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I'm not going to tell you I don't believe in football gods.
Because I do.
But to think one's faith can influence the outcome of a game or attributing a player's good fortune to a belief structure is simply irresponsible. Competitive sports are about talent, preparation, chance and effort. They're not about religious beliefs. Religion offers promise of reward for blind obedience to a particular ideology. Sports don't.
And neither do football gods.
What football gods do promise, however, is that no one team will ever be above the game itself. Just ask the 2007 "near miss perfection" New England Patriots.
[ SIDE NOTE: START ]
The football gods obviously fell asleep at the wheel back in '72. Maybe that was the cost for Neptune's pet Dolphin. Or maybe their warring brethren needed some help with that Vietnam disaster.
Who knows.
But that babbling buffoon Mercury Morris serves as a constant reminder of their greatest mistake anytime a team creeps towards perfection. And that's not a mistake they'll be repeating.
Ever.
[ SIDE NOTE: END ]
So when Tebow's star power began to transcend his sport the football gods had to react. They had no choice, really. Lucky for Patriot Nation, 2007's sacrificial lamb, judgment was levied in the form of a 45-10 beat down at Gillette Stadium.
Let's hope Terrell Suggs' arrogance is their next target.
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Quick Thinking
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-- How the book Moving the Chains: Tom Brady and the Pursuit of Everything stayed off my radar since 2006 makes me feel like an inadequate member of Patriot Nation.
-- Good thing I'm familiar with inadequate members.
-- Question of the Week asks why does Tebow throwing for 316 in a win against the Steelers prompt manifest connection to John 3:16, but throwing for 136 in a loss against the Patriots becomes negligible?
-- Probably because it ruins that whole #godwantstebowtowin narrative the media was pumping up.
-- For the believers out there, John 1:36 reads, "When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, 'Look, the Lamb of God!'"
-- Proving to be quite the complicated parable, isn't it?
-- Quote of the Week goes to Big Nick for texting me the following after New England dispatched Denver Saturday night, "Well, at least Tebow is a good Christian and will forgive the Pats for kicking the shit out of him."
-- Amen.
-- Californication has officially jumped the shark.
-- Yesterday was a big win for so many reasons. Not the least of which is helping remedy the fact I kinda forgot what it felt like to win a playoff game.
-- Not personally, of course.
-- Tony! Toni! Tone! sums it up nicely.
-- Yeahhhhh!
-- Thank god the 90's are over, huh?
-- Speaking of nostalgia, I'm gonna miss all that "one and done" playoff talk surrounding the Patriots.
-- After all, I had the same nickname in high school.
-- It was upgraded to "6 Seconds of Thunder" in college.
-- For those of you keeping score at home, I've graduated to "The Bolt" in my adult life.
-- Still can't get past his 9.58 second record, though.
ONE: Nosey people suck.
And I'm not talking about those friends, associates & colleagues who dip into a conversation to be "in on the joke" for a giggle. In fact, I encourage those types of folks to keep up the good work.
After all, laughing is the proverbial chicken soup for the soul.
What I am talking about are those who habitually ask, "What are you talking about?" not because they want to share in a few funny quips but, rather, because they need to feed their insecurities. Insecurites, by the way, that manifest for these folks because every time someone whispers in their pressence they feel they MUST be the topic of said whisper.
They are not secret. They are not safe.
Worse yet, even after they learn the conversation isn't "about" them, they're not relieved. They simply become MORE intrigued. And not for laughter's sake. They become more intrigued to soak up all the gossip and then run to the person or persons who were gossiped about to gossip about the original gossip which, in reality, probably wasn't gossip at all.
That's straight confusing, right? It's also the reason why these type of nosey people suck.
But don't tell them I said that.
TWO: I'm part of the 55 percent.
A recently released study found that over half the time an average Facebook user removes a friend -- 55 percent of the time, to be exact -- the reason is for "offensive comments and status updates."
It's must be the season of miracles because, based on that little tidbit, it's a wonder I have any facebook friends at all.
ONE: Every coworker in the world was the "best employee of all time" at their previous job.
True story.
It's easier to comprehend when you apply an essential doctrine of the Shawshank Principle called innocent guilt. You know, because all the inmates claimed to be innocent even though their asses were in jail?
