the face. He came up from behind me with his friend attempting to start a fight and I ended it with one instinctual jab. I ended up shattering his orbital bone. Despite the fact that it was last year and I was acting in self defense, I still regret throwing the punch. I should have put him in a headlock and given him knuggies or something.

Violence isn't the answer when dealing with drunken idiots. Idiocy is.

I hope I can do better in 2009.

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Quick Thinking
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-- The Mayne Event isn't funny. Not even a little bit.

-- That said, I wish I had Kenny's agent so I could get a deal like his.

-- T.O. exhausts me.

-- So does Ray Lewis.

-- The phrase "to a man" needs to be retired from our sports talk lexicon.

-- I don't even like her music but, when Beyonce is on the screen, I can't look away.

-- If pressed into the situation I've decided that I will always cut the blue wire. Always.

-- I hope Mr. Farve goes quickly and quietly.

-- Captain Math tells me 11-5 in the AFC East is better than 8-8 in the AFC West, the NFL's worst division.

-- But the NFL tells me the Patriots weren't good enough to be in the Playoffs.

-- The winners of the Patriots Pick Pool, who guessed the Patriots would finish 11-5 during the Labor Day Festivities in Little Compton this Summer were: Ed Roderick, Terri Griffin, Louise Colinan, Sean Joyce & Terrence Joyce. *golf clap*

-- The losers were the other 43 people who played.

-- Quote of the Week comes from ESPN's Merrill Hodge when analyzing Mr. Farve's Week 17 performance: "Well, there are turnovers. And then there are turnovers for points." Um, WHAT?!

-- And he's considered an NFL "expert."

-- I don't miss Vin Diesel. Not even a little bit.

-- Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I'd cut the red wire.

-- Was it me, or did Tiki Barber want to kiss Kurt Warner during their post game interview on Saturday?

-- I shouldn't judge. In reality, maybe Kurt wanted to kiss Tiki. He is more attractive than Kurt's wife: http://www.femmefan.com/site/images/featurepics/03_04Season/Brenda-Warner-and-Nails.jpg

-- Quote of the Week II comes from Big Nick while we were discussing this year's AFC Playoff match ups. "I don't even care about the Playoffs this year. Like, who gives a fuck about the Colts in San Diego? I hope the stadium explodes."

-- I only wish I knew how he really felt.

-- You know that ESPN and the NFL are a powerful combination when Chris Berman is a diet plan spokesman.

-- We should all thank Matt Cassell for turning a lost season into a "near miss."

-- As I mentioned weeks ago, I would not want to go into battle with Mr. Romo. Tony threw up on himself again against the Eagles when the stakes were at their highest.

-- Nostolgic Quote of the Week comes from me. When walking into a bar in DC back in 2000 with my boys Larry and Mike, we stumbled upon 3 beautiful bartenders and 2 attractive girls kissing in a booth near the bar. Mike asked, "So what do you think of DC?" To which I replied, "I'm liking everything about everything."

-- It seems that Dane Cook's 15 minutes have expired. Celebrate accordingly.

-- The PGA needs Tiger Woods to be healthy as soon as possible.

-- The Silence of the Lambs gets funnier every time I watch it.

-- If you haven't done so already, read the late David Halberstam's The Best and the Brightest.

-- While you're at it, read all of his work.

-- Caribou Coffee and Kemps have joined forces to bring us Energy Milk (aka Coffee Milk). Leave it to a Rhode Island company to ignore the rest of the country and allow a Minnesota-based chain to bring our state drink to the masses.

-- There's no truth to the rumor that Autocrat will now change it's logo to an ostrich.

-- If you put your ear to the tracks, dear readers, you can hear the Patriots 2009 season coming down the tracks. And Tom Brady isn't on the train.

-- He's somewhere doing rehab and getting therapy on his knee.

-- Or maybe he's watching Giselle strut on a catwalk in her undies and a pair of angel wings.

-- Either way, Matt Cassell will be our starting quarterback on Kickoff Sunday.