Quick Thinking: Familiarity Breeds Contempt

Nine games into the season and the New England Patriots are still a complete mystery.

And not the good kind.

Mystery follows every team, dear readers. The good ones provide nervous moments as fans try to guess which player is going to step up and make a game winning play. But, here in Patriot Nation, we're stuck with hoping against losing plays.

Will it be our porous secondary? Our shaky kicking game? Or the offense that seems to stall with an incomplete pass at someone's feet in a game's critical moment when a first down or score will all but end the contest?

Ya, I don't know either.

Regardless of who which unit lets us down, though, I get the sense our Patriots are void of any mystery at all. We're simply more of what we've been in previous years: a team good enough to win but not quite good enough to win when it counts.

And I'm tired of knowing how the story ends.

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Quick Thinking
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-- Rumor has it the Red Sox "want to make a big splash" in the free agent market.

--  That kind of chatter reeks of desperation.

-- And inevitable disappointment.

-- The New York Jets are losing altitude at an alarming rate.

-- Where's Ted Striker when you need him? #80smoviereference

-- Or Roger Murdock, for that matter.

-- Speaking of the Los Angeles Lakers, how do you pass on a coach with 11 titles for D'Antoni when Kobe's window is closing faster than Tim Tebow's quarterback career.

-- If this NFL season has taught us anything, it's that Tim Tebow is to quarterbacking what Tyrannosaurus Rex would be to wide receivering.

-- Give it a minute.

-- BOOM! 

-- ...goes the dynamite.

-- Hey, Mr. Talib, I hope you can bring the same kind of Blast to our secondary as your surname brought to hip-hop.

-- Kweli!

-- Quote of the Week is awarded to my boy Mr. Octavio who said the following to a young lady sitting next to him at a bar the other night, "Hey, if I turn into a zombie during the Zombie Apocalypse, the first thing I'm gonna eat is your titties."

-- It's also my nominee for the Most Original Pick Up Line of All Time Award.

-- Some men's jeans are touted because they have crotch gussets.

-- Like as a selling point.

-- When's the last time you heard a girl say, "Hey, nice jeans. Love those gussets."?

-- Exactly.

-- And you ladies wonder why so many of us guys are fashionably challenged.

-- You get knee high boots, skinny jeans and yoga pants.

-- We get fucking crotch gussets.

Tecmo (Super) Bowl Strikes Back

NFL Films Presents: Tecmo Bowl will generate the same incredible popularity boost in public Tecmo Super Bowl tournaments as Chris Moneymaker's 2003 victory did for the World Series of Poker's main event.

Amateur's will start coming out of the woodwork and, while the latter is a bit more lucrative, it appears I only have one choice.

NES emancipated from storage?

Check.

Tecmo Super Bowl cartridge found?

Check.

Q-tips and isopropyl alcohol to perform a long overdue cleaning of said cartridge?

Check.

Tecmo Super Bowl is up and running in my living room again, y'all. Me, Barry Sanders and nose tackle Jerry Ball are coming for you.

All.

Challengers.

Welcome.

Quick Thinking: Going Viral

Have you guys heard about this chick at Cornell who filmed herself masturbating in the school library that's going
viral? Get out from under that rock if you haven't.

Or just click here to read about it.

I mean, I get it. The library was one of my favorite places to masturbate when I was in college. Good 'ol Phillips Memorial at PC.

God knows I wasn't studying every minute I was in there.

But the thing is, I never thought about filming myself doing it. Not once. I guess I should have because they say the camera adds 10 pounds. 

And I need all the help I can get.

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Quick Thinking
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-- A second Red Sox manager fired following a second disappointing Red Sox season in as many years.

-- At least they're consistent.

-- Bacon preparation is a good omen for any meal.

-- Regardless of the time of day.

-- It's not the people who won't forget transgressions and mistakes that bother me.

-- It's the ones who conveniently forget acts of kindness and support that I can't stand.

-- I like summer and all, but a sip of Octoberfest, a little football & my favorite serial killer back on TV make the transition into fall a bit more bearable.

-- Taken 2 looks bad ass. #goodluck

-- Charlize Theron still has it.



-- Actually not sure she ever lost it.