Same rules apply to the work place.
Every coworker I've had, and every coworker you've ever had for that matter, will stop at nothing to tell tales of how "invaluable" and "innovative" they were in past positions. Some will go so far as to say they "essentially ran the company" despite holding 8 jobs over a 5 year span.
All CEOs in the making, I'm sure.
Try this little homework assignment if you're feeling skeptical about the veracity of my claim: head into work tomorrow, present the "So, what did you do before this?" question to a newer hire and see how their story measures up. Be warned, though. The bullshit will be flying fast. Real fast.
Faster than it flies in this blog, in fact.
But remember to try and stay your judgment for their egregious hyperbole.
After all, you're a coworker too.
TWO: Nintendo's Zelda contains all the relationship advice you'll ever need.
Who would have thought an 8-bit elf with a wooden sword and over-sized head would be my generation's Dr. Phil before Dr. Phil even existed? Certainly not me. Don't laugh, I'm serious.
Ocarina of Time Water Temple level serious, actually.
And it's not because Zelda's digital protagonist, Link, saves a damsel in distress by collecting pieces of a triangular shaped Triforce and harnesses its mythical power to save the world from darkness.
#euphemism
It's because he can't succeed in one level without the skills he learned and developed in the previous one. The relationship application is clear: As you progress through life looking for your Triforce, make sure lessons learned in former relationships -- personal and professional -- are applied to all others that follow.
The trick, of course, is discerning when to use each lesson. For example, don't use the hookshot when the ladder will suffice, don't send flowers when a simple note is needed and, whatever you do, don't use the Master Sword unless it's absolutely necessary.
One shan't be careless with such power, you know?
But when you reach a dead end and you know the relationship is a lost cause, stick to the basics by grabbing a bomb, lighting the fuse and blowing that shit up. You might even find a Heart Container or Magic Fairy in the rubble.
Boom.
I'm a little worried about all the adult women clambering to see the new Twilight movie. And it's not because I'm jealous of Edward or Jacob or anything: they get to be movie stars, I get to go on the big boy rides in amusement parks.
C'est la vie.
What worries me is the obsession these "Twilight Moms" have for characters and story lines constructed with their daughters in mind. I mean, I know the Sex and the City movie train hasn't left the station in a while, but is a movie targeted at teenagers really the most appropriate option to fill the void?
Really?
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Quick Thinking
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-- Hey, ESPN, please stop force feeding your viewers NASCAR coverage.
-- Seriously. Stop.
-- Any activity big city drivers perform on a daily basis shouldn't be considered a sport.
-- Actually, now that I think of it, assigning a sponsor and number, along with the obligatory unsightly paint job, on each car in Boston during rush hour would be more watchable than NASCAR.
-- Not to mention those piss poor godaddy.com commercials that accompany each telecast.
-- If a professional hockey team wins 9 games in-a-row and no one is watching did it really happen?
-- I'm learning whenever my Idaho roots are brought up in conversation someone will invariably say, "I da ho? No. YOU da ho!"
-- I get it, though. Seeing a group of cows garners a similar "Moo!" reflex from me.
-- Unless said cows are chasing me with pole axes, of course.
-- I think too much has been made of Gronkowski's head first tumble on MNF against the Chiefs last night.
-- Homeboy lives in a perpetual concussed state anyway.
-- E's Chelsea Lately should be renamed The Comic Graveyard.
-- The term "horseplay" is only acceptable when talking about the interactions between consenting adults.
-- And for those who participate in equestrian sports.
-- Giddy up!
ONE: Zombies are a polarizing lot.
I lost a total of 12 facebook friends as a result of last week's 2 Things post in which I joked about skull fucking zombies to death. I know. Only a dozen.
I was surprised too.
I really should put quotations around the words "lost" & "friends" though because, well, we're using the term "lost" very loosely and, as we all know, digital friends for the most part aren't really friends at all.
Unless you're watching porn, of course.
And while my knee jerk reaction is to tell all 12 of you to go skull fuck yourselves, (see what I did there?) I'm going to try the more "fatherly-advice" approach.
