Why Porn is Good

I'm starting to feel that porn -- specifically the internet variety -- is drowning in social standard negativity.

Why is porn getting such a bad reputation? EVERYONE should be thankful that we have porn.

Yes, even you ladies.

Especially the prudes out there who think being adventurous in the bedroom involves mixing the patterns and colors of their duvet covers and tumbler pillows.

I can already hear the questions and objections. However, I will kindly ask you to stay your judgment and read on.

So, why do I think porn is good? Take a little journey with me to find out....

When I was experiencing adolescence my only sexual outlet was MTV. That's right, fucking MTV (back when they actually played music videos.)

I would get home from school hoping to see a glimpse of anything remotely suggestive to get my rocks off. A shot of some chic shaking her ass in a BBD video was like striking oil (pun intended.)

Madonna was a great stand-by, too. You know what, fuck it; I would even Hang-Tough with the NKoTB when I was crunched for time -- that Joey was a pretty little bitch.

When "The Grind" made its premiere -- it was like a winning a lotion filled sock that would never dry up and scratch. Every day, at 4pm, there would be multiple shots of scantily clad woment shaking their jelly and being squirted with water guns.

Glorious.

The situation was perfect. The parents didn't get home from work until 5:30pm or so. That gave me an entire hour to work out my libido while listening to some of my favorite music. Plus, I had an extra 30 minutes to clean up and set up some books on the kitchen table to pretend like I was doing homework.

Don't judge me. You weren't there.

But, then, "IT" happened.

It was a Wednesday. It's was 4:21pm. I was exploring the wonders of "Warm Vanilla Sugar" from The Body Shop while jamming to "It Feels Good" by Toni, Tony, Tone. I was in the basement. I didn't hear the car. I didn't hear the door open. What I did hear, however, was my mother shriek "TERRENCE EDWARD!" when she took 3 steps down the stairs.

I couldn't move. I was paralyzed with embarrassment.

Plus, my pants were around my ankles and any quick moment would have resulted in a painful fall. Ouchie.

Not my proudest moment.

Now that was about 15 years ago. I still, to this day, get little Warm Vanilla Sugar lotions in my stocking at Christmas time from my mother. Funny, right? WRONG. But, for those who are looking for a little tingle when engaging in self-love, try WVS...it's good stuff.

Listen, I didn't have access to Internet porn. I didn't have the luxury of a room with a computer where I could shut the door and do my dirty self grooming in private. So, instead of doing a quick Google search and getting instant gratification, I was subject to the above embarrassment which as evolved into a lifetime of family ridicule.

Porn would have provided me with the privacy I needed. It would have also helped prevent this childhood nightmare which, by the way, has resulted in several hours of billable therapy -- for me and my moms.

So, to all you who think that porn is "bad" -- recant. Someday most of you will be have a son of your own.

And, trust me, you'd rather have porn around to guide your son's "coming of age" instead of catching him while he's trying himself.