-- Soapbox Moment of the Week is awarded to my one of my co-workers (to protect the identity of the innocent, let's simply call him "John") who, when informed of an inventory discrepancy, declared the following for our entire staff to hear, "This company is ridiculous. Where I come from, when you tell a client something is available, it needs to be available. That's where I come from."

-- My response earns me Quote of the Week honors, "Right, Availability. I've heard of that town. It's down south in one of the Carolinas, isn't it?"

-- I think it earns me a few bonus asshole points as well.

Sacrificial Pack

I have here an open letter to a Green Bay Packer fan:

Dear Cheesehead,

I was recently shown by a media outlet a statement from National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell that you are a fan of the most storied franchise in NFL history, the Green Bay Packers, who suffered an abominable loss on the field of battle Monday Night in Seattle.

I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming as a result of simultaneous possession and substandard officiating. But I cannot refrain from tendering to you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of NFL fans everywhere saved by the scrutiny surrounding the final second mishap.

I pray that the new labor agreement sparked by Monday night's calamity may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the previous loss, how it ended labor strife, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of professional competition and compromise.

Yours very sincerely and respectfully,

NFL Nation

Football Haiku

We will now embrace

the defining sport of sports

kickoff day is here

Memory Mile

"I know you hurtin' and worryin', I can feel it on you, but you oughta quit on it now."

- John Coffey

The Green Mile is still, to this day, the single film to evoke tears from me while in an actual movie theater.

Other than The Notebook, of course.

I assure you there was no sobbing, no whimpering. Tears were simply streaming down my cheeks as if I had faulty plumbing. It was bananas...like a reflex that couldn't be helped. Or maybe the "incident" serves as a small shred of evidence that I do, in fact, have a heart.

But I doubt it.

For you trivia buffs, the third movie to ever make me cry was the video from my wedding day. True story.

Lucky for me, the emotion lasted about as long as my marriage did.

All joking aside, rest in peace, Mr. Duncan. May the memory of your life offer solace to loved ones battling the heartache of your passing.

Quick Thinking: Faking It

I don't understand babies with mohawks. More specifically, I don't understand parents who give their babies mohawks. They're like adults who wear monogrammed clothing in public who aren't stranded on an island named Thurston or Lovey: they just doesn't make sense.

So let's get it together, folks.

I mean, unless you're a celebrity or an eccentric billionaire try and limit public displays of manufactured coolness, ok? Keep that shit in-house where it belongs, y'all. Behind the proverbial closed green door.

Because, frankly, both are the social equivalent of working out at a gym with your own shake weight. Monogrammed, of course.

Thanks in advance.

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Quick Thinking

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-- Makes me a little sad Larry Bird's digital Dream Team '92 counterpart in NBA 2K13 looks less like a "baller" and more like an extra on History's Swamp People.



-- See. It's sad, right?

-- Cable channel replays have breathed new life into A Tribe Called Quest's documentary Beats, Rhymes & Life: The Travels of A Tribe Called Quest.

-- If you're a fan of Tribe and haven't invested a few hours watching it, I would recommend you do so immediately.

-- Stir it up.

-- Big ups to Morgan Freeman for being one of the first women in history to be welcomed by storied Augusta National Golf Club.

-- Wait, what? That's not Morgan Freeman, it's Condoleezza Rice?

-- Oh, my bad.

-- Lucky for her, sharing the locker room with other members shouldn't be a big deal. Her dick is probably bigger than theirs.

-- Even in a cold shower.

-- Make no mistake though, y'all, her admission has zero to do with gender equality and everything to do with securing advertising revenue in the future.

-- #cha-ching!

-- Memo to All the Fellas Inspired by Mad Men Wearing Tie-bars: proper placement is between the 3rd and 4th button of your shirt.

-- Barely covered by your suit jacket's top button is also acceptable.

-- Near your tie's knot is not.

-- Make it happen.

-- Can you imagine if the Patriots were able to wrestle an unhappy Jones-Drew away from the Jaguars?

-- I can.

-- Hey, Roger, can't you find a different way to recapture your youth?

-- Other than doing steroids & HGH, of course.

-- You're 50. Let it go, brother.

-- Let.

-- It. 

-- Go.