Here goes:
Listen, if you can't see the humor in someone overdosing on an erectile dysfunction pill in the hopes of killing the undead through violent eye socket penetration with his erection during a can-only-happen-in-fiction zombie apocalypse than we really shouldn't be friends in the first place.
Digital or otherwise.
TWO: A starting quarterback can win a NFL game by completing only 2 passes.
I don't have much to say about the above sentence because, while entirely true, it defies all conventional wisdom. Seriously, every last bit of it. Plus, the sentence reads like more of a question than a declarative statement to me.
And you know what they say about asking better questions, don't you?
With or without the question mark, however, it evokes the same response of disbelief. A response, by the way, that I'll modified for all my easily offended Tebow loving readers out there with delicate sensibilities: Shut the front door.
Oh, and go skull fuck yourselves.
ONE: Promiscuity will thrive during the Zombie Apocalypse.
Less than one month into Season 2 of AMC's The Walking Dead and we find the one married woman who's sheriff husband is still alive pregnant...by his partner.
With friends like that, right?
We also have a pair of strangers in the midst of a supply run -- one the archetypal "farmer's daughter" and the other a pizza delivery boy referred to by the group as a "go to town guy" or "in and out specialist" -- knockin' boots in an abandon convenience store because of the post-apocalyptic world aphrodisiac called a box of unopened condoms.
Waste not, want not I suppose.
In addition, there are two other unlikely couples laying groundwork for eventual trysts.
Giggity, giggity.
Looks like the impending zombie infestation will be more like the free love era of the 60's than originally anticipated, huh? A large anti-establishment constituency coupled with copious amounts of consequence free sex, mind expanding drugs and tie dye t-shirts.
Ok, minus the tie dye t-shirts.
Either way, looks like I need to add Viagra to my survival kit. Which will be more versatile than you think. The way I figure it, when I'm unfortunate enough to run out of ammunition during an attack, I'll simply pop a few dick pills and do what any man experiencing priapism during the Zombie Apocalypse would do: have sex with as many willing partners as possible.
After skull fucking all the zombies to death, of course.
TWO: Sometimes acting juvenile as an adult is imperative
Mistaken identity isn't just for plot advancement in movies anymore, folks.
I recently found myself the target of a colleague's verbal attacks for a situation I had absolutely nothing to do with. Knowing he was clearly confused, I chose to stay my tongue and silently nod until the storm ended.
"Feel better?" I asked.
Later in the day that same coworker went out of his way to apologize for his misinformed outburst. He offered to buy me lunch and everything.
But while being the bigger man who accepted the apology, and lunch, I almost started to feel bad for rolling up an award-winning sized nose nugget and throwing it so it stuck to the back of his head when no one has looking following the earlier incident.
Almost.
I'm starting to learn that, in life, being considered AN option is more preferable than being considered THE option. Hear me out, dear readers. I'm not making the preceding statement because of some displaced fear of failure I carry with me.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
I'm making the statement to try and help. Really. I'm trying to help and impart a little wisdom on those who might think being someone's "everything" is the "only thing." I'm trying to help because the hard truth is this: those who make you THE option in their lives are doing so to fill some personal void created by their own failures, fears & insecurities. And those kind of voids can't be filled.
Ever.
Except in the world of sports, of course.
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Quick Thinking
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-- The life wisdom imparted on movie fans who listen by Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs cannot be overstated.
-- Neither can his fashion sensibilities.
-- It appears Julian Edelman attended a few classes at Ben Roethlisberger's Charm School during his trip to Pittsburgh last weekend.
-- I wonder if the alleged "incident" was one of his homework assignments.
-- The thing is, Jules, if you were that aggressive on your professional field of play maybe you'd see more minutes.
-- The off-season has just started and I'm already sick of hearing about Tito & Theo's post Sox Nation lives.
-- Tom Brady's window is starting to close.
-- And I feel like Bill Belichick is the one closing it.
-- The recent allegations against Bieber provide further proof that the rules governing acceptable social behavior are incredibly gender specific.
-- They also highlight how "crazy" has become this Nation's currency.
-- And we're all part of the 1%, y'all.
-- Let's try a little Occupy Normalcy, shall we?
