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ONE: Nosey people suck.
And I'm not talking about those friends, associates & colleagues who dip into a conversation to be "in on the joke" for a giggle. In fact, I encourage those types of folks to keep up the good work.
After all, laughing is the proverbial chicken soup for the soul.
What I am talking about are those who habitually ask, "What are you talking about?" not because they want to share in a few funny quips but, rather, because they need to feed their insecurities. Insecurites, by the way, that manifest for these folks because every time someone whispers in their pressence they feel they MUST be the topic of said whisper.
They are not secret. They are not safe.
Worse yet, even after they learn the conversation isn't "about" them, they're not relieved. They simply become MORE intrigued. And not for laughter's sake. They become more intrigued to soak up all the gossip and then run to the person or persons who were gossiped about to gossip about the original gossip which, in reality, probably wasn't gossip at all.
That's straight confusing, right? It's also the reason why these type of nosey people suck.
But don't tell them I said that.
TWO: I'm part of the 55 percent.
A recently released study found that over half the time an average Facebook user removes a friend -- 55 percent of the time, to be exact -- the reason is for "offensive comments and status updates."
It's must be the season of miracles because, based on that little tidbit, it's a wonder I have any facebook friends at all.
ONE: Every coworker in the world was the "best employee of all time" at their previous job.
True story.
It's easier to comprehend when you apply an essential doctrine of the Shawshank Principle called innocent guilt. You know, because all the inmates claimed to be innocent even though their asses were in jail?
Same rules apply to the work place.
Every coworker I've had, and every coworker you've ever had for that matter, will stop at nothing to tell tales of how "invaluable" and "innovative" they were in past positions. Some will go so far as to say they "essentially ran the company" despite holding 8 jobs over a 5 year span.
All CEOs in the making, I'm sure.
Try this little homework assignment if you're feeling skeptical about the veracity of my claim: head into work tomorrow, present the "So, what did you do before this?" question to a newer hire and see how their story measures up. Be warned, though. The bullshit will be flying fast. Real fast.
Faster than it flies in this blog, in fact.
But remember to try and stay your judgment for their egregious hyperbole.
After all, you're a coworker too.
TWO: Nintendo's Zelda contains all the relationship advice you'll ever need.
Who would have thought an 8-bit elf with a wooden sword and over-sized head would be my generation's Dr. Phil before Dr. Phil even existed? Certainly not me. Don't laugh, I'm serious.
Ocarina of Time Water Temple level serious, actually.
And it's not because Zelda's digital protagonist, Link, saves a damsel in distress by collecting pieces of a triangular shaped Triforce and harnesses its mythical power to save the world from darkness.
#euphemism
It's because he can't succeed in one level without the skills he learned and developed in the previous one. The relationship application is clear: As you progress through life looking for your Triforce, make sure lessons learned in former relationships -- personal and professional -- are applied to all others that follow.
The trick, of course, is discerning when to use each lesson. For example, don't use the hookshot when the ladder will suffice, don't send flowers when a simple note is needed and, whatever you do, don't use the Master Sword unless it's absolutely necessary.
One shan't be careless with such power, you know?
But when you reach a dead end and you know the relationship is a lost cause, stick to the basics by grabbing a bomb, lighting the fuse and blowing that shit up. You might even find a Heart Container or Magic Fairy in the rubble.
Boom.
